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How many of you that give that "advice" have actually ever been? 

It isn't cheap, it isn't easy, and most don't want to go.

And if the advice is given to a SM whining about what mom isnt  doing while her husband isn't doing those things being whined about either, he isn't going to win. 

by on Apr. 24, 2014 at 3:39 PM
Replies (71-78):
momof2ex1
by Ruby Member on Apr. 25, 2014 at 11:42 AM
I hope you didnt take my post to mean that you had not been through a lot with him. I remember your history and realize you've overcome a lot to get to where you are. And I also didn't mean that you pushed him away. He has made the choice to walk away. Some of us aren't that lucky. And of course the kids are the ones that suffer. I agree with you on the - if it's what you have to do, then yes go to court but a lot of what is posted here is not court worthy.

Quoting packermom4ever:

Quoting momof2ex1: Packer - I totally understand what you are saying. And you know what it's like to deal with a narcissist. I have to deal with two who feed off of each other. I've yet to figure out how this relationship has lasted as long as it has for the simple fact that they both require to be the center of attention and how in the world can they both be in the center when they are fighting over the same seat.

But your ex is not involved. He kind of makes it easy on you. You push back on him and he seems to whimper away and just GO away and you don't have to deal with him.

For someone who deals with the same type of person but they are in your face constantly, taking your child and hiding him/her - you really don't agree with court to get your child back?
I don't agree with court for most situations. if you have to fight for your child because it is what is best for them, that is one thing.
But I was answering someone who said court is the answer for a narcissist. It isn't all the time.
I didn't push back for a long time. It took a death threat and a kid saying they weren't going back for me to find the balls to push back. Even when he was threatening me I did nothing. I learned from my kid that sometimes you have to just push back - I had said that to her numerous times, but never walked the talk until I realized she was listening to me and maybe I should learn to take my own advice (hard to do sometimes).
it was scary at first, but worth it. My goal was never to make him go away, just to knock off his behavior, his treatment of the kids, of me. He went away on his own when he realized he couldn't control me, the kids. I was a puppet on a string for a good, long while, thinking that if I didn't do what he said he'd just take me back to court and I would lose my kids. Now that he's gone it is easier - on me. Not the kids all the time.
Posted on CafeMom Mobile
momof2ex1
by Ruby Member on Apr. 25, 2014 at 11:47 AM
No court order in 8 years has proven to my ex either that he may be wrong. I've won every single battle that he has started. For 8 years I have been drug to court to try to prove what an unfit mother I am. That has never worked out for him but he always keeps trying. He's had his rights taken away by a judge. That was my fault. Must have paid the judge off. He has had supervised visits. Also my fault. Must have paid off the judge. He has been ordered to pay legal fees and therapy fees, court costs, sanctions for being an ass and contempt charges. He still doesn't believe he was wrong. He believes HE WAS WRONGED or screwed or target or discriminated against. But never wrong.

Quoting donnag013:

I'm sure she does. If your ex takes your child like mine did, there is no reasoning with him. He gets what he wants, to the extreme detriment of the child (look up parental alienation). I still deal with the alienation on a daily basis. But I know to pick my battles. The ex cancelled our son's psychaitrist appointment, even though it was desperately needed, saying he would arrange a new one because our son was not "comfortable" with her. 5 months later, and no new appointment, not that he would let me know any way. I just have to call every psychiatrist in town to find out where my son is having his appointment. At no point will any court order convince the ex that he might be in the wrong for keeping the information from me. But I get my son every other week, and even though I don't talk to him on his dad's weeks, I still text him and know he gets the messages. I'm not going to spend thousands of dollars over this, because even though it is in the court order, my ex will not change.

Quoting momof2ex1: Packer - I totally understand what you are saying. And you know what it's like to deal with a narcissist. I have to deal with two who feed off of each other. I've yet to figure out how this relationship has lasted as long as it has for the simple fact that they both require to be the center of attention and how in the world can they both be in the center when they are fighting over the same seat.

But your ex is not involved. He kind of makes it easy on you. You push back on him and he seems to whimper away and just GO away and you don't have to deal with him.

For someone who deals with the same type of person but they are in your face constantly, taking your child and hiding him/her - you really don't agree with court to get your child back?

Quoting packermom4ever:

Quoting donnag013:

If you parallel parent with a narcissist, curt may be necessary more often than not. A narcissist likemy ex will do whateverhe wants, totally violate any existing CO, then smirk as the judge berates him. A narcissist is absolutely sure they, and only they, know what is best for the child, and will use the child in any way possible to make himslef look like a king. A narcissist won't pay CS, but will buy your child a new laptop after your child destroys his other one. Because that makes the child like him more.

It's all relative.

I did just that for years. I am not saying he is a narcissist as some sort of armchair diagnosis; our psychologist gave us a psych eval and that was something that popped up (as was paranoia). I still didn't take him back to court over and over. He did violate the order (that he wanted and fought for), he told a judge what he was NOT going to do even though it was in an order already, and he did use our kids for personal reasons - like hurting me or trying to make himself seem like the bestest father ever whenever someone was looking.

I refused to waste money on someone like that. One reason being: narcissists are known for being charming and making it seem like they do nothing wrong. He had his lawyer believing we had an acrimonious relationship and that I was a horrible mother for being on anti anxiety pills (due to him and his actions - I was off of them months after the divorce), yet he'd come up to me in the courthouse after a hearing and talk to me. If I walked away I looked like the bad guy, if I stayed I felt horrible.

So, I get it. I just don't agree with court.

Posted on CafeMom Mobile
sophiesister2
by Bronze Member on Apr. 25, 2014 at 12:22 PM
I havent been there myself and i don't give out that advice really. I've seen SO go through it though and it doesnt look like much fun and if you have an uncooperative ex everything gets dragged out.
sophiesister2
by Bronze Member on Apr. 25, 2014 at 12:22 PM
I havent been there myself and i don't give out that advice really. I've seen SO go through it though and it doesnt look like much fun and if you have an uncooperative ex everything gets dragged out.
sophiesister2
by Bronze Member on Apr. 25, 2014 at 12:22 PM
I havent been there myself and i don't give out that advice really. I've seen SO go through it though and it doesnt look like much fun and if you have an uncooperative ex everything gets dragged out.
sophiesister2
by Bronze Member on Apr. 25, 2014 at 12:22 PM
I havent been there myself and i don't give out that advice really. I've seen SO go through it though and it doesnt look like much fun and if you have an uncooperative ex everything gets dragged out.
sophiesister2
by Bronze Member on Apr. 25, 2014 at 12:22 PM
I havent been there myself and i don't give out that advice really. I've seen SO go through it though and it doesnt look like much fun and if you have an uncooperative ex everything gets dragged out.
sophiesister2
by Bronze Member on Apr. 25, 2014 at 12:22 PM
I havent been there myself and i don't give out that advice really. I've seen SO go through it though and it doesnt look like much fun and if you have an uncooperative ex everything gets dragged out.
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