Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

Stepmom Central Stepmom Central

The CO and sticking to it

Posted by on Jun. 3, 2014 at 6:18 PM
  • 40 Replies

Did both parties agree to the CO, if you have one?

Are you unhappy/happy with your or your husband's CO?

Would you consider either party choosing to strictly adhere to the CO as bad coparenting?

In CO, I am refering to the Child Support and Ordered extras and the visitation schedule.

Career Woman, Wife and Mother of Two Children, a Girl and a Boy.

by on Jun. 3, 2014 at 6:18 PM
Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Replies (1-10):
Annawest
by on Jun. 3, 2014 at 6:24 PM
1 mom liked this

We agreed to everything in it.  I compromised on some parts, he compromised on others.  Neither of us got exactly what we wanted.  We follow the court order regarding CS and financial extras.  We don't when it comes to DS spending time with the OP.   The court order states Ex gets 40% of time, he takes much less than that, choosing to take EOWE all year long.  Whenever he asks to take DS for extra time, I let him.  It's good for DS to have that relationship.

jules2boys
by Gold Member on Jun. 3, 2014 at 7:31 PM
1 mom liked this


Quoting leegirl_jm:

Did both parties agree to the CO, if you have one?   No.  XH wrote it and submitted it himself.  Claimed he couldn't 'find' me (yet we were still exchanging the kids, in person, twice a week at that time).  So the courts accepted his version and accepted that he couldn't 'find me' to serve me. 

Are you unhappy/happy with your or your husband's CO?  Unhappy.  But it would cost a good deal to get it changed so... here we sit. 

Would you consider either party choosing to strictly adhere to the CO as bad coparenting?  At this point, yes, because it would be a huge change for everyone involved, especially the boys.  It wasn't written assuming the kids would ever be older than 1 and 5 (when we separted) or that he'd move over an hour away.  In general, however, no, I wouldn't consider it to be bad parenting if a party decided to go strictly by the CO if trying to be 'flexible' didn't work anymore. 

In CO, I am refering to the Child Support and Ordered extras and the visitation schedule.


sara82lee
by Bronze Member on Jun. 3, 2014 at 7:31 PM
1 mom liked this
I think it's a good idea at least to start. My dh was "the nice guy" for a long time, doing bm's part of the transportation, being flexible with schedule if she wanted ss for something on a particular weekend...

After about a year of this, bm decided she was mad at dh one day and filed a show cause because dh had ss on a weekend that wasn't his - never mind that they had agreed on a trade that she had asked for! The judge chewed him out. He didn't understand about the trade, even though dh explained.

So, we went back to following the co strictly. One weekend bm wanted ss back half hour early bc she had an appointment for family portraits. DH told her no. She suddenly realized and respected dh after that and decided she liked my dh being the nice guy and being flexible better. We didn't have any more issues after that.
faerie75
by Platinum Member on Jun. 3, 2014 at 7:44 PM
2 moms liked this

 my kids BD and i dont even use our CO.

SO and BM are getting there.

i think the CO is there for times of disagreement.

 
        
         

hissminenours
by Member on Jun. 3, 2014 at 7:47 PM
2 moms liked this
Not completely happy but generally you have to compromise. Dh had to compromise due to BMs parents ability to outspend and drag it out forever. BM shouldn't have the rights dh gave her. Dh feels the same. But the court system gives mentally ill drug abiding parents rights until they do something so haneous that they pretty much have to take them. We stick to the co. In the past, when dh has gone outside of it to be nice, BM and her parents made him sorry for it. It's not a good idea to be anything but black and white with a disordered person.
XXanonymousXX
by Silver Member on Jun. 3, 2014 at 8:34 PM
Happy. 50/50 split of time and expenses. There are plenty of clauses to keep the rights and responsibilities of both parents protected but not enough minutia to have them fighting in court every six months. It definitely keeps BM on track and holding up her 50%, which I know DH is happy about.

Birdseed
by Platinum Member on Jun. 3, 2014 at 8:42 PM

DH and BM in my sitch agreed to the CO outside of court.  50/50 custody, 51/49 legal (DH 51) but the trade off was that DH agreed to pay a lot more than would've been CO'd for CS even as an NCP by FOC and agreed to paying 80% of medical, 100% of insurance, yada yada.  Basically, he paid to have his kids with him. I think at the time, it made sense. 

BM filed for a modification of CS when DH and I moved, I think in hopes of getting more money. But  even with the decrease in overnights and her reporting no income, CS went down.  I wish they had modified the CO for visitation instead of just verbally agreeing to things when the situation changed because it's made it really difficult to plan things with the kids.



XXanonymousXX
by Silver Member on Jun. 3, 2014 at 9:04 PM
With all the scheduling drama why doesn't DH file to update the CO? I know it's probably not the easiest from outside the country. But you being stateside to act as secretary might help. It would help you personally in the long run...

Quoting Birdseed:

DH and BM in my sitch agreed to the CO outside of court.  50/50 custody, 51/49 legal (DH 51) but the trade off was that DH agreed to pay a lot more than would've been CO'd for CS even as an NCP by FOC and agreed to paying 80% of medical, 100% of insurance, yada yada.  Basically, he paid to have his kids with him. I think at the time, it made sense. 

BM filed for a modification of CS when DH and I moved, I think in hopes of getting more money. But  even with the decrease in overnights and her reporting no income, CS went down.  I wish they had modified the CO for visitation instead of just verbally agreeing to things when the situation changed because it's made it really difficult to plan things with the kids.

Birdseed
by Platinum Member on Jun. 3, 2014 at 9:42 PM

I'll support him in whatever he wants to do, but I'm not going to suggest anything or pursue anything myself. The kids are older now and have things they want to do that really aren't compatible with CO'd visits given that unless DH quits his job, he will not be in the same state, let alone the same the country as the kids in the next few years.  If they don't want to go overseas as it was agreed upon for the school year or even for a visit, then they won't.  Regardless of a CO. DH won't make them do something they don't want to do as evidenced by the latest thing.

The only thing that will help me personally in the long run is to stop worrying about it and stop trying to plan things around people who are unwilling/able to commit to dates.


Quoting XXanonymousXX: With all the scheduling drama why doesn't DH file to update the CO? I know it's probably not the easiest from outside the country. But you being stateside to act as secretary might help. It would help you personally in the long run...


XXanonymousXX
by Silver Member on Jun. 3, 2014 at 9:51 PM
You are so wise. I wish I could be this calm and logical. I'm working on it. I think going forward when in doubt I'm going to say what would birdseed do. :)

Quoting Birdseed:

I'll support him in whatever he wants to do, but I'm not going to suggest anything or pursue anything myself. The kids are older now and have things they want to do that really aren't compatible with CO'd visits given that unless DH quits his job, he will not be in the same state, let alone the same the country as the kids in the next few years.  If they don't want to go overseas as it was agreed upon for the school year or even for a visit, then they won't.  Regardless of a CO. DH won't make them do something they don't want to do as evidenced by the latest thing.

The only thing that will help me personally in the long run is to stop worrying about it and stop trying to plan things around people who are unwilling/able to commit to dates.

Quoting XXanonymousXX: With all the scheduling drama why doesn't DH file to update the CO? I know it's probably not the easiest from outside the country. But you being stateside to act as secretary might help. It would help you personally in the long run...

Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

close Join now to connect to
other members!
Connect with Facebook or Sign Up Using Email

Already Joined? LOG IN