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Some times an "interferring" "overstepping" SM would be nice

Posted by on Apr. 26, 2014 at 7:53 PM
  • 50 Replies
1 mom liked this
So I'm a BM not a SM. I've posted about my situation before but not frequently.

DD(8) recently had her first overnight with Dad. One 24 hour period which will increase to 33 next time and then 45 in 6 months. First time in two years do to DV, abuse and neglect. The problems mentioned were ongoing during the two year period in which he had 10 hours, one day a week and then 12 hours EOW, reduced by agreement.

Dad had stated previously to DD's counselor and the Court at the hearing for overnights that he had clothes, etc. on hand for DD. He was questioned about this due to not providing for her needs previously. This led to me not sending things for her other than a few favorite toys and two pairs of shoes.

In the end Dad had close to nothing. He did have an Easter dress and a lair of yoga pants his Mom purchased. No underwear, toothbrush, toiletries, etc. DD ended up having to wear dirty underwear and do without the other things.

In addition they (Dad, GF, baby and DD) were travelling home from an event. DD told her Dad she needed to use the restroom and he refused to stop. DD even saw a place she recognized and asked to stop there, Dad lied and said they don't have restrooms. In the end DD ended up going in her pants. Dad then took her grocery shopping a few minutes from his house instead of taking her home to change first. When they did get home he did not help her to clean up and of course she had nothing clean to put on.


The issue that caused the counselor to question him about what he had on hand for DD very closely mirrors what happened at this past visit. At that time I emailed him about it and asked that he address the issue. I'm not saying anything this time.

Anyway, for these issues I would have more than welcomed a SM who stepped in an did "Dad's job" for him. who encouraged Dad to purchase things for DD when DD came over without them, helped DD by washing what she did have, advocated for Dad to stop so DD could use the restroom and/or spoke up about the appropriateness of leaving DD in urine soaked clothing.

It is interesting how a possible issue you fear having to deal with can end up being far less worrisome than the alternative.
by on Apr. 26, 2014 at 7:53 PM
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Replies (1-10):
Birdseed
by Platinum Member on Apr. 26, 2014 at 8:00 PM
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On the one hand, I get what you are saying.  But on the other, what kind of shit hole parent doesn't stop for a kid to urinate, lets a kid pee her pants, and then drags her through a store.  WTF?  I mean, I can't imagine what kind of "nice" SM would even be with such an assclown.

I wouldn't. 

If my DH didn't have a pretty good handle on taking care of his daughters I wouldn't have dated him. I refused to date other men with kids because they were so hands off.  I wouldn't even think of being with someone who thought that shit you describe is okay.


kimb1975
by Member on Apr. 26, 2014 at 8:19 PM
Wow! I'm BM and SM. Never would I allow that to occur in my home. I am sorry you and your DD have to deal with this. Can you call gf and ask for her "help"? Not that you should have to ask, but maybe if you do she will step up and be an ally for your daughters' sake.
Please say something to the counselor and get this sorted out. I am soooo sorry for what he is putting you both through.
ZennMomma
by Bronze Member on Apr. 26, 2014 at 8:29 PM
That's awful. I wouldn't want to keep sending her...

Really, he is not a dad. Being married to someone who is a slightly better parent won't make him a better dad either IMO. Usually, people like that flock together, chances are gf isn't so great either :(

My ex remarried, she had two girls, so I thought maybe he would gain some parenting skills, and they have a toddler together....nope he is just as bad if not worse. Now my son is in a situation where his father is missing visitation because they have to get marriage counseling and take trips to Vegas for concerts.....
cdrainey3
by Cher on Apr. 26, 2014 at 8:31 PM
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Any sane woman would never be with an asshole like that. I was lucky and got to watch my dh care for his son while we were dating. I knew he would be a great father. If I had witnessed him do that, I would of told him what an ass he is and left.

I hope for your daughters sake, time with dad is very limited. That's so sad!
cdrainey3
by Cher on Apr. 26, 2014 at 8:33 PM
That's so true and I was thinking the same thing! If he did find someone, she would be just as stupid.



Quoting ZennMomma: That's awful. I wouldn't want to keep sending her...

Really, he is not a dad. Being married to someone who is a slightly better parent won't make him a better dad either IMO. Usually, people like that flock together, chances are gf isn't so great either :(

My ex remarried, she had two girls, so I thought maybe he would gain some parenting skills, and they have a toddler together....nope he is just as bad if not worse. Now my son is in a situation where his father is missing visitation because they have to get marriage counseling and take trips to Vegas for concerts.....
Boobear110
by Audra on Apr. 26, 2014 at 8:39 PM

I'm a BM and an SM. I would have kicked his ass if I had witnessed such a thing. Of course, I would never be with such a penis wrinkle to begin with. That takes a special kind of  assholery. Wow. 

Do you have to keep sending her? I'd have a really hard time sticking to that visitation. I'd tell him to pound it. When he decided to man the fuck up and be a parent he could give you a jingle and you may possibly allow him to wave to her from the end of the driveway. 


bothsidesofcoin
by Member on Apr. 26, 2014 at 8:42 PM
I'm a BM and SM. Even though I have no relationship with the skids (10&8) due to BM drama and hatred that DH has moved on to better things, if one of the skids or my kids had to go to the bathroom, we'd stop and let them go. Now there has been times SS 8 has wet his pants intentionally, and I've cleaned them and folded and gave him clothes to change into. I wouldn't count on the dad or his GF making sure kids needs are met. I'd be documenting this and keeping close eye on this.
Polkadotted
by Gold Member on Apr. 26, 2014 at 9:40 PM
Ugh thus woman is probably interfering in a negative way. Why does he go for visitation? Does he really want it or is she pushing or does he do it to control you?
advomom05
by Member on Apr. 26, 2014 at 9:58 PM
Unfortunately, the kind of shithole parent DD has.

When the time for meeting the GF was approaching x told DD's counselor that "GF can't wait to meet DD. She's excited to be the mom to a little girl because she wanted a girl but we had a boy."

My off the cuff reaction to that statement wasn't so pretty but I quickly realized it was just more of his BS, not anything she really said. Especially given the little I did know of her at the time.

If I'm honest I was holding onto some hope that she would step in where Dad doesn't. It's a weird position to be in.

Quoting Birdseed:

On the one hand, I get what you are saying.  But on the other, what kind of shit hole parent doesn't stop for a kid to urinate, lets a kid pee her pants, and then drags her through a store.  WTF?  I mean, I can't imagine what kind of "nice" SM would even be with such an assclown.

I wouldn't. 

If my DH didn't have a pretty good handle on taking care of his daughters I wouldn't have dated him. I refused to date other men with kids because they were so hands off.  I wouldn't even think of being with someone who thought that shit you describe is okay.

advomom05
by Member on Apr. 26, 2014 at 10:03 PM
Thank you.

I'll admit I did consider texting her and asking her to help, briefly. When you're desperate you consider all kinds of things. Realistically though I think this would be a bad idea and only make things worse.

DD's counselor knows and is documenting. However, there were pages of documentation from the counselor(regarding issues like this and worse) submitted at the hearing for overnights and the judge completely ignored them.

Quoting kimb1975: Wow! I'm BM and SM. Never would I allow that to occur in my home. I am sorry you and your DD have to deal with this. Can you call gf and ask for her "help"? Not that you should have to ask, but maybe if you do she will step up and be an ally for your daughters' sake.
Please say something to the counselor and get this sorted out. I am soooo sorry for what he is putting you both through.
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