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Reformed StepMonster Here...It's Story Time! **NEW UPDATE**

Posted by on Jun. 18, 2014 at 10:19 AM
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2 moms liked this

Update #3 - 9/20/2014 - (STB)XH is like an onion and I'm peeling the lies back one layer at a time.  The level of his lies, betrayal, and abuse (emotional and psychological) knows no bounds.  I've just been told by my therapist that I suffer from at least a mild case of PTSD.  I've always been a touchy/feely-hug-it-out/physical-touch-is-my-love-language kinda girl.  Now?  I don't want to get close enough to let them touch me.  Close either physical (distance) or emotional. And that's not even getting into sex...i'm talking about platonic/familial stuff here.  I was asked out by a guy that I used to be friends with years ago (way before XH) - and had a panic attack.  

I am now not allowed to contact SD. I have only done so once, with his approval, and he intercepted the text message. I have been told that he will "let me know when she's ready to confront me."  He's accused me of being abusive to SD.  The first day of school was tough.  I mean TOUGH.  For 6 years, I was the one that made sure she had everything she needed for the first day of school.  I walked her to her classroom each year.  I met the teacher.  I hugged her goodbye.  I waved to her from the window when she was nervous.  Mom nor dad did that.  *I* did that.  It turned into a special deal for her and I.  And to miss out this year, the first year of middle school hurt more than I could even express in words.  

I've seen a few pictures of her - that mutual friends have posted on FB and such.  (Of course I'm not getting anything from him - and wouldn't expect to)  By all outward appearances she seems happy.  That's enough for me.  As long as she's happy and taken care of, I'm good.  What choice do I have otherwise?

XH has a girlfriend.  Has since before I left the house.  Been talking to her since before the separation.  I've met her.  She helped us move our stuff into our house.  How nice, eh?  I had a pretty good hunch that this was the case from the get-go.  But I just got confirmation this week.  

I still stand by what I said.  I don't regret anything *I* did for SD.  Not knowing how things would end, I don't regret anything.  I hate that she was possibly hurt by my departure and pray that XH has done what's needed to be done to make sure she's ok.  I still love her more than my own breath, and would lay my life down for her.  I only hope that anyone else that comes in her life respects the role that I played in her life and doesn't jump on the "tear Amy down" bandwagon that XH seems to be on.  

simple frown


Update #2 - 7/5/2014 - Momma, I'm coming home!! :)  I got offered a job last week, and am very excited about it!  I will be moving home over the next week or so and then home for good on the 17th.  The job is truly a godsend - it's exactly what I'm doing now, but for a state agency (state benies!), and included a decent raise.  STBXH is an ass.  Not really much more to say about that.  I'm still doing pretty good.  SD was at BM's and GM's for the past 2 weeks, I will see her tomorrow when she gets home.  I feel pretty confident XH will tell her about my job and me having a moving date before he gets home with her.  Sooo...we'll see how that goes.  Update #1 below aws a week ago, but I realized I never bumped the post...lol.

UPDATE:   Annnnnd now it's getting ugly.  In a very passive aggressive way.  And I'm juuuust not sure how much energy I have for this crap.  So, I saw a friend of mine this weekend who is still on STBX's FB.  He has blocked me, my family and most of my friends over the past few months.  (Me back in March(?), the rest as they demonstrate their loyalty to me in some way).  She made a flip comment when I walked into the restaurant she works at about "my new man".  I chuckled about it but didn't say anything.  But then I got to thinking...where did that come from....?  Soooo...I asked if she could still see him.  Sure enough!  He posted on FB last week that I had a new man, was leaving him and SD home to fend for themselves, whine whine whine. I'm opting for the "ignorance is bliss" tactic.  My friend didn't say anything to keep from being blocked.  I told her I didn't want to know anything he was saying unless it had criminal or legal implications - ie, if he starts saying that i'm beating him and SD then I want to know so I can be prepared - but beyond that - I won't stressing it. 

I just want to know.  Is my new man cute?  And good Lawd I hope he ain't got no kids.

Good Morning!  Non-newbies, you may remember me, TheStepMonster.  I wasn't as active here as I was in the drama/debate (that's meant as a title, not as a descriptor, btw) group...but I'm not joining any other group at this point...I will be gone before too much longer.  This is a new account, I left CM about a year ago, and am back to update and give some (not-so) sage advice.

So, in a matter of weeks or months, depending on when I find a job back home, I will no longer be StepMonster.  StepMom.  "Mom of the Home".  Whatever the case may be.  Step-moms?  Newbies?  Listen up, lemme tell ya a story.

I was married just over 7 years ago.  I was welcomed into my SD's life with open arms by everyone who was in hers - STBXH's family, BM, her family, her XHs family.  I settled into a routine with SD.  I was very active in her life with DH's and BM's blessings.  I did EC's, PTC's, doctor's visits, ER trips - all of it.  For seven years, and as late as 2 months ago, my STBXH would say "you are more of a mother to her than her own mom."  When her BM turned over custody almost 4 years ago she said to me "take my daughter and be her mother, because I can't".  Three weeks ago she said to me "It's not my place to be upset with anything you do because you are the one that's in there day in and day out taking care of her".  When she broke her arm in March, I was the one school called.  When we went to her IEP meeting to transfer her case from elementary to middle school, the elementary school assistant principal said to the middle school assistant principal "any issues, we call Amy".  And this was with the blessings of both mom and dad.

Two weeks ago today my STBXH and I came to the conclusion that we were going to divorce.  He made the initial overature, but at that point every ounce of fight came out of me.  I could no longer fight for my marriage alone.  Initially, I was devastated - not at the loss of him, but at the loss of my child.  Yes.  My Child.  I was told by everyone in my life that she was mine and to treat her as such.  And I did.  I have never said I loved her as my own, because I didn't have one of my own and I had nothing to compare to.  So, I always said I loved her more than my own breath.  And I still do.  However, in that conversation, he sneered and said he couldn't understand why I was so upset.  I replied it had nothing to do with losing him, but everything to do with losing her.  He looked at me and said "you just need to remember your role, you're step-mom.".  I looked at him, and said "oh, ok.", dried my eyes, and changed my attitude. 

I still love her more than my own breath.  However, he has relinquished me of the responsibility of her.  Things have been so crappy for the past 5 years off and on, and for the past 6 months consistently, perhaps I prepared for this more than I thought I did.  He's very angry with me because I am not doing all that I have done in the past.  He is now required to ask me before leaving me with  her.  What a change from being the first line and planning what I do around knowing I would be taking care of her.  I will no longer support her financially.  She has a mother for that and I'm not it. 

The moral of the story?  No matter how much YOU put into your marriage, it could end at any time.  He is now back peddaling and saying I was the one that asked for the divorce.  I did not ask for this, but in the end, I am more ok wiith it than I thought I was.  I do not regret any single thing I did for my SD.  I do not regret the time, money and energy I invested in her.  The pay cuts I took to be at home with her in the afternoons.  The extra jobs I worked to pay for her dance classes.  I regret none of it.  At the end of the day, I can answer to God, my family, his family, SD and her mom that *I* made the difference in the life of SD. 

So.  Be all that you can and want be to your SK's.  Support both parents (normal disclaimer applies).  But be prepared for it to end at any time.

by on Jun. 18, 2014 at 10:19 AM
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Replies (1-10):
leegirl_jm
by Ruby Member on Jun. 18, 2014 at 10:26 AM

I have thought about you from time to time, and I know we had a number of run ins but I am glad you have no regrets and good to see you back. You were a lost to the debate group. I am sure you can contribute a lot from your experiences to the newbies and some oldies here.

Quoting WasStepMonster:

.....

The moral of the story?  No matter how much YOU put into your marriage, it could end at any time.  He is now back peddaling and saying I was the one that asked for the divorce.  I did not ask for this, but in the end, I am more ok wiith it than I thought I was.  I do not regret any single thing I did for my SD.  I do not regret the time, money and energy I invested in her.  The pay cuts I took to be at home with her in the afternoons.  The extra jobs I worked to pay for her dance classes.  I regret none of it.  At the end of the day, I can answer to God, my family, his family, SD and her mom that *I* made the difference in the life of SD. 

So.  Be all that you can and want be to your SK's.  Support both parents (normal disclaimer applies).  But be prepared for it to end at any time.


Career Woman, Wife and Mother of Two Children, a Girl and a Boy.

WasStepMonster
by Member on Jun. 18, 2014 at 10:29 AM
1 mom liked this

 Thank you Lee :)  You're right - we did have our...ummm...disagreements?  But really, at the end of the day, we are pretty similar - 2 women doing what we do for the best of our families.  :)

Quoting leegirl_jm:

I have thought about you from time to time, and I know we had a number of run ins but I am glad you have no regrets and good to see you back. You were a lost to the debate group. I am sure you can contribute a lot from your experiences to the newbies and some oldies here.

Quoting WasStepMonster:

.....

The moral of the story?  No matter how much YOU put into your marriage, it could end at any time.  He is now back peddaling and saying I was the one that asked for the divorce.  I did not ask for this, but in the end, I am more ok wiith it than I thought I was.  I do not regret any single thing I did for my SD.  I do not regret the time, money and energy I invested in her.  The pay cuts I took to be at home with her in the afternoons.  The extra jobs I worked to pay for her dance classes.  I regret none of it.  At the end of the day, I can answer to God, my family, his family, SD and her mom that *I* made the difference in the life of SD. 

So.  Be all that you can and want be to your SK's.  Support both parents (normal disclaimer applies).  But be prepared for it to end at any time.

 

OvrMyHead
by Silver Member on Jun. 18, 2014 at 10:35 AM

 Sounds like this is a  huge loss to your SD who already lost her first intact family and now has to suffer a second loss.  Very sad.

oldproatthis
by Silver Member on Jun. 18, 2014 at 10:36 AM

You know, your story makes sense. If anything, God forbid ever happened between DH and I, I would never regret all that I have done for "my kids". They're innocent kids, stuck in a divorce situation, they deserve all from me and the best I have to give. The adult relationship is the complicated one, the SM one, actually, to me, not so much...I would be crushed, but have no regrets.

YNot4ever
by Bronze Member on Jun. 18, 2014 at 10:36 AM

I didn't know you before, I am one of those newbies... I will say this has always been in the back of my mind though.  My SS is not mine and well it could end at any time.  I have expressed that fear to my DH and he understands.  At this point, nothing indicates we are divorcing or anything like that, but the what if's always get me. 


I wish you the best!!  

WasStepMonster
by Member on Jun. 18, 2014 at 10:40 AM

 It is.  I guess one good point is that she has never known her BPs as an intact family.  They were never married and haven't been together, in the romantic sense, since before she was born.  She has suffered loss, in that her BM gave up custody of her and she was separated from her siblings 4 years ago.  But, she is a tough cookie - she's going to be just fine. 

Quoting OvrMyHead:

 Sounds like this is a  huge loss to your SD who already lost her first intact family and now has to suffer a second loss.  Very sad.

 

cdrainey3
by Cher on Jun. 18, 2014 at 11:01 AM
9 moms liked this
I recently came to the conclusion that being a step mom is the most selfless job or title there is. You literally Have to give without expecting ANYTHING back. With your own children the unconditional love you receive from them is rewarding enough. When you're a sm you always come 3rd. Even if you are more involved than mom, they always wish their mom was there. That's natural and ok, but just proves my point, being a sm is the hardest. If you give, you literally need to expect nothing back, and that is very, very hard. I'm sorry you are going through this. I hope you at least get to keep in touch with your sd. Best of luck!
OvrMyHead
by Silver Member on Jun. 18, 2014 at 11:15 AM

 What were your marriage issues (if you don't mind me asking)?  What advice do you have for us SMs?  I am a CSM btw.

Quoting WasStepMonster:

 It is.  I guess one good point is that she has never known her BPs as an intact family.  They were never married and haven't been together, in the romantic sense, since before she was born.  She has suffered loss, in that her BM gave up custody of her and she was separated from her siblings 4 years ago.  But, she is a tough cookie - she's going to be just fine. 

Quoting OvrMyHead:

 Sounds like this is a  huge loss to your SD who already lost her first intact family and now has to suffer a second loss.  Very sad.

 

 

Married, CSM to SD14 & SS12, CBM to DS12 & DD9

XXanonymousXX
by Silver Member on Jun. 18, 2014 at 11:28 AM
From my point of view, as a SM who does not want bios by choice, being a SM is also kind of selfish (in a non-evil way).

I now have a child in my life who lets me make her lunches and braid her hair. It doesn't make me a mom, but that's okay - I don't want to be one. But I wouldn't be able to have this experience without her.

Not to mention DH has a child, he isn't looking to me to give him one. As much as I dislike BM personally, I am truly thankful to her for that.

Quoting cdrainey3: I recently came to the conclusion that being a step mom is the most selfless job or title there is. You literally Have to give without expecting ANYTHING back. With your own children the unconditional love you receive from them is rewarding enough. When you're a sm you always come 3rd. Even if you are more involved than mom, they always wish their mom was there. That's natural and ok, but just proves my point, being a sm is the hardest. If you give, you literally need to expect nothing back, and that is very, very hard. I'm sorry you are going through this. I hope you at least get to keep in touch with your sd. Best of luck!
whatIknownow
by Emerald Member on Jun. 18, 2014 at 11:37 AM
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This is true except for the "you have to give" part. A SM doesnt' have to give anything. But I agree that if she *does* choose to give, she should not expect anything back. With your own biological kids, just the "giving" in and of itself is its own reward. That's not (usually) the case with stepkids.

Quoting cdrainey3: I recently came to the conclusion that being a step mom is the most selfless job or title there is. You literally Have to give without expecting ANYTHING back.


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