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Just a quick question, please answer!

Posted by on May. 9, 2014 at 10:49 AM
  • 34 Replies

 My Dad was diagnosed with cancer and given 6 months to live. We are telling our boys tonight, SS included.

 Before anyone asks, SS is 10, I've been with DH since he was 8 months old. My Dad is a big part of our lives and SS is pretty close to my Dad, so not telling him isn't an option.

 So my question is this. Should we tell BM before we tell SS, just to give her a heads up? Or do we wait and tell her on Sunday when she picks SS up for Mothers Day? I want her to know in case he has any questions or if he gets upset.

Also, off topic, but anyone have any tips for when we tell them? I'm kinda stressing out about it!

by on May. 9, 2014 at 10:49 AM
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Replies (1-10):
WifeyC
by Platinum Member on May. 9, 2014 at 10:59 AM
3 moms liked this

I don't think I would tell him this weekend.  You just found out and I think you should give yourself time to fully process it before you tell the kids.

I'm sorry to hear about your Dad.  That's tough.

RobsPrincess24
by ThePrincess on May. 9, 2014 at 10:59 AM

First off, I'm sorry to hear that you are going through that. It's never easy.

How is the relationship with BM? Are things easy going or is there drama? I think we told my skids about my FIL having cancer first, and then talked to BM about it. They were older though, so they didn't have very many questions. If they had been younger, we probably would have talked to mom first.

As far as when you tell the kids, you never know how they will handle it. When my FIL told us, DH was calm at first and then things got really bad later that night. Let them ask questions, tell them it's ok to cry, that it's ok to talk about it.

Do you all live close to your dad? Will you get to spend as much time as possible with him in the months to come? Ugh. Cancer sucks =(

Polkadotted
by Gold Member on May. 9, 2014 at 11:05 AM
1 mom liked this

I'd wait to tell her. I'd just be honest without a lot of detail unless they ask.  If you don't know answers it's ok to let them know you don't know.

mrsd2013
by Bronze Member on May. 9, 2014 at 11:08 AM
1 mom liked this

 I'm so sorry to hear about your dad!  That is so hard.

I think that if you are ready to talk to the kids then by all means do so.  I think Bm should be aware so that if ss has any questions she can be prepared to answer and help him through this time.  It could be as simple as shooting her a text asking for her support, if you guys are not close.  I would do this at least a day before she is going to see ss again.  So she can mentally prepare. 

Good luck.  And again I'm so sorry!

jlg12678
by Gold Member on May. 9, 2014 at 11:08 AM

I'm sorry about your dad.

I think I would give it a few days before telling any of the kids. You just learned of it and need time to gather your thoughts.

advomom05
by Member on May. 9, 2014 at 11:09 AM
I'm so sorry you are losing your Dad.

Tell BM first, HC or not.

As far as tips, I don't have any specific ones but if SS is a reader possibly a book about dealing with the passing of a loved one? There are ones tailored to cancer.

Quoting Sarahb21:

 My Dad was diagnosed with cancer and given 6 months to live. We are telling our boys tonight, SS included.

 Before anyone asks, SS is 10, I've been with DH since he was 8 months old. My Dad is a big part of our lives and SS is pretty close to my Dad, so not telling him isn't an option.

 So my question is this. Should we tell BM before we tell SS, just to give her a heads up? Or do we wait and tell her on Sunday when she picks SS up for Mothers Day? I want her to know in case he has any questions or if he gets upset.

Also, off topic, but anyone have any tips for when we tell them? I'm kinda stressing out about it!

amantonacci
by Gold Member on May. 9, 2014 at 11:11 AM
I'm sorry about your dad... I would wait on you telling the boys... Give yourself some time to process this info first
pdxmum
by Platinum Member on May. 9, 2014 at 11:15 AM
I'm sorry. I lost my mom last year. SSs were close to her. Slightly different situation since they were 9 and 11 when I married their dad. I always made sure to tell my DDs first any news regarding Grammy.

What is the relationship like with BM? I told her nothing about my mother. Not sure if DH did but since boys were older, she found out about her death from them. And contacted me, yes I know probably just being nice, but I resented it and her "support" was not welcome.

I would wait until you tell SS and then fill BM in.

As far as strategy? Be honest. Be sad. But death is part of life and it just is. Is your dad close by?

Kids are smart. They will know something is up. Tell them sooner rather than later. How old are they all?
ramita
by Silver Member on May. 9, 2014 at 11:21 AM
I'm sorry tour going through this. My aunt was diagnosed with lung cancer recently and given 6 months. She is doing treatment for now to see if it helps in anyway. Is your dad going to? If so you can include that tidbit of information that there is a chance that his meds will help.

As for the Biomom I would definitely inform her with enough time before she sees the kid again to be prepped for any potential questions. Honestly though I'd probably wait until after mother's day because if he's upset about it he may act out that day.
XXanonymousXX
by Bronze Member on May. 9, 2014 at 11:24 AM
When life changing events like this come up for us one BP always tells the other before telling the child. Sometimes it's just a quick text or email, sometimes a call. Just to prepare the other parent for any questions on the part of the child. It's easier on the child, especially in a sitch like illness, to have both households on the same page.

But I would make sure I had fully processed the situation before telling anyone, especially the child.
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