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Now I am considered a s*** parent ... and I guess they aren't even wrong

Posted by on May. 10, 2014 at 5:16 PM
  • 63 Replies

The saga continues ... but I think the time has come that I need to take the matter to court.

As the regulars on here know, DD13 has been struggling at BF's house (where she stays nearly half of her time). The reason is a crazy SM, the last fall-out we had was when she called DD a "fucking spoiled brat" for not wanting to share her clothes (including underwear), shoes and cosmetics ... this wasn't the first incident of such manner.

I don't speak to SM, we have fairly water-tight CO which bans her from pretty much every involvement concerning DD ... I managed to get this CO because the woman was never quite right in her head, but the more time passes, the worse she gets. Obviously SM is the trigger, but the problem is BF (or the fact that he lacks a pair).

This morning, he returned DD to the yard where we keep our horse ... I was waiting for them so we could quickly muck out and go home ... she is in the middle of revision for her test week.

They arrived, DD was in tears and didn't even greet me ... he dragged her into our storage area and laid into her for about 20 minutes ... I stayed away, since I did not know what it was about. Several other adults, who were in adjacent stables, overheard the conversation.

After 20 minutes, he stormed out and left, DD stumbled out of the storage area and broke down on her knees, sobbing. 4 of her little friends came running, dragged her up and there they stood, for about 5 minutes in a group hug, with a sobbing DD in the middle.

After 5 minutes, I managed to prise her away, and some of the adults joined me to get out of DD what the problem was ..

Well, the problem remains that her stepsisters continue to treat her property as theirs ... they go into her room, take stuff (including personal cosmetics, underwear etc.) ... they don't ask for permission, don't return anything, in fact, DD often finds her brandnew knickers (provided by me) blood-stained in the bathroom bin. On occasions, DD has come back to my house commando, because there were no knickers left for her.

So obviously we all comforted her, she went off to sit next to her horse for about 1 hour ... and was a bit better after that. I was then taken aside by two friends who I respect and trust ... one a mother, one a childless woman in her 60s. Both of them told me that they had no choice but to tell me that unless I stepped in now, I'd be a shitty parent. I couldn't even say anything to the contrary, because they so have a point.

Problem is that DD won't have it ... in fact, initially she was upset about BF's behaviour, but that changed soon when everybody (child and adult) told her she should no longer stay with BF for such long periods of time. She got even more upset, because they "didn't know the true him", because they were misjudging him ... she is obviously blocking out the fact that such melt-downs are quite common, and that they have witnessed many of them.

So ... we have no valid CO which governs the time-split ... according to the last CO, any visitation is down to me. I have decided that, against DD's wishes, I will limit contact to EOWE and half of all holidays. BF will have access to DD whenever he wants, he is, however, NOT to take her to the home he shares with SM and her children unless they are gone.

I am willing to fight this in court ... I've got plenty of written evidence, including pages of correspondence regarding the incident where SM called DD a "fucking spoiled brat" (by the way, she had no reason to do so ... according to BF, she just did it to hurt him). I have, however, a child which does not want to stop the current arrangement. What do I do?

by on May. 10, 2014 at 5:16 PM
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Replies (1-10):
Tinkerbellmama
by Platinum Member on May. 10, 2014 at 5:26 PM

I think your DD loves her dad, and that's great. However, I think her problem is, if you force this issue of SM being a psychotic wench and BD allowing it, your DD thinks that it'll put her dad into a situation where he has to choose between his wife and his daughter. I think your DD is scared BD will chose SM and that'll be the end.


I think it's long past time that you step in and do something. My SD's situation isn't quite as bad as your DD's, and DH doesn't have quite as much proof, but he's working with a counselor to help SD (thankfully my SD only sees BM EOWE).

Anyways, yes, you need to do something. It's your job as a parent to protect your child, even in a situation where your child doesn't feel they need to be protected.

oldproatthis
by Silver Member on May. 10, 2014 at 5:26 PM
1 mom liked this
I think your child needs help, professional, she does NOT see her REAL father, who would be protecting her...like many SKs of members here who idolize and put on a pedestal a BM who does not protect or take good care of them your DD is under the same spell from her father...she is brainwashed ion being the dutiful daughter and "earning " his love...no parental love should come at such a cost and trauma that she is broken down that often...she is not seeing it...you WANT to trust your daughter...she's still a child...what people who care, but hae no vested interest are telling you objectively...this has turns pathologic...it IS time to deal with this, despite your distaste for conflict. She is not clear headed...she's being tormented by a parent.
annabellelee
by on May. 10, 2014 at 5:30 PM
7 moms liked this
You were a shit parent when you let him light into her for twenty minutes without even seeing what the issue was. Particularly since you know that there are issues with bad behavior toward her in that household.
Pero3
by Silver Member on May. 10, 2014 at 5:41 PM

Personally, I cannot even disagree with you ... but the problem is, what is the issue ... or is it MY issue?

I personally do consider it one, and many of the regulars on here agree ... but, he is her father, we are separated, and he has the right to implement his own ideas on parenting (whether they are his or SM's isn't even relevant here).

In the past, there have been several posters on here who held the view that what's in the house should be happily shared. So ... who is right? Which approach is the correct one?

Quoting annabellelee: You were a shit parent when you let him light into her for twenty minutes without even seeing what the issue was. Particularly since you know that there are issues with bad behavior toward her in that household.

 

annabellelee
by on May. 10, 2014 at 5:49 PM
1 mom liked this
Staying out of every little squabble with the other parent is absolutely reasonable, biting your tongue when you disagree with the other parent is usually reasonable, unless the other household has clearly crossed the line from different or odd, even slightly rigid, to abusive. They seem to not have crossed the line so much as pole vaulted over it.

It is your issue because it is unquestionably causing harm, not just hue feelings or inconvenience to your daughter.

Quoting Pero3: Personally, I cannot even disagree with you ... but the problem is, what is the issue ... or is it MY issue?
I personally do consider it one, and many of the regulars on here agree ... but, he is her father, we are separated, and he has the right to implement his own ideas on parenting (whether they are his or SM's isn't even relevant here).
In the past, there have been several posters on here who held the view that what's in the house should be happily shared. So ... who is right? Which approach is the correct one?
Quoting annabellelee: You were a shit parent when you let him light into her for twenty minutes without even seeing what the issue was. Particularly since you know that there are issues with bad behavior toward her in that household.
 
Pero3
by Silver Member on May. 10, 2014 at 5:53 PM

 My problem is that I still do not know what will be causing more harm ... no contact with her father (which it will result in, because he will not be dictated the nature of contact ... that's why we have no CO, because he refused the CO a judge offered), or continued exposure to this bullshit?

Quoting annabellelee: Staying out of every little squabble with the other parent is absolutely reasonable, biting your tongue when you disagree with the other parent is usually reasonable, unless the other household has clearly crossed the line from different or odd, even slightly rigid, to abusive. They seem to not have crossed the line so much as pole vaulted over it. It is your issue because it is unquestionably causing harm, not just hue feelings or inconvenience to your daughter.

 

oldproatthis
by Silver Member on May. 10, 2014 at 5:58 PM
4 moms liked this
Pero, you really have to ask this? You and others had to pick your puddle of a sobbing daughter up off the ground...and you're asking if it's your issue?

I think both you and your daughter need professional help...she has a pathologic relationship with her other parent in his home and IS suffering mental abuse and you have very fluid confused boundaries...rigid ones with SM as appropriate, but which ARE failing due to your lack of ANY boundaries with your ex...

You have no boundaries with your ex, and he has none in turn with SM, so she is being allowed free reign to abuse the hell mentally out of your daughter in her home...all the CO'd rules you've put in place about decisions SM can and can't make don't touch her home...and your ex isn't protecting her at all, hems defending SM who is mentally abusing her...The ONLY way to help her is to put up boundaries IN the home your ex isn't...easiest by not letting her be with SM at all to be abused and then unprotected.

Quoting Pero3:

Personally, I cannot even disagree with you ... but the problem is, what is the issue ... or is it MY issue?


I personally do consider it one, and many of the regulars on here agree ... but, he is her father, we are separated, and he has the right to implement his own ideas on parenting (whether they are his or SM's isn't even relevant here).


In the past, there have been several posters on here who held the view that what's in the house should be happily shared. So ... who is right? Which approach is the correct one?


Quoting annabellelee: You were a shit parent when you let him light into her for twenty minutes without even seeing what the issue was. Particularly since you know that there are issues with bad behavior toward her in that household.

 

annabellelee
by on May. 10, 2014 at 6:17 PM
2 moms liked this
This.

Also the "you just don't understand the real him" is absolutely classic for a victim of abuse. The dynamics of their relationship are harming her and grooming her to be treated in the exact same way by future romantic partners. She needs counseling tout de suite and protection from him until she learns how to protect herself from abusers,

Quoting oldproatthis: Pero, you really have to ask this? You and others had to pick your puddle of a sobbing daughter up off the ground...and you're asking if it's your issue?

I think both you and your daughter need professional help...she has a pathologic relationship with her other parent in his home and IS suffering mental abuse and you have very fluid confused boundaries...rigid ones with SM as appropriate, but which ARE failing due to your lack of ANY boundaries with your ex...

You have no boundaries with your ex, and he has none in turn with SM, so she is being allowed free reign to abuse the hell mentally out of your daughter in her home...all the CO'd rules you've put in place about decisions SM can and can't make don't touch her home...and your ex isn't protecting her at all, hems defending SM who is mentally abusing her...The ONLY way to help her is to put up boundaries IN the home your ex isn't...easiest by not letting her be with SM at all to be abused and then unprotected.

Quoting Pero3:

Personally, I cannot even disagree with you ... but the problem is, what is the issue ... or is it MY issue?


I personally do consider it one, and many of the regulars on here agree ... but, he is her father, we are separated, and he has the right to implement his own ideas on parenting (whether they are his or SM's isn't even relevant here).


In the past, there have been several posters on here who held the view that what's in the house should be happily shared. So ... who is right? Which approach is the correct one?


Quoting annabellelee: You were a shit parent when you let him light into her for twenty minutes without even seeing what the issue was. Particularly since you know that there are issues with bad behavior toward her in that household.

 

Pero3
by Silver Member on May. 10, 2014 at 6:20 PM

The problem is the puddle, who refuses to cooperate.

I have discussed this with DF, and I have taken legal advice. I might end up in court, they might call the puddle, and the puddle might say "oh, it isn't all that bad".

A judge will then have to decide whether my evidence should supersede DD's wishes ... now remember,this isn't the US. We don't do counsellors the way the US does.

Quoting oldproatthis: Pero, you really have to ask this? You and others had to pick your puddle of a sobbing daughter up off the ground...and you're asking if it's your issue? I think both you and your daughter need professional help...she has a pathologic relationship with her other parent in his home and IS suffering mental abuse and you have very fluid confused boundaries...rigid ones with SM as appropriate, but which ARE failing due to your lack of ANY boundaries with your ex... You have no boundaries with your ex, and he has none in turn with SM, so she is being allowed free reign to abuse the hell mentally out of your daughter in her home...all the CO'd rules you've put in place about decisions SM can and can't make don't touch her home...and your ex isn't protecting her at all, hems defending SM who is mentally abusing her...The ONLY way to help her is to put up boundaries IN the home your ex isn't...easiest by not letting her be with SM at all to be abused and then unprotected.

 

Pero3
by Silver Member on May. 10, 2014 at 6:22 PM

 Ironically, I have just written him an email asking him whether he intends to re-write the story. I've asked him for his version of events ... fully knowing that I will not get it.

Quoting mb1111:

Sounds like the evil SM and stepsisters in Cinderella.  Sad.  Yes you should step in in my opinion.

 

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