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How do you raise girls that aren't needy?

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So what's the way to go?  Is it a problem because we solve their problems and artificically inflate their self esteem?  Is it just parents that aren't involved?  an attachment thing?


OSD is naturally a people pleaser.  I worry about her sometimes, but I don't think she's needy.  at least not to that level.

by on Apr. 23, 2014 at 8:22 PM
Replies (11-20):
zannahdeux
by Silver Member on Apr. 23, 2014 at 9:30 PM

Am I terrible because this made me laugh! I don't get it...but I think I was raised more like a boy along with my other sisters because that is all my dad knew how to raise us

Quoting AmericanDream: DD 6 is a crier. Everything brings on the tears. Today it was Oreos. She wanted more than the three I said she could have. So.... Tears were necessary. Yesterday she couldn't find her dance bag. She knew I'd cleaned out the car but instead of just asking if I'd put it somewhere... I hear her bawling from down the hall. *sigh*
Quoting Boobear110:

I had a very hard time with this with my SD. It's gotten better because we have been consistant with letting her try to deal with things. She is a crier. She gets frustrated. She cries. She doesn't know how to do something, she cries. She wants something and doesn't get it, she cries.

We just don't allow her to get away with it. She has come along way. It's not always easy.


Polkadotted
by Gold Member on Apr. 23, 2014 at 9:33 PM

I've been thinking of the video she posted to show how the guy was a good dad.  That baby had to work so hard to get his attention. So she's already learning she has to bend over backwards to get a man's attention when really the parent should have been giving the attention from the beginning so the child learns I get positive attention because I'm me. 

Birdseed
by Platinum Member on Apr. 23, 2014 at 9:43 PM

While I was typing my novel, others replied and when I read those, I thought I had completely misinterpreted your intentions for this thread.  I thought you were talking about the situation as you note below.  Sorry if I went the wrong direction. 

It really worries me. With two teen girls, I am so scared--no terrified--that they will be that 20 YO girl if we don't cross our t's and dot our i's.  And with their Mom's influence about having a man being so important, no need to work, just marry well...GAH! 

I have had many talks with them about things.  I think I've been a reasonable role model as far as being an educated, professional woman.  But I'm the only adult woman they know who is like that--in the whole family, in the whole mix of women they know. 

While talking to my mom I thought about what would happen if one of my SD's got pregnant. It makes me feel terribly anxious.

And like you say below..this tiny child is begging for attention from her DAD and not getting it like she should.  You don't get it from Dad, you go elsewhere--any man, eh?

Quoting Polkadotted:

I've been thinking of the video she posted to show how the guy was a good dad.  That baby had to work so hard to get his attention. So she's already learning she has to bend over backwards to get a man's attention when really the parent should have been giving the attention from the beginning so the child learns I get positive attention because I'm me. 


Polkadotted
by Gold Member on Apr. 23, 2014 at 9:48 PM

I'm worried that OSD will be more of a fixer... I know I tend to be.  YSD isn't going to take shit from anyone and wants to do it all herself, but she tells us all the time she's not going to be and adult and just wants to live with us.

Quoting Birdseed:

While I was typing my novel, others replied and when I read those, I thought I had completely misinterpreted your intentions for this thread.  I thought you were talking about the situation as you note below.  Sorry if I went the wrong direction. 

It really worries me. With two teen girls, I am so scared--no terrified--that they will be that 20 YO girl if we don't cross our t's and dot our i's.  And with their Mom's influence about having a man being so important, no need to work, just marry well...GAH! 

I have had many talks with them about things.  I think I've been a reasonable role model as far as being an educated, professional woman.  But I'm the only adult woman they know who is like that--in the whole family, in the whole mix of women they know. 

While talking to my mom I thought about what would happen if one of my SD's got pregnant. It makes me feel terribly anxious.

And like you say below..this tiny child is begging for attention from her DAD and not getting it like she should.  You don't get it from Dad, you go elsewhere--any man, eh?

Quoting Polkadotted:

I've been thinking of the video she posted to show how the guy was a good dad.  That baby had to work so hard to get his attention. So she's already learning she has to bend over backwards to get a man's attention when really the parent should have been giving the attention from the beginning so the child learns I get positive attention because I'm me. 



momof2ex1
by Ruby Member on Apr. 23, 2014 at 9:57 PM
Oh SM told my dd the same thing. She told her that she needed to marry in to money so she can be a stay at home mom because it's SO hard to be a working mom (dd has a working mom) and that it is really not good for kids to be raised without a mom at home.

The 'defensive' side of me wanted to say wtf? Are you saying I didn't marry a man with money? Because I work? Well yes that is true but trust me he COMES from money. It's just not ours yet lol

I shared the flip side with my daughter about how empowered I feel to have a career that I feel good about. Doesn't make a lot of money but it provides modestly and I am HAPPY. I probably sound like a feminist on most days. But I really really want to see my daughter reach her goals and not ever depend on anyone but herself while still being able to obtain a meaningful relationship where she is equal and valued. At the same time - chivalry is not dead yet ... Enjoy it on your own two feet.

Quoting Birdseed:

I was JUST talking to my mom about this on the phone as I ran to the grocery--after reading that "fiance says he loves BM and i'm preggo" post.It really makes me wonder how we can prevent young ladies from getting into those sorts of situations.

Edit: This is way longer than I intended but I literally just had a 45 minute convo with Mom about it.

My mom worked at a women's shelter for awhile and we were talking about the culture that surrounds so many people and creates these young ladies who honest to God seem to think they're worthless if they don't have a dude--ANY dude it seems.  And violence? No worries.  That's fine too.  Complete disrespect? Also fine.  And not to mention the young boys/young men who grow up learning how to treat a woman based on how their mom was treated.

My mom told the story of a young woman with 5 boys.  She was only about 23/24 and was being kept captive by her husband in her home.  The way she got out of the house finally was she put a note in her preschool aged son's bookbag when she sent him to school saying "Please help me.".  She had been terribly abused.  While at the shelter, she took the boys out shopping or something.  Her 7YO son was in the backseat of the car and got upset that she wouldn't stop at McD's or something so he took off his jacket and tried to strangle his mother while she was driving.  When my mom sat this kid down and asked him why he did that his answer was "That's what my dad does." Mom (mine) talked to him about how that's not okay.  The woman went back to her husband when she couldn't find a way to get a good enough job to get a big enough apartment per the "rules" for her 5 kids.

My mom seems to think that a lot of these people just never have anyone teach them what is okay, what is reasonable, and what is not.  But I'm not sure.  I don't remember anyone telling me that it was wrong for my dad to beat the crap out of my mom, rip the phone out of the wall when I tried to call 911, etc.  But when it happened, I locked my brothers and I in my room, took the screen off the window, and we all snuck out and walked 3 miles to a neighbor.  I was only 11 or 12 at the time. I don't think anyone had had a "talk" with me. I just knew it was dead wrong.

On the flip side, I think that even if you're not entrenched in horrible conditions/situations, even those of us in the middle to upper class with no abuse or crisis seem to follow an unspoken checklist.  Most of my girlfriends in college got married right out of college. Most were divorced and remarried before I got married the first time.  Of my 30 sorority sisters who graduated in two years (smaller school) I was one of two not married by 25 and the only one not married by 30.  My own husband talks about the "momentum" of dating and marriage.  His own father pulled him aside on his wedding day trying to talk him out of it. He was fresh out of college. 

My mom was saying, "You have to make sure your SDs know they're valuable human beings and don't need a guy to be succcessful and wonderful."  Yeah...I have.  But they have pressure from their mom to get married.  To the point that SD16 reported that Mom told her if she can marry well, she doesn't need to worry about college.  WTF?

So in summary to the original question...I think that letting young gals become resourceful, problem solve, etc and encouraging education and indepence is a good thing.  Focus on smarts and competence, not looks, not boyfriends.  But ultimately, it has to come from within somewhere. I'm a people pleaser too Polka. But from somewhere inside, I always knew I wanted to be on my own and prove that I could do it all myself before I'd consider settling down. 

Kind of went on a tangent, eh?  Sorry.

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baparrot2
by Platinum Member on Apr. 24, 2014 at 11:08 AM
1 mom liked this

My daughter came out of my womb "needy". It's just who she is. Her natural makeup. I embrace it. I encourage her to be needy for the right things. We try to navigate through her ugly "needy" times because they are there for sure. It's just who she is. With her....I don't try to swim against the current, I try to hold her while we swim with the current.

She's 18 and still needy. But! Now she is picky....less likely to make stupid mistakes because of it. She now knows what she needs and is very determined to get what she wants and needs. I like that in her. I will likely not have to worry much about her and the future she picks because of it.

IndigoRose
by on Apr. 24, 2014 at 11:14 AM


Give your kids chores to do from an early age.  Make them work for their money.  Don't hand everything to them.  Teach them that Life doesn't owe them a living and nobody cares what happens to them as much as they themselves.  I never had a problem with this because I didn't have enough of everything to thoroughly spoil my kids, but then independence of mind and purpose runs in my family.

pdxmum
by Ruby Member on Apr. 24, 2014 at 11:22 AM

I don't even acknowledge or give voice to the word whine.  I say use your strong voice, I can't hear you.

As they have gotten older, occasionally they try being all cutesy and baby talk thinking it might work with me.  They say it works with dad.  I give them a look and they know what is coming next so they restart in their strong voice.  Now it is a well worn inside joke but effective.  DDs have strong voices.

Quoting Polkadotted:

From the time the kids were little our line was "I don't speak whine or cry" it worked so well.  Although SS still does it, but we send him to his bedroom when he gets like that.

Quoting Boobear110:

It's frustrating as all hell. 

I tell SD all the time you will not get a response from me unless you come to me and ask. Drives me nuts. 

Then I go through the whole spiel of is there any reason to cry about the dance bag? No then stop. 

Now she does her deep,breathing when she starts getting worked up. It's cute. She's trying at least 

Quoting AmericanDream: DD 6 is a crier. Everything brings on the tears. Today it was Oreos. She wanted more than the three I said she could have. So.... Tears were necessary. Yesterday she couldn't find her dance bag. She knew I'd cleaned out the car but instead of just asking if I'd put it somewhere... I hear her bawling from down the hall. *sigh*
Quoting Boobear110:

I had a very hard time with this with my SD. It's gotten better because we have been consistant with letting her try to deal with things. She is a crier. She gets frustrated. She cries. She doesn't know how to do something, she cries. She wants something and doesn't get it, she cries.

We just don't allow her to get away with it. She has come along way. It's not always easy.


pdxmum
by Ruby Member on Apr. 24, 2014 at 11:30 AM

Our daughters are so similar.

my thoughts about this is you raise them patiently.  You accept their neediness, support their neediness, give voice to it and then nudge them along to independance.

DD19 still has her moments.  Just about a month ago, I got one of those 2:00am crying phone calls because of a bad dream.  Took about an hour to help her get centered.  A part of me is rolling my eyes at her, but she'll never know.  She just knows I am always there for her.  That no matter what she has her safe spot.  

I was just talking to my boss (adopted single mom of special needs 22year old son who she has had since he was 2 who will probably never live on his own) about our kids and I said dd19 was "launching".  Meaning she still needs her mama but is figuring out she can do the big stuff on her own.  Living in an apartment, shopping and cooking for herself, recognizing the need for different friends and study partners, applying for and planning to be in Sweden for 9months next year knowing she might not see family the entire time.  

They grow up and with the base of attention and support they got, they launch.

Quoting baparrot2:

My daughter came out of my womb "needy". It's just who she is. Her natural makeup. I embrace it. I encourage her to be needy for the right things. We try to navigate through her ugly "needy" times because they are there for sure. It's just who she is. With her....I don't try to swim against the current, I try to hold her while we swim with the current.

She's 18 and still needy. But! Now she is picky....less likely to make stupid mistakes because of it. She now knows what she needs and is very determined to get what she wants and needs. I like that in her. I will likely not have to worry much about her and the future she picks because of it.


baparrot2
by Platinum Member on Apr. 24, 2014 at 12:05 PM

They really are so similar but so are me and you as mothers. I just can;t see the need to change her, to "fix" her. She is who she is and it is me as her mother to help her navigate life with what she has presented naturally to the world. Personally, I am the least needy person in this family. I find myself internally rolling my eyes at her also! But, I somehow realized long time ago what my job as "mother" REALLY means. And that is to have the humility to see that I dont NEED her to be a mini me in every way possible. Just embrace her for who she is. I did this with SS as well. It is why you will RARELY ever see me post about conflict with him.

Quoting pdxmum:

Our daughters are so similar.

my thoughts about this is you raise them patiently.  You accept their neediness, support their neediness, give voice to it and then nudge them along to independance.

DD19 still has her moments.  Just about a month ago, I got one of those 2:00am crying phone calls because of a bad dream.  Took about an hour to help her get centered.  A part of me is rolling my eyes at her, but she'll never know.  She just knows I am always there for her.  That no matter what she has her safe spot.  

I was just talking to my boss (adopted single mom of special needs 22year old son who she has had since he was 2 who will probably never live on his own) about our kids and I said dd19 was "launching".  Meaning she still needs her mama but is figuring out she can do the big stuff on her own.  Living in an apartment, shopping and cooking for herself, recognizing the need for different friends and study partners, applying for and planning to be in Sweden for 9months next year knowing she might not see family the entire time.  

They grow up and with the base of attention and support they got, they launch.

Quoting baparrot2:

My daughter came out of my womb "needy". It's just who she is. Her natural makeup. I embrace it. I encourage her to be needy for the right things. We try to navigate through her ugly "needy" times because they are there for sure. It's just who she is. With her....I don't try to swim against the current, I try to hold her while we swim with the current.

She's 18 and still needy. But! Now she is picky....less likely to make stupid mistakes because of it. She now knows what she needs and is very determined to get what she wants and needs. I like that in her. I will likely not have to worry much about her and the future she picks because of it.



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