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The circle of trust

Posted by on Apr. 26, 2014 at 12:34 AM
  • 19 Replies
Nights events got me thinking..

Ds10 gave me the second key to his diary. He has no secrets from his sf or me.

Ss5 tried telling me not to look as he hid a secret in his back pack and has secrets with bm. Things he can't tell dh or me. We had a talk explaining his thoughts make us happy and nothing he does or says will stop us from loving him

What do you teach you children or step children about secrets?
by on Apr. 26, 2014 at 12:34 AM
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Replies (1-10):
pdxmum
by Ruby Member on Apr. 26, 2014 at 1:27 AM

My DDs have secrets.  They have private diaries that I would never consider reading.  However, their online lives are completely open to me.

But when I say they have secrets, I mean private thoughts.  My DDs and I have a very open relationship.  And as much as they love DH, they just don't share as much with him.  They are at that age where I am starting to find out some secrets from when they were little.  They are 17 and 19. 

My skids are very, very private.  I don't think they necessarily hide things, they just don't share.  Not with me and not with DH.  With DH they will if he asks.

How old are the boys?

jules2boys
by Gold Member on Apr. 26, 2014 at 3:06 AM
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Secrets someone else tells you to keep are only secrets with an expiration date (gifts, surprise party, etc.) Otherwise they may not be secrets that should be kept. Secrets they have on their own (dreams, thoughts, desires, etc.) Are theirs to keep. Something told or shared in confidence by a friend should be shared with a trusted adult if it's something that they're friend could be hurt by or with (abuse, drugs, alcohol, etc.) Otherwise they can and should keep them.
whatIknownow
by Emerald Member on Apr. 26, 2014 at 6:44 AM
1 mom liked this

I would tell SS5 that if he has a secret, it's best not to tell anyone he has a secret because then they will want to know what it is. It's best not to mention it at all.

If he says he has secrets with his mom I would just say "ok" and leave it at that. He does have the right to have "secrets" with his mom. Who knows what he's calling a "secret."

chanizen
by Platinum Member on Apr. 26, 2014 at 6:50 AM
Somethings are private. I don't see the big deal. But I agree with wikn in the above response. If he considers something private, perhaps he shouldn't make a big deal about it.

And I wouldn't go hunting through his backpack based on that alone. However, if I had other indicators, violence or poor grades, I would encourage dh to get the child someone neutral who he can share his secret with. Like a pastor or a counselor.
HopesNDreams
by Silver Member on Apr. 26, 2014 at 7:11 AM
1 mom liked this
There are three kinds of thoughts in the heads of my children when they were young and it was critical to define them. Some thoughts and information was private: medical diagnoses, thinking someone looked fat, mean opinions, something you weren't quite ready to express. These thoughts weren't for the general public, but did no harm to keep to one's self.

Some thoughts were surprises: presents, parties, a picture you made, something you were going to do later. These thoughts filled your heart with joy when you thought of them and were completely positive. It was always okay to keep a surprise private.

Some thoughts were secrets: these thoughts made your heart feel upset, sick, or angry. They might be confusing, frightening, or scary. It could be a memory of something that happened or something that someone told you. It is NEVER acceptable to keep a secret inside and they must always be told to a trusted adult: a parent, teacher, therapist, neighbor, guidance counselor, or grandparent.

My SD was abused. Once the difference between the terms was explained to her, she was able to begin to open up a bit.

HopesNDreams

Come join me at Stepping Beyond StepParenting, a group for stepmoms dealing with troubled preteens/teens
mrsd2013
by Bronze Member on Apr. 26, 2014 at 9:09 AM
Ds is 10. He offered the key to me. I would have never asked for it. I'm not there are things he doesn't tell me and I'm ok with that. He is very responsible and is a good boy!

Ss is 5.


Quoting pdxmum:

My DDs have secrets.  They have private diaries that I would never consider reading.  However, their online lives are completely open to me.

But when I say they have secrets, I mean private thoughts.  My DDs and I have a very open relationship.  And as much as they love DH, they just don't share as much with him.  They are at that age where I am starting to find out some secrets from when they were little.  They are 17 and 19. 

My skids are very, very private.  I don't think they necessarily hide things, they just don't share.  Not with me and not with DH.  With DH they will if he asks.

How old are the boys?

mrsd2013
by Bronze Member on Apr. 26, 2014 at 9:10 AM
I agree with all of this.

Quoting jules2boys: Secrets someone else tells you to keep are only secrets with an expiration date (gifts, surprise party, etc.) Otherwise they may not be secrets that should be kept. Secrets they have on their own (dreams, thoughts, desires, etc.) Are theirs to keep. Something told or shared in confidence by a friend should be shared with a trusted adult if it's something that they're friend could be hurt by or with (abuse, drugs, alcohol, etc.) Otherwise they can and should keep them.
mrsd2013
by Bronze Member on Apr. 26, 2014 at 9:13 AM
Ha. I wasn't planning on snooping. And I don't care that he wanted to take something with him to her house. I was just wondering about everyone's parenting styles and using the difference between mine and hers as an example.

Quoting chanizen: Somethings are private. I don't see the big deal. But I agree with wikn in the above response. If he considers something private, perhaps he shouldn't make a big deal about it.

And I wouldn't go hunting through his backpack based on that alone. However, if I had other indicators, violence or poor grades, I would encourage dh to get the child someone neutral who he can share his secret with. Like a pastor or a counselor.
chanizen
by Platinum Member on Apr. 26, 2014 at 9:21 AM
Ah. I let my dd have her privacy. She has earned it consistently with good behavior: she makes mistakes but corrects them.

My ss does not get as much leeway. Because of his behavior (he has a disorder and makes bad decisions). For me, that simply means extra monitoring and oversight in public places and in the public places in the home. Dh takes the lead if inspection of his room or backpack becomes necessary or if looking at electronic devices needs to take place:

Quoting mrsd2013: Ha. I wasn't planning on snooping. And I don't care that he wanted to take something with him to her house. I was just wondering about everyone's parenting styles and using the difference between mine and hers as an example.

Quoting chanizen: Somethings are private. I don't see the big deal. But I agree with wikn in the above response. If he considers something private, perhaps he shouldn't make a big deal about it.

And I wouldn't go hunting through his backpack based on that alone. However, if I had other indicators, violence or poor grades, I would encourage dh to get the child someone neutral who he can share his secret with. Like a pastor or a counselor.
cdrainey3
by Cher on Apr. 26, 2014 at 9:42 AM
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If its a good, fun secret and it makes you happy (like giving a gift) then you can keep it, but if its a secret that's bad and makes you feel sad you come tell mom right away. Now, my son is 5 so not sure how long that will last, but its a foundation of trust and him knowing he needs to share things that aren't right to me. Hopefully as he grows it will just be what he does.
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