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Do you tell your husband?

Posted by on Apr. 22, 2014 at 1:28 PM
  • 28 Replies

Hello and Happy Tuesday!

My SD (12) and I are quite close and she trusts me. She has always told me what's on her mind, the 411 about boys and the mean girl challenges of her 6th grade class, etc.... She has a boy she likes, but they are "not going out" - whatever that means. Her response to going out means you post a pic together on Instagram. Normally I don't tell my husband what she shares unless I think he needs to know because its the type of stuff any parent would want to know. For example, he knows of her crush, but I spared him the details, etc.  Last weekend she told me about some bullying issues at her school where I am quite sure she is the one doing the bullying. Her way of sticking it to her bully is by bullying her back. Petty stuff really but still not exactly the way a parent would want their child behaving.

I don't quite know what to do. If I tell my husband I now he will get very upset. She may stop sharing things with me which means we will no longer know what is really going on with her, who she's hanging out with, etc... but then again, I think this needs to be addressed. I tried to talk to her about it and how as a young girl that can be very hurtful, etc... Sunday my husband and I watched Mean Girls and were talking about bullying and he even said if he knew his daughter bullied someone she'd be grounded for a month! I kept my mouth shut. I know if that happened I'd break her trust and that would put her on a path to hating me...

So what would you do? Break her trust or keep quiet?

by on Apr. 22, 2014 at 1:28 PM
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Replies (1-10):
Leigh84
by Gold Member on Apr. 22, 2014 at 1:37 PM
1 mom liked this
So she's bullying the bully? I'd tell DH. If there was an incident at school and he found out you knew about it but didn't tell him he'd probably be upset right?
Shannonb88
by Bronze Member on Apr. 22, 2014 at 1:43 PM
Is she sticking up for herself or actually bullying?
Birdseed
by Platinum Member on Apr. 22, 2014 at 1:49 PM
1 mom liked this

I think that if my husband was reactive as yours is, I'd want to walk through some what if's with him before I laid things out.

It will not do you guys any good for you to share things with him and then he turns around and does something crazy.  I think it's better to have a situation where she shares and you can advise her.  It would be BEST if he could be in the loop and advise you.  But unless she's doing something that could harm herself or others, I personally think I'd keep it under my hat if Dad isn't going to play along.


cdrainey3
by Cher on Apr. 22, 2014 at 1:52 PM
3 moms liked this
I would go to her and tell her it's not right and you really think she should sit down with her dad and tell him. Maybe prepare your dh and ask him to really listen. Tell your sd you can sit in if she wants, but that this isn't right and its not okay. Give her the chance to tell her dad first.
BrandiGra
by Bronze Member on Apr. 22, 2014 at 1:55 PM
Another direction you can take is to anonymously call the school counselor and tell her the names of the children involved and let the school handle it.
No one will know it was you.
I did that recently when I discovered one of SS's friends was cutting. Again. He is now back in counseling.
No one knows it was me that called.
jules2boys
by Gold Member on Apr. 22, 2014 at 2:00 PM

I'm NOT in this situation, however, as with kids I used to babysit, younger siblings of friends of mine who'd confide in me, or kids I worked with through church confided in me (and what I'd do if friends of the boys confided in me) is, I'd tell them that I though this (whatever 'this' is) was something that their parents needed to hear.  I'd offer to EITHER talk to the parents for them (though not recommended) or give them a date with which they could talk to their parents or I would be talking to them myself (if it was more severe/important).  I'd also offer to be right there with them when they talked to their parents, to sort of 'buffer' the situation if needed (church teens and kids I sat for often did).  I was never a SM though, where I'd 'be there' anyway in the house. 

Maybe you could let her know that you aren't sure that her reaction was the most positive one in the circumstance given, and you feel her dad should know.  Then offer to be there with her while she tells him, or asks him what SHOULD she have done, confessing to doing it BUT also asking for his help in how to address it in the future so he's not so angry with her.  Hopefully DH would be more open to her seeking his help rather than simply punishing her for not knowing how to respond in a manner HE'D prefer. 

Shannonb88
by Bronze Member on Apr. 22, 2014 at 2:04 PM
I completely agree with this! I do this with my SD. When she tells me something I think her dad should know, I sit her down and explain to her that daddy needs to know what you told me. That way she's the one telling him, not you, and there is no trust broken. Now a days, schools take bullying really seriously and your Sd could get into trouble. (For even the smallest thing) my SDs friends was wearing a football team shirt, at recess she was going around telling everyone that it was the best team blah blah an my Sd told her no, my team is better. They both got in trouble because they considered that 'bullying'

Quoting cdrainey3: I would go to her and tell her it's not right and you really think she should sit down with her dad and tell him. Maybe prepare your dh and ask him to really listen. Tell your sd you can sit in if she wants, but that this isn't right and its not okay. Give her the chance to tell her dad first.
Caitlin10081989
by on Apr. 22, 2014 at 2:11 PM
1 mom liked this

Keep quiet and work with her on not bullying the person who is bullying her back. 

andie646c
by Silver Member on Apr. 22, 2014 at 2:16 PM
1 mom liked this

What exactly is being constituted as bullying here? How did the other girl bully her and how is she bullyinh back? Is it "normal" girl stuff or is beyond that?

I'm not saying bullying is every *right* but sometimes people see things as bullying that are simply children growing up. 

momof2ex1
by Ruby Member on Apr. 22, 2014 at 2:41 PM
1 mom liked this
I was always very close to my stepdad. For as long as I can remember, he has always said, you can confide in me but I won't lie to your mother for you. I don't keep secrets from my wife. If I feel there is something that she needs to know, then we will tell her together.

This may be something you want to talk to your sd about and let her know - her secrets are safe with you BUT some secrets are not secrets. Some are safety concerns that need a parents attention. If you are up front with her from the get go - that you don't keep secrets from your husband but you will be there for her and she can confide in you - she can learn to understand the difference between confidentiality and protecting a child.

The bullying stuff - dad should know. But maybe the two of you can tell him together. Or like I do with my own daughter - I tell her, I need to let your dad know ... Want to tell him or do you want me to? And a lot of the time she will just tell him but some things she has asked me to tell him. Like when she started her period. He needed to know so he could be prepared at his home. But she didn't want to be the one to tell him.

We don't have 'secrets' in our home ... And the kids know that.
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