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Not So 'Happy' Mother's Day

Posted by on May. 11, 2014 at 11:19 PM
  • 25 Replies

Today was my first official Stepmama Day. I married my husband last May and have been living with him and his 2 kids (9 and 12) for 2 years. When I woke up today I was suprised by 2 really touching Mother's Day cards. I was excited and posted a picture of the note written in the 9 year old's card. "You make me happy when I see you, I feel like dancing and sometimes I do. You are the best mom ever! I love you! Happy Mother's Day! Your Daughter, Cassie." I thought that was such a sweet note that I'd share it. Well... BIG MISTAKE! I forgot that the kid's birth mom's mom is on Fbook and she logs in to spy on me. Literally within' 5 minutes she saw the post and has been pissed ever since. She has called my husband at least 4 times today and he's had to talk her down, which pisses ME off because I feel like he's constantly having to be her therapist. He says he does it to maintain peace between the three of us, but I can't help but feel jealous. Because of this stupid card business, which she thinks I did out of spite and gloating, she is refusing to communicate with me about the kid's schedule, which is what we've been doing for the last 9 months. I tried calling her and texting her to appologize for the misunderstanding, but she is an angry person who is a professional grudge-holder so it's not helping. I'm concerned because I have such a great relationship with both of my stepkids and I don't want this to ruin it. I have put those kids 1st these past 2 years; I make it to all the soccer games and I help with school parties. I am not trying to take over the role of the mother, I just genuinely love the kids and want to be involved. I wish there was a way for us both to be more understanding of each other's roles but I don't know how to do that. There is a lot of stress on my marriage now because we're trying to get pregnant, and this is not helping. I'm starting to wonder how I'm going to last as a stepmom if I take everything so personal. 

Thanks for lettin me vent! I don't know any other stepparents so I feel overwhelmed and alone a lot. 

by on May. 11, 2014 at 11:19 PM
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by Platinum Member on May. 11, 2014 at 11:24 PM

yeah, this is why I don't post stuff like that anymore. Hopefully it blows over.  Did the kids get her anything?

by Ruby Member on May. 12, 2014 at 12:07 AM
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I hope you have deleted her mother from Facebook by now.

I think that it would appear to mom that you are trying to take over the mom role. You posted on FB a card you received on your first ever stepmama day which stated 'you are the best mom ever'. You do school parties and are involved in everything. That's terrific - the kids love you. But can you see how that may be hurtful to their mother? It's not your fault at all that they feel that way. You can't stop them from loving you but you could probably not add salt to the wound. And that could be prevented by making sure that moms family is not on your Facebook. And set your setting to private so she can't have a glimpse in to your life anymore.

I have to be honest that as a mom, it would hurt my feelings for my child to say that someone else is the best mom ever. It would hurt me because I feel like I do my best to be the best mom to my kids. I'm not perfect. But I do try. So yeah I'm not going to lie - that would hurt me. But I don't think I would be mad at anyone. Not even my kids. I am an introvert and so I don't flip out when I'm hurt. I internalize - I just tend to handle things quietly. If I were her, it would cause me to look at myself real closely and what did I do to cause my child to feel that someone else is the best mom ever?

I don't think you need to feel jealous over your husband talking her off a ledge. She is hurting because of what she saw. I don't blame her but I do think that your husband could set up boundaries and refer her to an actual therapist and stop being one for her.

It sounds like she doesn't see the kids much if they spent Mother's Day with you. That would be a source of hurt as well. Her kids spent Mother's Day with another woman who they have now deemed the 'best mom ever'. I think if I were you I might feel a little more sympathy for her. Obviously her relationship with her kids is not very strong and that is very sad. I would not feel jealous of that at all.
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by Ruby Member on May. 12, 2014 at 12:12 AM
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I also would stop trying to communicate with her about the kids schedule. At this point - you can bet that she feels competition. You have been deemed a better mother to her child - the best mom ever - and so from this point forward - if I were you - I would have your dh handle her. He needs to work out the schedule. I am not saying she is right - but in her eyes this has started a war.

What is the custody arrangement?
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by ThePrincess on May. 12, 2014 at 2:12 AM
If your DH had to talk her down to maintain the peace, and you say BM is an angry person who is a professional grudge holder, it sounds like you have a high conflict situation. So, if that's the case, why do you have mom's mom on your FB? Or why is your FB accessible for her to see?
by on May. 12, 2014 at 7:21 AM

welp, you apologized, so give her some time to forgive you. And let your husband handle the schedule. And think next time before you do something like that again. Live and learn.

by Ruby Member on May. 12, 2014 at 7:29 AM
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this is exactly why BM and my inlaws are banned from my FB-because it got to the point that no matter what I posted-there's was high conflict.

Esp when I deleted and blocked them.

by on May. 12, 2014 at 9:45 AM

Thanks for the advice. She had asked me to add her mom and I knew it was so she could spy on me, but I honestly forgot that she was on there. I am trying to be more understanding, I just wish we could both do that. Thanks again

by Bronze Member on May. 12, 2014 at 11:47 AM

Ha! SD asked if I would be BM's friend on facebook. I said that BM would have to request, and if she did I would be happy to accept... That was years ago, and it still hasn't happened!

by Bronze Member on May. 12, 2014 at 12:26 PM
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I do not have BM, her parents, nor my inlaws on facebook.  My privacy settings are such that you won't learn much about me unless you are a friend.  Now that being said, I also do not post anything about SS on facebook.  Not my kid, not my decision and I do not want to invade his privacy or start a snooping contest.  

I would keep BM's mom as a friend on facebook, but limit what she can see.  I also wouldn't post anything about the stepkids.  I realize this may be difficult, especially when you want to share in milestones and what not, but it truly does help with keeping the peace.  

by on May. 12, 2014 at 12:44 PM
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I just don't understand why I shouldn't be allowed to share milestones and good memories? I have made a lot of changes in my life to accomadate my husband, the birth mom and the kids. That is my life now. I'm friends with all of my husband's family on fbook and that is the only way they get to see anything about the kids. They love seeing photos and hearing about what we're doing. The only reason that I added her mom is because I have nothing to hide, and I don't feel like I'm doing anything wrong. I'll admit that it was insensitive to post that yesterday, but I did that only because it made me feel happy to be included in that day. Am I so wrong to feel that way? My facebook consists of family and my close friends, I'm not posting out to 300 acquaintances. I understand that I need to keep her feelings in mind and be sensitive, but why doesn't anybody care about MY feelings? I have gone from single and childless to married with 2 kids and that is really hard. I don't have any friends who have gone through this. I feel like I am constantly having to put everybody's feelings and well being above my own. Why is that? Even on here everybody is so quick to point out that I was in the wrong and that I need to change how I'm doing everything. I'm learning all of this as I go, and it's really hard to have all of the responsibilities of a parent but not be allowed to be acknowledged as one. My husband is military, he's gone every few months and I have the kids by myself during that time. Which means that I sometimes I have to be a single mom! But we can't say "mom."

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