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Trying to do the right thing...

Posted by on Apr. 19, 2014 at 12:22 AM
  • 59 Replies

My husband and I are in Kentucky. He has two children from a previous marriage of 10 years. The SD is 10 and the SS is 8. We have been married for 5 months. To make a long story short, he got screwed in his divorce decree. I'm not a native to Kentucky but his divorce decree only says "liberal visitation". I've never heard or seen anything like it. He never hired an attorney but was under the impression that the attorney that was representing them equally (and paid for half of the bill). According to their child support worksheet last year, they make the same amount of money, however, he is a construction worker. This winter has been absolutely the worst in over 30 years and he has been unable to work for weeks at a time due to an ice or snow storm.(I have made his child support payments ( and Christmas gifts and seasonal clothing change ( In the amount of hundreds of dollars in a matter of months) ...and no, I'm not angry about it..I receive payments from my children from a previous marriage and understand the need). I want a relationship with the stepkids. I don't want to be their mother. They have one. But I want to be respected in my home. 

OK....So here's the thing. He has been only allowed visitation when convenient to her. In the last 6 months she has allowed 13 overnight visitations with approx 17 days total of visitation. When he has asked for the kids, she makes excuses like "they have a birthday party or  they don't want to see you". When talking to the kids they (specifically the daughter) can never give a reason why she would not to visit. The SS seems to like visiting because I have 3 boys in his age within 3 years both ways. The exwife got off on the wrong foot with me after making a racial slur the first time I met her with my youngest child ( he's mixed). I have documented everything since. The SD has insulted her dad (again she's 10) and both of kids have punched him. I would never allow my kids to do that to me let alone another adult. At first, his response was to tolerate it because he was afraid the kids wouldn't want to visit him if he disciplined them. I told the children that no child in the home would be allow to talk or hit an adult.His kids have stopped hitting, but the SD continues to name call. (The exwife verbally abuses him on multiple occasions in front of her kids and mine. 

His ex has called CPS on us, tried to file a DVO, and is now trying to take away all custody and visitation  from him. A lot of her  behavior started after she found out we were married and moved into the home they once shared ( we drive new vehicles and she drives an old vehicle and has made many negative comments about him driving a new vehicle). She made comments to me when my husband and I were dating that she would do everything in her power to take away his parental rights on multiple occasions. She didn't feel like he needed any contact with his children. I would not exaggerate this. I have 3 children with 2 exhusbands (both who cheated) and even though I don't agree with their lifestyle, I allow the children full visitation and have offered additional visitaiton. The kids will figure out things later. Kids are not stupid. I have never told them why we are divorced either other than "we can't work things out and be togheter and can't  be happy together". The DVO and CPS report were found unsubstantiated and we have copies proving such. Now she has filed an order to deny him ANY visitation claiming he is an "alcoholic" and that the children "FEAR" their safety. She is now asking for Guardian ad litem. We are not against the Guardian, but I am worried that she is coaching the children. On top of this, my SS is in the bottom 10% for height and growth. We have asked her about his health and dental health ( he has one of the worst dental cases I have ever seen in a child ( I am a medical provider)). She has refused him to get their information to put them on my medical or dental insurance. Again to make a long story short, we are concerned for the kids and the brainwashing she has done. 

She has blocked his phone number, refusing to allow him to talk to the children for over 2 weeks (we have phone records) and when he has been allowed to  talk to the kids and starts to talk about future plans, she grabs the phone and claims there is a "protective order" stating that he can't see his kids. There have been no hearing and we have received no order as she claims. The only reason he was allowed to talk to the children after two weeks is because we gave her attorney a response to her affadavit along with proof to her accusations to prove her otherwise. Magically, he was allowed to speak to the kids  a day after giving the response to her attorney. He has texted her stating he wants the children for multiple weekends in a row and she refuses stating, "I have a protective order refusing your visitation" and "Talk to my attorney". It has been over 2 months since he has been allowed visitaiton. Again I have all of her behavior documented since I have met her (she rubbed me the wrong way with her inappropriate comments of my mixed child) and the visitation of the kids. All of this is documented in our response to the court. My question....


Has anyone else dealt with this? We are doing this Pro Se. Any advice? Besides "Obtain an attorney". What were the outcomes?

by on Apr. 19, 2014 at 12:22 AM
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Replies (1-10):
packermom4ever
by Still The Queen on Apr. 19, 2014 at 12:40 AM
4 moms liked this

He didn't get screwed, he signed that order after reading it. He knew what was in it. 

Chances are you don't know the half of why things are the way they are between them. You documenting is just your word, nothing solid and not all judges will use that as any sort of proof. I had tons of documentation and I'm the parent and the judge didn't want it. You're documenting because you're angry about a comment she made and sticking your nose where it really doesn't belong. If he is bothered by things he'll take care of them. 

Both of my kids are small for their ages. My daughter is in the 10th for her height and only the 25th for her weight. She'll be 13 in a month and is the smallest in her class. My son isn't much bigger, but is on course to be taller than his sister. Their grandfather, someone who also thought they knew best for my kids and that I was doing something wrong because they are small, decided to tell people they were malnutritioned and added protien powders to their foods. Because, you know, a food scientist, much like a medical provider, must know everything about everyone. He was told to knock it off. I'm not a big lady (5'0 tall actually) and genetics do play a part. 

He dealt with this on his before you, it is still his problem. Not yours. 

packermom4ever
by Still The Queen on Apr. 19, 2014 at 12:42 AM

Also, she doesn't have to put them on your insurance. Dad and mom can work that out between them and if she doesn't want your help, so be it. Not everyone wants the SP providing the insurance for whatever reason they may have.

kmur
by Bronze Member on Apr. 19, 2014 at 12:46 AM
As far as the dental , that would be considered neglect if its as bad as you say. MY SO is going through this now. His ex has an open dcf case ( neglect , a really bad neglect case) and dental is included in the case.
Why doesn't your dh call and find out about this so called protective order, and from now on record every ph call and save every text
bothsidesofcoin
by on Apr. 19, 2014 at 1:14 AM

We have been saving texts from her and have submitted them to the court. He goes to court on Monday. In the divorce decree he was to provide insurance and even thoug it is through me and the kids can be added. He also changed jobs that allows benefits lbut will take a few months to set up. I am concerned about the SS growth. There is concern that he has a lack in growth hormone and needs treatment.  but she is refusing to get it to him. We have even offered to take thim to a doctor for a second opinion since she tell him nothing of the children's health or dental appointments or status even despite asking. We had asked for copies of this protective order but received none. It's just one more way for her to control him. We do have court on Monday. I don't think the court is look kindly to her not allowing phone calls for over 2 weeks and no visitation for over 2 months without a court order. 


Packermom4ever- sticking my nose into it when she has CPS called to my home? I am very involved in the situation even thoug it was a false claim. Do you have children? Do you have stepchildren? How are involved are you? Whether you consider it "stick your nose", I am married and we have a blended family. Are you a Sm or DM that does not want your ex to have any rights? You are a small person. Neither of the parents are small or grandpaernts. SD is normal size, but SS is ranking 3% for height  charts and 7% for weight. BM is about 5'8" and 170 lbs and dad is 6' and 220 lbs. I have seen a lot of children's mouths but this chid stands out as the worst I have seen for over bite and the way his adult teeth are coming in. I just want him to receive the care he needs. 

When you become a stepparent, you automatically become involved because there are more children involved than your own. You know you are getting involved when you marry someone with kids. 

packermom4ever
by Still The Queen on Apr. 19, 2014 at 1:46 AM


Quoting bothsidesofcoin:



Packermom4ever- sticking my nose into it when she has CPS called to my home? I am very involved in the situation even thoug it was a false claim. Do you have children? Do you have stepchildren? How are involved are you? Whether you consider it "stick your nose", I am married and we have a blended family. Are you a Sm or DM that does not want your ex to have any rights? You are a small person. Neither of the parents are small or grandpaernts. SD is normal size, but SS is ranking 3% for height  charts and 7% for weight. BM is about 5'8" and 170 lbs and dad is 6' and 220 lbs. I have seen a lot of children's mouths but this chid stands out as the worst I have seen for over bite and the way his adult teeth are coming in. I just want him to receive the care he needs. 

When you become a stepparent, you automatically become involved because there are more children involved than your own. You know you are getting involved when you marry someone with kids. 

I do have kids. My kids had a SM who thought it was acceptable to stick her nose where it didn't belong. CPS was called to her house - her husband hurt my child. It didn't mean that it involved her at all. The fact she was in a blended family meant that she chose to marry a man with kids, not that anyone in this house cared that she thought she needed to be involved.

My kid's SM thought she needed to be involved when she married my ex. I made it clear her help or involvment wasn't needed. I don't need another woman being involved in any way; I can't stop her from doing things in her own home, but that is where it ends. If I don't use her insurance? Nothing she can do about it. If I don't want her involved I don't let her be involved outside her home. 

Her husband's relationship, or lack thereof, with me is between the two of us and doesn't involve her. If she thinks he got screwed in the custody battle she can keep that opinion to herself as I can only assume she married what she thought was an adult and he is capable of handling his business. 

My kids not longer have a SM and if there ever is one she won't be involved just because she marries my ex. 

There is a SF. He never crossed boundaries or assumed he needed to be more involved than either parent wanted him to be. He didn't document for me, he can't even tell you where my court papers are and has never read them. He knows I get CS but he doesn't know the amount. I don't talk about these things, he doesn't bring them up. He never talked to the lawyer for me and didn't go to court with me. If his going somewhere would have caused issues with my ex he didn't go. No pick ups, no drop offs. He stayed off my ex's radar and life was good on that side. 

It was only when my ex's woman decided that she just had to be involved where she didn't need to be that we had problems.

bothsidesofcoin
by on Apr. 19, 2014 at 1:53 AM
5 moms liked this

Packermom4ever- you realize this is a step mom post. You make it sound like I am personally attacking your issues. What you chose to disclose to your husband and not do so is your issue. If you can't put your self in a step mom role or have experienced it, you really have no need to stick your nose in and add your two cents. If your husband doesn't know what's going on with the stepkids, chances are he has NOTHING to do with YOUR kids. If you want it that way....more power to you. Having kids is a package deal. I see that you are the type of mother that tells your children that their father is a fool. But who is the fool? HIm or the the one who slept with him knowing he was a fool? If you are not a stepmom and cannot add input to my question listed above do not further waste time posting anything. 

FreedomTruth
by Bronze Member on Apr. 19, 2014 at 4:04 AM
Did the father ever ask about medical or dental prior to you. He signed and agreed to the order for liberal visitation which used to be used quite often. If he has an issue with the attorney he should file a complaint with the state bar. What did they do for insurance prior to your marriage? Was he providing insurance as ordered or did you get married and start saying they need this and that and try to take over? You are newly married. Take a step back and let dh handle bm. do not expect bm to care about anything you want or think. If you go to court expect a judge to tell you to back off.
bothsidesofcoin
by on Apr. 19, 2014 at 10:42 AM
They had no medical or dental while they were married. DH was self-employed, now is working for company in same line of work with a great benefits plan. However he's only been working there for about a month and is waiting to get paperwork started for healthcare. He was ordered to supply health and dental when available. She has them on Medicaid. DH is under my insurance (again offering to put them on mine- but totally not required) but then we will have double coverage when he gets his paperwork set up.
Why is everyone worried about the insurance part? It's not the question.
donnag013
by Member on Apr. 19, 2014 at 10:55 AM
1 mom liked this

This will be very difficult due to the parental alienation. I know you don't want an attorney, or can afford one, or whatever. You need to have documentation organized. Make a list of very specific issues, and requests. Don't wait for her to be on the offensive, if you can help it. File for modification of cs and visitation, maybe 50/50. That is the new standard across many states now.

You all HAVE to get copies of any orders to be able to fight them. You should be able to look them up online, or get copies at the curthouse. This is crucial, to find out what is going on. A protective order MUST be served to be valid. Otherwise, how can a person know what they are to do/not supposed to do.

If there is no protective order, then she is keeping your dh from his kids illegally. But it will take a court order to fix. Then please get the book Divorce Poison abut parental alienation, and get some advice.

You could file an emergency order for pickup, as I had to do, citing possible medical neglect on the youngest child, and fear for his safety. But that is risky. This is hard without an attorney.

bothsidesofcoin
by on Apr. 19, 2014 at 11:08 AM
DonnaG thank you. There is no protective order, just her motion for one over a month ago. Not liking her aside, it's the kids that don't need to deal with this. They have a dad that loves them very much and wants to see them but isn't allowed by her. She lies all the time and will get caught in this lie in court with text messages. We figure she didn't want him to see the kids on Easter even though we live 10 mins away.
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