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Another question about what to say

Posted by on Apr. 25, 2014 at 2:51 PM
  • 24 Replies

Hi all...I'm back. It seems I'm only ever here to ask 'what now?!' . You ladies usually have good advice so...

my dh's ex has finally agreed to communicate by email...although she does still drag sd into it, which DH tries to avoid. Last week bm emailed DH asking if he wanted a 'pistol' she found. Let me put it this way: DH took what he wanted when he left 7 years ago. Really, it's just attention getting, she ended up having sd ask us if we wanted it, knocking on our door to deliver the 'pistol', we didn't answer the door (because she can suck it) or the email (because this has nothing to do with sd). She had sd15 deliver it to us...that's strange enough because she insisted it was a real gun...but it turned out to be a replica. A toy. Seriously. This all happened in a few hours. It certainly wasn't that important.

this week bm wants to know if DH is ok with sd walking around a fair with sd's boyfriend. Bm will be there. Now, before we checked the email sd came in and told us her mom wants DH to text or call her with a response. Umm...We know, for a fact, that she has let sd do more than this with a boy. For example, she let sd go to the movies alone with a boy when she was 12. she was even going to let her drive in a car with a bunch of boys that bm has never met. (These are not things we agree with. DH has told bm he doesn't approve but it's not as if he forbade anything). Besides that she enrolled sd in a school without even asking DH. Not sure why she suddenly cares what we think, except...she thinks we are going to take these emails and try to make her look bad with them somehow. That's not our plan, we just wanted her to stop blowing up his phone.

DH and I were discussing both these emails and we thought about a response. So here are the questions: first, should we ignore the pistol email or just say back 'this has nothing to do with sd'? Second, should we respond about the fair situation 'your house, your rules' or should we say 'not sure why you care suddenly...stop putting sd in the middle...I'm not going to call/text you so stop asking sd to be the go between, etc'.

Thanks!

by on Apr. 25, 2014 at 2:51 PM
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Replies (1-10):
pepper504
by Gold Member on Apr. 25, 2014 at 3:11 PM
2 moms liked this

I wouldn't reply with anything.  SD going with her BF to a fair that is on BM's time, what does it matter?  Not like DH's objection would mean anything.  BM is going to do whatever she wants.

As for the pistol. lol.  Nothing to even say to her about that. 

Both emails show that she's desperate for communication. 

BluDog
by Member on Apr. 25, 2014 at 3:13 PM


Quoting pepper504:

I wouldn't reply with anything.  SD going with her BF to a fair that is on BM's time, what does it matter?  Not like DH's objection would mean anything.  BM is going to do whatever she wants.

As for the pistol. lol.  Nothing to even say to her about that. 

Both emails show that she's desperate for communication. 

Pepper, I have to say, I don't know you but I like the way you think.


pepper504
by Gold Member on Apr. 25, 2014 at 3:16 PM


Quoting BluDog:


Quoting pepper504:

I wouldn't reply with anything.  SD going with her BF to a fair that is on BM's time, what does it matter?  Not like DH's objection would mean anything.  BM is going to do whatever she wants.

As for the pistol. lol.  Nothing to even say to her about that. 

Both emails show that she's desperate for communication. 

Pepper, I have to say, I don't know you but I like the way you think.


lol.  I've been around CM for a long time and have learned a few things. ;)

Think of as this...what is there to answer in those emails that you discuss?  Nothing. ;)

jules2boys
by Gold Member on Apr. 25, 2014 at 3:19 PM
1 mom liked this

Since communication by email is new, and we all know that some emails don't go through (but we don't always get a message telling us they didn't), why not have DH come up with a standard response he can simply copy/paste when no 'other' response is necessary? 

Something simple like "thank you for the information.  No reason for more communication on this matter."

Something a bit more like "Thank you for the information.  This does not pertain to DDs time between our homes. No reason for more communication on this matter."

Something with even more information like "Thank you for the information.  I've read your email but do not find a reason to continue a discussion on this topic.  This email communication wasn't set up with the intent to chat about issues unrelated to DD going between our homes or things/situations that don't pertain to my home so I'll ask you not to continue with this topic any further."

or even a response personal to each email like "BM, thank you for the offer but as I've stated previously, there are no items in your home that I wish to 'get back'.  If you find something you're unsure of, feel free to dispose of said item however you see fit.  Thank you.  BF"   or "BM, thank you for letting me know your plans for DD and her boyfriend.  We've previously agreed that we're each free to allow DD to do as each of us see fit and that shall continue until she's of legal age to decide for herself.  Have a nice day.  BF"

I'd at least respond with an acknowledgement that I received the email (unless it was sent with a 'read receipt' attached to it, then I'd know she knew you'd read it and I'd leave it alone.  That's just me though, and may be because I'm on my email for work all day, every day (at least M-F) so that's what I do in business.  I tend to carry it over to personal when necessary too. 

EricaG87
by Bronze Member on Apr. 25, 2014 at 3:29 PM
2 moms liked this
If I were your dh, I would e-mail the following:

"BM:

Regarding the pistol, no, thank you. Regarding sd and her boyfriend, thank you for asking my input. I am fine with that considering there will be supervision.

Thank you,
BD"

There is no need to make yourselves look immature by basically covering your ears and saying "we can't hear youuuu". She is attempting to communicate, to be courteous, and to involve him in what she feels are important decisions, so take that for the good thing it is, and don't cut off your nose to spite your face.
FreedomTruth
by Bronze Member on Apr. 25, 2014 at 3:47 PM
3 moms liked this

So you guys have been high conflict and asked for communication through emails? What would be so bad about sending a simple email stating "I am not interested in the pistol, and it is fine for SD to go to the fair with you and her bf." Short simple and to the point. If he doesn't respond because of how the past has dictated then he is showing he is also part of the problem with communication.

Closet_Case
by Member on Apr. 25, 2014 at 3:55 PM
1 mom liked this
Oh. My. God...
I almost had a heart attack bc your avi is the contact pic in my DH's phone for his ex...
packermom4ever
by Still The Queen on Apr. 25, 2014 at 3:57 PM

Don't whine about her not communicating your way and about her communicating your way. You can't have it both ways. And you can't tell her what to talk about either. You asked for it you got it, you deal with it. Otherwise, go back to how it was.

BluDog
by Member on Apr. 25, 2014 at 4:17 PM

Nope, no whining here. But it went from blowing up dh's phone to blowing up email and dragging sd into it. We do want to control what she communicates, though: if it's not about the custody agreement there's nothing to say. Toy guns and other bits of miscellanea having nothing to do with sd are non issues so why should we ask how high just because she says jump?

Quoting packermom4ever:

Don't whine about her not communicating your way and about her communicating your way. You can't have it both ways. And you can't tell her what to talk about either. You asked for it you got it, you deal with it. Otherwise, go back to how it was.


BluDog
by Member on Apr. 25, 2014 at 4:22 PM

DH. Has been harassed by her for years but now he is finally burned out on it. I can't blame him. If he doesn't say 'yes, whatever you say' it starts a whole thing that goes on and on for days. So now he wants to only discuss sd's custody. Again, I can't blame him.


Quoting FreedomTruth:

So you guys have been high conflict and asked for communication through emails? What would be so bad about sending a simple email stating "I am not interested in the pistol, and it is fine for SD to go to the fair with you and her bf." Short simple and to the point. If he doesn't respond because of how the past has dictated then he is showing he is also part of the problem with communication.


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