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How many of you that give that "advice" have actually ever been? 

It isn't cheap, it isn't easy, and most don't want to go.

And if the advice is given to a SM whining about what mom isnt  doing while her husband isn't doing those things being whined about either, he isn't going to win. 

by on Apr. 24, 2014 at 3:39 PM
Replies (31-40):
pdxmum
by Ruby Member on Apr. 24, 2014 at 6:38 PM

Honestkly, if her reply had been on a different post, I never would have said anything or even noticed.  But the whole point of this post was asking why people who have never been through family court so quickly advise others to do so.

And many of us gave examples of how damaging court can be and that it should remain a last resort. 

BM in your situation could very easily have someone in her life with no experience in family court pushing her to go to court.  Wouldn't it be great for everyone, including you skid, if BM got different advice?


And trust me, there was no attacking going on.

Quoting SM36477:

 I think her comment was perfectly reasonable.  She didn't say, yep, you should totally go to court.  She said that if it is important enough to you, then yes, you should take it to court.  What's important to you might not be important to her and vice versa.  Why are you attacking someone over what is an extremely logical response?

Example:  BM doesn't want us to take SS to Disney, so she is taking us to court.  DH and I would never take her to court because she wanted to take SS to Disneym, BM apparently finds it important enough to warrant a court appearance.  It's all about perspective and what's important to each person.

Quoting pdxmum:

Since you have never been to court, why are giving advice about something that you know nothing about?  In a post about how difficult going to court can be?

Did you read the post or any of the responses?

Quoting melyndaann:

No, we have not.  Luckily everyone in our situation (BM, her boyfriend, DH, and I) are very good at co-parenting and working together.  We've never had a disagreement that couldn't be solved between the four of us.  We all prefer it this way.

If it ever came to a point where our cooperation ceased, DH and I would not hesitate to go to court.  We've already made that decision together.  I really hope it doesn't and at this point we never see it going there.  It's good to be on the same page in case though.

Quoting pdxmum:

Have you been to court?

Quoting melyndaann:

If you think it's court worthy, then it is...Plain and simple.

Quoting Singlemama52: What about if you have a toddler who is in intensive therapy due to being delayed from prematurity.. And the therapy can place the toddler on hold, but his place will not be there when he gets back from dads 30 day visitation. The dad doesn't check in with CP nor therapist regarding how the child is doing and if the child is progressing. The father refuses to acknowledge the child may need some help and thinks his 30 day visitation is more important, and the CP has sent the evaluation the child had to NCP. CP offered to split the 30 days of summer up to one week a month starting from May to August but NCP won't agree. Is that court worthy? NCP is far away too and would not be able to take the child to therapy.
Quoting packermom4ever:

I've been to court. One time only. My ex wanted it and it backfired on him. I didn't want to go. It took about 6 months from beginning to end and thousands of dollars. 

And now here we are not following it and he isn't even around to follow it. It was a waste of time and money and I do what I want anyway.





 


PumpkinSpice8
by Silver Member on Apr. 24, 2014 at 6:39 PM
2 moms liked this
I've been to court. Uh.

Court is great to establish a CO.

It's great for contempt when issues start happening and show a pattern of not stopping after other avenues have been explored.

It's not great for a stepparent deciding to push a NCP who clearly didn't give a rats ass what the CP was doing/not doing and didn't do them self or fix the problem on their own for SEVEN YEARS.
whatIknownow
by Ruby Member on Apr. 24, 2014 at 6:39 PM

Dumbest. Advice. Ever.

pdxmum
by Ruby Member on Apr. 24, 2014 at 6:43 PM
1 mom liked this

You see, that response is helpful.

The only thing we can do is assume around here.  So when you give a deeper background, and you validate how difficult court can be and that it should be a last resort, you are helpful.

Telling someone if they feel it is the best they should do it it is not helpful.

I wasn't attacking.  I was asking.  And yes, I read replies.  I wasn't answering or asking other posters, I was asking you.  Because I felt your flippant, simple answer was the worst kind of advice we often see on this board.

Which was the point of the post.


Quoting melyndaann:

I work for my State's Department of Social Services.  So I see many OTHER people's cases and their decision to go to court.  I see it benefit MANY people.  So maybe you shouldn't assume that just because someone hasn't done something, they don't know about it.

I DID read the replies, I did see the negatives, did YOU see some of the positives?

I don't understand why you would try to discourage someone from trying to get the help they feel they need in a situation where there might not be another option.   

Do I agree that it's the last resort? Yes, 100%.  I tell this to clients daily.  Do I agree that it's not right for every situation? Yes.  That's why I said: "If you think it's court worthy then it is..."Like I said, if DH and I ever felt we needed to go to court, I would never hesitate. 

I'm sorry some people had a bad experiences with court, I'm not trying to take that away from you if that's what you think.  I just want those people who now see this post and are afraid to go to court, to know that it's okay to need it and to do it.  It won't ALWAYS end up badly.

Quoting pdxmum:

Since you have never been to court, why are giving advice about something that you know nothing about?  In a post about how difficult going to court can be?

Did you read the post or any of the responses?

Quoting melyndaann:

No, we have not.  Luckily everyone in our situation (BM, her boyfriend, DH, and I) are very good at co-parenting and working together.  We've never had a disagreement that couldn't be solved between the four of us.  We all prefer it this way.

If it ever came to a point where our cooperation ceased, DH and I would not hesitate to go to court.  We've already made that decision together.  I really hope it doesn't and at this point we never see it going there.  It's good to be on the same page in case though.

Quoting pdxmum:

Have you been to court?

Quoting melyndaann:

If you think it's court worthy, then it is...Plain and simple.

Quoting Singlemama52: What about if you have a toddler who is in intensive therapy due to being delayed from prematurity.. And the therapy can place the toddler on hold, but his place will not be there when he gets back from dads 30 day visitation. The dad doesn't check in with CP nor therapist regarding how the child is doing and if the child is progressing. The father refuses to acknowledge the child may need some help and thinks his 30 day visitation is more important, and the CP has sent the evaluation the child had to NCP. CP offered to split the 30 days of summer up to one week a month starting from May to August but NCP won't agree. Is that court worthy? NCP is far away too and would not be able to take the child to therapy. Quoting packermom4ever:

I've been to court. One time only. My ex wanted it and it backfired on him. I didn't want to go. It took about 6 months from beginning to end and thousands of dollars. 

And now here we are not following it and he isn't even around to follow it. It was a waste of time and money and I do what I want anyway.







SM36477
by Bronze Member on Apr. 24, 2014 at 6:47 PM

 We have been through family court so many times that I have literally lost count, only once has it been instigated on our end.  With that said, I agree with her advice.  The one time we (I say we because I am listed in CO) filed was because BM was failing to stick to the CO.  This was important enough to go to court over for us.  90% of the things BM has dragged us to court for, in my opinion, are not worth it. 

There are good reasons and bad reasons to go to court, but every reason is subject and should be up to the person.  It's not for you to decide that no one should go to court because you think it's  not worth it. 

BM is not going to court based on any advice, trust me, she's been advised to stop the court nonsense on a hundred occasions and she doesn't listen.   

Quoting pdxmum:

Honestkly, if her reply had been on a different post, I never would have said anything or even noticed.  But the whole point of this post was asking why people who have never been through family court so quickly advise others to do so.

And many of us gave examples of how damaging court can be and that it should remain a last resort. 

BM in your situation could very easily have someone in her life with no experience in family court pushing her to go to court.  Wouldn't it be great for everyone, including you skid, if BM got different advice?

 

And trust me, there was no attacking going on.

Quoting SM36477:

 I think her comment was perfectly reasonable.  She didn't say, yep, you should totally go to court.  She said that if it is important enough to you, then yes, you should take it to court.  What's important to you might not be important to her and vice versa.  Why are you attacking someone over what is an extremely logical response?

Example:  BM doesn't want us to take SS to Disney, so she is taking us to court.  DH and I would never take her to court because she wanted to take SS to Disneym, BM apparently finds it important enough to warrant a court appearance.  It's all about perspective and what's important to each person.

Quoting pdxmum:

Since you have never been to court, why are giving advice about something that you know nothing about?  In a post about how difficult going to court can be?

Did you read the post or any of the responses?

Quoting melyndaann:

No, we have not.  Luckily everyone in our situation (BM, her boyfriend, DH, and I) are very good at co-parenting and working together.  We've never had a disagreement that couldn't be solved between the four of us.  We all prefer it this way.

If it ever came to a point where our cooperation ceased, DH and I would not hesitate to go to court.  We've already made that decision together.  I really hope it doesn't and at this point we never see it going there.  It's good to be on the same page in case though.

Quoting pdxmum:

Have you been to court?

Quoting melyndaann:

If you think it's court worthy, then it is...Plain and simple.

Quoting Singlemama52: What about if you have a toddler who is in intensive therapy due to being delayed from prematurity.. And the therapy can place the toddler on hold, but his place will not be there when he gets back from dads 30 day visitation. The dad doesn't check in with CP nor therapist regarding how the child is doing and if the child is progressing. The father refuses to acknowledge the child may need some help and thinks his 30 day visitation is more important, and the CP has sent the evaluation the child had to NCP. CP offered to split the 30 days of summer up to one week a month starting from May to August but NCP won't agree. Is that court worthy? NCP is far away too and would not be able to take the child to therapy.
Quoting packermom4ever:

I've been to court. One time only. My ex wanted it and it backfired on him. I didn't want to go. It took about 6 months from beginning to end and thousands of dollars. 

And now here we are not following it and he isn't even around to follow it. It was a waste of time and money and I do what I want anyway.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

momof2ex1
by Ruby Member on Apr. 24, 2014 at 7:04 PM
Oh I've been and you're right. It ain't cheap. It's mentally exhausting as well. When you go through an actual custody battle ... You go through times where you feel like you are wearing your heart on your sleeve and your world can come crashing down at any minute. You put your entire future in the hands of a stranger and often times not just one stranger but multiple strangers. Strangers that are tasked with deciding what it is in the best of interest of a child that they have never even laid eyes on. It seems so simple 'just to back to court'. I often wonder if people actually understands what that means.
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donnag013
by Member on Apr. 24, 2014 at 7:09 PM
2 moms liked this

If you parallel parent with a narcissist, curt may be necessary more often than not. A narcissist likemy ex will do whateverhe wants, totally violate any existing CO, then smirk as the judge berates him. A narcissist is absolutely sure they, and only they, know what is best for the child, and will use the child in any way possible to make himslef look like a king. A narcissist won't pay CS, but will buy your child a new laptop after your child destroys his other one. Because that makes the child like him more.

It's all relative.

Tinkerbellmama
by Platinum Member on Apr. 24, 2014 at 7:15 PM

Usually, when SM is complaing about BM in a situation where BD is just as guilty, then no it isn't going to work. Especially in a situation where BD WILLINGLY signed a CO and now SM is unhappy with it.

However, in some instances court IS an option.

DH went back to court a few times because BM wasn't following the CO. But, I didn't have to hold his hand and walk him through it. He's a big boy and capable of making his own decisions and being a good parent all on his own.

nopenope666
by on Apr. 24, 2014 at 7:16 PM
Ha! Thats what she gets for being a bitch

Quoting Annawest:

I've not been to court.  My SO has.  Unfortunately, in his case it was because everytime he tried to co-parent with BM the response was, "take me to court".  He wanted coparenting, she didn't. So after 3 years, he took her to court. It backfired for her as he is now the primary custodian of the child, with BM ordered to pay CS.

newwife1
by Silver Member on Apr. 24, 2014 at 7:27 PM

DH went once. That was when there was NO court order and he was "gifting" her $5,000 a month because she refused to work and said that he had to support HER since she was the "mother of his ONLY child".

He got CS set and everything legal, though he voluntarily pays her double what the state guidelines dictate and he signed a waiver stating he agrees to a HIGHER non guideline amount.


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