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step daughter wants to call me mom

Posted by on May. 14, 2014 at 3:38 PM
  • 44 Replies

my step daughter asked if she could call me mom she is 4 and has not seen her mom in a year, before that it was only a couple times a year(mom in prison).. her dad and I have left it up to her and told her it was her choice. She has brought it up several times saying she wants to but is scared or just nervous. I have not pushed it our brought it up. Im wondering if there is a good book to help her understand its ok to have 2 mommies and to love us both?

by on May. 14, 2014 at 3:38 PM
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jules2boys
by Gold Member on May. 14, 2014 at 4:38 PM
3 moms liked this

If she's scared or nervous, it doesn't sound like she really wants to call you mom.  Why not suggest you and she come up with another special name for you that's not mom/mommy instead? 

SM in my situation insisted the boys call her mom.  I hated it.  I let it go because it was causing my boys stress and fighting her on it wasn't a hill I'd die on (though I still hated it, to 'win' that fight would caused more issues for my boys, and that wouldn't really have been a 'win').    YDS had the hardest issue with this (he got into more trouble for NOT calling SM mom than ODS did.  ODS simply stopped speaking to SM to avoid the issue, but YDS couldn't/wouldn't do that).  So, he finally asked me if he could call me mommy.  I cringed.  I HATE mommy, always have.  But, I said yes because it made HIM happy.  He said SM ruined 'mom' for him but I needed my own name, not the one she took. He called me 'mommy' for about a year.  Then even he didn't like it (thank goodness! LOL).  So, many of his friends are Hispanic in origin so he took to calling me Mamacita, since I'm short. ;)  It's stuck for a few years now. 

Why not a different special name instead since she's having issues with being 'scared' or 'nervous' about it? 

sheilalou
by Member on May. 14, 2014 at 4:54 PM

t hanks for the advise, I have just told her if she wants to its her choice. I think she is trying to figure out in her head that he has a mommy who gave birth to her and then there is me. thats why I asked about a book that might help explain her feelings.

GlockMom
by Gold Member on May. 14, 2014 at 6:01 PM
Mom may come back and take back her place parenting. It's a bad idea.
pdxmum
by Platinum Member on May. 14, 2014 at 6:17 PM
2 moms liked this

But you are not mom.  You are the adult, you make the decisions.  Don't leave such an important thing up to a 4 year old.  She is going to struggle with her relationship with her mom for a long time.  Why would you want to be associated with being this child's mom?  Love her, raise her, support her, be the best SM in the world.  But be SM.  Help her see how special being a SM can be.  No need to be mom.

sheilalou
by Member on May. 14, 2014 at 6:25 PM

Im not telling her she cant call me mom. and Im not telling her to call me mom either.. I cand from a split home and I had 2 dads my step dad and my adopted dad then I have my biological family. so to me calling more than one person mom or dad is not a problem. I have talked to her bio mom and she has told me "To care for her(SD) and love her as she would and be the mom to her that she cant be. and that she has no place in raising SD and is happy SD has me."

sheilalou
by Member on May. 14, 2014 at 6:30 PM

plus I am the only mother figure she knows. her bio mom has only seen her twice a year since she was 6 months old for a brief dinner and only once in the past year... she knows this person is called mom but does not know her or who she is.

sheilalou
by Member on May. 14, 2014 at 6:37 PM
7 moms liked this

"A Mother is not the one who births you but raises you"

leegirl_jm
by Platinum Member on May. 14, 2014 at 6:41 PM

How long is BM's jail term? Is adopting SD an option?

jules2boys
by Gold Member on May. 14, 2014 at 6:49 PM
3 moms liked this

Ok, but consider this.  Say, 10 years down the road this 4yo is now 14, you and DH divorce (I know, I know, it won't happen to YOUR marriage, and many of us have thought the same thing too, but go with me here for a minute).  Now, at 14, this little girl has lost TWO moms in her life.  TWO women she called mom.  One to jail, absence, whatever happens to BM, and one to divorce.  How does that 'benefit' this little girl you love so much now?  Say you don't adopt your SD and something awful (God-forbid) happens to your DH, so you lose custody of her too.  She's still lost two moms.  How is this good for her?  If she places that 'mom' feeling on you/your relationship, and it doesn't stay, that's not a good place for her to be, at ANY age. 

She's FOUR, you really think a 4yo should make a decision like this?  What if she wanted to call you a nasty/bad name? Would that be her decision too? 

I'd still encourage (strongly) coming up with an alternate name for you, something that's special for you both.  I think some of the women on here have that special name that their skids call them and it's special, no one else calls them that, and it still reflects the role the SM plays in the kids lives. 

Just something to consider, think longer into the future than tomorrow on this one. 

andie646c
by Silver Member on May. 14, 2014 at 9:43 PM
1 mom liked this

Unless the woman has a 14+ year jail sentence, I wouldn't let this kid call you mom.

I would, however, use this as an opportunity to start teaching the child how to write letters.

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