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What if I don't want the responsibility?

Posted by on May. 8, 2014 at 12:19 AM
  • 38 Replies
So..what would you do?? My husband jumps at the chance to have "more time" with his son (my step son), but it ends up being ME who is with him most of the time! My husband works a lot so therefore I'm there with the kids and it adds a lot of stress and I don't particularly want the extra time with him. Is that horrible of me??
by on May. 8, 2014 at 12:19 AM
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Replies (1-10):
momof2ex1
by Ruby Member on May. 8, 2014 at 12:23 AM
Nope. It's not horrible of you at all! You aren't expected to love them like your own. For some - it's not possible. He's there to visit his dad. Dad wants extra time - dad should make sure he's going to be available to be with him. Or else he should let mom have the extra time.
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andie646c
by Silver Member on May. 8, 2014 at 12:25 AM
1 mom liked this

It is not horrible. Why would that be horrible? If he isn't there then why is he jumping at the chance at all?

I know that my husband likes having his kids in his home where he knows they are safe. Whether he is here or not, he feels like they are "safer" where he resides. It makes little logical sense to me.

I did make it very clear, back when he was NCP, that I was not a babysitter. His kids would not be around unless he was around. We had a fight or two about it but he finally came around when I started up and leaving him with my DS. He "got it" at that point.

Tracisanchez
by Member on May. 8, 2014 at 12:27 AM
Thank you! I agree! But my husband seems to feel like he is "our" responsibility cuz we are a "family" and I'm home with my 2 boys all the time so my step son should just "fit right in"....not so easy. And I do feel bad asking if he could go to the grandparents or something because then it looks like I'm trying to get rid of him!

Quoting momof2ex1: Nope. It's not horrible of you at all! You aren't expected to love them like your own. For some - it's not possible. He's there to visit his dad. Dad wants extra time - dad should make sure he's going to be available to be with him. Or else he should let mom have the extra time.
CrunchMaMaBear
by Queen Crunch on May. 8, 2014 at 12:29 AM
Nope, I feel that way sometimes, I have a VERY highly fussy toddler and with his kids added , it is super stressful. I am with them 97% of the time they are here. Dh works A LOT and he is always the first to jump for an xtra day when we already have them half the time. I try to remember that they are just kids and enjoy the time with them. Yes they drive me crazy sometimes but I do like having them around, so does dd.
If you don't want to watch them, put your foot down and say no. I know its hard but your dh shiuld be more considerate of you. My dh would never take xtra time with the kids while I would be caring for them without asking if I mind. The answer is usually of corse I willing, but sometimes I say no I can't. I have kid free plans lol
Tracisanchez
by Member on May. 8, 2014 at 12:31 AM
Thank you! I should have put that same kind of agreement into place a long time ago! (What does DS stand for?) ..there has been so many fights between us and I always end up looking like the bad guy. Evil step mom who doesn't want the kid around.

Quoting andie646c:

It is not horrible. Why would that be horrible? If he isn't there then why is he jumping at the chance at all?

I know that my husband likes having his kids in his home where he knows they are safe. Whether he is here or not, he feels like they are "safer" where he resides. It makes little logical sense to me.

I did make it very clear, back when he was NCP, that I was not a babysitter. His kids would not be around unless he was around. We had a fight or two about it but he finally came around when I started up and leaving him with my DS. He "got it" at that point.

momof2ex1
by Ruby Member on May. 8, 2014 at 12:35 AM
He should just stay with his mom.

Quoting Tracisanchez: Thank you! I agree! But my husband seems to feel like he is "our" responsibility cuz we are a "family" and I'm home with my 2 boys all the time so my step son should just "fit right in"....not so easy. And I do feel bad asking if he could go to the grandparents or something because then it looks like I'm trying to get rid of him!

Quoting momof2ex1: Nope. It's not horrible of you at all! You aren't expected to love them like your own. For some - it's not possible. He's there to visit his dad. Dad wants extra time - dad should make sure he's going to be available to be with him. Or else he should let mom have the extra time.
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Tracisanchez
by Member on May. 8, 2014 at 12:35 AM
Thanks for understanding! Glad I'm not the only one. It's hard when u have your own babies to care for...and my older step son is an only child at his moms so he is used to everything revolving around him. I feel like if he's not being entertained or "having fun" at my house then he's moping around ... Makes me irritable!

Quoting CrunchMaMaBear: Nope, I feel that way sometimes, I have a VERY highly fussy toddler and with his kids added , it is super stressful. I am with them 97% of the time they are here. Dh works A LOT and he is always the first to jump for an xtra day when we already have them half the time. I try to remember that they are just kids and enjoy the time with them. Yes they drive me crazy sometimes but I do like having them around, so does dd.
If you don't want to watch them, put your foot down and say no. I know its hard but your dh shiuld be more considerate of you. My dh would never take xtra time with the kids while I would be caring for them without asking if I mind. The answer is usually of corse I willing, but sometimes I say no I can't. I have kid free plans lol
andie646c
by Silver Member on May. 8, 2014 at 12:51 AM

DS is Dear Son

It is never too late to set or change your boundaries. Make them very clear. Be prepared for backlash and stand strong. Then, remember that the two of you are married and sometimes a compromise is in order. However, do not compromise by just giving in to what he wants.

This is a very tricky and tough situation. Telling the husbands that you don't want to watch their kids for them comes across to them as you saying, "I don't want to be with you". They are men, their minds don't work right. Be gentle with him, lol.

Quoting Tracisanchez: Thank you! I should have put that same kind of agreement into place a long time ago! (What does DS stand for?) ..there has been so many fights between us and I always end up looking like the bad guy. Evil step mom who doesn't want the kid around.
Quoting andie646c:

It is not horrible. Why would that be horrible? If he isn't there then why is he jumping at the chance at all?

I know that my husband likes having his kids in his home where he knows they are safe. Whether he is here or not, he feels like they are "safer" where he resides. It makes little logical sense to me.

I did make it very clear, back when he was NCP, that I was not a babysitter. His kids would not be around unless he was around. We had a fight or two about it but he finally came around when I started up and leaving him with my DS. He "got it" at that point.


chanizen
by Platinum Member on May. 8, 2014 at 6:56 AM
Then if "we" are a family, dh should ask you if you are ok with the schedule change and you can say "no, I can't help out" or, "yes but you must see them off to school and be home when they get home because I need a break".

Quoting Tracisanchez: Thank you! I agree! But my husband seems to feel like he is "our" responsibility cuz we are a "family" and I'm home with my 2 boys all the time so my step son should just "fit right in"....not so easy. And I do feel bad asking if he could go to the grandparents or something because then it looks like I'm trying to get rid of him!

Quoting momof2ex1: Nope. It's not horrible of you at all! You aren't expected to love them like your own. For some - it's not possible. He's there to visit his dad. Dad wants extra time - dad should make sure he's going to be available to be with him. Or else he should let mom have the extra time.
WifeyC
by Platinum Member on May. 8, 2014 at 7:55 AM

Tell DH that if he wants extra time then he needs to be there for it.

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