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Debating what to tell DH regarding his kids and a convo I had yesterday.

Posted by on May. 12, 2014 at 10:59 AM
  • 21 Replies

Assuming most people know the background so omitting that but will answer questions.

I called MIL yesterday to wish her a happy MD.  The kids had been over to visit earlier in the day.  MIL said she was concerned because SDs told her that BM had taken them to visit a new school.  MIL said that the kids acted like they weren't sure if they were supposed to be telling her or not so she asked me what I knew about the situation. Both DH and I have talked to the kids since their visit and neither have mentioned it to us.

What I'm debating is whether or not to get DH all worked up by mentioning this school visit or if I should keep it under my hat til BM or the kids tell him themselves.  I really don't know what, if anything, can or should be done.  DH will be back in the US in June for a week though so if he wants to pursue anything legally, now would probably be the time to start looking into options.  I just don't want him to get all worked up unnecessarily.

Additional info:

About a month or more ago, BM emailed DH and told him that she was thinking about moving closer to her job 45 min away and asked that he "talk up" the move to the girls and that she would let him know what she decided.  We've had no additional communication from BM about this.

Normally, this would seem like a logical idea.  No one enjoys commuting 45-60 minutes each way if they can avoid it.  But in BM's case, none of us are so sure this is a good thing.  I did research the school and it's good.  But....

1) BM relies heavily on DH's nearby family to get the kids to/from things now that we are not in town.  Just in the last week, my MIL and SIL have taken SD14 to the ortho, picked SD16 up from a school dance, taken SD16 to her meet in another town, and kept the kids for an overnight--all very last minute requests.  My SIL has 4 kids of her own and my MIL/FIL have pretty busy lives.  Doing something in town 5 min away is one thing and they do it a lot.  45 min away, they're not going to be able to help. Per MIL and SIL.

2) This is the first job in gosh...20 some years?  that BM has kept for longer than a few months.  Which is great.  Really happy for her that she's got something she enjoys.  But should she lose this job, the town she's looking to move to really doesn't have a lot of other options.  The business she works for is pretty much the only show in town and she'd then be 1.5 hours away from either of the two closest "big" towns with jobs.

3) BM spends a lot of time out with friends.  Currently, that means that she is in a town about an hour away.  If that continues, she'll then be nearly 2 hours away from the kids when she's out and about.  So I don't see this improving the amount of time she spends with the kids.  It's not at all uncommon for the kids to be home alone til 9:30 or 10 at night on a weeknight and later on weekends (I only know this because the kids call/skype with me and Dad at night and Mom is not home).  At least being near to our inlaws, they have people to call in an emergency or people to check in on them.

4) The last issue is that the whole reason the kids didn't come with us when we moved was that the CO clearly states that the kids cannot be moved outside of the school district without consent from both parents. It had been verbally agreed upon that the kids would be allowed to move overseas with us but BM has been ratcheting that back and has gone as far as saying it's a no go altogether.  

BM has a tendency to get very excited about something and then flake out.  So we really didn't get too concerned about the email a month or so ago.  She has "threatened" to move in the past but that was when we lived there and she planned to leave the kids with us in home town.    Now I'm just not sure what makes sense.

I don't want DH to get all stressed out about it.  But it seems to me like if she's taking the kids to visit the school, this has gone from conceptual to might actually happen.

by on May. 12, 2014 at 10:59 AM
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Replies (1-10):
ladybugchick317
by on May. 12, 2014 at 11:28 AM

 I would tell dh that this is what was said and ask him how he wants to go about handling the situation. He needs to call his atty and tell them that she is planning on moving and does not have his approval.

Birdseed
by Platinum Member on May. 12, 2014 at 11:38 AM

I'm honestly not sure that there is any recourse to prevent her from moving given that we have moved outside the school district.  But it probably would create a situation where custody could be on the table again.  At this time, DH is posted overseas for an unaccompanied tour--like a deployment--it's in an area deemed too dangerous for families to accompany.

Before we moved, the kids were with us more than 50% of the time though.  And they could've moved with us out of state.  But they didn't want to switch schools.  BM really didn't want to keep them at that time but has done better than anyone could've imagined.  Have to give her props for that.  The kids are doing really well.

Quoting ladybugchick317:

 I would tell dh that this is what was said and ask him how he wants to go about handling the situation. He needs to call his atty and tell them that she is planning on moving and does not have his approval.


whatIknownow
by Emerald Member on May. 12, 2014 at 11:58 AM

I would just wait and see what happens. Probably, it won't pan out. Why worry about something that hasn't happened yet and probably won't happen.

pepper504
by Platinum Member on May. 12, 2014 at 12:14 PM

What I would do?  I would wait and see if this actually comes into fruition.  Summer is almost here and the school year is almost over.   Wait it out and see what she does.  She HAS to have your DH's consent to move the kids out of the school district.

Birdseed
by Platinum Member on May. 12, 2014 at 12:15 PM

That's what I told MIL yesterday.  There's a long history of these pick up and go, excited about job type things with BM.  However, the school visit offers a bit more ...ah, can't think of a word...maybe validity?

DH has a lot on his plate right now and it's about to get even more complicated at work so I really hate to worry him about something that is not a sure thing.  But then again, if he wants to preemptively do something, he's needs to know. 

Ultimately, I don't think he can (or will) stop BM from moving if that's what she wants to do.  But it does create a scenario where the safety net is gone on her end and the door is much more wide open for him to pursue full custody.  And if he chose to do that, he'd need to get things rolling now so there was a chance of being in court when he's back in the state.

Quoting whatIknownow:

I would just wait and see what happens. Probably, it won't pan out. Why worry about something that hasn't happened yet and probably won't happen.


Birdseed
by Platinum Member on May. 12, 2014 at 12:18 PM

I'm not sure about that.  I would think that since he moved, it's now invalidated.  He clearly can't keep the kids in the same district with him.  See, I'm just not sure how this legal crap works. 

MIL did say that SD16 is open to the idea and SD14 is not at all. When we last discussed the move overseas, we got similar.  SD14 has done a 180 and doesn't want to change schools period.  SD16 has also done a 180 and is now the one all excited to go anywhere...they're just at those ages where their ideas, wants, and needs can change on a dime. 


Quoting pepper504:

What I would do?  I would wait and see if this actually comes into fruition.  Summer is almost here and the school year is almost over.   Wait it out and see what she does.  She HAS to have your DH's consent to move the kids out of the school district.


whatIknownow
by Emerald Member on May. 12, 2014 at 12:50 PM

Maybe they were in the area so they stopped in the school. Who knows?

I don't think there is anything pre-emptive that he can do. If mom moves, then she moves. What can you do? I don't think he can stop her. Her lack of a safety net doesn't leave the door open for a custody change.  And certainly no judge is going to force a custody change if it's not what the kids want, given the ages of the kids.

Quoting Birdseed:

That's what I told MIL yesterday.  There's a long history of these pick up and go, excited about job type things with BM.  However, the school visit offers a bit more ...ah, can't think of a word...maybe validity?

DH has a lot on his plate right now and it's about to get even more complicated at work so I really hate to worry him about something that is not a sure thing.  But then again, if he wants to preemptively do something, he's needs to know. 

Ultimately, I don't think he can (or will) stop BM from moving if that's what she wants to do.  But it does create a scenario where the safety net is gone on her end and the door is much more wide open for him to pursue full custody.  And if he chose to do that, he'd need to get things rolling now so there was a chance of being in court when he's back in the state.

Quoting whatIknownow:

I would just wait and see what happens. Probably, it won't pan out. Why worry about something that hasn't happened yet and probably won't happen.



Birdseed
by Platinum Member on May. 12, 2014 at 12:55 PM

She took them out of school on Friday and took them to work with her to visit the school.  So it wasn't  just a drop by in the area.

I agree with you on the rest.  Although, it does leave a door open for a custody change (if the kids are hip to it) because she can't use the argument for keeping them from dad because "they can't be moved out of district" if she is moving out of district.


Quoting whatIknownow:

Maybe they were in the area so they stopped in the school. Who knows?

I don't think there is anything pre-emptive that he can do. If mom moves, then she moves. What can you do? I don't think he can stop her. Her lack of a safety net doesn't leave the door open for a custody change.  And certainly no judge is going to force a custody change if it's not what the kids want, given the ages of the kids.

Quoting Birdseed:

That's what I told MIL yesterday.  There's a long history of these pick up and go, excited about job type things with BM.  However, the school visit offers a bit more ...ah, can't think of a word...maybe validity?

DH has a lot on his plate right now and it's about to get even more complicated at work so I really hate to worry him about something that is not a sure thing.  But then again, if he wants to preemptively do something, he's needs to know. 

Ultimately, I don't think he can (or will) stop BM from moving if that's what she wants to do.  But it does create a scenario where the safety net is gone on her end and the door is much more wide open for him to pursue full custody.  And if he chose to do that, he'd need to get things rolling now so there was a chance of being in court when he's back in the state.

Quoting whatIknownow:

I would just wait and see what happens. Probably, it won't pan out. Why worry about something that hasn't happened yet and probably won't happen.




whatIknownow
by Emerald Member on May. 12, 2014 at 1:01 PM

Honestly I don't think he has any chance at being awarded custody. There would have to be some real downgrade in the quality of life at Mom's house for that to happen, *or* the kids would have to want to move there.  Of course he would have to return to this country and get a job here first. By then they will be settled in to their new town (if they move). I agree with your suspicion that the no-moving clause is null and void at this point.

Quoting Birdseed:

She took them out of school on Friday and took them to work with her to visit the school.  So it wasn't  just a drop by in the area.

I agree with you on the rest.  Although, it does leave a door open for a custody change (if the kids are hip to it) because she can't use the argument for keeping them from dad because "they can't be moved out of district" if she is moving out of district.


jules2boys
by Gold Member on May. 12, 2014 at 1:09 PM

I wouldn't say anything to him.  IF he calls his mom, let HER tell him, or not, since she's the one who heard it from one of her GDs.  Stop begging for trouble with your DH Bird.  :) 

But, on the BM side, she's not one for much follow-through.  I'd let it go on that alone.  If you do tell DH, and he does contact his lawyer, that's money spent that doesn't need to be.  He could do all the work, get all his ducks in a row and be prepared to go to court when he's 'there' in June, only to have BM 'unavailable' and ask for a postponement.  Then what would DH do?  He can't be there at another time, right? 

And, what does he have to offer against her moving?  He's already moved.  He can't prevent BM from moving just as she couldn't prevent him from moving.  If she moves, is he willing/able to move back to keep the girls in same schools?  (I know this answer) 

Worst case scenario... BM DOES move with the girls, gets them into this new school, is closer ot her job, etc.  And what?  She must be there for the girls because no one else is now that she moved away from her 2nd support system (you and DH being her first).  The girls are unhappy being in a new place, alone all the time, if BM isn't home.  Those girls are more than capable of complaining if things aren't going well.  They can always chose another place to live too.  (with GPs, aunt, or even you I suppose)  Would BM fight this?  It's doubtful at this stage.  (remember, I'm talking worst case here, and a lot of 'what ifs' in play) 

No, I wouldn't say anything to DH since you have such limited time to talk to him anyway.  Let his mom speak to him, email him, whatever, and get it out there if SHE, who's right there and heard the talk, feels it's warranted in letting DH know, but otherwise, keep it in the place you keep those things (or should keep them) that BM says but never does/follows through on. 

It's a LOT of work to pack up and move, 3 people, 2 teens, and start over.  I don't see BM having that in her really.  I can totally see her WANTING to do it, but I don't see her following through with it and dragging the girls along, especially if one isn't really willing to go. 

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