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To step or not to step.

Posted by on Jun. 10, 2014 at 1:21 PM
  • 22 Replies
OK, so I'm very new to this. Here is a little background. My bf, and his ex have been divorced for two years. I am the first girl he introduced to his children since the divorce. At first, he explained to me he would like it if it were only as friends. Because he was afraid of hurting his daughter9 who may still be having difficulty with the divorce. I have two daughters of my own, and one day on our group hang out sessions, I was braiding my girls hair, and asked his daughter if she would like hers braided too. When he took them back to BM she threw a fit and told DD to never allow another woman to touch her hair. Then threatened my bf to take him back to court. I felt like crap, I didn't mean for something so little to be blown out if proportion. Well the threat weighed on bf pretty harshly and he ended up in a work accident that was pretty serious. I ended up moving in with him, to take care of him. Feeling awkward and unsure however to be when his kids came over. I kept to acting as friends. Til one day, when ex a bf were arguing. She guilt tripped him about something with DD said he needed to apologize to her. When she got on the phone before he could say anything, she asked if he and I were together.He asked why she would ask then BM got on the phone and said, because your lying and she needs to realize your a liar. He denied and told his DD she was the center of his world, and would work at her pace. (I know it's a lie, but I see it as he was trying to make her comfortable) The following weeks we talked to her back and forth, and let her feel like she hooked us up. And for a moment things were Good. However this times never last. When we tell her of things that happened while she was with BM she gets jealous, compares it to her. She doesn't like when he takes pride in something I do. I've gotten so uncomfortable I ask to do my own thing when sk come to visit. He doesn't let me, says he wants her to get used to her future step Mom. I took the whole lot of us out to dinner one night, at my job. When my coworkers asked about all the kids, I introduced them as my step children. Just to save breath of my bfs children. She got uncomfortable. I've given him suggestions of doing special activities with her, a Daddy daughter date night. He talked to her about it, and She told me, don't get jealous.. she didn't know it was my idea. I feel like I'm in competition with my man's daughter.. I hate it, its very uncomfortable. Now he's talking about buying a house together. He already planned on buying one but now wants a bigger one for me and my children too. This terrifies me. If things don't get better, I feel I'll get bullied out if my own home. Then my children and I will be homeless because it didn't work out. I'm thinking of getting my own apartment instead. Not because I want space from my bf, but because I want a safety net... So step or not to step.. that is the question.
by on Jun. 10, 2014 at 1:21 PM
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Replies (1-10):
Shortbutt
by New Member on Jun. 10, 2014 at 1:37 PM
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Sounds more like the BM than anything. Your man needs to put his foot down and tell BM that she can't talk about him or you in a bad way to his kids. It's called parental alienation, and judges frown upon that. What you should have him do is start keeping a journal of all the negative things she says to him in front of kids or what the kids say she says. Just document everything, keep texts, ect. So, if it does go to court she'll be the bad guy and not your man. 

bothsidesofcoin
by Member on Jun. 10, 2014 at 1:41 PM
BM is still in control of your life together. His DD is bring used as a pawn and to manipulate bF. Try sit him down and tell him how you feel because as His DD gets older it will only get worse. And she will then use manipulation to her own advantage to. Boundaries need to be set.
jules2boys
by Gold Member on Jun. 10, 2014 at 1:42 PM
1 mom liked this

I'm sorry, I'm confused by all of your 'she's' in here.  I'm not sure if you're talking about BM saying something or his DD.  Can you re-explain the story so I can follow along?  Or maybe someone else can read through this better than I am. 

If I'm guessing correctly though, no matter which 'she' you're talking about, it sounds like BF and BM haven't separated as much as they should have after being divorced for 2 years.  It's up to BF to set up these boundaries, and it's up to him how much he will/won't let BM into his life with you.  So far it sounds like she has way too much say in things.  It's also up to him to set boundaries with his DD.  If there is 'competition' between you (adult) and her (child), he can help correct this.  He can counter things that BM may or may not be telling their child, but the communication needs to come from him.   It can also help, if his DD is jealous of the things he's doing with you/your kids when she's with BM, if he brings up the things she's doing with BM when he's not around, to let her see that life goes on, no matter whose home she's in.  And, it's all ok. 

But, my thought is, if you're questioning whether to move in with him (into a larger, more permanent home) or not, or to marry him or not, WAIT.  If there is a question, it's not the right time.  Date longer, get to the bottom of some of these things/issues first.  It's ok to date for a lot longer while you're all figuring this stuff out. 

OvrMyHead
by Silver Member on Jun. 10, 2014 at 1:51 PM
1 mom liked this

 Sounds like you may have moved in with this guy too soon.  How do your kids feel about living with him and having him in their lives?  Your kids need to be your first priority as his dd is his first priority. 

I would not live with someone if I didn't feel comfortable.  Now, that being said, there are always issues that are going to come up and its up to you and your husband to work through them. It starts though, with introducing his dd to his new GF and letting DD know that you are now an important part of his life and that you and he will be a team.  Then there is a whole adjustment and it takes work and time.

That all being said, you have to do what is best for your kids.

Bellatrisque
by Member on Jun. 10, 2014 at 3:01 PM
I reread my post, and I do say a lot of she's and hers. However they all refer to his daughter. BM is always mentioned as such. But I see what your saying. It seems she liked it when he was single, and it seemed like his life would hibernate in-between visits. Thank you for assuring waiting is Good, however I'm worried he will think me having my own place is a step to breaking up.

Quoting jules2boys:

I'm sorry, I'm confused by all of your 'she's' in here.  I'm not sure if you're talking about BM saying something or his DD.  Can you re-explain the story so I can follow along?  Or maybe someone else can read through this better than I am. 

If I'm guessing correctly though, no matter which 'she' you're talking about, it sounds like BF and BM haven't separated as much as they should have after being divorced for 2 years.  It's up to BF to set up these boundaries, and it's up to him how much he will/won't let BM into his life with you.  So far it sounds like she has way too much say in things.  It's also up to him to set boundaries with his DD.  If there is 'competition' between you (adult) and her (child), he can help correct this.  He can counter things that BM may or may not be telling their child, but the communication needs to come from him.   It can also help, if his DD is jealous of the things he's doing with you/your kids when she's with BM, if he brings up the things she's doing with BM when he's not around, to let her see that life goes on, no matter whose home she's in.  And, it's all ok. 

But, my thought is, if you're questioning whether to move in with him (into a larger, more permanent home) or not, or to marry him or not, WAIT.  If there is a question, it's not the right time.  Date longer, get to the bottom of some of these things/issues first.  It's ok to date for a lot longer while you're all figuring this stuff out. 

faerie75
by Platinum Member on Jun. 10, 2014 at 3:07 PM

 youre giving her and BM too much power. his dating you is grown folk business and not up to her. idk what to suggest at this point.

weve never let our kids dictate out dating life and they have never tried. i think they know its not up to them.

Bellatrisque
by Member on Jun. 10, 2014 at 3:07 PM
I agree, we moved in very quickly. But his accident was very serious, and he actually expected me to leave since we just started seeing each other. He needed constant help. Now he is much better and doesn't need me constantly. My children are young, and are easily adjusted to staying with him. They like him, and his children, and haven't forgot about their Dad. I talk to them about all of my choices and let them tell me what they think and want. They get a vote in where life takes us. Young or not.

Quoting OvrMyHead:

 Sounds like you may have moved in with this guy too soon.  How do your kids feel about living with him and having him in their lives?  Your kids need to be your first priority as his dd is his first priority. 


I would not live with someone if I didn't feel comfortable.  Now, that being said, there are always issues that are going to come up and its up to you and your husband to work through them. It starts though, with introducing his dd to his new GF and letting DD know that you are now an important part of his life and that you and he will be a team.  Then there is a whole adjustment and it takes work and time.


That all being said, you have to do what is best for your kids.

Birdseed
by Platinum Member on Jun. 10, 2014 at 3:08 PM
1 mom liked this

The mobile app doesn't seem to pay attention to formatting so just breaking this up a bit and correcting some punctuation for you so you might get more responses.

Quoting Bellatrisque: OK, so I'm very new to this. Here is a little background. My bf, and his ex have been divorced for two years. I am the first girl he introduced to his children since the divorce. At first, he explained to me he would like it if it were only as friends. Because he was afraid of hurting his daughter9 who may still be having difficulty with the divorce.
I have two daughters of my own, and one day on our group hang out sessions, I was braiding my girls hair, and asked his daughter if she would like hers braided too. When he took them back to BM she threw a fit and told DD to never allow another woman to touch her hair. Then threatened my bf to take him back to court. I felt like crap, I didn't mean for something so little to be blown out if proportion. Well the threat weighed on bf pretty harshly.
He ended up in a work accident that was pretty serious. I ended up moving in with him, to take care of him. Feeling awkward and unsure how to be when his kids came over. I kept to acting as friends. Til one day, when ex a bf were arguing. BM guilt tripped him about something with SD said he needed to apologize to her. When SD got on the phone, before he could say anything, SD asked if he and I were together.He asked why she would ask then BM got on the phone and said, because your lying and DD needs to realize your a liar.
He denied and told his DD she was the center of his world, and would work at her pace. (I know it's a lie, but I see it as he was trying to make her comfortable) The following weeks we talked to her back and forth, and let her feel like she hooked us up. And for a moment things were Good. However these times never last.
When we tell her of things that happened while she was with BM she gets jealous, compares it to her. She doesn't like when he takes pride in something I do. I've gotten so uncomfortable I ask to do my own thing when sk come to visit. He doesn't let me, says he wants her to get used to her future step Mom.
I took the whole lot of us out to dinner one night, at my job. When my coworkers asked about all the kids, I introduced them as my step children. Just to save breath of my bfs children. SD got uncomfortable.
I've given him suggestions of doing special activities with her, a Daddy daughter date night. He talked to her about it, and SD told me, don't get jealous.. she didn't know it was my idea. I feel like I'm in competition with my man's daughter.. I hate it, its very uncomfortable.
Now he's talking about buying a house together. He already planned on buying one but now wants a bigger one for me and my children too. This terrifies me. If things don't get better, I feel I'll get bullied out if my own home. Then my children and I will be homeless because it didn't work out. I'm thinking of getting my own apartment instead. Not because I want space from my bf, but because I want a safety net... So step or not to step.. that is the question.


jules2boys
by Gold Member on Jun. 10, 2014 at 3:08 PM

And that's where good communication comes in.  You don't want to hurt his DD nor your children.  You feel that by moving in 'soon' (and August will be here before you know it) with things the way they are, this won't be good for any of the children.  When his DD is with BM, you can come to his place to see him. When yours are with their BF, he can come to your place to see you.  In the mean time, he can work on the issues his DD  (and BM since he's letting her have so much say in things) has with you, or him dating, whatever the case may be, and when things are different, you two can work on moving in together, if that's still best for 'all' involved.  Maybe it was enough time for him (2 years divorced) but not enough for her?  Maybe no one told her he may date and bring someone new in her life?  Maybe BM brought someone new in her life and things didn't go well, so she's a bit 'gun shy' now of anyone new in her life?  Maybe he just needs to put his foot down with her and tell BM to butt out and DD that he's the adult, he wants you and your children in his life, as well as his DD, and work on ways to help her feel good about gaining another adult in her life, and step-siblings too!  If she's an only child at BMs, but one of 3 in your home (shared with BF), that's a lot to take in. 

How long have you and BF dated?  Kids view time differently than adults, and it's ever changing, as they are too.  Some kids go with the flow, some don't.  BF has a lot of work cut out for him I think.  :)   Good luck!

Quoting Bellatrisque: I reread my post, and I do say a lot of she's and hers. However they all refer to his daughter. BM is always mentioned as such. But I see what your saying. It seems she liked it when he was single, and it seemed like his life would hibernate in-between visits. Thank you for assuring waiting is Good, however I'm worried he will think me having my own place is a step to breaking up.
Quoting jules2boys:

I'm sorry, I'm confused by all of your 'she's' in here.  I'm not sure if you're talking about BM saying something or his DD.  Can you re-explain the story so I can follow along?  Or maybe someone else can read through this better than I am. 

If I'm guessing correctly though, no matter which 'she' you're talking about, it sounds like BF and BM haven't separated as much as they should have after being divorced for 2 years.  It's up to BF to set up these boundaries, and it's up to him how much he will/won't let BM into his life with you.  So far it sounds like she has way too much say in things.  It's also up to him to set boundaries with his DD.  If there is 'competition' between you (adult) and her (child), he can help correct this.  He can counter things that BM may or may not be telling their child, but the communication needs to come from him.   It can also help, if his DD is jealous of the things he's doing with you/your kids when she's with BM, if he brings up the things she's doing with BM when he's not around, to let her see that life goes on, no matter whose home she's in.  And, it's all ok. 

But, my thought is, if you're questioning whether to move in with him (into a larger, more permanent home) or not, or to marry him or not, WAIT.  If there is a question, it's not the right time.  Date longer, get to the bottom of some of these things/issues first.  It's ok to date for a lot longer while you're all figuring this stuff out.

Birdseed
by Platinum Member on Jun. 10, 2014 at 3:27 PM
1 mom liked this

I think that your gut instinct to have your own place and slow this down is spot on.

I understand why circumstances made it reasonable to move in together, but I thnk that if you are pushed onto SD the way it is right now, you're going to find it very challenging. 

Further, it doesn't sound like BM is totally over things.

Choosing to get/keep your own place is not letting SD or BM "win"...it's being smart.  Your kids need stability, not drama.  YOU need that too.  Everyone does.  Your boyfriend needs to find a way to have a solid relationship with his daugher where she isn't feeling in competition as it is right now. 

If she's only at Dad's EOWE, there is plenty of time to see him when she's not there.  I think that were I in your shoes, I'd get an apartment and hang in a holding pattern for awhile til things settle down.

I'm not saying that kids should dictate our relationships nor that BM should. But it seems like too much too fast and with a little separation, it might simmer down and be more enjoyable.

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