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Do no harm. UPDATE

Posted by on May. 15, 2014 at 1:25 PM
  • 105 Replies
10 moms liked this

I have heard that the parent/child relationship can not be influenced by a SP.  Many times here.  Yet I often read about behaviors on the part of a SP that cause significant harm to a child.  A fucking child.

Sending them to jail.

Evicting from family home.

Covering up child's name on a card.


And each one of these posters claims innocence.  No choice.  DHs decision.

If anything, as a SM, we need to do no harm.  We can and should create boundaries to protect ourselves, but those should be passive, never actively damaging to a child.

I am disgusted today by some things I am reading.

These are children.  The children of the man uo claim to love so much.  Be an adult.  You have so much power to harm and hurt these children.  Don't.


UPDATE:

Advice.  Don't post angry.  Your rational argument gets lost in emotion.

I never would advocate for accepting unacceptable behavior in my home.  Setting fire to my home, attacking my child with a weapon, beating me, yes, press charges.  When I asked for an example, I never meant the extreme or obvious.  An old poster who randomly appears has resurfaced.  Of course all her old posts about the specifics are gone, deleted.  But her SS stole the identity of her infant son and she knew if she reported it, he would end up in jail.  She did because she insisted she needed to to protect her son's credit.  Her husband did not want her to.  What she needed were stronger boundaries, not jail time for her SS15.  She had choices.  She chose the one that caused great harm.

i stand firm on my belief that we as SMs have great power to harm our stepchildren.  And of course the opposite holds true.  We can be invaluable assets in our skid's lives.  And many of us can't see that we hold the power both ways.  The vast majority of us though will not go to either extreme.  Most of us are simply loved and respected by the children of the men we love.  I know I impact my skids.  But it is and should be a passive impact.  I bring things to their world just by virtue of living with me that they never experienced with either parent.  

saying Do no harm does not mean be a doormat.  Why do some of you have to be so black and white?  When I say passive impact it does not mean martyr SM or doormat.  It means be a strong woman, know your boundaries and choose a man who respects them.  That is some strong passive impact on skids if they can learn that from me.

by on May. 15, 2014 at 1:25 PM
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Replies (1-10):
andie646c
by Silver Member on May. 15, 2014 at 1:30 PM
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There are plenty of reasons that those things can be necessary. Except the covering up a child's name on a card thing ... not really sure what that means. Must not have read that one.

pdxmum
by Ruby Member on May. 15, 2014 at 1:49 PM

Really?  "Plenty" of reasons?  Name one that outweighs the basic ideal of do no harm.

Quoting andie646c:

There are plenty of reasons that those things can be necessary. Except the covering up a child's name on a card thing ... not really sure what that means. Must not have read that one.


faerie75
by Platinum Member on May. 15, 2014 at 1:53 PM

 what did i miss.

oldproatthis
by Silver Member on May. 15, 2014 at 1:56 PM
1 mom liked this

Violent behavior in an older SK...I have 2 SSs. DH is 6'5"...I'm 5'4"...they take after him...most likely for most of their teen years I will be well outsized by the guys in my home...it's my home...any violence...I will get help from the police...THEY will answer for it, they are old enough already to know better...hell, we live by a prison, SS10 know kids from class who have been pulled from school for violence and is now in the juvy system...these kids are not stupid...I would do it for the reason that DH and I have been the ones raising them so I absolutely KNOW they KNOW better and have been taught better and I personally have warned them of consequences of violence...repeatedly...so if the lesson has to go that far...it goes that far...because I am willing to take it that far for them to learn, violence is a hill to die on for me that I want the children I'm raising to learn...

Quoting pdxmum:

Really?  "Plenty" of reasons?  Name one that outweighs the basic ideal of do no harm.

Quoting andie646c:

There are plenty of reasons that those things can be necessary. Except the covering up a child's name on a card thing ... not really sure what that means. Must not have read that one.

 

 

Birdseed
by Platinum Member on May. 15, 2014 at 2:06 PM
4 moms liked this

In purple....going to play devil's advocate a bit here.  I generally agree with you and I know situations vary but  I think that a SP should at worst, be a neutral party to the whole thing.  Do no harm.  Agreed.

Quoting pdxmum:

I have heard that the parent/child relationship can not be influenced by a SP.  I think that's BS and have said so.  A SP can royally eff up a parent's relationship with a child.  Many times here.  Yet I often read about behaviors on the part of a SP that cause significant harm to a child.  A fucking child.

Sending them to jail. If a step child were to assault a SP or step sibs, don't you think that's reasonable?  To call the police and press charges?  I would do that to my own family if it happened--my blood relatives.  I would not tolerate someone assaulting me in my own home.  Intent is worth noting here however.  There are "small" things that can be trumped up legally.  I'm talking about big things.  If my SD came and held a gun to my head and threatened to kill me, yes...I would call the police and yes, I would press charges.  If my SD came into my home and attacked my (imaginary) children?  Yep...I would take that all the way if I felt that our safety had been compromised in a serious way.

Evicting from family home. Since we all know the background here, it's hard to take this as a hypothetical.  If the BP is happy paying for housing of the other BP and chid and SM comes along and wants that to stop, is it ALWAYS a bad thing?  If you're a millionare and it's no skin off your financial nose, then I do think that's crappy.  But what if that's not the case?  Why can't the BM have some responsibility for housing and other costs?  My DH put himself into financial ruin by continuing to pay BM thousands a month above and beyond CS towards her rent, car, whatever she said she needed when he didn't even have a JOB.  I did put an end to that.  Mostly because there was no way I could do it on my salary and he was out of money.  Our entire savings was gone in under a year because of this.  I didn't find out that the account had been wiped out til 2 days after we were married.  Had I known sooner, I would've stopped it sooner.  It did not affect his relationship with the kids.  It only affected BM having to actually get and keep a job.  Funny how right about the time I said "no more extra" she got and has kept a job. 

Covering up child's name on a card. Must have missed that one and don't know the context. 


And each one of these posters claims innocence.  No choice.  DHs decision. I think it's often NOT something DH came up with on his own. Rather something he was forced to do under threat of shitty home life if not.

If anything, as a SM, we need to do no harm.  We can and should create boundaries to protect ourselves, but those should be passive, never actively damaging to a child. I agree that we should not be damaging to children as SPs.  Like I said, at worst, we should be neutral and passive. 

I am disgusted today by some things I am reading.

These are children.  The children of the man uo claim to love so much.  Be an adult.  You have so much power to harm and hurt these children.  Don't.




leegirl_jm
by Ruby Member on May. 15, 2014 at 2:09 PM
A landlord is not doing harm to a dependent child of a tenant when they issue an eviction, the contract is between the adults.
A minor child has no standing in an eviction, they are dependents of both parents, if one parent is homeless then the child can be placed with the other parent. I am not aware of any SM who has cause a child to be homeless on the board nor has that power.

As for sending a child to jail, that is a legal matter, only law enforcement and the judical could send someone to jail, was the stepchild innocent and the SM lie? If the stepchild committed a crime then they may have to do the time, SM isn't their Mom.
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GlockMom
by Platinum Member on May. 15, 2014 at 2:11 PM
6 moms liked this

I don't understand how anyone can stay married to a person who hates their child so much.

LyndaLoo78
by Skeletor on May. 15, 2014 at 2:25 PM


Quoting GlockMom:

I don't understand how anyone can stay married to a person who hates their child so much.

I cannot fathom getting to the point of marriage to a person who hates my children.  How does THAT happen???

KreatingMe
by Member on May. 15, 2014 at 2:28 PM

 Right. I sure as hell wouldn't! It really makes you wonder about dad.

Quoting GlockMom:

I don't understand how anyone can stay married to a person who hates their child so much.

 

OvrMyHead
by Silver Member on May. 15, 2014 at 2:50 PM

I'm missing where the hateful posts were.

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