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SS wants DH and I divorced, DH denies it new Update at bottom in red... OMG

Posted by on Jun. 7, 2014 at 8:24 AM
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1 mom liked this

FYI: I don't like speaking in the abbreviations. I tend to run sentences or skip back and forth. If I could use the names of my family.. it would be more of a time line and story then paragraphs of topics. Due to the confidentiality of my family. Is is what it is. BM has family members on here that try to friend me all the time. 

My DH and I have been together for 8 years. I have a DS the same age as SS, then we have one together.  DH son and my son live with us full time. We have custody of both our children. SS always was close to me, we bonded well from age 4. Both SS and DS are 14 now. My son has always been raised to respect his SF and my DH has always been part of my DS discipline and growth, every aspect of his life since we have been together.  My son calls his SF..Dad. By choice, on his own will. (DS has stated at age 13, that his SF has been the one to teach him how to grow and mature as a young man and all the communicating and discipline and one on one time together he has realized how much his SF has taught him and been that father figure for him)

DS father is involved in his life, but not much. Only on vacation times.

SS mom stepped out of his life less and less about three years ago, and two years ago-completely. 

About three years ago, as the boys hit the puberty time, my SS began being rude and mean making comments to me to get me angry. As he gets older he will tell me he is not speaking to me only his father. SS has told my son behind closed doors that he wishes we where divorced but would miss his little brother. Stated that his little brother is more his than DS. (DS is adopted from previous marriage) then in the same conversation stated he doesn't believe in adoption because a kid can only have one mom.  Also said he wishes he was an only child so he could have everything he wanted. I have told my husband from the beginning that I would never get in the way of his and his son's relationship. That I would leave. However since we have a child together now. That would not be a possability, so easily. However, I am so confused, because my DS's are seeing b\me being treated like shit and it being allowed. The 5 year old has to get punished for copying these behaviors which is not fair. As my older DS was always punished and corrected for the same behavior. I have already went through this with b\my oldest, when he was the same age as my youngest now. I feel like I am traveling back in time.  It's not fair nor right at any angle. How can it be corrected. (the DH has too, but that is not even a possability) Old school, sweep it under the rug is his personality. Or ignore it and it will go away. 

SS has never been an only child. He has an older brother. That is 12 years older than him. However, DH has had sole custody of SS since age 2. 

 Never have I pushed this child to accepting or coercing him, into me being his mom. Just having two boys the same exact age, I treated them the same, did all the things with them the same. It was like having twins. i have rooted both on, I have coached teams, bday parties, friends.  (Just my SS I could never be the disciplinarian with because I wasn't his mother) My children know what they can and can't do. My DS has never been able to get away with the things my SS does, because I would not tolereate 

I don't understand the anger and hatred. My DS gets so pissed watching his SB get away with treating me this way, and their littel brother learning to treat me the same way. 

I have told DH all the conversations that SS has said to me and my son. DH ignores the situation. The actions are so clear. Even the tone of voice and facial expressions SS makes and says to me are so obvious that even my DS friends have commented on how SS treats me when they are over.  DH tells me he has brought SS out on rides to discuss this numerous times and SS keeps telling he has never said this stuff. Then I point out to DH the situations I have caught SS lying about other topics and incidents, etc. Then the conversation is ended in disgust with DH. I will then stop doing the extra stuff for SS and tell him to have his dad do them with him, and then SS will be balanced with me for a day or two, so I will do it for him. So I have in a sense tried disengaging and placing DH in the role that I have been doing for all these years, caretaker, whatever you want to call it.  

Any advice on how to handle this in a positive manner? I don't need bashing saying that I am not his mom, so on and so forth. I am a woman who has been raising him to the best as I can and trying to mold him into a great young man that will grow in life and society. 

He has stated to me the same as I just said. You could say I quoted him, which I know comes from his mother. He has told me about some conversations they have had in the years since I was involved and became part of his life. Because the one time in 8 years that she has said any words to me was "he is not your child he is mine" (But she hasn't seen or spoke to him in over two years. Almost right after that statement)

" you are a woman raising another woman's child the best you can"

~~~ SS

DSS had a friends sleep over, I even allowed SS to take the family PS3 Into his bedroom so they could play and not wake up the family. SS is a night owl. at 1:30 iin the morning I heard the f-bomb being dropped. Startled me right out of my sleep. The boys where playing an online game. I correct the action, stating to SS and friend that the language SS was using is not allowed in out house, and apologized to his friend for having to be part of that behavior in my home. I could not go back to sleep. I hear SS stating to friend that I am only here because I  need help financilally and could not do it if I was not here. (WHERE the hell would he get a comment llike that>>>). Along with a few other comments and deragatory words that where being used while talking about me. To his friend. And his friend is following suit. I politley walk in (somehow calmly), and as for them to repeat to me the conversaton they where having about me. They both just laugh at my comments about saying F%$# over and over. I said "No, the one you where having 30 seconds ago about me". Ghost faces on both of them.  ( I make a good salary, and am a General Manager for a restaurat).I am shaking and blood boiling through all of this. I try telling dad in the middle of the night, he says nothing besides gets up and has a cigaette. It took all my inner strength to not haul off and belt him. (I have never laid a hand on this child btw) My DS has even heard my SS "say what is she going to do, she can't do anything to me"  I leave it be. Meanwhile, through all this, My DS is boiling hearing his mom be talked and treated like this. (My son was in his bedroomwhich is 5 feet from SS. OMG. My son is doing all he can to stay calm. (my son also protects the 5 year old from SS rough and rudeness)

So this morning in front of his friend, this is how I handled It. (to the friend): I am sorry you where part of what occurred in this house last night. Please help yourself to breakfast. I will be bringing you home after you eat, due to SS behavior last night. To SS: you failed to tell your friend that I just quit a career where I was making X amount of income so I could be home with you more, and that for the past X amount of years you have never gone with out anything you have wanted from $100 sneakers and jerseys, $300.00 picture frames of your favority bball stars. So you stated everything negative to your firiend but none of the positive. You hurt me more than I thought you could SS, and for what purpose. I have never done anything to provole this in the x amount of years I have raised you. (DH has sole custody since age 2). I did this all so calmly and politely, I surprised myself, because I was shaking the whole time.

I am humilated, disgusted, and done. Advice?

by on Jun. 7, 2014 at 8:24 AM
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Replies (1-10):
oldproatthis
by Silver Member on Jun. 7, 2014 at 8:50 AM
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He has some abandonment issues and simply...he's spoiled. This ALL comes from the parenting in your home. Mom has not been around enough to teach him any of his behavior. The only thing that comes from mom is his anger at being abandoned. Him generally being a jerk in your home. Well that's because no one has stood up to him. BOTH you and DH have created this problem. You have not stood you for yourself and DH has not disciplined SS.
There is often a confusion. Some SMs confusion not being the disciplinarian with having to take abuse. Not being the disciplinarian means not crossing the CHILD'S line if you don't have the authority or respect in the relationship with the child. My SS11 is difficult, there is a lot of him being isolated to his room until his dad gets home to deal out punishment. I just don't, he can be very confrontational. But I do NOT except crap from him either. When he misbehaves it's one thing. When I am the "target", I handle it and he usually ends up in tears. I have made it very clear. I am confident to handle all minor members of my home, do NOT be ugly with me. I directly only handle him when I am the target and it is my boundary he has crossed, that is my right, I will never be treated poorly by him and take it, and he will always know that from ME, I have shit him down every time. I think that was your mistake. You set it up, you took his crap when he mistreated you and the DH made it worse by his inaction.
At this point you have been on his life active enough, long enough, and invested enough to have a serious talk and fully disengage. Your disengaging hasn't worked either because you've only done it for a day...he knows what you're doing and just plays the game, plays nice, waits it out a day and your back in. I would sit him down simply tell him the way he's treating you for what you have invested in him is him using you, it won't continue, he can go to his dad for everything. And then I would stop doing anything for him. When he asks a gentle polite smile and go ask your dad is the answer. One side effect will be more time to spend on your kids to buffer his nastiness to them too. You can protect them from him and separate them a little.
chanizen
by Platinum Member on Jun. 7, 2014 at 9:00 AM
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The big problem is that your husband doesn't believe you which allows your ss to mistreat you.  You have witnesses, you have told him and he has done nothing.

My take would be: step back and be really clear why.  Dh, your son needs attention and he is rejecting mine,  so you need to be more active.  I will help a little if asked and while ss is treating me and the other kids with kindness.  Darling ss, you are giving me the silent treatment and treating me poorly.  While that is occurring, I will not help you.  Because that is how life works.  Treat people poorly and they don't run about trying to force you to accept their help.  Should you change that path and treat me well again, after a time, I may help again.  I love you.  And I love you far too much to teach you that you can act poorly and get good results.

Then step back and do it.  Do not wait for the light to go off in your husband's head.  It likely will not.  I went through this with dh and sd.  She is a great, smart, lovely young woman.  But she was treating me poorly. Sometimes dh saw it and sometimes not.  But she didn't choose her brother's disability nor her parents' divorce.  Nor dad's remarriage.  She was sorta stuck you know? And the teen years are tough period.  So many changes... So many things kids reach for... And so little ability to independently get there.  Very happily, she has graduated college and bm and dh have reason to be proud of her.  My hope is that she is creating a wonderful life and I believe she is,

One of my friends says "god makes teens intolerable so that you will shove them out of the nest". my own 13 year old dd has her - ahem - moments.  teens.  Can't live with them.  Can't duct tape them to a tree.

100problems-1
by Member on Jun. 7, 2014 at 9:04 AM
1 mom liked this
I would disengage from SS and from husband. Don't take my advice though its probably not good.
leegirl_jm
by Platinum Member on Jun. 7, 2014 at 9:08 AM
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I live in my own house so I can kick people out when their presence makes my home life unconfortable. I am very spoiled, I won't tolerate being miserable at home, that is my sanctuary.
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100problems-1
by Member on Jun. 7, 2014 at 9:08 AM
Love your last quote. Same thing happened to me and SD. it took DH 6 months to see how bad her behavior was without me to blame. She and I still speak very little.

Quoting chanizen:

The big problem is that your husband doesn't believe you which allows your ss to mistreat you.  You have witnesses, you have told him and he has done nothing.

My take would be: step back and be really clear why.  Dh, your son needs attention and he is rejecting mine,  so you need to be more active.  I will help a little if asked and while ss is treating me and the other kids with kindness.  Darling ss, you are giving me the silent treatment and treating me poorly.  While that is occurring, I will not help you.  Because that is how life works.  Treat people poorly and they don't run about trying to force you to accept their help.  Should you change that path and treat me well again, after a time, I may help again.  I love you.  And I love you far too much to teach you that you can act poorly and get good results.

Then step back and do it.  Do not wait for the light to go off in your husband's head.  It likely will not.  I went through this with dh and sd.  She is a great, smart, lovely young woman.  But she was treating me poorly. Sometimes dh saw it and sometimes not.  But she didn't choose her brother's disability nor her parents' divorce.  Nor dad's remarriage.  She was sorta stuck you know? And the teen years are tough period.  So many changes... So many things kids reach for... And so little ability to independently get there.  Very happily, she has graduated college and bm and dh have reason to be proud of her.  My hope is that she is creating a wonderful life and I believe she is,

One of my friends says "god makes teens intolerable so that you will shove them out of the nest". my own 13 year old dd has her - ahem - moments.  teens.  Can't live with them.  Can't duct tape them to a tree.

Javamom00
by Member on Jun. 7, 2014 at 9:48 AM

I absolutley believe and need to disengage. I have done it in the past. Then the counteract, my DH pulls me aside and says he cant take being the middle of SS and I.  And that I need to be the one to fix it. Where DH has basically made me feel like I need kiss my SS behind. DH needs to be the one to fix it. I do agree as well that I let things get to a certain point because I did not want to have indifferneces with my DH. As my DH form of punishment to me when he is pissed is days of silent treatment, and invisibility (treating me as if I am invisible).

Give me steps on disengaging. I have started telling SS (starting last week) to "ask dad" because DH always put everything on me so DH wasn't the bad guy. DH would even tell me since the boys where little.. "you handle, I am not going to be the bad guy". That in the long run has caused resentment towards me. And now that I think about it, my DH would know this because he was a SF before he got with me, with his ex-wifes kids.

packermom4ever
by Still The Queen on Jun. 7, 2014 at 1:03 PM
2 moms liked this


Quoting chanizen:


One of my friends says "god makes teens intolerable so that you will shove them out of the nest". my own 13 year old dd has her - ahem - moments.  teens.  Can't live with them.  Can't duct tape them to a tree.

I just stick mine in the closet. 


chanizen
by Platinum Member on Jun. 7, 2014 at 1:24 PM
2 moms liked this
First, let dad and ss know that you will be stepping back and why

Second, start redirecting ss to dad for.... Lunch, rides, discipline, complaints, chores laundry.... Whatever you are disengaging from. Let dad handle it. If he does not...: don't do it. If something is in your way (like a dish). Move it and let dh know where it is and why it is his responsibility. (It is there because ss made the dish but did not clean it). If dh leaves it.... Let it be. You could always bag it and put it in the garage.... Or his car. And go get a nice manicure.

I use the phrase "please explain". Please explain to your dad why you think it is ok to make a dish and leave it in the sink". Or "please explain to your dad why you refused to brush your teeth when asked". Then I leave the room:

Then wait and see if attitudes change. It may take a while..... Try to stay open to it.

Quoting Javamom00:

I absolutley believe and need to disengage. I have done it in the past. Then the counteract, my DH pulls me aside and says he cant take being the middle of SS and I.  And that I need to be the one to fix it. Where DH has basically made me feel like I need kiss my SS behind. DH needs to be the one to fix it. I do agree as well that I let things get to a certain point because I did not want to have indifferneces with my DH. As my DH form of punishment to me when he is pissed is days of silent treatment, and invisibility (treating me as if I am invisible).

Give me steps on disengaging. I have started telling SS (starting last week) to "ask dad" because DH always put everything on me so DH wasn't the bad guy. DH would even tell me since the boys where little.. "you handle, I am not going to be the bad guy". That in the long run has caused resentment towards me. And now that I think about it, my DH would know this because he was a SF before he got with me, with his ex-wifes kids.

chanizen
by Platinum Member on Jun. 7, 2014 at 1:26 PM
Lol. Does it work?

There are some days when the mouth can be overwhelming!!!!

My mother says it is the parents curse coming true!!!!

Quoting packermom4ever:

Quoting chanizen:

One of my friends says "god makes teens intolerable so that you will shove them out of the nest". my own 13 year old dd has her - ahem - moments.  teens.  Can't live with them.  Can't duct tape them to a tree.

I just stick mine in the closet. 

packermom4ever
by Still The Queen on Jun. 7, 2014 at 1:29 PM


Quoting chanizen: Lol. Does it work? There are some days when the mouth can be overwhelming!!!! My mother says it is the parents curse coming true!!!!
That is what I have been told, but I think I've either blocked that out or I wasn't as mouthy as some proclaim. 
Just yesterday she came very close to seeing my head explode. 

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