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How do you raise girls that aren't needy?

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So what's the way to go?  Is it a problem because we solve their problems and artificically inflate their self esteem?  Is it just parents that aren't involved?  an attachment thing?


OSD is naturally a people pleaser.  I worry about her sometimes, but I don't think she's needy.  at least not to that level.

by on Apr. 23, 2014 at 8:22 PM
Replies (31-40):
Sept-babies2
by Ashley on Apr. 25, 2014 at 9:33 AM
My sd can be like this. Shes an only child at bms house and here dh has always done sruff for her instead of let her. If I didnt have kids I wouldnt realize it..my dd is two and sd is 5 and dd can put on coats, shoes, and do a lot on her own. Sd wont even try...she also cries anytime she cant. I refuse to help her do simple things kike getting dressed. Not because I dont want to but if my dd can do it..she can too. She has gotten better. She still cries over stuff though like if dd puts sd's shoes on..or anything of hers. Sd doesn't share and dh made it worse by letting her never share. I know he feels guilt but he isn't doing any good by doing everything for her. Also letting her get her way with everyrhing. See sd is a lot better with just me..I can see a big difference when she is with bm too. She is very demanding and wont listen. with me shes a good kid..I think she kniws what she can get away with with each parent.
I also think some kids have that personality.
TJandKarasMom
by Bronze Member on Apr. 25, 2014 at 9:53 AM
My sd10 is super needy. And clingy. And dramatic. I think part of it is her age, but a big part is also some abandonment issues. Her mom moved away when she was 6 and now has not seen or spoken to her in over two years. I've been in her life since she was a baby so she calls me mom and I basically am her mom, the best one she has anyway.

I don't know what to do with her a lot. She can be independent, like when my DS leaves overnight she can play by herself and entertain herself. But if he's here, she is constantly fighting with him if it's just the three of us home, I think to get my attention. I try to give her one on one time but then she is a snot as soon as it ends. She has started to try to come between me and DH, which has been interesting. Luckily, we just treat our family as nuclear for the most part so DH is on my "side" since we see ourselves as a team or just one parental unit.

I try to encourage her to problem solve, but her go to technique is throwing a tantrum, screaming, crying, yelling/being angry at everyone around her, etc. she is getting very disrespectful, rolling her eyes, refusing to do things required of her, talking back. I do think it's partly the age and crazy hormones...but I'm not sure how best to handle it. I don't think I'm great at handling it honestly. I'm just trying to figure it out as I go.
mrs.hartman12
by on Apr. 25, 2014 at 9:57 AM
2 moms liked this
Live by example. I married a strong man who treats my right. My daughters will have high standards because of it. We also teach self reliance and allowe our kids to succeed and fail. In our house there are winners and losers. Thats the real world. Plus we are realist and don't teach that the world is full of rainbows and unicorns. Life is tough, you work for what you want, and no one is handing it to you on a silver platter.
Polkadotted
by Gold Member on Apr. 25, 2014 at 10:02 AM

I think it is the attachment/abandonment issues that make me worry about OSD.

Quoting Sept-babies2: My sd can be like this. Shes an only child at bms house and here dh has always done sruff for her instead of let her. If I didnt have kids I wouldnt realize it..my dd is two and sd is 5 and dd can put on coats, shoes, and do a lot on her own. Sd wont even try...she also cries anytime she cant. I refuse to help her do simple things kike getting dressed. Not because I dont want to but if my dd can do it..she can too. She has gotten better. She still cries over stuff though like if dd puts sd's shoes on..or anything of hers. Sd doesn't share and dh made it worse by letting her never share. I know he feels guilt but he isn't doing any good by doing everything for her. Also letting her get her way with everyrhing. See sd is a lot better with just me..I can see a big difference when she is with bm too. She is very demanding and wont listen. with me shes a good kid..I think she kniws what she can get away with with each parent. I also think some kids have that personality.


Purgatorian
by Member on Apr. 25, 2014 at 10:12 AM

With my daughter and youngest step daughter (the one I had the longest) it's always been about consistently speaking to them about self empowerment, self ownership, education, employment, not getting tied down to a man until their lives are underway with their own career. I have to admit I am pretty brutal at times with them about sucking it up on their own or putting on their big girl panties.

I teach them from an early age that real life is hard.  You have to work at it. No one will do it for you and that there are consequences to their actions that they will have to deal with all on their own.

Hopefully they learn about from me by just watching how I deal with my own dilemmas.  I have strategies for dealing with stress I share with them.  I wallow for a few minutes (15 usually I set a timer)  and entertain every woe is me thought, then I dry my face and brainstorm how to fix whatever the problem is. 

The youngest SD has taken up many of my traits and my youngest daughter has as well.  The oldest SD is a crier and blames everything bad in her life on someone else.  The youngest two shake their heads and suck it up and move forward.

I really think it's all about the years of drilling it into their heads in one form or another to;

Take care of yourself

Own your shit

Complete yourself and make yourself happy before worrying about friends or boyfriends.

All in all be your own person and rely on the one person in your life who you can always trust and will always be there for you...

YOU.

jazzgirl205
by on Apr. 25, 2014 at 10:31 AM

Puffing her up with self esteem is not the answer.  Then she'll be looking to get approval from others as well.  I suggest individual physical activity.  Take her hiking, camping, kayaking.  Teach her to throw an axe or shoot a rifle.  Knowing how to set up a tent or start a campfire can do wonders for independance.  So can learning to navigate a class 3 rapid.  A girl who can hunt, dress, and cook a turkey in the woods as well as play Mozart on the piano is not needy of the approval of others.  For some reason, team sports does not accomplish this.  Outdoor activities seem to give children a strong independant streak.  A child also needs to go off on their own and explore their world.  Helicopter parenting does nothing to raise exceptional adults.  Give her freedom, experience and intelligence.

alexsmomma06
by on Apr. 25, 2014 at 10:55 AM

I do not baby my kids. If they are being annoying, I tell them. I tell them to deal with life. We have told them that in life you will find very few people who you can rely on but in the end you have to be happy and content with yourself.

cali_gurl
by on Apr. 25, 2014 at 11:00 AM

 Great post. I read all of it.

Quoting Birdseed:

I was JUST talking to my mom about this on the phone as I ran to the grocery--after reading that "fiance says he loves BM and i'm preggo" post.It really makes me wonder how we can prevent young ladies from getting into those sorts of situations.

Edit: This is way longer than I intended but I literally just had a 45 minute convo with Mom about it.

My mom worked at a women's shelter for awhile and we were talking about the culture that surrounds so many people and creates these young ladies who honest to God seem to think they're worthless if they don't have a dude--ANY dude it seems.  And violence? No worries.  That's fine too.  Complete disrespect? Also fine.  And not to mention the young boys/young men who grow up learning how to treat a woman based on how their mom was treated.

My mom told the story of a young woman with 5 boys.  She was only about 23/24 and was being kept captive by her husband in her home.  The way she got out of the house finally was she put a note in her preschool aged son's bookbag when she sent him to school saying "Please help me.".  She had been terribly abused.  While at the shelter, she took the boys out shopping or something.  Her 7YO son was in the backseat of the car and got upset that she wouldn't stop at McD's or something so he took off his jacket and tried to strangle his mother while she was driving.  When my mom sat this kid down and asked him why he did that his answer was "That's what my dad does." Mom (mine) talked to him about how that's not okay.  The woman went back to her husband when she couldn't find a way to get a good enough job to get a big enough apartment per the "rules" for her 5 kids.

My mom seems to think that a lot of these people just never have anyone teach them what is okay, what is reasonable, and what is not.  But I'm not sure.  I don't remember anyone telling me that it was wrong for my dad to beat the crap out of my mom, rip the phone out of the wall when I tried to call 911, etc.  But when it happened, I locked my brothers and I in my room, took the screen off the window, and we all snuck out and walked 3 miles to a neighbor.  I was only 11 or 12 at the time. I don't think anyone had had a "talk" with me. I just knew it was dead wrong.

On the flip side, I think that even if you're not entrenched in horrible conditions/situations, even those of us in the middle to upper class with no abuse or crisis seem to follow an unspoken checklist.  Most of my girlfriends in college got married right out of college. Most were divorced and remarried before I got married the first time.  Of my 30 sorority sisters who graduated in two years (smaller school) I was one of two not married by 25 and the only one not married by 30.  My own husband talks about the "momentum" of dating and marriage.  His own father pulled him aside on his wedding day trying to talk him out of it. He was fresh out of college. 

My mom was saying, "You have to make sure your SDs know they're valuable human beings and don't need a guy to be succcessful and wonderful."  Yeah...I have.  But they have pressure from their mom to get married.  To the point that SD16 reported that Mom told her if she can marry well, she doesn't need to worry about college.  WTF?

So in summary to the original question...I think that letting young gals become resourceful, problem solve, etc and encouraging education and indepence is a good thing.  Focus on smarts and competence, not looks, not boyfriends.  But ultimately, it has to come from within somewhere. I'm a people pleaser too Polka. But from somewhere inside, I always knew I wanted to be on my own and prove that I could do it all myself before I'd consider settling down. 

Kind of went on a tangent, eh?  Sorry.

 

 

MissTuree
by on Apr. 25, 2014 at 11:14 AM
This was worth the length. Thank you.

Quoting Birdseed:

I was JUST talking to my mom about this on the phone as I ran to the grocery--after reading that "fiance says he loves BM and i'm preggo" post.It really makes me wonder how we can prevent young ladies from getting into those sorts of situations.

Edit: This is way longer than I intended but I literally just had a 45 minute convo with Mom about it.

My mom worked at a women's shelter for awhile and we were talking about the culture that surrounds so many people and creates these young ladies who honest to God seem to think they're worthless if they don't have a dude--ANY dude it seems.  And violence? No worries.  That's fine too.  Complete disrespect? Also fine.  And not to mention the young boys/young men who grow up learning how to treat a woman based on how their mom was treated.

My mom told the story of a young woman with 5 boys.  She was only about 23/24 and was being kept captive by her husband in her home.  The way she got out of the house finally was she put a note in her preschool aged son's bookbag when she sent him to school saying "Please help me.".  She had been terribly abused.  While at the shelter, she took the boys out shopping or something.  Her 7YO son was in the backseat of the car and got upset that she wouldn't stop at McD's or something so he took off his jacket and tried to strangle his mother while she was driving.  When my mom sat this kid down and asked him why he did that his answer was "That's what my dad does." Mom (mine) talked to him about how that's not okay.  The woman went back to her husband when she couldn't find a way to get a good enough job to get a big enough apartment per the "rules" for her 5 kids.

My mom seems to think that a lot of these people just never have anyone teach them what is okay, what is reasonable, and what is not.  But I'm not sure.  I don't remember anyone telling me that it was wrong for my dad to beat the crap out of my mom, rip the phone out of the wall when I tried to call 911, etc.  But when it happened, I locked my brothers and I in my room, took the screen off the window, and we all snuck out and walked 3 miles to a neighbor.  I was only 11 or 12 at the time. I don't think anyone had had a "talk" with me. I just knew it was dead wrong.

On the flip side, I think that even if you're not entrenched in horrible conditions/situations, even those of us in the middle to upper class with no abuse or crisis seem to follow an unspoken checklist.  Most of my girlfriends in college got married right out of college. Most were divorced and remarried before I got married the first time.  Of my 30 sorority sisters who graduated in two years (smaller school) I was one of two not married by 25 and the only one not married by 30.  My own husband talks about the "momentum" of dating and marriage.  His own father pulled him aside on his wedding day trying to talk him out of it. He was fresh out of college. 

My mom was saying, "You have to make sure your SDs know they're valuable human beings and don't need a guy to be succcessful and wonderful."  Yeah...I have.  But they have pressure from their mom to get married.  To the point that SD16 reported that Mom told her if she can marry well, she doesn't need to worry about college.  WTF?

So in summary to the original question...I think that letting young gals become resourceful, problem solve, etc and encouraging education and indepence is a good thing.  Focus on smarts and competence, not looks, not boyfriends.  But ultimately, it has to come from within somewhere. I'm a people pleaser too Polka. But from somewhere inside, I always knew I wanted to be on my own and prove that I could do it all myself before I'd consider settling down. 

Kind of went on a tangent, eh?  Sorry.

stepdiva
by Silver Member on Apr. 25, 2014 at 12:03 PM
Wow. Thought provoking post. Excellent! I was like you and never wanted to be dependent on a man, after I divorced my ex who was abusive to put it mildly. I was the poster child for an abused woman. My dad , who was a very decent man, and loved me and my sibling beyond words, died when I was 20. I mention that because I have heard that a girl learns from her father about relationships, just by the way he treats his child. Kwim? I have wondered if I would have made certain choices I made if I had my dad as an adult in my life. I am pretty sure he would have stepped in and questioned my decisions. And probably even would have told me to rethink them. Whereas my mom stayed out of it all sort of. She had my back but not like my dad would have. She was more about maintaining the status quo. Those things said , I look at my 22 year old sd who is the exact opposite of (for example) the girl who is pregnant by the guy who loves someone else more than her. My sd has been the prize of both her parents. Her daddy thinks she hung the moon. And that is a very good thing to a point. For the purpose of this post it is very good....she is so self assured and she has very definite standards for the men she involved herself with because her dad taught her that, and not by really saying anything He has treasured and respected and honored her. I thin that is as it should be. She is spoiled rotten, but she's not involving herself in destructive relationships. It's a trade off and I have decided that it's worth the trade off to have her be independent and strong with these and to know that she is enough. Moms can't do that or rather be that example except by their own actions. . I think. I'm just thinking right now, you've opened a huge can of retrospection for me. :). My sd has friends who have kids, they aren't married and she has seen that side of life and wants no part of it. Her parents' matiusge ended in divorce but she maintains her standards. And I think she feels protected and safe, even though she lives independently etc.
In my case, parents parent based on what's going on at the time, I think. My dad would have had no reason to tell me about abusive spouses. He never touched me, and he was very respectful of my mother and of me. Had he been alive at the time I was going through this abusive marriage, I think he would have intervened and seen to it that if got handled appropriately, like getting me out and dealt with it all legally etc etc. He was a big part of our lives , attending all school and extracurricular activities. The point of this is I think dads have a huge responsibility in this part if their daughter 'a lives. I wonder almost every day how I got into an abusive marriage, not once but twice. My DH is emotionally anusive and had been for years. I was in total denial for many years because I was positive that my first anusive spouse was my last. My DH has NEVER let his kids see that side of him with me. When they are around he's meek and mild which for the sake of the kids is okay. I wouldn't want my sd to know her dad is in fact a prick. To his credit he has NEVER been abusive with sd. Again she has been the very best part of who he is in life ! Plus she knows it.
What I am trying to say is I think daddy's have a huge responsibility in helping form their daughters idea of what relationships with men are supposed to be.
Thanks for listening or reading this. It's so very long and not especially well thought out.

Quoting Birdseed:

I was JUST talking to my mom about this on the phone as I ran to the grocery--after reading that "fiance says he loves BM and i'm preggo" post.It really makes me wonder how we can prevent young ladies from getting into those sorts of situations.

Edit: This is way longer than I intended but I literally just had a 45 minute convo with Mom about it.

My mom worked at a women's shelter for awhile and we were talking about the culture that surrounds so many people and creates these young ladies who honest to God seem to think they're worthless if they don't have a dude--ANY dude it seems.  And violence? No worries.  That's fine too.  Complete disrespect? Also fine.  And not to mention the young boys/young men who grow up learning how to treat a woman based on how their mom was treated.

My mom told the story of a young woman with 5 boys.  She was only about 23/24 and was being kept captive by her husband in her home.  The way she got out of the house finally was she put a note in her preschool aged son's bookbag when she sent him to school saying "Please help me.".  She had been terribly abused.  While at the shelter, she took the boys out shopping or something.  Her 7YO son was in the backseat of the car and got upset that she wouldn't stop at McD's or something so he took off his jacket and tried to strangle his mother while she was driving.  When my mom sat this kid down and asked him why he did that his answer was "That's what my dad does." Mom (mine) talked to him about how that's not okay.  The woman went back to her husband when she couldn't find a way to get a good enough job to get a big enough apartment per the "rules" for her 5 kids.

My mom seems to think that a lot of these people just never have anyone teach them what is okay, what is reasonable, and what is not.  But I'm not sure.  I don't remember anyone telling me that it was wrong for my dad to beat the crap out of my mom, rip the phone out of the wall when I tried to call 911, etc.  But when it happened, I locked my brothers and I in my room, took the screen off the window, and we all snuck out and walked 3 miles to a neighbor.  I was only 11 or 12 at the time. I don't think anyone had had a "talk" with me. I just knew it was dead wrong.

On the flip side, I think that even if you're not entrenched in horrible conditions/situations, even those of us in the middle to upper class with no abuse or crisis seem to follow an unspoken checklist.  Most of my girlfriends in college got married right out of college. Most were divorced and remarried before I got married the first time.  Of my 30 sorority sisters who graduated in two years (smaller school) I was one of two not married by 25 and the only one not married by 30.  My own husband talks about the "momentum" of dating and marriage.  His own father pulled him aside on his wedding day trying to talk him out of it. He was fresh out of college. 

My mom was saying, "You have to make sure your SDs know they're valuable human beings and don't need a guy to be succcessful and wonderful."  Yeah...I have.  But they have pressure from their mom to get married.  To the point that SD16 reported that Mom told her if she can marry well, she doesn't need to worry about college.  WTF?

So in summary to the original question...I think that letting young gals become resourceful, problem solve, etc and encouraging education and indepence is a good thing.  Focus on smarts and competence, not looks, not boyfriends.  But ultimately, it has to come from within somewhere. I'm a people pleaser too Polka. But from somewhere inside, I always knew I wanted to be on my own and prove that I could do it all myself before I'd consider settling down. 

Kind of went on a tangent, eh?  Sorry.

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