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Hi ladies, I need some help!

Posted by on Apr. 21, 2014 at 2:39 PM
  • 60 Replies

Hello! 

I am a bm who had a pretty awesome relationship with my eh's girlfriend, until the other day when my gut instinct told me to check dd's (9yo) phone. I found texts from said girlfriend, dating as far back as November  telling dd that "no matter heat happens, they will always be friends", discussing her relationship with eh, telling her that she misses eh, etc. Another thread was about me not letting dd go over to eh's house (he was out of state, I called him on the phone and we both made the decision that dd should stay at my house), because dd and the girlfriend had made plans without asking me or eh if that was ok. She was talking about how upset she was and what not. I also found gaps in their texts, so dd has been deleting parts of their conversations. I'm pretty freaked out, because it have opened my home to eh's girlfriend, I've been more than friendly and accommodating and I really thought things were going great. Now I'm afraid that she is manipulating dd to stay with eh, as well as making me look bad. I spoke to eh last night and he told me that he had concerns as well, because he thinks that his girlfriend has been too friendly with dd and not acting as an adult should. He said that his gf will not tell dd no and he's slowly turning into the bad guy, even in his own house. 

What do you ladies think? 

by on Apr. 21, 2014 at 2:39 PM
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Replies (1-10):
Shannonb88
by Bronze Member on Apr. 21, 2014 at 3:15 PM
3 moms liked this
Why does a 9yo have a phone?
jules2boys
by Gold Member on Apr. 21, 2014 at 3:21 PM
2 moms liked this

I think EX needs to reconsider his relationship with the GF and DDs phone needs to block GFs number if she can't see what is wrong with what she's sharing with this 9yo. 

PumpkinSpice8
by Silver Member on Apr. 21, 2014 at 3:29 PM
I think the girlfriend sounds immature and she needs to stop texting a 9yo.
oldproatthis
by Silver Member on Apr. 21, 2014 at 3:40 PM
1 mom liked this
You can't control the girlfriend, neither can your ex-husband, but, he CAN control a nine year old...block the GFs number and simple...your daughter doesn't go over there unless her dad is there to supervise her until the GF understands her place. She gets no alone time with the GF. He's just going to have to grow a pair and lay down the law with the GF as to who the parent is and the fact that what he says goes and be man enough to take the heat for it...you're going to have to talk to him about this...
biberonka
by Member on Apr. 21, 2014 at 4:45 PM

It's supposed to be for emergencies. I pay for it, because both eh and I work 40 minutes away and we've had problems with her bus not getting her home on time, her falling asleep on the bus and they did not notify us, etc. 

Quoting Shannonb88: Why does a 9yo have a phone?


biberonka
by Member on Apr. 21, 2014 at 4:46 PM

Thank you. I'm really trying not to overreact, but it worries me that eh feels the same and still does nothing about it. 

Quoting PumpkinSpice8: I think the girlfriend sounds immature and she needs to stop texting a 9yo.


biberonka
by Member on Apr. 21, 2014 at 4:51 PM
1 mom liked this

I spoke with him last night and had him read the texts for himself. He said that he would speak with her about it. She has been calling me all day (we work for the same school district, so she has unlimited access to my extension at work), e-mailing me that we need to talk. I told her that I do not feel like personal matters should be discussed at work and that I can stop by eh's place after work if she would like to talk. In all honesty I would like for him to be there, because I do not feel comfortable talking to her alone. I want to make sure he knows what is being said. Do you think that is fair? 

Quoting oldproatthis: You can't control the girlfriend, neither can your ex-husband, but, he CAN control a nine year old...block the GFs number and simple...your daughter doesn't go over there unless her dad is there to supervise her until the GF understands her place. She gets no alone time with the GF. He's just going to have to grow a pair and lay down the law with the GF as to who the parent is and the fact that what he says goes and be man enough to take the heat for it...you're going to have to talk to him about this...


oldproatthis
by Silver Member on Apr. 21, 2014 at 5:39 PM
1 mom liked this

I say this, and this is NOT from the BM perspective AT ALL...I'm just the SM, have no bios of my own. I'm also usually one of the most millitant SMs here, or at least accused of being it...really I'm not...if you read my advice carefully I'm all for SMs and BMs staying out of each other's space, and remembering a couple of things that they BOTH forget...SMs forget MOM IS MOM...BMs tend to forget SM isn't vapor...the kids probably will get attached if she sticks around so acting like she's vapor or treating her like shit, bad idea. Simple solution, stay in your own sandbox. That being said...

Speak to her if you have something YOU feel you need to say to her. Your daughter is yours...you have a right to have the say so over her, particularly the time that she isn't in the care of dad. A girlfriend does not need to manipulate time away from you. I don't know that I would go over there blindly with no idea what she wants to say...really this should have been handled between her and your ex. When BM has been pissed at me, she lets my DH know, he decides if it's an issue worth taking up with me, if it is, HE deals with me and BM and I never tangle over the issue again. It really is up to you if you want to talk to her. I would absolutely NOT do it without the ex present, he needs to hear first hand exactly what is said.

Quoting biberonka:

I spoke with him last night and had him read the texts for himself. He said that he would speak with her about it. She has been calling me all day (we work for the same school district, so she has unlimited access to my extension at work), e-mailing me that we need to talk. I told her that I do not feel like personal matters should be discussed at work and that I can stop by eh's place after work if she would like to talk. In all honesty I would like for him to be there, because I do not feel comfortable talking to her alone. I want to make sure he knows what is being said. Do you think that is fair? 

Quoting oldproatthis: You can't control the girlfriend, neither can your ex-husband, but, he CAN control a nine year old...block the GFs number and simple...your daughter doesn't go over there unless her dad is there to supervise her until the GF understands her place. She gets no alone time with the GF. He's just going to have to grow a pair and lay down the law with the GF as to who the parent is and the fact that what he says goes and be man enough to take the heat for it...you're going to have to talk to him about this...

 

 

sandeeyo
by Le Bonjour Chat on Apr. 21, 2014 at 5:43 PM

 Your ex's girlfriend is his problem, not yours.  With that said, you should tell her that she needs to discuss things with him first.  He can relay any message or comments from her to you.

That way, he's kept in the loop and any communication you have with her won't turn into "BM said, GF said".  Meaning she won't misinterpret/twist anything you say that could potentially end an ok relationship between you and your ex.

Quoting biberonka:

I spoke with him last night and had him read the texts for himself. He said that he would speak with her about it. She has been calling me all day (we work for the same school district, so she has unlimited access to my extension at work), e-mailing me that we need to talk. I told her that I do not feel like personal matters should be discussed at work and that I can stop by eh's place after work if she would like to talk. In all honesty I would like for him to be there, because I do not feel comfortable talking to her alone. I want to make sure he knows what is being said. Do you think that is fair? 

Quoting oldproatthis: You can't control the girlfriend, neither can your ex-husband, but, he CAN control a nine year old...block the GFs number and simple...your daughter doesn't go over there unless her dad is there to supervise her until the GF understands her place. She gets no alone time with the GF. He's just going to have to grow a pair and lay down the law with the GF as to who the parent is and the fact that what he says goes and be man enough to take the heat for it...you're going to have to talk to him about this...

 

 

Leigh84
by Silver Member on Apr. 21, 2014 at 5:47 PM
This is definatly an issue. I would prob let eh handle it since it seems he's on the same page in recognizing there's a problem. If you want to speak to her yourself I'd definatly make sure he's home.
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