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Coddling children causing problems at home - advice.

Posted by on Jun. 18, 2014 at 12:25 PM
  • 34 Replies

I really just need a place to vent/hear advice...

BD is 7 years old. SD is 5 years old and DH and I have one on the way, due in August.

My daughter and DH daughter have both been raised only children. However, my daughter is very independent and always has been. She takes care of herself and is pretty thick skinned. Growing up she was the only child in the family, so she has spent the majority of her life around adults.

SD is five, she is a sweet, sweet girl I can't say that enough. However, she too was an only child. My SD is very tender hearted. She has her feelings hurt very easily, cries if you look at her the wrong way. Her BM coddles her a lot, to the point that she is almost insecure to venture out on her own and play with other children.

Just yesterday we were coming home from our neighborhood pool, my daughter quickly unbuckled and began running to the front door. I was getting out of the car when I immediatley started hearing screaming and crying. I opened the back door to find SD just sitting in her booster seat crying. She believed that I was just going to go inside and leave her there. I asked her why she thought that and she didn't have an answer. One of the issues I have with this is she is five, she knows how to unbuckle and open the door, yet she just sits there and waits for you to do it.

SD also has a major issue with tattling. The girls will be upstairs playing and SD will come downstairs to tell me that her sister is playing with the toy she wants, or sister is not doing something. I probably hear a tattle once every 2-3 minutes, I am not exaggerating. I am not saying my BD is perfect and that she is not in the wrong, but I want the girls to work things out. Siblings are going to argue\squabble from time to time, it's normal.

Another issue that I've noticed becoming increasingly  worse is the need for SD to tell who ever she is with, "I love you." This statement is said so frequently, I would dare to say every few sentences. There seems to be a lot of insecurities and I am doing the best I can, but I don't know how to deal with it, it's almost on auto pilot to just repeat it back each time. 

Yesterday my DH took SD home and we received a phone call shortly after that made my blood boil. Apparently SD went home and BM thought that she seemed anxious, which I've also been noticing, she also complained that her sister was mean to her. BM told us that, "In all good consiousness she cannot send SD over here if she is going to feel this way."


I don't know how to handle this situation. I understand that my own daughter isn't perfect and that I can start there. However, kids will be kids. They will argue from time to time over toys and who gets to sit next to Grammy (grandma) during church. We are obviously still working on the sharing. What I feel like I need help with is the major insecurities, and latching behaviors coming from SD. We have a baby coming soon and I am concerend that these behaviors are only going to get worse.

update: 6/19/14

**I realize a lot of you probably think I am an evil/heartless person. I am not, I am just worn a little thin right now, and having BM texting my DH constantly about how she thinks we need to fix this problem is putting a strain on us. Her most recent suggestion is that when we have SD he can leave our house for the weekend and possibly stay with his parents. um, no.

I am looking for ways to help SD feel more independent/confident when she is at our house. I've had several talks with DD, she is a very shall we say, "leader" when it comes to playing. I understand that DH needs to fix the problem with BM, she is a very difficult person. I just was venting about an ongoing problem, and ways I could help both girls find some middle ground in getting along.

by on Jun. 18, 2014 at 12:25 PM
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Replies (1-10):
amantonacci
by Platinum Member on Jun. 18, 2014 at 12:37 PM
What does your husband think about her behavior? Honestly she sounds like a normal 5 year old that has a lot of changes going on
oldproatthis
by Silver Member on Jun. 18, 2014 at 12:40 PM
5 moms liked this

I'm surprised, reading what you wrote that you are actually a parent yourself. Your SD5 is behaving totally normally for her age, going through a phase. She is about to have a younger half-sibling in your house, OF course this is affecting her.

This really isn't that hard. She wants reassurance, SHE'S A 5 YEAR OLD LITTLE GIRL. She's not a marine in basic. You simply show her how to unbuckle herself, and remind her gently to do it...start a new habit without emotions attached. When she says I love you, start saying it back with a hug, she'll be reassured and I guarantee she'll run and play and the behavior will calm down. As for tattling, stop being referree, don't listen to it or fix it. Just gently extinguish the behavior.

As for BM, let DH deal with her and her being upset. My SS is 6, about to have a new half-sibling at BMs house, BM is due next month, he's pissed as hell...and acting needy as hell. He's a just a six year old kid...Last I checked I don't see any teens still in booster seats being unbelted by parents...a lot of this will simply pass...as a parent, you should know this...

MelaneesMommie
by New Member on Jun. 18, 2014 at 12:41 PM

DH and I spoke about it last night, he feels the same way. I've never seen the amount of crying, tattling, etc going on. I work at an elementary school, I completley understand that there will be a level of tattling and clingy behavior. It is far beyond that, it really seems like there a an issue with insecurities.

For BM to basically threaten for her not to come over here because she was upset is crazy.

oldproatthis
by Silver Member on Jun. 18, 2014 at 1:00 PM

 

Quoting MelaneesMommie:

DH and I spoke about it last night, he feels the same way. I've never seen the amount of crying, tattling, etc going on. I work at an elementary school, I completley understand that there will be a level of tattling and clingy behavior. It is far beyond that, it really seems like there a an issue with insecurities. Does she have issues with school, you realize that often a child's behavior is different in school than in the home right? She's 5, you just keep working gently at extinguishing the behavior, let dad take the lead on it. The insecurity is going to come from any threat to her relationship with her dad. You're having a baby AND if you are the one discipilining her...well, she's not going to like all the stuff she will PERCEIVE as YOU putting in the way of her and dad or you being mean right now.+

For BM to basically threaten for her not to come over here because she was upset is crazy. And BMs reaction is not your problem, you can't fix this...DH has to deal with his crazy ex, he wedded and bedded it, he deals with any drama.

 

venessaw04
by Bronze Member on Jun. 18, 2014 at 1:04 PM

i have a couple drama queens, dd5 use to be really sensitive and will overexaggerate some times.  dd6 is a lil nosey one who tattles i swear every 5 minutes.  They are kids they will do this.  They all come and say i love you a million times, i am to blame for that.  Each time i see them and leave their presence i tell them i love them.  My mom was the same with me.  Dh never use to be that way but now all the kids are.  There is nothing wrong with it.  What is you CO right now?  Its her baby she doesnt want to see her hurt but she shouldnt be trying to deny visitation because of it

packermom4ever
by Still The Queen on Jun. 18, 2014 at 1:08 PM

 A child often shows different behaviors at home than they do at school.

My oldest has separation anxiety. It was terrible when she was younger, but she's 13 and still has it to a degree. If she's with friends she'll text me or call me. If I go to the store she'll text me. My son does that from time to time, but not like my daughter. She has been known to come "check on me" after bedtime.

Ask her teachers and they wouldn't know this. Even though she has texted me from school (when they were allowed to have their phones with them she kept talking to me).

It's because she's not the same with those she isn't comfortable with.

I tell my entire family I love them more than maybe others do. My kids do the same. That is just what they've always known. No insecurities. Maybe your SK and her mom do that a lot. 

 

sheramom4
by Bronze Member on Jun. 18, 2014 at 1:36 PM

Does she read? In terms of the whining let me share an idea a child psychologist gave me for me own.....make a sign with either "no whining" or a symbol if she doesn't read on it. When she starts whining hold up the sign. Of course before this explain what it means and also what is considered whining, tattling, etc and what is meant by using our big girl words. 

I am also a fan of simply holding my hand up when this is going on. They start to speak and I hold my hand out. They know that means stop and think about it and continue once they can speak in a way that does not include the "baby" voice. 

As far as being sensitive, some people just are. I have two who are and two who are not. I encourage independence while still being mindful of their particular personalities. I just don't do constant whining, crying, and tattling so I have developed ways to make them stop and think about it. 

momof2ex1
by Ruby Member on Jun. 18, 2014 at 1:37 PM
First - how long have mom and dad been divorced/seperated/not together?

I am a mom only and my child was an only child who went through divorce at age 5. So I do have some insight for you but I guess before I start dishing it out - I would like to know what the time frames are. Is she in school yet? Is she still an only child at moms house? How long have you and dad been married/together? What is the custody arrangement?
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sheramom4
by Bronze Member on Jun. 18, 2014 at 1:38 PM


Quoting packermom4ever:

 A child often shows different behaviors at home than they do at school.

My oldest has separation anxiety. It was terrible when she was younger, but she's 13 and still has it to a degree. If she's with friends she'll text me or call me. If I go to the store she'll text me. My son does that from time to time, but not like my daughter. She has been known to come "check on me" after bedtime.

Ask her teachers and they wouldn't know this. Even though she has texted me from school (when they were allowed to have their phones with them she kept talking to me).

It's because she's not the same with those she isn't comfortable with.

I tell my entire family I love them more than maybe others do. My kids do the same. That is just what they've always known. No insecurities. Maybe your SK and her mom do that a lot. 

 

My 12 year old has taken to checking in on and with me on a constant basis. And while I find it adorable there are times I find it a bit irritating as well. This is new, so I am still working ot out in my own head. For example, texting me while I am in the bathroom is probably not necessary. 

Her psychologist has said it is seperation anxiety. 

jules2boys
by Gold Member on Jun. 18, 2014 at 1:42 PM
1 mom liked this

I had the same thought... AND she says she works in an elementary school.  You'd think, someone who is a parent themselves AND works around children would have learned this basic fact... CHILDREN ARE DIFFERENT.  Period.  They just are.  Heck, even twins are different, even if they look alike, they are different. 

Quoting oldproatthis:

I'm surprised, reading what you wrote that you are actually a parent yourself.

OP, Your SD isn't your DD.  Your DD isn't your SD.  What I mean is, these girls are different.  Only children in a family do NOT all behave the same.  Youngest or oldest in a family do not all behave the same,  have the same characteristics, etc.  We're all wired differently.  And, it's all ok, and normal.  It is!

Consider this too, since you've mentioned that somehow 'only children' are supposedly more 'independent'.  Your DD is your only child, for a bit more time.  Then, she'll be the oldest.  Your SD is an only child part of the time, and the youngest part of the time, with an older, more independent/secure child taking over things in what should be 'her home' too.  And, soon, she'll also be the middle child.  How confusing this is for a kid!

My own YDS11 has this issue.  He's always been my sensitive one.  ODS16 is not so sensitive.  BF/SM have 2 girls, 7 and 4 now (I think).  ODS hasn't gone to BFs home on a regular basis for some time (variety of reasons, usually has to do with his EC that BF chooses not to participate in, but allows ODS to participate in as long as *I* handle it, which I do).  YDS, therefore, is the youngest in my home, but sometimes the oldest when he's with BF/SM, sometimes he's the middle child, and he used to be the youngest with them too.  Their expectations of him vary depending on who's around (if ODS is there or not).   Talk about confusing for the child. 

As for BM, that's DH's problem to deal with.  I, as a BM (I'm not a SM) would feel similarly about a situation my child came home complaining about, and one I had no control over, AND one I didn't feel like the OP was handling well (by letting SM 'handle' things her own way).  BTDT, BF has heard from me over it too.  SM never has.  I don't speak to SM.  

Advice would be to stop expecting SD5 to be more like your DD7.  Let SD5 BE SD5, just as she is.  Do not think it's because 'BM coddles' her, that's likely BS!  I do NOT coddle either of my boys, never have, and frankly, I don't care if SM thinks I coddle him or not.  Both boys have the same expectations from me.  I, however, get various responses from them at various ages.  Want to know the funny part though?  YDS is evolving into a more independent soul, whereas ODS is becoming a bit more dependent.  I'm still fighting both things.  ODS will be heading to college soon (couple of years) so he NEEDS to be a bit more independent in the not too distant future.  YDS isn't quite there, but he's spreading his wings some.  I'm just teaching him how far he can spread them for MY comfort and within my rules. :)  It's a learning process.  

Perhaps your DD7 and SD5 shouldn't be left alone to play as much as they are.  Perhaps there's more going on than you're aware of with your DD7.  Perhaps someone (you?) could TEACH SD5 how to work out her problems when DD7 is playing with a toy she wants to play with.  This isn't something kids are born knowning how to do.  And, if SD5 decides to take matters into her own  hands and chooses a path you don't care for, then what?  You'll complain to BF that his DD is mean to yours?  OR, you could teach both girls what is and isn't acceptable in dealing with conflicts.  

Just stop expecting SD5 to be like anyone else but SD5 and your issues may subside some.  :)  She sounds perfectly normal, even if she doesn't fit the mold your DD or the kids at the school you work at do/show you.  :)   

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