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Why do I seem to be the focus of all the lies?

Posted by on May. 18, 2014 at 7:40 AM
  • 12 Replies

So I am csm to sd13 and ss18. Sd is not mentally stable and was suicidal last year. Sd and I have always been close. In fact in the suicude note she thanked me for being her best friend.

Lately, She lies all the time, and about everything from little things to big things. She was recently caught doing a lot of things she shouldn't so all her electronics were removed. As I went through them, there were lies about how I called her a whore and said she doesn't deserve to live in our house, how I drug test her and then scream at her...first of all, none of which are even close to being true. But why me? Why does she paint me as the evil step mom and never mentions either of her parents? 

I confronted her about the whore comment and how hurt I was to read that. She has no excuses as to why she did that and apologized a few times to me, but she just did it again. I found her with an iPod that a friend had given her yesterday and on it was more lies about me and how evil I am. I warned her that some of the things she was saying about me could get me in trouble ...but I guess she doesn't care...i am really concerned that someone at some point will see these terrible things and then CPS will get called..what should I do?

by on May. 18, 2014 at 7:40 AM
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Replies (1-10):
kmur
by Bronze Member on May. 18, 2014 at 8:01 AM
Have you sat her down, just you and her and asked her WHY all the lies? Where's her mom? How often does she see her mom? How's her relationship with her mom?same questions for dad. ..
teaching_kids
by Bronze Member on May. 18, 2014 at 8:26 AM
Get her the professional help she needs. If she's pathologically lying in this way and suicidal - she totally needs professional help.
Also, there are probably other ways to handle her due to her illness that you could probably get some professional help as well. So that you have access to how to handle things
What's the strory with her mom?
zannahdeux
by Silver Member on May. 18, 2014 at 8:29 AM

Yes. She didn't know why...but that is her answer for everything. After therapy she said she was doing it to make the other people feel better about their home life...but I think that is a lie. I think she is doing it to get people to feel sorry for her and to get attention.

her relationship with her mom is rocky. She so desperately wants her mom to be a mom, but bm treats her more like a friend and is very different then sd. Bm is much more emotionally reserved and sd wears her heart in her sleeve so they don't communicate well and sd is often disappointed by bm. She sees her eowe.

sd is very close to dh but he is often confused by 13 year old female ways and easily gets frustrated with her. She will tell him the truth about everything though. They have always been close.

Quoting kmur: Have you sat her down, just you and her and asked her WHY all the lies? Where's her mom? How often does she see her mom? How's her relationship with her mom?same questions for dad. ..


zannahdeux
by Silver Member on May. 18, 2014 at 8:31 AM

She is already in therapy and has been there for a year but she lies, or leaves things out with the therapist too unless an adult is there to discuss it first. You can lead a horse to therapy but you can't make it talk....

Quoting teaching_kids: Get her the professional help she needs. If she's pathologically lying in this way and suicidal - she totally needs professional help. Also, there are probably other ways to handle her due to her illness that you could probably get some professional help as well. So that you have access to how to handle things What's the strory with her mom?


chanizen
by Platinum Member on May. 18, 2014 at 9:33 AM
1 mom liked this
Ok, I'm guessing here. But let me try a reframe. (Written from her perspective)

My life sucks. My parents suck. I am missing something, I know I am. Others seem so much happier than I am. They seem to have it so together.

Why did my parents spilt up? It they didn't, I would have to put up with this mess. It's because they broke up that I hurt so much. That I have to split up my time. And I don't want to be hurt. So I will be angry. Someone is to blame!!!! Who? Me? No, I'm the victim. Mom? Dad? No, they would get back together if zannahdeux's out of the picture. That witch. She plays nice to others but I REALLY know her. She isn't nice to me. And if she wasn't around, mom and dad would be together. Or at least dad would be 100% on my side.

She wants me to feel bad that she might get in trouble. I don't. I don't want her in my life. I didn't ask her to be here, she gets in trouble? Good. I didnt agree to have her around anyways.

Dad takes her side a LOT. Yeah, it would be better if she wasn't around. And I would be less angry. And less hurt. Bitch.

Done reframing. Be on her side. Get her help if possible. It not possible, don't be a doormat, and don't accept blame. Key phrases: "It is not ok to lie about me". "She is having some trouble now and is not giving you an accurate picture.". "No, I'm not going to argue, but that is not correct".

Do respect that she has a right to her feelings. They may be baseless, but she has a right to feel them. Choose battles wisely. She doesn't sound healthy.
Birdseed
by Platinum Member on May. 18, 2014 at 12:55 PM
1 mom liked this

I think the most simple explanation is that she is seeking attention by painting herself as a victim and you are the target because you're close at hand and it's a predictable (and thus believable) story.  Lots of troubled kids make up stories...everything from having cancer, to lying to one friend about another to "win" the friend over, to lying about sexual or physical abuse.  At the core, it's attention seeking.  Sounds like she has a personality disorder almost.  I'd put my money on BPD.  But I'm not a doctor.  There is a book called "Stop Walking on Eggshells" that might be of use to you. 


Silent_Sea
by Gold Member on May. 18, 2014 at 1:49 PM

 Who is she lying to? Friends?  Also, what are her friends like are they victims to? What are the conversations about? 

Seychelles1409
by Silver Member on May. 18, 2014 at 2:47 PM

Before I did anything, I would tell her dad/your DH everything you have written in your post.   I don't know what your DH will say, but I would think that any conversations with the SD should include all three of you.   When you have the conversation with SD, you and DH should be careful not to sound accusatory; rather you should come from a place of being concerned that SD is unhappy and that is what is causing her to do the things she has been doing.   Then you can suggest the three of you work on a plan to help her feel better and find a way to show her you do care about her as much as you always have.  

jules2boys
by Gold Member on May. 18, 2014 at 3:27 PM
I agree with Chanizens perspective however, I wonder if she's blaming you because you are safe. If she called you her best friend and you feel the two of you as close, always have been, etc. she may feel "safe" in saying these things because she feels you won't leave but may not feel as safe that same way about her parents.

Are you or her parents involved in her therapy as well?
teaching_kids
by Bronze Member on May. 19, 2014 at 11:46 AM
There are so many incredible resources to help people.
A young mind isn't (to me) a horse. She's not fully developed yet.
The horse analogy is good-only for adults (in my opinion)
She's definitely a great opportunity for you-to deepen compassion
If you wanted to.

Good luck.

Quoting zannahdeux:

She is already in therapy and has been there for a year but she lies, or leaves things out with the therapist too unless an adult is there to discuss it first. You can lead a horse to therapy but you can't make it talk....

Quoting teaching_kids: Get her the professional help she needs. If she's pathologically lying in this way and suicidal - she totally needs professional help.
Also, there are probably other ways to handle her due to her illness that you could probably get some professional help as well. So that you have access to how to handle things
What's the strory with her mom?

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