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i guess im in charge...

Posted by on May. 9, 2014 at 10:13 PM
  • 31 Replies
Of monitoring phone calls now..bm relapsed and is back in rehab after being in jail for showing up drunk to probation, we are on vacation in florida(took the girls todisney!) And i started getting calls from a number i didnt recognize and if i dont recognize a # i dont pick up if its important theyll leave a message. Iguess her counselor told her she should call her dd through me instead of through df(he proposed!). Dont really know how i feel about doing this. But i do know if shes rude atall im hanging up because when shes sober she can be decently nice and if shes drinking her judgement is way off and she cant talk to her dd(per court order she needs to be sober for phone calls and visits) so i guess what im asking is would you just say no sorry im not doing that or would you see how it goes first, i kind of think with the history i should just say no. But i am better at judging if shes drunk or not, df tends to give her the benefit of the doubt and thats not in his dds best interest.
by on May. 9, 2014 at 10:13 PM
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Replies (1-10):
Annawest
by Bronze Member on May. 9, 2014 at 10:25 PM

In your situation, I would say no, I am not putting myself there.  It's for DF and BM to figure out how to have a mutually respectful coparenting relationship.

packermom4ever
by Still The Queen on May. 9, 2014 at 10:31 PM
7 moms liked this

Well, her counselor is off his or her rocker. No mother should be told to talk to the child bride of their ex to get to their child. 

sophiesister2
by Bronze Member on May. 9, 2014 at 10:36 PM
Well i get where her counselor is coming from because shes an addict and wants him back so when she talks to him sometimes she gets upset and drinks after (i think thats what happens and why her counselor tried setting this up, she may have left out how awful shes been towards me and how she cant act civil toward me to save her life but idk) but im leaning toward saying thats not my problem. We talked about gwtting his dd a phone and us pay half the bill and bm pay half so she could call her on that but the only problem is we dont want her calling drunk and then his dd gets upset at what she says while drunk. Im on the fence

Quoting Annawest:

In your situation, I would say no, I am not putting myself there.  It's for DF and BM to figure out how to have a mutually respectful coparenting relationship.

sophiesister2
by Bronze Member on May. 9, 2014 at 10:38 PM
The counselor talked to her dad :) so they know im actually one of the more responsible ones in the situation, these are people from real life not cm

Quoting packermom4ever:

Well, her counselor is off his or her rocker. No mother should be told to talk to the child bride of their ex to get to their child. 

XXanonymousXX
by Silver Member on May. 9, 2014 at 10:47 PM
I get that communicating with DH when she isn't over him could cause her to drink. But isn't a goal of staying sober to learn how to function in daily life, with all its obstacles, and not drink? Having you step in and play mediator isn't teaching her the skills she will need in order to co-parent effectively. DH isn't getting back with her, BM is always going to need to communicate with him on some level if they are going to co-parent, she needs to learn how to deal not hide behind you.
Birdseed
by Platinum Member on May. 9, 2014 at 10:55 PM
1 mom liked this

I get that a counselor would want to keep their patient's best interest in mind and if talking to her ex puts her over the edge then that's bad.  But I do not understand why that means YOU should be the contact. 

I think that's insane.  Don't do it. BM and your BF/DF need to communicate with each other in a healthy way.  STAY OUT OF IT.  <----this is the key to happiness.  I'm telling you.  You will ignore it and all but in about oh...4 or 5 years, you'll realize that it's the right thing.


sophiesister2
by Bronze Member on May. 9, 2014 at 11:01 PM
I truly believe she will never aquire those skills and i dont think talking to me will be better, just hearing my dd in the background has sent her over the edge. I get what youre saying completely! Thats a good way to look at it.

Quoting XXanonymousXX: I get that communicating with DH when she isn't over him could cause her to drink. But isn't a goal of staying sober to learn how to function in daily life, with all its obstacles, and not drink? Having you step in and play mediator isn't teaching her the skills she will need in order to co-parent effectively. DH isn't getting back with her, BM is always going to need to communicate with him on some level if they are going to co-parent, she needs to learn how to deal not hide behind you.
HopesNDreams
by Silver Member on May. 9, 2014 at 11:10 PM
3 moms liked this
At this point, you are in a relatively new relationship (congrats on the engagement!) and new to step parenting - that's enough on your plate. You have plenty there to figure out without adding in gauging an addict's sobriety on each phone call. It is far more important for you to focus on the relationships in your house. Also, you really seem to like to push BM's buttons, so the more you stay away from her, the better.

Keep in mind, the therapist's decisions are based on what is best for BM. That does not mean it will be good for you, your new marriage or your family. You are under no obligation to accept this role. I strongly suggest you refuse it. Focus on planning your wedding - find some awesome flower girl dresses for those girls!
jules2boys
by Gold Member on May. 9, 2014 at 11:50 PM
1 mom liked this
If BM is still in love with DF then, IMO her contacting you, the woman her love is with now, will not help her, she'll eventually shift her "trigger" from DF to you. This won't go well. Just say no.
sophiesister2
by Bronze Member on May. 9, 2014 at 11:53 PM
Probably because im the other person with her dd 24/7 but it doesnt make much sense because usually she asks a question regarding me and thats what turns her crazy and upsets her, idk if talking to me directly would help. And yes i will listen to all advice i actually am looking for advice this time ;)

Quoting Birdseed:

I get that a counselor would want to keep their patient's best interest in mind and if talking to her ex puts her over the edge then that's bad.  But I do not understand why that means YOU should be the contact. 

I think that's insane.  Don't do it. BM and your BF/DF need to communicate with each other in a healthy way.  STAY OUT OF IT.  <----this is the key to happiness.  I'm telling you.  You will ignore it and all but in about oh...4 or 5 years, you'll realize that it's the right thing.

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