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Stepson is bulling my son

Posted by on Apr. 22, 2014 at 8:57 PM
  • 22 Replies
My stepson is 11 and my son is 12 and autism spectrum disorder. Last year we took my son and daughter to NYC for hotdog eating contest and did not take step kids because we did not have them. We have my son 100 percent of the time because his dad doesn't care if he sees him. Step kids are here 50 percent.
We just got back Sunday from taking step kids and my son to Florida for spring break. Tonight before bed I find my son crying. Stepson was "bulling him". His words because what step son said upset him. Step son said "you are so spoiled". "You or to go to NYC an we wanted to" and apparently a few other things. The NYC trip was last July.
So I have no idea how to handle this. On one hand my son needs to learn how to stand up for himself on the other hand I feel like it's just common sibling stuff that if they were blood brothers I may not be so upset about. My DH has no comment on this at all and my mom bear instinct wants to tell step son to stop calling my son spoiled just because his mother does nothing with him when she has him it's not my fault. (Which I would never say but know this is probably the root cause, that or the fact my son sees DH more than his own children do)
I will probably leave it and I told my son not to be afraid to stand up for himself but would love advice because this is the probably the 5th time one of the step kids has mentioned this trip they didn't get to go on to my son and how spoiled he is. They don't get that he isn't spoiled we are just living our lives even if they aren't here.
by on Apr. 22, 2014 at 8:57 PM
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Replies (1-10):
momager2two
by Member on Apr. 22, 2014 at 9:03 PM
My odd is 7 and struggles with this. Dh, ydd and i do things when odd is with her dad sometimes. Nothing big, maybe out to dinner or to the zoo (we have passes). She used to get really upset that our lives didnt stop when she left. I explained to her that she is at her dads doing things her sister doesnt get to do. I also told her that we dont intentionally schedule anything without making sure she is with us. After explaining this to her she hasnt had such an attitude about it.
veggiemom474
by Member on Apr. 23, 2014 at 1:19 PM

This is easy.

He is obviously jealous. Just sit him down, explain how it made his step-brother sad when he called him spoiled. You understand he may have felt sad himself because he wanted to go as well, and that it's ok to feel sad sometimes, but it wasn't ok to take it out on his step-brother. Have him apologize. I think since the family dynamic is complicated, u may feel this to be more complicated than it is.

If SS is jealous, after the apology, maybe show him some extra attention. Make him feel special.

jules2boys
by Gold Member on Apr. 23, 2014 at 1:31 PM

I agree.  At 11 your SS needs to be sat down with DH and you and have things explained again.  Things WILL simply be different between them because they don't share the same parents (biologically).  There is no getting around that.  Things aren't done to 'spoil' any of the children but, you and DH need to stick to the CO, therefore sometimes the Skids will miss out, sometimes they won't.  But, no ones life must be put on hold when the skids leave. 

Maybe help SS think of things he DOES get to do with BM or BMs family that your kids don't get to do... maybe that'll help him put things in perspective. 

GlockMom
by Platinum Member on Apr. 23, 2014 at 1:34 PM

Does your DH do anything with just the skids since you guys do things with just your kids?

Birdseed
by Platinum Member on Apr. 23, 2014 at 2:49 PM

I'm getting tired of the use of the word "bullying".  This wasn't bullying IMHO.

DH's kid(s) feel left out because you guys are off doing fun stuff without them.  I think a sit down as the other ladies have mentioned is in order.

But also, knowing how much it bothers them, perhaps you could make a concerted effort to plan the fun stuff when everyone can attend?  If they're with you 50/50 then it shouldn't be that hard.  Obviously some activities are going to be scheduled for times when the kids aren't scheduled.  Does your DH ask if he can swap weekends then or do you all just carry on as if those kids don't exist when they're not CO'd to be there?

I don't have kids of my own so we don't have that kind of kid rivalry in our home. But there have certainly been times where we wanted to take a trip or go see something time sensitive and so we just swap time with BM so the kids can go.

packermom4ever
by Still The Queen on Apr. 23, 2014 at 2:51 PM

What Glock asked. 

It could be as simple as your husband's kid is feeling jealous that his father is doing things with your kids without his kids there. 

GlockMom
by Platinum Member on Apr. 23, 2014 at 3:09 PM

I'm glad someone else feels like that too.  It's the wussification of America.  Anything said to or about someone is bullying.  It all falls in line with all people being equal and fair.  It is why everyone gets a trophy, not just the winners.

Honestly, if my skids had told either of my kids they were spoiled because of things DH and I did with them when skids were not with us and acted like they were really bothered by it I would have been taking a personal inventory of my own actions to fix the issue.  And a child harping on their stepsibling about a trip that took place nearly a year ago...that kind of indicates hurt feelings.

Quoting Birdseed:

I'm getting tired of the use of the word "bullying".  This wasn't bullying IMHO.


oldproatthis
by Silver Member on Apr. 23, 2014 at 3:23 PM
1 mom liked this

There is truth here...

The reality is people are NOT all equal and life is not fair...there are people who are thinner, fatter, smarter, quieter, louder...adjectives exist for a reason. If we were all equal we would all be identical.

LIfe is not fair either...when kids have different parents they have different biology, so those kids will first, not be biologically equal and second, they will have different opportunities based on what the different parents can and are willing to provide.

This will sound harsh but BOTH these boys need a little bit of a reality check.

SS needs to learn he has different parents and go to THEM with his desires feelings of "unfairness"

OPs son needs to realize just because someone calls him spoiled doesn't mean he needs to react. He will be called many things throughout his life, people in the world are like that. He needs help from his parents learning to brush things off. If the parents make a big deal the kid will, if the parents don't the kid usually doesn't. Kids tend to follow the parents reaction.

Quoting GlockMom:

I'm glad someone else feels like that too.  It's the wussification of America.  Anything said to or about someone is bullying.  It all falls in line with all people being equal and fair.  It is why everyone gets a trophy, not just the winners.

Honestly, if my skids had told either of my kids they were spoiled because of things DH and I did with them when skids were not with us and acted like they were really bothered by it I would have been taking a personal inventory of my own actions to fix the issue.  And a child harping on their stepsibling about a trip that took place nearly a year ago...that kind of indicates hurt feelings.

Quoting Birdseed:

I'm getting tired of the use of the word "bullying".  This wasn't bullying IMHO.

 

GlockMom
by Platinum Member on Apr. 23, 2014 at 3:35 PM

But the OP husband is the other boys dad.  Why should his kid not be equal to his stepkid?  I think OP and her DH need to work on making sure that since life doesn't stop when the skids aren't there that he takes some time with his own kids when they are there.  Or will that be unfair to her son since he is there 100% of the time?

Quoting oldproatthis:

There is truth here...

The reality is people are NOT all equal and life is not fair...there are people who are thinner, fatter, smarter, quieter, louder...adjectives exist for a reason. If we were all equal we would all be identical.

LIfe is not fair either...when kids have different parents they have different biology, so those kids will first, not be biologically equal and second, they will have different opportunities based on what the different parents can and are willing to provide.

This will sound harsh but BOTH these boys need a little bit of a reality check.

SS needs to learn he has different parents and go to THEM with his desires feelings of "unfairness"

OPs son needs to realize just because someone calls him spoiled doesn't mean he needs to react. He will be called many things throughout his life, people in the world are like that. He needs help from his parents learning to brush things off. If the parents make a big deal the kid will, if the parents don't the kid usually doesn't. Kids tend to follow the parents reaction.

Quoting GlockMom:

I'm glad someone else feels like that too.  It's the wussification of America.  Anything said to or about someone is bullying.  It all falls in line with all people being equal and fair.  It is why everyone gets a trophy, not just the winners.

Honestly, if my skids had told either of my kids they were spoiled because of things DH and I did with them when skids were not with us and acted like they were really bothered by it I would have been taking a personal inventory of my own actions to fix the issue.  And a child harping on their stepsibling about a trip that took place nearly a year ago...that kind of indicates hurt feelings.

Quoting Birdseed:

I'm getting tired of the use of the word "bullying".  This wasn't bullying IMHO.



rsmom2511
by Member on Apr. 23, 2014 at 3:52 PM
Well the OPs son has autism.., hence the over reaction, we can't hold that against him really. Children with autism don't react the way most kids do to stress so lets take that out if the equation for a minute and focus on the jealousy that is really the route of the problem with skid. I agree with the other posters who suggested a family sit-down and honest conversation about the reality that yes, life goes on when skids aren't there, but that every attempt will be made to include them in the fun stuff. Step families have their issues and thus one seems to be pretty common
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