Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

Stepmom Central Stepmom Central

When is it OK to "end the visit and send the child home"? CONCLUSIONS

Posted by on Jun. 15, 2014 at 1:20 PM
  • 81 Replies
1 mom liked this

I have posted before about BF wanting to send a bitchy, 15 year old DD home while in the middle of one of herhormonally charged rages/breakdowns.  As in ending the visit and home being my home.

for both selfish (I didn't want to deal with the incident he created - she really was a challenge then) reasons and practical reasons.  I felt like he would be relinquishing any chance he had of being a true parent if he just gave up on her, categorized his time with his DDs as visits and didn't consider his home their home also.

Thoughts?  Is it ever appropriate?  

And of course if the child is causing physical harm, some separation might be necessary for awhile.  But other than physically harming other children, when is it appropriate.

I am curious about this from all perspectives.  Would your DH send his kids away?  As a SM, would you return your skids?  BM, would you return your kids?

CONCLUSIONS

So, after 64 replies from 28 unique members, I can confidently say that 25 of you would not send a horribly misbehaving child - step or bio - back home to the other parent.  You would deal with it.   One SM sent SDs in their 20's away for physical assault.  Another SM sent skid to BM while caring for him/her alone without DH for an extended period of time and the kid was being a rebellious, difficult teen.  In the second case, if her DH had been home, he would not have returned the child.

And one example got confusing but skid was sent away to protect the privacy of a bio.

So, is it just that the people who responded to the thread that inspired this post just didn't respond here and that is why it seems so overwhelming that kids don't get sent away for misbehaving?  Who are the posters that quickly advise to send the kid back to mom if they don't know how to behave?  Are these the same posters (and I will go out on a limb here and say it is a particular subset of angry, unhappy SMs) who blame BM for all that is wrong with a skid even if her beloved DH has custody?

Anyway, I am sure we will continue t read advice to send the kid back to Mom. 

by on Jun. 15, 2014 at 1:20 PM
Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Replies (1-10):
macbudsmom
by Silver Member on Jun. 15, 2014 at 1:24 PM
1 mom liked this
No I would never consider that an option. You created them... you are obligated to deal with them. If your spouse doesnt want to deal with it they can go do something on their own. Bio parents shouldnt just accept their kids on good days.
codysara
by Bronze Member on Jun. 15, 2014 at 1:25 PM
1 mom liked this
Not appropriate unless there is physical violence ever. Part of being a parent is dealing with the tough situations. Not just the warm fuzzy happy times.
momof2ex1
by Ruby Member on Jun. 15, 2014 at 1:29 PM
When the child is miserable and begs to go home. Not just mad that they aren't getting their way. But literally miserable - vomiting, crying for the other parent for days on end, nothing makes them happy, an obvious state of depression. It's time to reconnect the child with the other parent for a short time and then resume the visit.

This is why we do a 2 week schedule for dd. She does fine now but at age 6-8, the entire 6 weeks away was very overwhelming. After a couple of weeks she just started declining mentally. Last summer bf sent her home after 3 weeks because she was just miserable and sad. But after a couple of days with me she was fine and was able to go back for another week.
Posted on CafeMom Mobile
Silent_Sea
by Gold Member on Jun. 15, 2014 at 1:30 PM
Good questions.

I have asked DH to take SS out of the house when my hormonal ODD was having a melt down and I didn't want it to get repeated by SS to his mom. So, in that context yes I would send SS to his mom to protect the privacy of my children if DH wasn't there to buffer.

All the reasons I can think of would be based on DH not being present and my not feeling like I should have to balance the responsibility. Otherwise, no we wouldn't send SS to his mom's for any other reason I can think of.
whatIknownow
by Ruby Member on Jun. 15, 2014 at 1:33 PM

No, my DH would not send his kids away, but their mother did, a few times. There were many times she brought them back early because they were misbehaving.She actually said to them, "if you don't behave better, you can't come see me anymore." I was standing right there when she said it. But she is hardly the yardstick to measure a mother (or a parent) by.

As a BM, no --  my kids lived here so I would not have sent them away if they misbehaved.

Sarahb21
by Bronze Member on Jun. 15, 2014 at 1:35 PM

No, he wouldn't. It's his kid. If BM wasn't in the picture he couldn't just send his kid back to her. I think sending them away because you only want a happy, well behaving child is ridiculous. Kids aren't always that way and it's up to the parent to teach them the way to behave and to deal with behaviors that aren't always ideal.

packermom4ever
by Still The Queen on Jun. 15, 2014 at 1:36 PM

When SM doesn't understand why she might be put on the backburner for a little bit of time so that dad can spend some one on one with a child he hasn't seen in almost a year of course.

Adults shouldn't have to share a parent. Ever. The adults are more important than any kid except their own.

codysara
by Bronze Member on Jun. 15, 2014 at 1:36 PM
2 moms liked this
That scenario doesnt make sense to me. Why does DH and SS get punished because your DD is having a melt down? When I have my 3 boys and 1 is losing his shit I dont call up xh to come protect the other 2 and take them home. Why should are time be limited because of crispy behaviour by a sibling (step or not)

Quoting Silent_Sea: Good questions.

I have asked DH to take SS out of the house when my hormonal ODD was having a melt down and I didn't want it to get repeated by SS to his mom. So, in that context yes I would send SS to his mom to protect the privacy of my children if DH wasn't there to buffer.

All the reasons I can think of would be based on DH not being present and my not feeling like I should have to balance the responsibility. Otherwise, no we wouldn't send SS to his mom's for any other reason I can think of.
pdxmum
by Ruby Member on Jun. 15, 2014 at 1:42 PM
2 moms liked this

I agree.  When DD20 was younger, she was awful.  Cursing, screaming.  I never sent the boys back to their mom's to protect Dd but I would suggest DH take everyone, including. YDD out for ice cream or something.   It was vitally important that they saw the full cycle of ODDs rages.  That she always calmed and she always apologized and things always worked out.  Lots of patience on my part.  But just sending them away without closure would have been wrong.  And if DD said stuff she should have been embarrassed about if others heard her, well, natural consequences.  

Quoting codysara: That scenario doesnt make sense to me. Why does DH and SS get punished because your DD is having a melt down? When I have my 3 boys and 1 is losing his shit I dont call up xh to come protect the other 2 and take them home. Why should are time be limited because of crispy behaviour by a sibling (step or not)
Quoting Silent_Sea: Good questions. I have asked DH to take SS out of the house when my hormonal ODD was having a melt down and I didn't want it to get repeated by SS to his mom. So, in that context yes I would send SS to his mom to protect the privacy of my children if DH wasn't there to buffer. All the reasons I can think of would be based on DH not being present and my not feeling like I should have to balance the responsibility. Otherwise, no we wouldn't send SS to his mom's for any other reason I can think of.


macbudsmom
by Silver Member on Jun. 15, 2014 at 1:43 PM
1 mom liked this
So you reward her bad behavior by kicking out your husbands child? Because you were afraid you would be seen as a bad mom or your daughter as a brat?

Quoting Silent_Sea: Good questions.

I have asked DH to take SS out of the house when my hormonal ODD was having a melt down and I didn't want it to get repeated by SS to his mom. So, in that context yes I would send SS to his mom to protect the privacy of my children if DH wasn't there to buffer.

All the reasons I can think of would be based on DH not being present and my not feeling like I should have to balance the responsibility. Otherwise, no we wouldn't send SS to his mom's for any other reason I can think of.
Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)