Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

Stepmom Central Stepmom Central

50 Shades of wrong.....

Posted by on Apr. 26, 2014 at 11:51 AM
  • 145 Replies
So, DH screwed up...royally screwed up. He forgot SD's birthday. Why? Probably because I handle birthdays in this house and I was told to stay out of her life by SD and MIL. DH has started a new business, is working unbelievable hours and is getting sues by his old firm (standard practice for the firm, but is adds 20 hours a week right now of copying, etc to prepare for the suit.). DH cannot afford to hire an assistant to handle any of the stuff at work due to legal fees, supporting SD, etc. DH is a complete ____ fill in your own insult for forgetting - both he and I have called him it. He took ownership of it and apologized. Not the issue...

SD opted to act out and write a suicide note to give to the counselor at school, get an ambulance ride to the hospital, and commit herself. There was no intent to harm herself - it was all manipulative. MIL blamed it on DH. The therapist tried to explain to her that typical kids don't do this even after a big disappointment, but MIL just blames DH (note the shift - she no longer blames me, but must blame someone. SD can't be held responsible). It cones put later that the night before, SD snuck out (no word on why the security system wasn't armed), couldn't get back in, and had to be let in by MIL. MIL screamed obscenities at her, called her a slut among other things and THIS is what led to the incident with the note. MIL was not pleased when we found out

MIL tried to again turn it back to DH (again he is a complete jerk for forgetting), saying that SD walked around all day saying 'how could my dad forget?', 'what kind of dad forgets?', and other things. I don't doubt this. I watched this every birthday when her mother wouldn't send anything or call or her grandparents wouldn't call - MIL herself never acknowledged SD's birthday in any way ever until she saw her next, sometimes months later. We would talk to SD about it, text BM, ask if she wanted to call, distract her by going places, and above all not let her mind get stuck on it. This was when she was in a much healthier mental state.

I am wondering what the rational would be to let her get more and more miserable? By 5pm, it must have been obvious that he had forgotten or was distracted - how hard would it have been to text him for her sake? This is a child who self harms at the slightest provocation, why would MIL let her continue to get more upset like that? Before anyone says it, it has already been yelled at DH, why would he make the situation worse by forgetting!!!
by on Apr. 26, 2014 at 11:51 AM
Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Replies (1-10):
KWIM
by Bronze Member on Apr. 26, 2014 at 11:56 AM
3 moms liked this
I understand disengaging, I truly do. Sometimes it is necessary for your own sanity.

That said, you know the child self harms and you knew it was her birthday. Would it have killed you to be the one to throw the reminder his way when you saw everyone else dropped the ball?

Picking battles is key to surviving difficult situations and it is possible you picked a very petty hill to die on.
Birdseed
by Platinum Member on Apr. 26, 2014 at 11:57 AM
1 mom liked this

What kills me is that MIL=HIS MOTHER.  And yet she seems hell bent on destroying his relationship with his daughter, making things harder/worse for her granddaughter, etc.  It's almost like she's got some kind of mild strain of Munchausen's or something.  She seem to WANT her granddaughter to be miserable so she can swoop in and save the day and have all the sympathy and attention.

pdxmum
by Platinum Member on Apr. 26, 2014 at 11:58 AM
2 moms liked this

Of course MIL should have contacted her son.  That girl is doomed staying there.  MIL likes her own drama.

bothsidesofcoin
by Member on Apr. 26, 2014 at 12:01 PM
How old is SD?
HopesNDreams
by Silver Member on Apr. 26, 2014 at 12:07 PM
1 mom liked this
Quoting KWIM: I understand disengaging, I truly do. Sometimes it is necessary for your own sanity.

That said, you know the child self harms and you knew it was her birthday. Would it have killed you to be the one to throw the reminder his way when you saw everyone else dropped the ball?

Picking battles is key to surviving difficult situations and it is possible you picked a very petty hill to die on.



We fight 90% of the time when her name is brought up. I remembered her birthday that day after he had gone to work. He could have made plans to see her and just not told me - he has done this before. He could have gotten her something and not told me to avoid conflict - he has also done this. I have been told numerous times that he and his mother 'have this'. When I have pointed out in the past that they clearly do not, it does not go well. This is a minor situation compared to others.

I had no idea everyone dropped the ball. It is very common for MIL and DH to leave me out of communications about SD.
HopesNDreams
by Silver Member on Apr. 26, 2014 at 12:16 PM
Quoting Birdseed:

What kills me is that MIL=HIS MOTHER.  And yet she seems hell bent on destroying his relationship with his daughter, making things harder/worse for her granddaughter, etc.  It's almost like she's got some kind of mild strain of Munchausen's or something.  She seem to WANT her granddaughter to be miserable so she can swoop in and save the day and have all the sympathy and attention.



She edits. She explodes or SD explodes...everything falls apart....then, MIL edits the situation so that neither she nor SD looks bad. It was Hopes! Or DH! Or the kids at school! If you find out the truth..? O. M. G. The world could end at the anger she will hurl your way. The only thing that will prevent that is if she has an audience.

She is provoking SD's behaviors, then editing the problem (like leaving out the sneaking out). Then all anyone clinical hears is that SD is devastated over being abandoned by dad - oh! Look at how it has affected her!!! Look how devastated!!! In reality, she was verbally abused for an hour, probably had a PTSD episode and was trying to flee that. The facility she was in was not interested in hearing any of it. They believe MIL.
HopesNDreams
by Silver Member on Apr. 26, 2014 at 12:20 PM
Quoting pdxmum:

Of course MIL should have contacted her son.  That girl is doomed staying there.  MIL likes her own drama.



I know...I know...we had a meeting and we forced to realize that if they do not accept our request for inpatient (which SD also requested), there is nothing else we can do. SD had her full act on and they all believed. I pointed it out 3/4 of the way through and SD dropped it.

Her therapist had no idea it was an act. MIL and SFIL had no idea. Her case manager had no idea. What chance is there if these people cannot recognize the most basic of her manipulative behaviors?

MIL likes being the 'expert'. In reality, she is an idiot - she knows nothing.
Birdseed
by Platinum Member on Apr. 26, 2014 at 12:21 PM

I just don't understand why MIL has so much power here.

HopesNDreams
by Silver Member on Apr. 26, 2014 at 12:21 PM
Quoting bothsidesofcoin: How old is SD?


This was her 17th birthday.
HopesNDreams
by Silver Member on Apr. 26, 2014 at 12:30 PM
Quoting Birdseed:

I just don't understand why MIL has so much power here.



Its a complicated chain of idiocy...

14 is the age of consent for mental health. SD can block whomever she wishes from access, including parents. We believe she has again removed our access since no one is returning our calls. DH is obligated to pay for all mental health treatment SD has.
18 is the age of consent for medical treatment. DH has access to all medical treatment. When she is in any inpatient facility they have to tell him she is there, meds, height/weight, general health, etc. Technically, MIL should not have access without DH consent, but the 14 year old thing overrides that here.

We could boot MIL out of it by saying she was coming back to our home, but that isn't happening.
Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)