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Perfect Example!

Posted by on May. 8, 2014 at 7:15 PM
  • 62 Replies
Backstory: I'm a BM to 2, CSM to 3, guardian to 2. BF is involved, BMs are not, BM/BF are not.

Today my two DD had doctors appts. Found out both have asthma, and allegries. One has worse asthma, one has worse allergries. DD6 has to be referred out to ped othro, and has axienty. The doc suggested several meds for the asthma and allergies-no Brainers. Also suggested meds for DD6 axienty. That's a big decison. She has axienty because she "has to be perfect", she has sensory processing disorder. So little things stress her out big time, it's also why we have to go to othro. I said we will think about the anti-axienty meds for now.

BF knew they had an appt today. I called him and gave him the rundown. We discussed the pros and cons of the meds, effects, other ways to handle. All rationally and LIKE ADULTS... I am very much against the anti axienty meds at this point. BF agrees. If he hadn't we would have discussed and he would have had to come up with really good arguments for it. If it made sense then I would have changed my mind.

We also discussed summer vacay. BF has no set schedule for visitation. It's up to me because he couldn't get to court. He is very involved (LD) pays his CS on time, and is doubling it of his own accord in July. Because of all this he is getting the girls for the entire summer, at his mom's house.

I hated being married to him, he has several huge flaws. But he LOVES his girls, knows that I am and will always be custodial, is a rational logical human being. And does not let his girlfriend be involved while at the same time acknowledging DH is in a fatherly "role".

Now why can't all the other BP be the same way?!

Lol.. I know some are just batshit. But others are causing so much more stress in their lives unnecessarily- newbie SM trying to take over, BMs who can't or won't coparent (in normal sitchs), BF who want everything handed to them.instead of doing the work themselves... WHY CAN'T WE ALL JUST GET ALONG...

EDITING TO ADD:

BF does not want his gf to interact with DDs. His choice I would be ok. DH does not make parenting decison other than daily things-clean your room, time for school. Anything beyond that is dicussed. BF has said that is is glad and knows that DH "has his back"... and positive male influence is a more appropriate choice of words than fatherly role...

Sorry guys I'm tired. Long week.

Ok so now I won't have to explain that a zillion times.
by on May. 8, 2014 at 7:15 PM
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Replies (1-10):
amantonacci
by Gold Member on May. 8, 2014 at 7:22 PM
I think rah would be nice but why would he have to accept your dh being in a 'fatherly' role?
november117
by Bronze Member on May. 8, 2014 at 7:24 PM
That would never ever happen with my ex. Tried to have an adult convo with him today and he started calling me names ands telling me to stay out of his business.
luckystars2012
by Gold Member on May. 8, 2014 at 7:25 PM
2 moms liked this
I was right with you up till the bit about how his girlfriend can't be involved but he has to accept your husband as a father.
thecircus8
by Silver Member on May. 8, 2014 at 7:31 PM
Logically he is one the other in of the country from DDs. He talks to them almost every day, and is involved with the school.

However he knows that he won't be the one sitting on the couch for a first date, teaching them how to swim. Bei NH there day to day.

BF is happy that DH "has his back" on his own words. He does not have to accept anything, nor is DH Daddy. DH is DH and very occasionally Dad. BF and DH has very clear and accepted roles for DDs. Fatherly role maybe isn't the right word, positive male influence is more fitting.

BF could not handle being 50/50 or EOWE. He is inherently selfish, and knows it. But he does love his girls.


Quoting amantonacci: I think rah would be nice but why would he have to accept your dh being in a 'fatherly' role?
thecircus8
by Silver Member on May. 8, 2014 at 7:33 PM
Lol.. I realized that as soon as I posted.

BF has said he does not WANT his gf involved. He says that DH "has his back".

I would be ok with a longterm gf interacting with the girls, BF is not...

I am on mobile so I cant edit!


Quoting luckystars2012: I was right with you up till the bit about how his girlfriend can't be involved but he has to accept your husband as a father.
HopesNDreams
by Silver Member on May. 8, 2014 at 7:36 PM
Quoting luckystars2012: I was right with you up till the bit about how his girlfriend can't be involved but he has to accept your husband as a father.


Her DH is with these kids full time, all year long. BF is LD and has vacation visits. In what way should his temporary girlfriends be equal to DH?
thecircus8
by Silver Member on May. 8, 2014 at 7:38 PM
I fixed it. Lol... BF knows DH is the male adult in the house. And he is totally fine with it.

BF also made the decison when we were discussing summer vacay that he does not want his gf-long term for him 7 months, to interact with the girls...


Quoting HopesNDreams:
Quoting luckystars2012: I was right with you up till the bit about how his girlfriend can't be involved but he has to accept your husband as a father.


Her DH is with these kids full time, all year long. BF is LD and has vacation visits. In what way should his temporary girlfriends be equal to DH?
HopesNDreams
by Silver Member on May. 8, 2014 at 7:42 PM
Quoting thecircus8: I fixed it. Lol... BF knows DH is the male adult in the house. And he is totally fine with it.

BF also made the decison when we were discussing summer vacay that he does not want his gf-long term for him 7 months, to interact with the girls...


Quoting HopesNDreams:
Quoting luckystars2012: I was right with you up till the bit about how his girlfriend can't be involved but he has to accept your husband as a father.


Her DH is with these kids full time, all year long. BF is LD and has vacation visits. In what way should his temporary girlfriends be equal to DH?


When I was first dating DH, he was having his daughter for her summer visit. I remember saying to him 'see you in August!' I wanted no part of meeting her so soon or 'family time' or any of that. It's too confusing for kids with LD parents. Plus, they get so little time as it is - why waste any of it on some strange woman!
thecircus8
by Silver Member on May. 8, 2014 at 7:49 PM
1 mom liked this
Yep. I was going to let him make that decision, thought. Over a year and serious I probably wouldn't mind. BF is pretty much incapable of long term relationships however, he NEEDS to be in a relationship. I told DH that I was almost 100% certain he was going to say that. BF won't even let her see the girls on Skype when he is talking to them. He goes into another room. Again his choice totally. I have no problem with her just sitting to the side and watching. The girls are awesome and cute! Like I said he is selfish, immature and can't keep it in his pants however he adores, loves and almost always has the girls best interests in mind. So I can parent with him, no problems. And he can parent with me because I don't cause problems.

Quoting HopesNDreams:
Quoting thecircus8: I fixed it. Lol... BF knows DH is the male adult in the house. And he is totally fine with it.

BF also made the decison when we were discussing summer vacay that he does not want his gf-long term for him 7 months, to interact with the girls...


Quoting HopesNDreams:
Quoting luckystars2012: I was right with you up till the bit about how his girlfriend can't be involved but he has to accept your husband as a father.


Her DH is with these kids full time, all year long. BF is LD and has vacation visits. In what way should his temporary girlfriends be equal to DH?


When I was first dating DH, he was having his daughter for her summer visit. I remember saying to him 'see you in August!' I wanted no part of meeting her so soon or 'family time' or any of that. It's too confusing for kids with LD parents. Plus, they get so little time as it is - why waste any of it on some strange woman!
jules2boys
by Gold Member on May. 8, 2014 at 7:54 PM

If you can figure out how to get BF and SM to grow up and behave as adults, please, I'm all ears!  Unfortunately this isn't something *I* can control (or I would have! LOL).  It's up to them to decide if/when it'll happen. 

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