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The evil connotation behind the label "step mom"

Posted by on Jun. 10, 2014 at 11:49 PM
  • 145 Replies
3 moms liked this
I had a conversation with SD9 that I thought was interesting. I know that many SMs unwittingly come up against an "evil SM" stereotype at some point, and many can be viewed as overbearing, overstepping, and hostile towards the kids and their relationship with their dad - whether it's deserved or not, the common and easy theme is to blame SM.

As a SM that's just a shy, quiet, normal person that just happens to love a man who has previously procreated, I've particularly struggled with the stereotypes that were generated the instant I married a man with kids. Because I don't feel like I changed at all from being single to being married. I'm not suddenly evil, or overbearing, or overstepping, etc.

So, for the past couple of weeks or so I've noticed that SD9 has been referring to me as "my dad's wife" instead of "step mom" when talking to other people. So tonight I asked her, just out of curiosity, why it all of a sudden changed from "my step mom" to "my dad's wife". And she said, "Because I feel like once I say step mom, people will automatically assume you're mean, and I don't want them to think that".

It was an interesting illustration of how deep the evil SM scenario goes. Anyone else have any experience with fighting these stereotypes?
by on Jun. 10, 2014 at 11:49 PM
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Replies (1-10):
codysara
by Bronze Member on Jun. 11, 2014 at 12:16 AM
1 mom liked this
Awe, that is so sad and so sweet at the same time!!
runinpinkshoes
by Silver Member on Jun. 11, 2014 at 12:38 AM
1 mom liked this
I know, totally! It's a bummer to me that there's such a huge stigma about being a stepmom. I don't really get it. We're all people. :)

Quoting codysara: Awe, that is so sad and so sweet at the same time!!
codysara
by Bronze Member on Jun. 11, 2014 at 12:42 AM
2 moms liked this
I am BM and SM. I see both sides and it is awful what BMs continue furthering this stigma. I truly believe that they are selfish and insecure unless SM has actually caused harm. (Not just what BM perceives as harm by giving the kid a bedtime or healthy meal)

Quoting runinpinkshoes: I know, totally! It's a bummer to me that there's such a huge stigma about being a stepmom. I don't really get it. We're all people. :)

Quoting codysara: Awe, that is so sad and so sweet at the same time!!
soonergirl980
by Gold Member on Jun. 11, 2014 at 1:02 AM
3 moms liked this
I think dad's wife is a much better standard term than stepmom for the majority of cases
Birdseed
by Platinum Member on Jun. 11, 2014 at 1:09 AM
2 moms liked this

Your story is precious.

Most of the time, I'm called neither SM nor Dad's wife.  I'm Birdseed.  I like it that way.

OP, have you ever read Stepmonster?  It's rather enlightening.  My DH and I were both referred to that by a counselor as well as having it recommended here.  It really made a lot of sense to both of us.

momof2ex1
by Ruby Member on Jun. 11, 2014 at 1:41 AM
4 moms liked this
I wish you wouldn't make general statements. You don't like stereotypes but here you are - lumping all moms in to the same category and fitting us in to your little box. Except yourself of course.

I've got plenty of stepmom friends and I don't think a single one of them is evil or awful. Or else I wouldn't be friends with them.
Quoting codysara: I am BM and SM. I see both sides and it is awful what BMs continue furthering this stigma. I truly believe that they are selfish and insecure unless SM has actually caused harm. (Not just what BM perceives as harm by giving the kid a bedtime or healthy meal)
Quoting runinpinkshoes: I know, totally! It's a bummer to me that there's such a huge stigma about being a stepmom. I don't really get it. We're all people. :)

Quoting codysara: Awe, that is so sad and so sweet at the same time!!
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codysara
by Bronze Member on Jun. 11, 2014 at 2:04 AM
Are you stalking me? Thats 3 different posts in 10 minutes.

Im not lumping all moms since ffs. I am a BM and SM.

It is pretty easy to see on this site which "moms" do not put the kids relationships outside of themselves first.
There is a reason this stereotypical thinking occurs today, it is not because of the handful of bad SM, it is the hundreds of BM that hear the few stories amd think we are all evil.

Quoting momof2ex1: I wish you wouldn't make general statements. You don't like stereotypes but here you are - lumping all moms in to the same category and fitting us in to your little box. Except yourself of course. I've got plenty of stepmom friends and I don't think a single one of them is evil or awful. Or else I wouldn't be friends with them.
Quoting codysara: I am BM and SM. I see both sides and it is awful what BMs continue furthering this stigma. I truly believe that they are selfish and insecure unless SM has actually caused harm. (Not just what BM perceives as harm by giving the kid a bedtime or healthy meal)
Quoting runinpinkshoes: I know, totally! It's a bummer to me that there's such a huge stigma about being a stepmom. I don't really get it. We're all people. :)

Quoting codysara: Awe, that is so sad and so sweet at the same time!!
codysara
by Bronze Member on Jun. 11, 2014 at 2:05 AM
If you dont fit the profile than it is obviously not about you.

Quoting momof2ex1: I wish you wouldn't make general statements. You don't like stereotypes but here you are - lumping all moms in to the same category and fitting us in to your little box. Except yourself of course. I've got plenty of stepmom friends and I don't think a single one of them is evil or awful. Or else I wouldn't be friends with them.
Quoting codysara: I am BM and SM. I see both sides and it is awful what BMs continue furthering this stigma. I truly believe that they are selfish and insecure unless SM has actually caused harm. (Not just what BM perceives as harm by giving the kid a bedtime or healthy meal)
Quoting runinpinkshoes: I know, totally! It's a bummer to me that there's such a huge stigma about being a stepmom. I don't really get it. We're all people. :)

Quoting codysara: Awe, that is so sad and so sweet at the same time!!
whatIknownow
by Emerald Member on Jun. 11, 2014 at 6:40 AM
2 moms liked this

I have never had an issue with any stereotype. I don't recall anyone thinking I was mean, or evil. In fact I've experienced the opposite. When people find out I'm a custodial SM, they are generally impressed and think I'm a selfless, generous person to help my husband raise his kids.

leegirl_jm
by Ruby Member on Jun. 11, 2014 at 6:40 AM
2 moms liked this
I don't like the stepmother title at all, I don't use it in real life and generally DH having another child is not mentioned. I was on MC where there was a post that all stepmothers are homewreckers and recently on here all SMs are lumped into a very negative category so I am not too keen to embrace that title. I love being Dad's wife.
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