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"I have to be involved"

Posted by on Jun. 1, 2014 at 9:31 AM
  • 88 Replies
6 moms liked this

If you "have to be involved" does that mean your husband should not have custody? Because if you "have to". What would happened if you didn't do it?  Would he fail as a parent?  Would he leave vital things undone?  Would he allow his kids to be... Whatever.... Uneducated, uncared for, abused, undisciplined,  failing at school...  And if he DID allow those things, why would he have ANY type of custody?

Do you consider your husband a capable parent?  I do.  If I were not involved, he would be fully capable of parenting.  Now, there are things I do better than him (planning, scheduling).  But I don't "have to" do those things for him.  If they caused problem, especially problems for the kids, , I would not do those things for him.  Because he IS capable and deserving custody.  

Personally, I think when a sm says she "needs to be involved" and goes around her husband, she is diminishing his role as an effective parent and trying to make herself more important.  Essentially, she is saying he isn't a very good parent and should not have custody because he cannot parent.

I can't imagine my husband saying he "needs to be involved" to my ex.  My ex would think he was stupid. So I would never say that to bm, or the court... Or this forum.

by on Jun. 1, 2014 at 9:31 AM
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Replies (1-10):
amantonacci
by Gold Member on Jun. 1, 2014 at 9:54 AM
2 moms liked this
I agree with this... When I see this here I always wonder if they got married to be a spouse or to take over where dad is incapable...
leegirl_jm
by Ruby Member on Jun. 1, 2014 at 9:55 AM
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I don't think that the stepmother would say that to her husband or anyone else in real life, this type of board is where that will occur. I think SM is really saying that she prefers her way of doing things, she does it better in her opinion, not that he can't do it.

chanizen
by Platinum Member on Jun. 1, 2014 at 10:07 AM
I agree. She likely wouldn't tell her husband that he is incapable.

But it makes it hard to believe those statements.

Quoting leegirl_jm:

I don't think that the stepmother would say that to her husband or anyone else in real life, this type of board is where that will occur. I think SM is really saying that she prefers her way of doing things, she does it better in her opinion, not that he can't do it.

leegirl_jm
by Ruby Member on Jun. 1, 2014 at 10:12 AM
1 mom liked this

It isn't hard for me to believe because I think mothers are better at this parenting in general. I will admit that it is a bias i have, I know many times it is just fathers doing it differently but I think mothers do it better.

Quoting chanizen: I agree. She likely wouldn't tell her husband that he is incapable. But it makes it hard to believe those statements.
Quoting leegirl_jm:

I don't think that the stepmother would say that to her husband or anyone else in real life, this type of board is where that will occur. I think SM is really saying that she prefers her way of doing things, she does it better in her opinion, not that he can't do it.


Career Woman, Wife and Mother of Two Children, a Girl and a Boy.

leegirl_jm
by Ruby Member on Jun. 1, 2014 at 10:39 AM
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Many times I see some CSMs here who are SAHMs and Dad seems pretty involved with his work so the CSM is the one doing most of the childcare, she is supervising homework, preparing meals, teaching basic life values, etc, etc, I think it would be difficult for those not to be involved in those areas.

Generally, it is difficult to not be involved when it is your spouse, I know I try to be involved as little as possible but my husband is my family if it affects him it will affect me, indirectly or directly.

Polkadotted
by Gold Member on Jun. 1, 2014 at 11:54 AM

Honestly, I agree.

Quoting leegirl_jm:

It isn't hard for me to believe because I think mothers are better at this parenting in general. I will admit that it is a bias i have, I know many times it is just fathers doing it differently but I think mothers do it better.

Quoting chanizen: I agree. She likely wouldn't tell her husband that he is incapable. But it makes it hard to believe those statements.
Quoting leegirl_jm:

I don't think that the stepmother would say that to her husband or anyone else in real life, this type of board is where that will occur. I think SM is really saying that she prefers her way of doing things, she does it better in her opinion, not that he can't do it.


faerie75
by Platinum Member on Jun. 1, 2014 at 11:55 AM
My SO can and does parent his own kids.
chanizen
by Platinum Member on Jun. 1, 2014 at 11:59 AM
But isn't that an argument for men having no custody? They cannot parent independently?

I guss I also don't buy the "career dad argument". Why? I've always worked full time. In a professional career

Quoting leegirl_jm:

Many times I see some CSMs here who are SAHMs and Dad seems pretty involved with his work so the CSM is the one doing most of the childcare, she is supervising homework, preparing meals, teaching basic life values, etc, etc, I think it would be difficult for those not to be involved in those areas.

Generally, it is difficult to not be involved when it is your spouse, I know I try to be involved as little as possible but my husband is my family if it affects him it will affect me, indirectly or directly.

Birdseed
by Platinum Member on Jun. 1, 2014 at 12:15 PM
7 moms liked this

If a parent cannot or will not be "the buck stops here" parent then no, I don't think they should have custody.  If they cannot or will not make sure that the kids are cared for without someone else doing all of the heavy lifting and driving the process, then no.  No way.  But being incapable or unwilling is different than using the resources around you. 

My DH had his kids all by himself for a good year when BM left the first time.  He managed to do that and work.  He did just fine by himself when it was 50/50 and he was single.  I don't really see what's different about being a single dad vs being a single mom. <shrugs>

When I came on the scene, DH wanted me to be involved with his kids.  That was his expectation.  It was his family's expectation.  And to BM, I was one more person who could help out.  Probably a unique situation to some extent but that's mine.  No one really asked me if I wanted to be involved.  It was just expected.  And as such, it allowed both DH and BM to make decisions that they could not/would not have had I not been around thus putting me in some situations where I "had to be" involved.

My point being, I know my DH CAN do it.  Just like BM CAN do it.  But I think most people prefer to have a little help. And unless there's a real issue, why pay for a sitter when there's a SP available?  Why not have the SP do some research on X, Y or Z if they have time?

When I lived alone, I vacuumed.  I did laundry.  I performed vehicle maintenance. I mowed the yard.  I was quite capable.  But once I started living with DH, he did those things.  I took over the grocery shopping, cooking, and finances.  I think some division of labor makes sense.  Just because someone is helping out doesn't mean it's because the other is incapable--even if we're talking about kids.




chanizen
by Platinum Member on Jun. 1, 2014 at 12:36 PM
2 moms liked this

Oh I agree...  I ask dh to take dd to soccer.  Sometimes I help ss.  But there is no "have to" component., kwim?   Using a resource or doing something you are asked to do... To me... Is very very different than interfering with dad's parenting... Or causing drama because I "have to" Do something.

As I usually say... If it causes no drama, and hurts no one..it is probably fine.  In your case involvement was accepted and did not cause drama.  That is fine.

But, like the mom who emailed the school.... Isn't she also saying her husband is a drooling idiot of a parent who cannot manage to raise his kid?  If it is so offensive that bm did nothing, isn't it also offensive that HE did nothing?  But she "had do". According to some.  Well, if she "had to"... Wasn't she also calling dad a failure?  Why is she staying with such an incapable man?  If she and dh get a divorce, should he go get some stranger to parent her child for him... Right away... Because otherwise he cannot manage?

Quoting Birdseed:

If a parent cannot or will not be "the buck stops here" parent then no, I don't think they should have custody.  If they cannot or will not make sure that the kids are cared for without someone else doing all of the heavy lifting and driving the process, then no.  No way.  But being incapable or unwilling is different than using the resources around you. 

My DH had his kids all by himself for a good year when BM left the first time.  He managed to do that and work.  He did just fine by himself when it was 50/50 and he was single.  I don't really see what's different about being a single dad vs being a single mom.

When I came on the scene, DH wanted me to be involved with his kids.  That was his expectation.  It was his family's expectation.  And to BM, I was one more person who could help out.  Probably a unique situation to some extent but that's mine.  No one really asked me if I wanted to be involved.  It was just expected.  And as such, it allowed both DH and BM to make decisions that they could not/would not have had I not been around thus putting me in some situations where I "had to be" involved.

My point being, I know my DH CAN do it.  Just like BM CAN do it.  But I think most people prefer to have a little help. And unless there's a real issue, why pay for a sitter when there's a SP available?  Why not have the SP do some research on X, Y or Z if they have time?

When I lived alone, I vacuumed.  I did laundry.  I performed vehicle maintenance. I mowed the yard.  I was quite capable.  But once I started living with DH, he did those things.  I took over the grocery shopping, cooking, and finances.  I think some division of labor makes sense.  Just because someone is helping out doesn't mean it's because the other is incapable--even if we're talking about kids.





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