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Lies, hurt, angry and just want to claim defeat

Posted by on Apr. 23, 2014 at 9:59 AM
  • 47 Replies

I haven't posted in a long time so...Background, I am csm to ss18 and sd13. Both kids asked to come live with dh and I on their own due to bm not being able to provide a stable home life for them. She get eowe.

last year sd was cutting, threatened to commit suicide and was all sorts of mentally unstable and almost needed to be committed. We have had her on antidepressants and in weekly therapy and she has been much more stable, or so I thought...

She is 13 in the 7th grade, and just found out she has a 15 yeas old boyfriend (he is in high school) she is not allowed to have a boyfriend because we don't think she can mentally handle that and in past convos sd has agreed with us...but that was a lie. Sd then texted the boyfriend and said that I called her a slut and said she didn't deserve to live here...this was the most hurtful lie. She had no excuse why she said that when I confronted her.

To make matters worse bm has know about the boyfriend for at least a few weeks and allows him to come over her house when she is not there and has allowed sd to go to his house. Bm lied to dh and I last night and claimed that she didn't know but I have sd's phone and have proof. So more lies.

Bm does not co parent with us. She claims she will but then let's sd do what ever she wants while at her house. When bm saw the sexting on sd phone she did look visable horrified. I think bm stupidly thought this was all very innocent but it has been anything but that. And then Bm said we need to work together! Ha!

i also found pictures of sd smoking pot in her phone. Sd has told bm, dh and myself how she knows drugs are bad and she would never do them. There is another lie. I also found an Instagram account which she is also not allowed to have after she posted she wanted to commit suicide on it and one of the teaches saw it before I did and all hell broke lose.

her therapist told me last night that she hasn't mentioned the boyfriend or anything of significance in a few weeks. Why am I taking this kid to therapy when she isn't really using it?

i am hurt by the lies, angry that bm won't coparent and basically undermines everything good we try to do for this kid so when do I get to give up?

by on Apr. 23, 2014 at 9:59 AM
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Replies (1-10):
Birdseed
by Platinum Member on Apr. 23, 2014 at 10:10 AM

I think you would feel less hurt if you were less involved.  You can give up whenever you want. This is an issue for DH.  You can back him up, you can support him.  But you don't have to be the one talking to BM, going through SD's phone, or looking for her instagram account(s).  Her Dad should be doing that.

If SD has an iphone, there are parental controls your DH can put on them.  We have Verizon and for $5/mo per line you can control what apps are on the phone what contacts are approved, set times of day for phone calls, see texts, etc.  Maybe your DH needs to look into that.

I think it's pretty normal for a lot of 13YOs to want to have a boyfriend and a year or two age gap is normal.  But the unsupervised visits don't seem wise.  I hope your DH drove that point home with BM.  Sounds like this is a kiddo who needs very close supervision else the next thing you'll be posting about is how she's pregnant.

I honestly have a hard time imagining a scenario where a 13YO would be alone enough to be doing these things. Especially on a weekend. 

6isus
by Bronze Member on Apr. 23, 2014 at 10:14 AM
Your SD is SCREAMING FOR HELP! she is at a tough age. Sounds like her life hasn't been easy. BM unstable... Their is probably a huge need for you, your DH and BM to all attend therapy with this girl. A good family therapist will likely want to see everyone individually and then incorporate two person sessions until progress is made! Don't give up on her. This is when she needs you and her parents the most.
zannahdeux
by Silver Member on Apr. 23, 2014 at 11:02 AM

I have been so involved because her bm wasnt. Bm doesn't get involved in anything and doesn't want to. I always felt bad and tried to make up for what she didn't do...but now I feel used and useless


the funny thing is we did put contols on her phone and two months ago her iPhone died and she was adamant that she not get another iPhone. I am not sure we can out the same controls on her android...I feel so dumb now

Quoting Birdseed:

I think you would feel less hurt if you were less involved.  You can give up whenever you want. This is an issue for DH.  You can back him up, you can support him.  But you don't have to be the one talking to BM, going through SD's phone, or looking for her instagram account(s).  Her Dad should be doing that.

If SD has an iphone, there are parental controls your DH can put on them.  We have Verizon and for $5/mo per line you can control what apps are on the phone what contacts are approved, set times of day for phone calls, see texts, etc.  Maybe your DH needs to look into that.

I think it's pretty normal for a lot of 13YOs to want to have a boyfriend and a year or two age gap is normal.  But the unsupervised visits don't seem wise.  I hope your DH drove that point home with BM.  Sounds like this is a kiddo who needs very close supervision else the next thing you'll be posting about is how she's pregnant.

I honestly have a hard time imagining a scenario where a 13YO would be alone enough to be doing these things. Especially on a weekend. 


zannahdeux
by Silver Member on Apr. 23, 2014 at 11:08 AM

What else can I do for this girl? I take her to therapy once a week, a psychiatrist once a month, make sure she takes her medication which is doesn't feel she needs and wants to come off of it, talk to her all the time about school, life, etc. all I have been met with is lies and resentment. I am so tired of her drama...her life hasn't been that hard beside the idiot she has for a mom of which I have made up for she wants for nothing emotionally or physically....I am so burned out

Quoting 6isus: Your SD is SCREAMING FOR HELP! she is at a tough age. Sounds like her life hasn't been easy. BM unstable... Their is probably a huge need for you, your DH and BM to all attend therapy with this girl. A good family therapist will likely want to see everyone individually and then incorporate two person sessions until progress is made! Don't give up on her. This is when she needs you and her parents the most.


tiafez
by Silver Member on Apr. 23, 2014 at 11:16 AM
1 mom liked this

I don't have advice but wanted you to know I read this and am sad that you are dealing with this. I'm sending my good thoughts your way.

jules2boys
by Gold Member on Apr. 23, 2014 at 2:51 PM
1 mom liked this

Perhaps you are wrong here. Perhaps there IS something she wants for still, emotionally and physically.  Perhaps she wants her MOM involved.   If that's the case, there is NOTHING you can do for her.  This is NOT a failure on your part in any way, it's something she'll have to work out on her own, or with her own mother, but this isn't something YOU can fix, nor something DH can fix.  Only her, and her mom can fix this, or get past it. 

I agree with some others.  Perhaps it's simply time to step back and let her parents figure things out, or fail her, all on their own.  If you weren't there to "pick up the pieces", what would happen then?  Would you feel less hurt, angry and used?  And by whom? 

Quoting zannahdeux:

What else can I do for this girl? I take her to therapy once a week, a psychiatrist once a month, make sure she takes her medication which is doesn't feel she needs and wants to come off of it, talk to her all the time about school, life, etc. all I have been met with is lies and resentment. I am so tired of her drama...her life hasn't been that hard beside the idiot she has for a mom of which I have made up for she wants for nothing emotionally or physically....I am so burned out

Quoting 6isus: Your SD is SCREAMING FOR HELP! she is at a tough age. Sounds like her life hasn't been easy. BM unstable... Their is probably a huge need for you, your DH and BM to all attend therapy with this girl. A good family therapist will likely want to see everyone individually and then incorporate two person sessions until progress is made! Don't give up on her. This is when she needs you and her parents the most.



Pero3
by Silver Member on Apr. 23, 2014 at 4:13 PM
4 moms liked this

Zannah, we have heard a lot about what YOU do and about what BM DOESN'T do ... unless you somehow miraculously impregnated BM, isn't there somebody missing here???

zannahdeux
by Silver Member on Apr. 23, 2014 at 4:15 PM

Thank you for your perspective it is really helpful and yes she does want her mom. Unfortunately her mom will not change so she needs to learn to deal with and accept who and how limited she is but until that point...

If I step back what will happen? Good question! Not really sure. Neither parent will step up and do what I was doing because neither of them did it before I came along. Worst case, many of her needs will go unmet, she won't take her medication, she wil become unstable and revert back to cutting and suicide. So many have failed her in life and now I will I been perceived as failing her too? Best case, she learns not to bite the had that feeds her and tries to amend our relationship.

Disengaging would allow me to protect myself so I would be less hurt, probably still angry but not so burned out.

Quoting jules2boys:

Perhaps you are wrong here. Perhaps there IS something she wants for still, emotionally and physically.  Perhaps she wants her MOM involved.   If that's the case, there is NOTHING you can do for her.  This is NOT a failure on your part in any way, it's something she'll have to work out on her own, or with her own mother, but this isn't something YOU can fix, nor something DH can fix.  Only her, and her mom can fix this, or get past it. 

I agree with some others.  Perhaps it's simply time to step back and let her parents figure things out, or fail her, all on their own.  If you weren't there to "pick up the pieces", what would happen then?  Would you feel less hurt, angry and used?  And by whom? 

Quoting zannahdeux:

What else can I do for this girl? I take her to therapy once a week, a psychiatrist once a month, make sure she takes her medication which is doesn't feel she needs and wants to come off of it, talk to her all the time about school, life, etc. all I have been met with is lies and resentment. I am so tired of her drama...her life hasn't been that hard beside the idiot she has for a mom of which I have made up for she wants for nothing emotionally or physically....I am so burned out

Quoting 6isus: Your SD is SCREAMING FOR HELP! she is at a tough age. Sounds like her life hasn't been easy. BM unstable... Their is probably a huge need for you, your DH and BM to all attend therapy with this girl. A good family therapist will likely want to see everyone individually and then incorporate two person sessions until progress is made! Don't give up on her. This is when she needs you and her parents the most.




HopesNDreams
by Silver Member on Apr. 23, 2014 at 4:31 PM
4 moms liked this
If you step back, one of two things will happen. Either her father will step up (I find this unlikely since he hasn't yet) or she will break down and her services will step up. This will force her parents to get involved because they will require it for hospitalizations or residential care.

She is not crying out for your attention, nor your care. The more you give her only emphasizes what she us not getting from her parents. They - or at least one of them - need to learn how to be a parent to this child.

Quoting zannahdeux:

Thank you for your perspective it is really helpful and yes she does want her mom. Unfortunately her mom will not change so she needs to learn to deal with and accept who and how limited she is but until that point...

If I step back what will happen? Good question! Not really sure. Neither parent will step up and do what I was doing because neither of them did it before I came along. Worst case, many of her needs will go unmet, she won't take her medication, she wil become unstable and revert back to cutting and suicide. So many have failed her in life and now I will I been perceived as failing her too? Best case, she learns not to bite the had that feeds her and tries to amend our relationship.

Disengaging would allow me to protect myself so I would be less hurt, probably still angry but not so burned out.

Quoting jules2boys:

Perhaps you are wrong here. Perhaps there IS something she wants for still, emotionally and physically.  Perhaps she wants her MOM involved.   If that's the case, there is NOTHING you can do for her.  This is NOT a failure on your part in any way, it's something she'll have to work out on her own, or with her own mother, but this isn't something YOU can fix, nor something DH can fix.  Only her, and her mom can fix this, or get past it. 

I agree with some others.  Perhaps it's simply time to step back and let her parents figure things out, or fail her, all on their own.  If you weren't there to "pick up the pieces", what would happen then?  Would you feel less hurt, angry and used?  And by whom? 

Quoting zannahdeux:

What else can I do for this girl? I take her to therapy once a week, a psychiatrist once a month, make sure she takes her medication which is doesn't feel she needs and wants to come off of it, talk to her all the time about school, life, etc. all I have been met with is lies and resentment. I am so tired of her drama...her life hasn't been that hard beside the idiot she has for a mom of which I have made up for she wants for nothing emotionally or physically....I am so burned out

Quoting 6isus: Your SD is SCREAMING FOR HELP! she is at a tough age. Sounds like her life hasn't been easy. BM unstable... Their is probably a huge need for you, your DH and BM to all attend therapy with this girl. A good family therapist will likely want to see everyone individually and then incorporate two person sessions until progress is made! Don't give up on her. This is when she needs you and her parents the most.


HopesNDreams

Come join me at Stepping Beyond StepParenting, a group for stepmoms dealing with troubled preteens/teens
zannahdeux
by Silver Member on Apr. 23, 2014 at 4:31 PM

Fair question...right now he is away on business so I didn't mention him and this all went down last night. He is tired of sd's drama and anytime she does anything that reminds him of his ex(bm) he doesn't tolerate it. His response was let her pack a bag and go back and live with her mom if she isn't going to live by our rules. I did not relay that message to sd mind you, that is not my place. He also told me to take her phone and all electronics away and that she is grounded, etc.

 He also doesn't know the full story yet. I know he has to get work done and won't be able to do that if I told him everything. He already cut his trip short when I told him some things and is coming home as soon as he can. He Did call bm right away to reinforce that we all need to be on the same page but knows she lies to us and does whatever she wants anyway with sd. He tries his best. I am interested to see what happens when he comes home.....

Quoting Pero3:

Zannah, we have heard a lot about what YOU do and about what BM DOESN'T do ... unless you somehow miraculously impregnated BM, isn't there somebody missing here???


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