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SM Title When Unmarried

Posted by on Apr. 28, 2014 at 1:10 PM
  • 196 Replies
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This issue has resolved itself in my case, since DH and I are now married, but the fact that it happened still drives me crazy. So I'm hoping to get some opinions for my own sanity, wondering if DH and I were right to be angry or if we were totally off base.

DH and I had been living together for about 2 years, joint finances, both of our names on the house/cars, etc. At the time we had no desire to make it official and get married. We felt that the cost of the wedding we were expected to have could be better used elsewhere and were secure in our relationship married or not.

DH has 50/50 custody, so SD, who was 6 at the time, spent a lot of her time with us. I was acting in a full on SM role, at BM and DH's request, caring for SD when both parents were otherwise engaged, on top of the 50/50 split, (DH working, BM auditioning husbands). SD really disliked introducing me as "my dad's girfriend" and begged us to let her call me her step-mom. She said that she wanted to tell people I was something to HER, not just to her dad. We could understand that line of reasoning so we agreed.

BM heard about this and told SD that she was not allowed to call me her SM, and that I was "just" her dad's girlfriend. Of course this upset SD and opened a whole other can of worms with SD questioning why her mom "obviously" didn't like me.

On the surface I can understand that I was not SD's SM, as we were not married. But at the time SD called BM's roommate's daughter her sister, called various unrelated adults aunt and uncle.

So, am I right to feel offended or am I being overly sensitive?
by on Apr. 28, 2014 at 1:10 PM
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by Platinum Member on Apr. 28, 2014 at 1:14 PM
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I think you are being sensitive.  You weren't her SM and, in your own words, has no interest in that.

by on Apr. 28, 2014 at 1:16 PM
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 If you are living as a married couple and you are assuming the sm role you are sm.

by Bronze Member on Apr. 28, 2014 at 1:25 PM
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They can be called what they want
There is no law stating in order to have the SM stamp you need to be married
Its just so petty when people make such a big deal

If my kids want to call my Exs GF a SM, so be jt. If she is caring for our kids like her own kid, whats the problem?
Cant waste my time worrying about what she should be called. Thats so anal.
If its ok with my kids and they feel comfortable calling her a SM, thats fine with me. They know im their mom and they know they arent married. Its what makes them happy is whats important.

And you have a point. If BM is calling others by names they arent (aunt uncle cousin blah blah blah) whats the big deal in you having the SM label
by Platinum Member on Apr. 28, 2014 at 1:31 PM
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IMO (mine only), until you are married, you are not SM, regardless of what your SOs DD wants to call you.  I may have tried to come up with another/different nickname that designated some sort of special place you had in SO's DDs heart and gone with that until you made it official.  Many on here use SM when they aren't married, some for clarity in the post and some because it works for their situation.  If it works for them, my opinion is simply that, my opinion, and has no weight or bearing on what they choose in their own situation. :) 

Technically you weren't SM, so to feel 'offended' that BM didn't share your feelings is a bit sensitive on your part.  The fact that she had her DD call others names that they weren't is irrelvant, IMO.  It's none of BMs business that you and SO shared finances, both names were on the house/cars, etc.  And, doing so doesn't give you a title you don't have. 

This said, it's also a waste of your time to feel offended by what BM says.  :) 

(I'm a BM, not a SM, if that helps)

by Bronze Member on Apr. 28, 2014 at 1:36 PM
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Technically you were not SM at the time, so BM was telling her daughter the truth. Not quite sure why you were upset. I am not quite sure what acting on a full on step mom role consists of. Is it worth causing a fight over? Nope. But you do have the right to feel the way you do. My son thinks his best friend is his brother. I explain how brother's work and that he is not technically his brother. It doesn't cause any conflict or problems. He knows I love his best friend and his best friend is always welcome at the house.

by on Apr. 28, 2014 at 1:41 PM
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I don't understand why you were offended. Because SD's mom didnt' consider you here SM?

In my opinion you have to be married to be a SM, technically.  Here in this group for the sake of convenience, we use SM to mean anyone in a SM role. But technically, you weren't her SM when you weren't married.

by Platinum Member on Apr. 28, 2014 at 1:43 PM
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ehhh....I vote overly sensitive.  Why did the truth bother you so bad?

by Platinum Member on Apr. 28, 2014 at 1:45 PM
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You weren't a SM so you have no reason to be offended. Playing house does not equal marriage and you must be married to be a SM.

by Platinum Member on Apr. 28, 2014 at 1:49 PM

I think you're being sensitive. 

P.S. BM's has boyfriend? How SD calls him?

by Ruby Member on Apr. 28, 2014 at 2:07 PM
7 moms liked this

 i wouldnt be offended. i would also not do BM any favors like be her free babysitter either, though.

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