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I just need to vent

Posted by on Jun. 4, 2014 at 11:41 PM
  • 6 Replies
A few years ago I met my fiancé we hit it off really good and had allot in common and had just came out of similar situations I have two kids as does he around the same age. One of the things I loved about him most was the way he was with my boys especially after how there dad went from good to okay to bad to worse and then gone in the matter of two years. We moved in together and at the time of us moving in together I had only met his kids one time the reason for that is his BM walked out on them to say the least and him being a single dad trying to work all those hrs and be a mom to got really hard so his mom offered to keep them until everything was good and stable and she lived about 8 hrs away so when we got this house His son finally came to live with us I was really excited we all were but not even days into it he started to treat his son different than mine, it wasn't major major like being intentionally mean or something but for example we together had set rules, boundaries and expectations for my children we had been together they called him dad and they were so young and loved him so much and he was so good to them I thought ok sounds good let's parent them together I was really happy for them to have a male figure in there life, but when his son arrived like I said within days it went from all of us being happy all the boys under the same rules to my son gets away with murder and yours don't and I'll notice everything wrong yours do and I'll put a blind eye to everything bad my son does and I'll point out everything wrong your kids do only to make mine look good, now of course he did not say that but that's exactly as it seemed now I see why he would have to try and make his son look good at the time he was an evil princess in a boys body. Didn't listen, spoiled a bully very needy and then some but that being said I took the little boy in as my own and it wasn't his fault the way he acted so here I am busting my butt raising these kids going to school just trying to be this super star mom for these children and be I was in love with this man and he is acting like this towards my children and he was still loving with them and kind so I thought to myself maybe he is just trying to show his son he is loved but in a wrong way or maybe he didn't want his son to feel replaced I thought of so many things like maybe that's all he knew bc his childhood was that way or maybe he wanted his son to have way better but to me his acts where ignorant and stupid but things did get way better and I got an apology not the one I feel I deserved but I got one and he explained a few things but even still I didn't feel like it was enough so I got really close to leaving like had a moving company and everything set up but I felt horrible bc things where going really good and I felt like after so long I would drag the guy my kids know as dad from them and his little boy that calls me mom would be so sad so I stayed and we have lived life had ups and downs but all of us still happy and equals in this house for the most part I mean I know he will always have a special place in his heart for his own child but everything has been good. We got his daughter and I feel that already she is getting away with more things and that he is giving excuses for her actions and getting this obsessive attitude of perfection almost like he wants me to do all these extra things for his kids but not think about the way I may feel or how much I have to do around the house or that I'm starting school or have our nine month old to take care of not to mention all of the kids and idk it's frustrating bc A. I already feel like I do enough B. I'm exhausted as it is C. I'm not there biological mother yet they call me mom have sense they were little and I have every responsibility as there mother but nobody has the nerve to take his biological mother to court or anything so idk I feel like wow you want me to be your bitch and be perfect for your kids but I don't have any rights to them and there biological mother gets to come in once in a blue moon when she isn't "chasing her goals" and partying you want me to give up everything so you can pretty much show me you could care less about me but have me here for your kids... Sense he works hard for us and is good to all of us I feel crappy saying that but that's how I feel and that's how I felt before it's like he is saying the same stuff he said when his son came down and to be honest I love him I love our family but idk what to do bc I can't see myself living without him but I can't see myself living like that ever again bc I still resent him for the first time. I do believe I deserve more than what I'm getting the past few days but it's also to soon to think this is how it's going to be I guess or is it? This is only the short version of everything believe it or not. Does anyone deal with things like this or just me?
by on Jun. 4, 2014 at 11:41 PM
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Replies (1-6):
Daisyb1992
by on Jun. 4, 2014 at 11:47 PM
We had his daughter before now but only to visit really bc his mom was the closest his daughter had as a mother and him and his family was scared to break that attachment but now she is here with us for good. I'm exhausted as it is and this child is so needy as well but I feel like he wants me to just deal with it instead of teach her different...
Birdseed
by Platinum Member on Jun. 5, 2014 at 12:09 AM
1 mom liked this

I realize you're on mobile which makes formatting really difficult.  I just can't make my eyeballs read your post.  I started to fix it for you as far as paragraphs, but the grammar, spelling and punctuation is very poor as well. Maybe you could fix your post when you get to a computer?  I spent a few minutes and then just gave up.  It's simply too much.

OvrMyHead
by Silver Member on Jun. 5, 2014 at 12:31 AM
1 mom liked this
From what I could read and understand, it seems like this guy conned you. You were a single mom with 2 small boys who needed a dad figure and were an easy target. He needed you to get into a home and help out so he could get his kids back. I don't think he is the guy you met, he is not thy wonderful father figure.

You have 2 kids to take care of and you are exhausted trying to make a family with this guy. Take care if your kids, they need you and you need to put them first.
Tinkerbellmama
by Platinum Member on Jun. 5, 2014 at 1:07 AM

This.

And now you have a baby with this guy?

Let me tell you what real dads do when the mother of their child/children leave. They do NOT ship their kids off 8 hours away to be raised by grandma. They get daycare, they change their hours, they hire a babysitter, maybe they have a friend or family member move in to help with childcare when they work. But, what they DON'T do is ship their kids off 8 hours away until they find a woman who can solve all their problems.

And I say this from experience. My DH was a single father of a special needs toddler when we met. My SD was a year and a half old, but developmentally about 6-9 months. She was in occupational and physical therapies, she had numerous specialists appointments. DH lived with his parents (rather than letting them just take his daughter), and they helped in/when it was necessary. They kept a baby monitor in the living room and made sure SD was OK so DH could attend night classes for college. They babysat as needed so he could work (there was no daycare available that could meet SD's needs).

When we got together I didn't take over that "mommy" role with SD, even though she didn't have a mom (BM walked out when SD was born with special needs). It wasn't until after we were married that I started taking on a bit more "parental" type duties and it was only because he moved out of his parents' place and we had our own place so they weren't there to do it anymore.

 

Quoting OvrMyHead: From what I could read and understand, it seems like this guy conned you. You were a single mom with 2 small boys who needed a dad figure and were an easy target. He needed you to get into a home and help out so he could get his kids back. I don't think he is the guy you met, he is not thy wonderful father figure. You have 2 kids to take care of and you are exhausted trying to make a family with this guy. Take care if your kids, they need you and you need to put them first.


ZennMomma
by Bronze Member on Jun. 5, 2014 at 1:20 AM
1 mom liked this
That is a lot.

It sounds like you are letting guilt make your decisions. He is not your kids father nor are you his kids Mom. It seems like there wasn't an adjustment period...?
Remove the guilty feelings and check your feelings.
momof2ex1
by Ruby Member on Jun. 5, 2014 at 2:17 AM
2 moms liked this
There is a lot wrong here - and not just the lack of punctuation....

First, how old are the kids? I'm getting that there are 4 kids. Two of yours and two of his. What are their ages? How long have you been together? How long have you lived together? And if you don't mind me asking, what is your age and what is the age of your fiancé?

That all will help me to maybe help you :)

I personally think that his two kids were taken out of the environment they had come accustomed too. Living with grandma. Which we all know is not the same as living with mom or dad. Kids tend to be more 'spoiled' when they live with their grandparents because grandparents have already raised their kids and now they are getting to have fun. And for some reason grandkids are just cuter than your own kids and they just seem to get away with more. As a side note: I lived with my parents for a short time after my divorce. I could not believe the things my daughter got away with. My parents were guilt grandparenting. They felt bad that my daughter's world was uprooted for divorce and they just felt they had to make it up to her. I didn't want my child to be a classic 'child of divorce'. Divorce is not a disease and you will not get a pass in life because your parents divorced. It was an uphill battle the entire time I lived there.

It seems that the kids were not given an adjustment period. Which may have been what you were seeing in your fiancé. He had not been raising his kids so when he did get his son back, the last thing he would have wanted to do was sit down and start mapping out all the ways this kids life was going to change - AGAIN. It's called guilt parenting. While I've never done it, I've seen it and I do understand it. It's not healthy. It's ok to start out slow and to allow time to adjust but then you have to get up and take the bull by the horns and be an actual parent. YOU can't make him be the kind of parent you want him to be to his kids. You aren't going to be able to change him unless he wants to change and is willing to take your advice and follow your lead.

What would have been ideal is for dad to have his kids in his own home and you have your kids in your own home. He needs to get to know his kids again. Establish how he parents. The three of them need to adjust to their new life together. But that's not what happened and it's too late to make that decision. So moving forward: your second mistake was pretending to be an intact family. This whole calling each other mommy and daddy. I realize that these kids drew the short stick in the parent department but it is what it is. You both chose the people who you created your children with and that can't be changed. If you DO leave at some point, these kids will have yet again someone else ripped from their lives. It's never a good idea to start off the way you guys did because here you are.

I think it would be really wise for you and your fiancé to get in to some counseling together. You have a lot to iron out in the parenting department. This relationship is not impossible. It just needs some help.
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