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stepmom of twins

Posted by on Apr. 25, 2014 at 11:20 PM
  • 25 Replies

my bf has twin girls almost two and we have a baby girl that is 7 months. it seems to me that he has a deeper love for them. idk what it is. we got together when they were 5 months and he did everything for them fed them, changed them and i even helped. then we have a baby of our own and he gets annoyed that i ask him for help to feed her or change her. and when she crys. he says she needs to learn to be alone and play by herself. but everytime one of his others cry he runs to them and comforts them. i dont understand. does he think she is not special because she is not a twin. he is always comparing himself and the tiwns to eachother. but never has anything to say about our daughter. its really upsetting to see him parent his other kids so well and act like our daughter is just a chore..ANY THOUGHTS ON THIS. anyone deeling with a situation similar? also im worried our daughter wont feel included in this family. they are always stressing the twin thing and doing their hair the same and dressing the same. i just think its rude. everyone should be treated as an indivual. if my daughter should learn to play alone..shouldnt they need to do the same??

by on Apr. 25, 2014 at 11:20 PM
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Replies (1-10):
cdrainey3
by Cher on Apr. 26, 2014 at 12:08 AM
That's hard! Hurry and have another kid so she will have a buddy too. Lol. (JK)

Have you talked to your dh about this? I have twin sisters(we don't have the same moms, weird sitch) but I was always so annoyed by them. They thought they were so special, but my dad always treated us the same. He loved us as individuals and had an individual relationship with all of us. How old is your dd? My dh always gets closer to the kids as they get older (around one) they start to interact better and are just more fun.
jules2boys
by Gold Member on Apr. 26, 2014 at 12:26 AM
Perhaps it's too many kids too soon for him? Perhaps divorce guilt? Was your quick pregnancy planned? Was the twins pregnancy planned with his XW?

I'm not saying it's right that the children are treated so differently but perhaps if you can understand what he's feeling then it'll help the situation.
heatherberlyn
by on Apr. 26, 2014 at 1:06 AM

yes this pregnancy was planned. what happend was we got together right after he and his ex had just broken up. his decision. and i got pregnant within a month of our relationship by accident. by the time i was around 8-10 weeks. i had a misscarriage. and i was really emotional about it. not that i had lost a baby. i wasnt that late into the pregnancy that i felt a connection yet. it was my first. but that i felt that my body couldnt do what it was ment to do. (reproduce) i was more embarressed. i had to tell everyone i wasnt expecting anymore and answer to those who asked how the baby was doing. it was really hard. so long story short we planned the next quick pregnancy do to my heavy emotions (bad idea i know) but i love my little wiggle worm so much! i definitely didnt think things through...neither did he. but this baby was something we both wanted. and theres no turning back. the twins were not planned. i understand its a lot but i feel you cant just plan to bring someone into this world and not give them the attention they deserve. i get that they are twins and its rare and special or whatever. but that doesnt make our baby any less of a blessing. i have tried to talk to him about it so many times and he doesnt see it that way. its just really difficult and i want to leave him because of it. but its just so hard because i helped him with his babies since they were 5 months. i had them more often than their mother. and then we plan to have a baby and i cant get the same father for my daughter. i just feel stuck.

Rebirth0112
by New Member on Apr. 26, 2014 at 1:14 AM
4 moms liked this
I think "boyfriend who has 2 year old twins with exwife and 7 month old with girfriend" speaks VOLUMES on its own. Neither of you thought this through and made irresponsible choices that now affect 6 peoples lives: his, yours, 3 kids and the ex wife. I think both of you need to re-evaluate alot of things and in the future be more aware of the impact your choices will have.
heatherberlyn
by on Apr. 26, 2014 at 1:15 AM

i have thought about another one, but im on food stamps and cannot provide everything by myself. i just think it would be irresponsible to bring another baby into this world when i havnt set myself up with a decent career yet. how did you feel growing up with twin sister? were they older? did they leave you out a lot. im hoping maybe they will take my daughter under their wing and show them how to be a girl. but you just never know. 

Quoting cdrainey3: That's hard! Hurry and have another kid so she will have a buddy too. Lol. (JK) Have you talked to your dh about this? I have twin sisters(we don't have the same moms, weird sitch) but I was always so annoyed by them. They thought they were so special, but my dad always treated us the same. He loved us as individuals and had an individual relationship with all of us. How old is your dd? My dh always gets closer to the kids as they get older (around one) they start to interact better and are just more fun.


heatherberlyn
by on Apr. 26, 2014 at 1:18 AM

people make mistakes. not everyone is perfect. 

Quoting Rebirth0112: I think "boyfriend who has 2 year old twins with exwife and 7 month old with girfriend" speaks VOLUMES on its own. Neither of you thought this through and made irresponsible choices that now affect 6 peoples lives: his, yours, 3 kids and the ex wife. I think both of you need to re-evaluate alot of things and in the future be more aware of the impact your choices will have.


cdrainey3
by Cher on Apr. 26, 2014 at 1:43 AM
I was teasing about having another baby. You definitely shouldn't if you can't provide what they need.

I am older than my twin sister. About 9 months older. They loved getting all the attention and could be very annoying (but what sibling isn't?) It never affected me though. I had the love and support that I needed from my parents. My mom always favored my younger sister (we have the same mom) and that affected me. So if your daughter grows up thinking her dad loves her older sisters more than I'm sure she will have insecurities. I would definitely encourage your dh to have a better relationship with her.

You can do a lot on your end as well. Show her how to be a strong person and give her all the love she could ever need from you. I think as she gets older he will bond with her better.


Quoting heatherberlyn:

i have thought about another one, but im on food stamps and cannot provide everything by myself. i just think it would be irresponsible to bring another baby into this world when i havnt set myself up with a decent career yet. how did you feel growing up with twin sister? were they older? did they leave you out a lot. im hoping maybe they will take my daughter under their wing and show them how to be a girl. but you just never know. 

Quoting cdrainey3: That's hard! Hurry and have another kid so she will have a buddy too. Lol. (JK)

Have you talked to your dh about this? I have twin sisters(we don't have the same moms, weird sitch) but I was always so annoyed by them. They thought they were so special, but my dad always treated us the same. He loved us as individuals and had an individual relationship with all of us. How old is your dd? My dh always gets closer to the kids as they get older (around one) they start to interact better and are just more fun.

heatherberlyn
by on Apr. 26, 2014 at 1:47 AM

thank you so much! this is honestly the answer i was looking for!! ( :    you rock

Quoting cdrainey3: I was teasing about having another baby. You definitely shouldn't if you can't provide what they need. I am older than my twin sister. About 9 months older. They loved getting all the attention and could be very annoying (but what sibling isn't?) It never affected me though. I had the love and support that I needed from my parents. My mom always favored my younger sister (we have the same mom) and that affected me. So if your daughter grows up thinking her dad loves her older sisters more than I'm sure she will have insecurities. I would definitely encourage your dh to have a better relationship with her. You can do a lot on your end as well. Show her how to be a strong person and give her all the love she could ever need from you. I think as she gets older he will bond with her better.
Quoting heatherberlyn:

i have thought about another one, but im on food stamps and cannot provide everything by myself. i just think it would be irresponsible to bring another baby into this world when i havnt set myself up with a decent career yet. how did you feel growing up with twin sister? were they older? did they leave you out a lot. im hoping maybe they will take my daughter under their wing and show them how to be a girl. but you just never know. 

Quoting cdrainey3: That's hard! Hurry and have another kid so she will have a buddy too. Lol. (JK) Have you talked to your dh about this? I have twin sisters(we don't have the same moms, weird sitch) but I was always so annoyed by them. They thought they were so special, but my dad always treated us the same. He loved us as individuals and had an individual relationship with all of us. How old is your dd? My dh always gets closer to the kids as they get older (around one) they start to interact better and are just more fun.



faerie75
by Platinum Member on Apr. 26, 2014 at 2:15 AM
1 mom liked this
I second this. If you get with a dude who JUST broke up with his children's mom, and "planned" an immediate pregnancy. Forget red flags, I hear a freakin alarm going off.

Quoting Rebirth0112: I think "boyfriend who has 2 year old twins with exwife and 7 month old with girfriend" speaks VOLUMES on its own. Neither of you thought this through and made irresponsible choices that now affect 6 peoples lives: his, yours, 3 kids and the ex wife. I think both of you need to re-evaluate alot of things and in the future be more aware of the impact your choices will have.
momof2ex1
by Ruby Member on Apr. 26, 2014 at 2:23 AM
2 moms liked this
I had this really great response typed up and then my phone shut off. Sometimes mobile has it's down falls.

So... I am going to have to just sum it up for you because I don't have anymore time to try to re-write the awesomeness that I had already put effort in to. I'm sorry.

1. I don't think that your boyfriend was ready for a third child. While yes you say it was planned because of your lost pregnancy - I am wondering if this was more of a - my girl is hurting and I'll do anything to make her happy - type of thing. It's too late now. It is the decision he made however, I think that you are now dealing with the built up resentment of him making a decision he wasn't ready for but did not have the balls to admit it.

As far as the twins - ah.. Twins. I always wanted twins. I was a twin but my twin past in utero. So because of that, I've always thought that twins are totally awesome and I would like a pair of my own. It's like a right of passage for parents of twins - not to mention twin GIRLS to dress them alike and fix their hair alike and to have two of everything. My best friend has twin boys and they are not as fun as my cousins twin girls. Because dressing them alike is just not as fun. I'm almost wondering if your annoyance at this very normal parent of twinks behavior is your resentment building up. I'm sure there are people out there that don't think all of that is cute and adorable. I'm sure there is someone out there that thinks it's ridiculous and a bit over the top.. But I'm wondering - if you've known them literally their whole little lives, didn't you know that they were being treated as normal twins are? Or did they just start dressing alike since you had your baby?

How often does your boyfriend have the girls? How much 'break' time does he get? Is he working to provide for both families? Are you contributing financially to the household? What's his stress level like? You say he does everything for the girls in one post and you have even helped but in another you allude to doing a lot more than helping. I'm asking because if he is doing everything for them 100% and then you're asking for help with your baby, is he maybe just tired and burned out? Especially if he is working full time also?

It's not right that he is feeling whatever he is feeling towards your baby. But there has to be an underlying reason. You need to find out that reason. Is he tired? Burned out? Depressed? Financial struggles? You mention being on welfare - how does that affect him as a man? Not being able to fully provide for his family - that can be hard on a man's ego.

Back to the twins. Twins almost always have a bond that cannot be broken. (I say almost as a disclosure because I know there will be some smart ass who comes in and says no not always) so I say almost always...
Your daughter won't ever be a twin with them. She's their sister. They may develope a bond with her - they may not. You can expect that the likelyhood of them not developing a bond with her will be high if 1. You two break up and they no longer share a home 2. Your resentment builds and builds and they a. Figure it out b. Your child grows up feeding off of your feelings and just flat doesn't like them either.

There are many children in this world who are siblings to twins. They bond just fine. They grow up together and are close siblings. And sometimes they aren't. But more often than not- I think normal families have twins and singlettes and they all do just fine and no one is left out. The great thing about their age difference is once your baby is older - they will all be playing together and doing the same things.

I don't think your baby was as planned as you like to think. 1. You're on welfare 2. Your boyfriend has something going on that leads me to believe that this wasn't something he was really prepared for 3. Your concerns about your baby being a sibling to twins that have existed now for a few years ... This was not all that well thought out. In the heat of your grieving the loss of your unborn child ... You guys jumped to replace that pain with joy without really thinking it through. That's neither here nor there because this baby is here and needs the same love that is afforded her sisters. I would suggest therapy. For both of you. You've got some things to work out and he does too. You guys need a neutral third party in a safe neutral place to hash it out. I am betting there is an underlying reason for his behavior. He's either exhausted or he didn't know what he was jumping in to.
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