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Stepmom Central Stepmom Central

New to site and just became new bm. Was already smom

Posted by on Apr. 23, 2014 at 11:24 AM
  • 24 Replies

My husband and I have been together for a little over 3 years.  He has 3 daughters from a previous marriage; twins that are 10 and a 7 year old.  I have always cared greatly for them and been an active stepparent as my husband works a lot of weird hours.  We only get them every other weekend.

When I became pregnant with my first child last February, a lot of ppl told me that my feelings would change towards my stepchildren, but I was adamant that I would not let this happen.  At 20 weeks we found out that my daughter had a kidney issue and that she may or may not have her left kidney once she was born.  The rest of the pregnancy was monitored very closely to see how everything else developed. Luckily she was born healthy and with both kidneys (however will need surgery on the left one eventually)!! Once she was born my entire world changed!! My perspective of life was totally different and unfortunately everyone was right and my feelings towards my stepdaughters had changed has well.  I was a mess the first couple of weeks with baby blues and did not want them around her at all, but hide this from them and gritted my teeth and let them hold her. After about a month I was getting better and better letting them around her, then the unimaginable happened!

My daughter (5 weeks old) went from perfectly fine one afternoon to not breathing, me calling 911 and administering CPR on her nearly lifeless body.  She had suffered an acute pulmonary hemorrhage (bleeding in the lungs), which put us in the hospital for a month.  After running every possible test they could think of the doctors were unable to explain why or even where the bleeding came from!  She is now 5 months old and doing great! You would never no how close we came to losing her, she is an amazingly strong little girl, however due to the fact that the event was left unexplained there is always the possibility that it could happen again L So we (mainly me) are trying to keep her as healthy as possible. So with that, now my feelings about my skids are even more changed in the respect that i have so much anxiety about them being around my dd! I have gotten better and let them around her now but if I hear that one of them have been sick I will not let them too close during our weekend with them. 

I am now feeling more resentment towards them, especially bc I had to return to work (full time) back in February of this year and even though we only get them every other weekend, my husband works 3rd shift and his off days are during the week so on the weekends we have skids he leaves for work around 730pm returns around 10am and sleeps from 10am until 4pm.  So I am caring for all the kids all weekend alone and I feel like they take away my time with my dd L I feel bad feeling this way but I just do! I feel more now that they are "his" kids and not mine which he doesn't like when I say "your" kids.  But honestly, if we divorced or god forbid he died I would never see them again.  So they ARE NOT my kids, they don't call me mom b/c I am NOT their mother so why should I call them MY kids? Plus their bm is a total pain and causes drama.  So much more to my story but don't want to write a novel on here. 


I want to know that I am not an awful person for these feelings and that others feel this way as well.  Especially becoming a first time mom myself.  I do love and care for them but now having my own and after everything we have been through I could never love them the way I love her.

by on Apr. 23, 2014 at 11:24 AM
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Replies (1-10):
tiafez
by Silver Member on Apr. 23, 2014 at 11:28 AM

You have your hands full, my heart goes out to you.

LovePhotoBug5
by Member on Apr. 23, 2014 at 11:32 AM

Yikes, that is hard. I don't know how you are feeling because I have yet to become a BM. I do hope nothing changes between SD12 and me when I do have a child, but with SD19, I would not want her around, and definitely not alone. The bond between SD12 and I is greater than her and BM, so if anything was to happen to DH, I would make sure that I could still see her (SD12's BM stopped seeing SD19 when she left DH, causing SD19 to have issues with any women in father's life).

I hope that you are able to start seeing your SKs as part of your family. They should have a bond with their sibling, even if they are only "half" siblings. And as hard as it is (to say and do) try to ignore crazy BM drama... I don't have a lot (as much as some I have seen) but I do have some!

faerie75
by Platinum Member on Apr. 23, 2014 at 11:37 AM
Is it possible you still have some ppd? I do understand being overwhelmed dealing w multiple skids and a newborn but I was more annoyed at SO over that, not the skids.
bothsidesofcoin
by Member on Apr. 23, 2014 at 11:42 AM
You are not an awful person for feeling differently about a child that is yours than the skids. You have every reason to be anxious with you SD's health. However, it isn't their fault she got sick. Sounds like there may be some resentment because not only are you caring for a baby that almost died but you are now expected to be "dad" to skids because he's at work. While I don't doubt that you care for your skids, they are there for visitation with DH. You are exactly right for saying that if anything happened to DH or your relationship, you would be nothing in the skids lives.
owl0210
by Bronze Member on Apr. 23, 2014 at 11:42 AM
I'm a BM but we're expecting a baby in June and if I were in your situation I would feel completely overwhelmed. My son is 4 and my fiance's son is 5 and both of them can be a handful at times so I can only imagine what it's going to be like with a new baby soon. I would not be able to care for all three of them on my own nor would I want to. I can say that at least it's only every other weekend but you're not responsible for his children during his parenting time. Is there another solution? Could he switch to a different shift or days?
Sept-babies2
by Ashley on Apr. 23, 2014 at 11:42 AM
Just try to remember it isnt the skids fault..they didnt do anything wrong. You picked your dh and his kids are a package deal. I can understand why you feel the way you do. Is there anyway he can switch his visitation to the days he actually has off? You have your hands full and sounds like you are very stressed out.
GlockMom
by Platinum Member on Apr. 23, 2014 at 11:43 AM

He needs to find a sitter for his time, find another job so he is actually awake when they are there or get them on his actual days off.  You need to put your resentment on the person who is actually putting this on you.

smomg_82
by New Member on Apr. 23, 2014 at 11:55 AM
1 mom liked this

I know that none of this is their fault and i am in no way blaming them! I do not let them know my feelings and i try to treat them the same way i did before the baby (although i am sure they can tell a difference).  These are just my internal battles that i fight.  I dont like feeling this way but it just is what it is.  My dh could possibly change his off days to friday/saturday but would make less  money and with the amount he pays in cs that would not do us any good.  It just stinks.  Everyone wants to say " you knew what you were getting into when you married him, it was a package deal" but the truth is i didnt really know until i knew! if that makes sense.  I didnt have children of my own at the time and now that i do and i know THAT kind of love, my world and perspective has changed.  I guess i am just looking for support in the fact that it is normal changed feelings once you become a bm....idk.  I truly am a good sparent, again this is my internal battle and i need to vent it out.

whatIknownow
by Emerald Member on Apr. 23, 2014 at 11:56 AM
2 moms liked this

You are not an awful person, your feelings are completely normal. I would ask your husband to modify his parenting time so that he is home when the kids are there. They are there to see him -- what is the point if he's not there. If his days off are during the week, maybe he can spend time with them after school and have dinner with them on those days, instead of seeing them on weekends.

owl0210
by Bronze Member on Apr. 23, 2014 at 11:56 AM
1 mom liked this
There's nothing wrong with the way that you feel and even if you didn't have a child of your own you are not responsible to watch DH's children when he isn't available. He needs to find a way to be there with his kids and help you out with the baby.

Quoting smomg_82:

I know that none of this is their fault and i am in no way blaming them! I do not let them know my feelings and i try to treat them the same way i did before the baby (although i am sure they can tell a difference).  These are just my internal battles that i fight.  I dont like feeling this way but it just is what it is.  My dh could possibly change his off days to friday/saturday but would make less  money and with the amount he pays in cs that would not do us any good.  It just stinks.  Everyone wants to say " you knew what you were getting into when you married him, it was a package deal" but the truth is i didnt really know until i knew! if that makes sense.  I didnt have children of my own at the time and now that i do and i know THAT kind of love, my world and perspective has changed.  I guess i am just looking for support in the fact that it is normal changed feelings once you become a bm....idk.  I truly am a good sparent, again this is my internal battle and i need to vent it out.

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