New to site and just became new bm. Was already smom
My husband and I have been together for a little over 3 years. He has 3 daughters from a previous marriage; twins that are 10 and a 7 year old. I have always cared greatly for them and been an active stepparent as my husband works a lot of weird hours. We only get them every other weekend.
When I became pregnant with my first child last February, a lot of ppl told me that my feelings would change towards my stepchildren, but I was adamant that I would not let this happen. At 20 weeks we found out that my daughter had a kidney issue and that she may or may not have her left kidney once she was born. The rest of the pregnancy was monitored very closely to see how everything else developed. Luckily she was born healthy and with both kidneys (however will need surgery on the left one eventually)!! Once she was born my entire world changed!! My perspective of life was totally different and unfortunately everyone was right and my feelings towards my stepdaughters had changed has well. I was a mess the first couple of weeks with baby blues and did not want them around her at all, but hide this from them and gritted my teeth and let them hold her. After about a month I was getting better and better letting them around her, then the unimaginable happened!
My daughter (5 weeks old) went from perfectly fine one afternoon to not breathing, me calling 911 and administering CPR on her nearly lifeless body. She had suffered an acute pulmonary hemorrhage (bleeding in the lungs), which put us in the hospital for a month. After running every possible test they could think of the doctors were unable to explain why or even where the bleeding came from! She is now 5 months old and doing great! You would never no how close we came to losing her, she is an amazingly strong little girl, however due to the fact that the event was left unexplained there is always the possibility that it could happen again L So we (mainly me) are trying to keep her as healthy as possible. So with that, now my feelings about my skids are even more changed in the respect that i have so much anxiety about them being around my dd! I have gotten better and let them around her now but if I hear that one of them have been sick I will not let them too close during our weekend with them.
I am now feeling more resentment towards them, especially bc I had to return to work (full time) back in February of this year and even though we only get them every other weekend, my husband works 3rd shift and his off days are during the week so on the weekends we have skids he leaves for work around 730pm returns around 10am and sleeps from 10am until 4pm. So I am caring for all the kids all weekend alone and I feel like they take away my time with my dd L I feel bad feeling this way but I just do! I feel more now that they are "his" kids and not mine which he doesn't like when I say "your" kids. But honestly, if we divorced or god forbid he died I would never see them again. So they ARE NOT my kids, they don't call me mom b/c I am NOT their mother so why should I call them MY kids? Plus their bm is a total pain and causes drama. So much more to my story but don't want to write a novel on here.
I want to know that I am not an awful person for these feelings and that others feel this way as well. Especially becoming a first time mom myself. I do love and care for them but now having my own and after everything we have been through I could never love them the way I love her.