SS wants DH and I divorced, DH denies it new Update at bottom in red... OMG
FYI: I don't like speaking in the abbreviations. I tend to run sentences or skip back and forth. If I could use the names of my family.. it would be more of a time line and story then paragraphs of topics. Due to the confidentiality of my family. Is is what it is. BM has family members on here that try to friend me all the time.
My DH and I have been together for 8 years. I have a DS the same age as SS, then we have one together. DH son and my son live with us full time. We have custody of both our children. SS always was close to me, we bonded well from age 4. Both SS and DS are 14 now. My son has always been raised to respect his SF and my DH has always been part of my DS discipline and growth, every aspect of his life since we have been together. My son calls his SF..Dad. By choice, on his own will. (DS has stated at age 13, that his SF has been the one to teach him how to grow and mature as a young man and all the communicating and discipline and one on one time together he has realized how much his SF has taught him and been that father figure for him)
DS father is involved in his life, but not much. Only on vacation times.
SS mom stepped out of his life less and less about three years ago, and two years ago-completely.
About three years ago, as the boys hit the puberty time, my SS began being rude and mean making comments to me to get me angry. As he gets older he will tell me he is not speaking to me only his father. SS has told my son behind closed doors that he wishes we where divorced but would miss his little brother. Stated that his little brother is more his than DS. (DS is adopted from previous marriage) then in the same conversation stated he doesn't believe in adoption because a kid can only have one mom. Also said he wishes he was an only child so he could have everything he wanted. I have told my husband from the beginning that I would never get in the way of his and his son's relationship. That I would leave. However since we have a child together now. That would not be a possability, so easily. However, I am so confused, because my DS's are seeing b\me being treated like shit and it being allowed. The 5 year old has to get punished for copying these behaviors which is not fair. As my older DS was always punished and corrected for the same behavior. I have already went through this with b\my oldest, when he was the same age as my youngest now. I feel like I am traveling back in time. It's not fair nor right at any angle. How can it be corrected. (the DH has too, but that is not even a possability) Old school, sweep it under the rug is his personality. Or ignore it and it will go away.
SS has never been an only child. He has an older brother. That is 12 years older than him. However, DH has had sole custody of SS since age 2.
Never have I pushed this child to accepting or coercing him, into me being his mom. Just having two boys the same exact age, I treated them the same, did all the things with them the same. It was like having twins. i have rooted both on, I have coached teams, bday parties, friends. (Just my SS I could never be the disciplinarian with because I wasn't his mother) My children know what they can and can't do. My DS has never been able to get away with the things my SS does, because I would not tolereate
I don't understand the anger and hatred. My DS gets so pissed watching his SB get away with treating me this way, and their littel brother learning to treat me the same way.
I have told DH all the conversations that SS has said to me and my son. DH ignores the situation. The actions are so clear. Even the tone of voice and facial expressions SS makes and says to me are so obvious that even my DS friends have commented on how SS treats me when they are over. DH tells me he has brought SS out on rides to discuss this numerous times and SS keeps telling he has never said this stuff. Then I point out to DH the situations I have caught SS lying about other topics and incidents, etc. Then the conversation is ended in disgust with DH. I will then stop doing the extra stuff for SS and tell him to have his dad do them with him, and then SS will be balanced with me for a day or two, so I will do it for him. So I have in a sense tried disengaging and placing DH in the role that I have been doing for all these years, caretaker, whatever you want to call it.
Any advice on how to handle this in a positive manner? I don't need bashing saying that I am not his mom, so on and so forth. I am a woman who has been raising him to the best as I can and trying to mold him into a great young man that will grow in life and society.
He has stated to me the same as I just said. You could say I quoted him, which I know comes from his mother. He has told me about some conversations they have had in the years since I was involved and became part of his life. Because the one time in 8 years that she has said any words to me was "he is not your child he is mine" (But she hasn't seen or spoke to him in over two years. Almost right after that statement)
" you are a woman raising another woman's child the best you can"
DSS had a friends sleep over, I even allowed SS to take the family PS3 Into his bedroom so they could play and not wake up the family. SS is a night owl. at 1:30 iin the morning I heard the f-bomb being dropped. Startled me right out of my sleep. The boys where playing an online game. I correct the action, stating to SS and friend that the language SS was using is not allowed in out house, and apologized to his friend for having to be part of that behavior in my home. I could not go back to sleep. I hear SS stating to friend that I am only here because I need help financilally and could not do it if I was not here. (WHERE the hell would he get a comment llike that>>>). Along with a few other comments and deragatory words that where being used while talking about me. To his friend. And his friend is following suit. I politley walk in (somehow calmly), and as for them to repeat to me the conversaton they where having about me. They both just laugh at my comments about saying F%$# over and over. I said "No, the one you where having 30 seconds ago about me". Ghost faces on both of them. ( I make a good salary, and am a General Manager for a restaurat).I am shaking and blood boiling through all of this. I try telling dad in the middle of the night, he says nothing besides gets up and has a cigaette. It took all my inner strength to not haul off and belt him. (I have never laid a hand on this child btw) My DS has even heard my SS "say what is she going to do, she can't do anything to me" I leave it be. Meanwhile, through all this, My DS is boiling hearing his mom be talked and treated like this. (My son was in his bedroomwhich is 5 feet from SS. OMG. My son is doing all he can to stay calm. (my son also protects the 5 year old from SS rough and rudeness)
So this morning in front of his friend, this is how I handled It. (to the friend): I am sorry you where part of what occurred in this house last night. Please help yourself to breakfast. I will be bringing you home after you eat, due to SS behavior last night. To SS: you failed to tell your friend that I just quit a career where I was making X amount of income so I could be home with you more, and that for the past X amount of years you have never gone with out anything you have wanted from $100 sneakers and jerseys, $300.00 picture frames of your favority bball stars. So you stated everything negative to your firiend but none of the positive. You hurt me more than I thought you could SS, and for what purpose. I have never done anything to provole this in the x amount of years I have raised you. (DH has sole custody since age 2). I did this all so calmly and politely, I surprised myself, because I was shaking the whole time.
I am humilated, disgusted, and done. Advice?