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How do you raise girls that aren't needy?

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So what's the way to go?  Is it a problem because we solve their problems and artificically inflate their self esteem?  Is it just parents that aren't involved?  an attachment thing?


OSD is naturally a people pleaser.  I worry about her sometimes, but I don't think she's needy.  at least not to that level.

by on Apr. 23, 2014 at 8:22 PM
Replies (21-30):
Silent_Sea
by Gold Member on Apr. 24, 2014 at 12:06 PM
1 mom liked this

 I allowed my kids the opportunity to do things for themselves, mess up and fix it. LOL 

My kids from very young ages have made their own breakfast, lunch and dinners. They would climb up and get their own bowls, cups, etc.  I made them get up, get dressed and set a timer in the morning from when they were in preschool.

I think many parents do too much for their kids. They champion for them. These same parents are telling their kids they are so good at things when in reality is they aren't and haven't had to work hard at anything. Those kids never learn they can do things on their own or that they really are capable and with a lot of work can get good at something. This chips away at their self esteem because it becomes a false reality and they know it.

As a mom,  I told them when they screwed up, need to try harder and gave them ways to work through it on their own. It was their choice how they chose to go about making it better.  I don't coddle them and I am honest with them, that life is hard and they need to work through some things on their own.

I have honestly felt a bit guilty about some of this but I felt it was right for the long term. I don't want my kids to grow up thinking life is easy and everything will be handed to them.  They need to learn to be independent and know they can do things on their own. 

I think my girls are strong.  They have times they aren't though and that is okay too. I wish my youngest didn't view things so black and white but she won't tolerate a lot of nonsense. At the same time, she is my child who doesn't want to grow up and will try to live with us forever. She likes being with her family.  My oldest is also very independent and won't tolerate being mistreated but is very tolerant of people not being perfect. She went through a nurturing stage and seemed to collect a bunch of dysfunctional friends and even a boyfriend. But, as she matures I can see our influence has been good.

All kids have challenges. What is important is working with them and build up their strengths so their weaknesses don't become stronger than the strengths. :)

 

 

Polkadotted
by Gold Member on Apr. 24, 2014 at 12:18 PM
1 mom liked this

on top what I do similar to this. I also admit my mistakes and self talk through that for them.

Quoting Silent_Sea:

 I allowed my kids the opportunity to do things for themselves, mess up and fix it. LOL 

My kids from very young ages have made their own breakfast, lunch and dinners. They would climb up and get their own bowls, cups, etc.  I made them get up, get dressed and set a timer in the morning from when they were in preschool.

I think many parents do too much for their kids. They champion for them. These same parents are telling their kids they are so good at things when in reality is they aren't and haven't had to work hard at anything. Those kids never learn they can do things on their own or that they really are capable and with a lot of work can get good at something. This chips away at their self esteem because it becomes a false reality and they know it.

As a mom,  I told them when they screwed up, need to try harder and gave them ways to work through it on their own. It was their choice how they chose to go about making it better.  I don't coddle them and I am honest with them, that life is hard and they need to work through some things on their own.

I have honestly felt a bit guilty about some of this but I felt it was right for the long term. I don't want my kids to grow up thinking life is easy and everything will be handed to them.  They need to learn to be independent and know they can do things on their own. 

I think my girls are strong.  They have times they aren't though and that is okay too. I wish my youngest didn't view things so black and white but she won't tolerate a lot of nonsense. At the same time, she is my child who doesn't want to grow up and will try to live with us forever. She likes being with her family.  My oldest is also very independent and won't tolerate being mistreated but is very tolerant of people not being perfect. She went through a nurturing stage and seemed to collect a bunch of dysfunctional friends and even a boyfriend. But, as she matures I can see our influence has been good.

All kids have challenges. What is important is working with them and build up their strengths so their weaknesses don't become stronger than the strengths. :)

 

 


pdxmum
by Ruby Member on Apr. 24, 2014 at 1:52 PM
1 mom liked this
Need a love button.

Quoting baparrot2:

They really are so similar but so are me and you as mothers. I just can;t see the need to change her, to "fix" her. She is who she is and it is me as her mother to help her navigate life with what she has presented naturally to the world. Personally, I am the least needy person in this family. I find myself internally rolling my eyes at her also! But, I somehow realized long time ago what my job as "mother" REALLY means. And that is to have the humility to see that I dont NEED her to be a mini me in every way possible. Just embrace her for who she is. I did this with SS as well. It is why you will RARELY ever see me post about conflict with him.

Quoting pdxmum:

Our daughters are so similar.

my thoughts about this is you raise them patiently.  You accept their neediness, support their neediness, give voice to it and then nudge them along to independance.

DD19 still has her moments.  Just about a month ago, I got one of those 2:00am crying phone calls because of a bad dream.  Took about an hour to help her get centered.  A part of me is rolling my eyes at her, but she'll never know.  She just knows I am always there for her.  That no matter what she has her safe spot.  

I was just talking to my boss (adopted single mom of special needs 22year old son who she has had since he was 2 who will probably never live on his own) about our kids and I said dd19 was "launching".  Meaning she still needs her mama but is figuring out she can do the big stuff on her own.  Living in an apartment, shopping and cooking for herself, recognizing the need for different friends and study partners, applying for and planning to be in Sweden for 9months next year knowing she might not see family the entire time.  

They grow up and with the base of attention and support they got, they launch.

Quoting baparrot2:

My daughter came out of my womb "needy". It's just who she is. Her natural makeup. I embrace it. I encourage her to be needy for the right things. We try to navigate through her ugly "needy" times because they are there for sure. It's just who she is. With her....I don't try to swim against the current, I try to hold her while we swim with the current.

She's 18 and still needy. But! Now she is picky....less likely to make stupid mistakes because of it. She now knows what she needs and is very determined to get what she wants and needs. I like that in her. I will likely not have to worry much about her and the future she picks because of it.

HopesNDreams
by Silver Member on Apr. 24, 2014 at 8:17 PM
2 moms liked this
What will make the difference between 'needy and high maintenance' and 'needy and victim' is that both of you have embraced who your daughters are as people and loved them for it. You've rolled your eyes when it is warranted, so they are not terribly over the top and unbearable to the world and hugged them closed when their sensitive nature needed a bit more. What wonderful lessons to teach!

This helps them to surround themselves with people who will only tolerate so much of their antics because only so much was tolerated in their lives. This helps them to find people who nurture and love whole heartedly. They will naturally seek people who give more because they need people who have more to give. You have set the bar high for them.

Not every child is made to be the strong leader in the crowd - can you imagine how unbearable the world would be???? 'Needy' does not have do be a bad trait. It is how we respond to that neediness and, in turn, how we train our child to expect others to treat them that matters.



Quoting baparrot2:

They really are so similar but so are me and you as mothers. I just can;t see the need to change her, to "fix" her. She is who she is and it is me as her mother to help her navigate life with what she has presented naturally to the world. Personally, I am the least needy person in this family. I find myself internally rolling my eyes at her also! But, I somehow realized long time ago what my job as "mother" REALLY means. And that is to have the humility to see that I dont NEED her to be a mini me in every way possible. Just embrace her for who she is. I did this with SS as well. It is why you will RARELY ever see me post about conflict with him.

Quoting pdxmum:

Our daughters are so similar.

my thoughts about this is you raise them patiently.  You accept their neediness, support their neediness, give voice to it and then nudge them along to independance.

DD19 still has her moments.  Just about a month ago, I got one of those 2:00am crying phone calls because of a bad dream.  Took about an hour to help her get centered.  A part of me is rolling my eyes at her, but she'll never know.  She just knows I am always there for her.  That no matter what she has her safe spot.  

I was just talking to my boss (adopted single mom of special needs 22year old son who she has had since he was 2 who will probably never live on his own) about our kids and I said dd19 was "launching".  Meaning she still needs her mama but is figuring out she can do the big stuff on her own.  Living in an apartment, shopping and cooking for herself, recognizing the need for different friends and study partners, applying for and planning to be in Sweden for 9months next year knowing she might not see family the entire time.  

They grow up and with the base of attention and support they got, they launch.

Quoting baparrot2:

My daughter came out of my womb "needy". It's just who she is. Her natural makeup. I embrace it. I encourage her to be needy for the right things. We try to navigate through her ugly "needy" times because they are there for sure. It's just who she is. With her....I don't try to swim against the current, I try to hold her while we swim with the current.

She's 18 and still needy. But! Now she is picky....less likely to make stupid mistakes because of it. She now knows what she needs and is very determined to get what she wants and needs. I like that in her. I will likely not have to worry much about her and the future she picks because of it.

MunchiesMom324
by on Apr. 24, 2014 at 8:31 PM
I could use some of this for my drama queen ds...thank you ladies!
baparrot2
by Platinum Member on Apr. 24, 2014 at 9:29 PM
2 moms liked this

double love this reply!

Quoting HopesNDreams: What will make the difference between 'needy and high maintenance' and 'needy and victim' is that both of you have embraced who your daughters are as people and loved them for it. You've rolled your eyes when it is warranted, so they are not terribly over the top and unbearable to the world and hugged them closed when their sensitive nature needed a bit more. What wonderful lessons to teach! This helps them to surround themselves with people who will only tolerate so much of their antics because only so much was tolerated in their lives. This helps them to find people who nurture and love whole heartedly. They will naturally seek people who give more because they need people who have more to give. You have set the bar high for them. Not every child is made to be the strong leader in the crowd - can you imagine how unbearable the world would be???? 'Needy' does not have do be a bad trait. It is how we respond to that neediness and, in turn, how we train our child to expect others to treat them that matters.
Quoting baparrot2:

They really are so similar but so are me and you as mothers. I just can;t see the need to change her, to "fix" her. She is who she is and it is me as her mother to help her navigate life with what she has presented naturally to the world. Personally, I am the least needy person in this family. I find myself internally rolling my eyes at her also! But, I somehow realized long time ago what my job as "mother" REALLY means. And that is to have the humility to see that I dont NEED her to be a mini me in every way possible. Just embrace her for who she is. I did this with SS as well. It is why you will RARELY ever see me post about conflict with him.

Quoting pdxmum:

Our daughters are so similar.

my thoughts about this is you raise them patiently.  You accept their neediness, support their neediness, give voice to it and then nudge them along to independance.

DD19 still has her moments.  Just about a month ago, I got one of those 2:00am crying phone calls because of a bad dream.  Took about an hour to help her get centered.  A part of me is rolling my eyes at her, but she'll never know.  She just knows I am always there for her.  That no matter what she has her safe spot.  

I was just talking to my boss (adopted single mom of special needs 22year old son who she has had since he was 2 who will probably never live on his own) about our kids and I said dd19 was "launching".  Meaning she still needs her mama but is figuring out she can do the big stuff on her own.  Living in an apartment, shopping and cooking for herself, recognizing the need for different friends and study partners, applying for and planning to be in Sweden for 9months next year knowing she might not see family the entire time.  

They grow up and with the base of attention and support they got, they launch.

Quoting baparrot2:

My daughter came out of my womb "needy". It's just who she is. Her natural makeup. I embrace it. I encourage her to be needy for the right things. We try to navigate through her ugly "needy" times because they are there for sure. It's just who she is. With her....I don't try to swim against the current, I try to hold her while we swim with the current.

She's 18 and still needy. But! Now she is picky....less likely to make stupid mistakes because of it. She now knows what she needs and is very determined to get what she wants and needs. I like that in her. I will likely not have to worry much about her and the future she picks because of it.



pdxmum
by Ruby Member on Apr. 24, 2014 at 9:46 PM
1 mom liked this

Getting teary.  Need the love button.

Quoting HopesNDreams: What will make the difference between 'needy and high maintenance' and 'needy and victim' is that both of you have embraced who your daughters are as people and loved them for it. You've rolled your eyes when it is warranted, so they are not terribly over the top and unbearable to the world and hugged them closed when their sensitive nature needed a bit more. What wonderful lessons to teach! This helps them to surround themselves with people who will only tolerate so much of their antics because only so much was tolerated in their lives. This helps them to find people who nurture and love whole heartedly. They will naturally seek people who give more because they need people who have more to give. You have set the bar high for them. Not every child is made to be the strong leader in the crowd - can you imagine how unbearable the world would be???? 'Needy' does not have do be a bad trait. It is how we respond to that neediness and, in turn, how we train our child to expect others to treat them that matters.
Quoting baparrot2:

They really are so similar but so are me and you as mothers. I just can;t see the need to change her, to "fix" her. She is who she is and it is me as her mother to help her navigate life with what she has presented naturally to the world. Personally, I am the least needy person in this family. I find myself internally rolling my eyes at her also! But, I somehow realized long time ago what my job as "mother" REALLY means. And that is to have the humility to see that I dont NEED her to be a mini me in every way possible. Just embrace her for who she is. I did this with SS as well. It is why you will RARELY ever see me post about conflict with him.

Quoting pdxmum:

Our daughters are so similar.

my thoughts about this is you raise them patiently.  You accept their neediness, support their neediness, give voice to it and then nudge them along to independance.

DD19 still has her moments.  Just about a month ago, I got one of those 2:00am crying phone calls because of a bad dream.  Took about an hour to help her get centered.  A part of me is rolling my eyes at her, but she'll never know.  She just knows I am always there for her.  That no matter what she has her safe spot.  

I was just talking to my boss (adopted single mom of special needs 22year old son who she has had since he was 2 who will probably never live on his own) about our kids and I said dd19 was "launching".  Meaning she still needs her mama but is figuring out she can do the big stuff on her own.  Living in an apartment, shopping and cooking for herself, recognizing the need for different friends and study partners, applying for and planning to be in Sweden for 9months next year knowing she might not see family the entire time.  

They grow up and with the base of attention and support they got, they launch.

Quoting baparrot2:

My daughter came out of my womb "needy". It's just who she is. Her natural makeup. I embrace it. I encourage her to be needy for the right things. We try to navigate through her ugly "needy" times because they are there for sure. It's just who she is. With her....I don't try to swim against the current, I try to hold her while we swim with the current.

She's 18 and still needy. But! Now she is picky....less likely to make stupid mistakes because of it. She now knows what she needs and is very determined to get what she wants and needs. I like that in her. I will likely not have to worry much about her and the future she picks because of it.



chanizen
by Platinum Member on Apr. 25, 2014 at 7:37 AM
1 mom liked this
How to make them not needy?

Don't respond to whine or cry (I say something similar, I like that). Give them responsibilities and expect them to meet them. Don't do for.... When you can teach how.

Emphasize their role in things. I don't know how many times dd had heard "it is your responsibility to help me keep you safe".

Don't shelter. Explain. Dd saw the story of those girls trapped in a home in Cleveland. It was a huge discussion. "This is why I don't let you go out alone. And why you cannot roam the mall. And why I am home to see you home. I expect you not to pull that stuff behind my back. I expect you to tell me where you are and with whom".

Dd saw a gal yakking up her brains at a college homecoming game.... Conversation: see that guy she is with who is helping her? We can only hope he is a friend. That he is not taking advantage. That, right there, is a good way to get raped or dead. NEVER get that drunk when you are in public. It is your responsibility to be safe, NEVER take a drink from a stranger unless you saw it poured.... This is what a MIckey is..."

And I don't rescue. Make a problem? I will help you with YOUR plan to fix it. I love dd, but I will not fix FOR her. I WILL hold her when she cries. I will help her make a better plan when asked. I've built trust with her over the years.

We talk about careers and lifestyle. She is 13, no, I don't expect her to choose now. I expect her to understand that, for example, being a doctor requires long hours. Being a hairdresser comes with limited benefits. Being an astronaut requires years of school. Being a construction worker may involve danger.

These "how to". And "take responsibility"
conversations are weekly events. Her responsibilities are HERS not mine. If she needs something, she better make a good plan to get it. One that involves expressing herself clearly and in advance.

Expose the kids to responsible and successful people. Be responsible and talk to them about how...
LyndaLoo78
by Skeletor on Apr. 25, 2014 at 9:25 AM

Honestly, by example.  I have two girls, they have watched me never settle, be independent and assertive, and not dependent on anyone.  

Now DF and I model a supportive, lovong relationship in which we lift each other up and praise the strengths of the other.  

My kids have never seen me be "needy" in fact they are well aware that I don't really NEED anyone and as a result, neither do they.  The kids are all very independent.

tennis4lissa
by on Apr. 25, 2014 at 9:31 AM

I am a huge people pleaser, always have been.  I love to make people happy and do what i can to do so.  But I am in no way needy.  I think those things are very different.  I have two daughters and I will continue not to coddle them.  I don't think it does them any good (and not ust girls, boys also) to do everything for them.  Mydh's step sister is 16 and she cant do anything for herslef, shes an onlychild and her mom did everythig for her.  Its terrible to see her and that she cant do the simplest things for herself.  Or will ask for help...I couldnt even imagine asking my mom for help with this stuff, and its the first thing that comes to mind.  Mom can you...is her go to phrase

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