Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

Stepmom Central Stepmom Central

Contradictory Expectations of SM's

Posted by on Jun. 20, 2014 at 10:16 PM
  • 108 Replies
18 moms liked this
I haven't been a member here too long. But after reading through the post re: SM giving SS a trip to California in order to spend one on one time with her new baby I realized what I see as a double standard. This double standard is not limited to just this post, I see contradictions in the "approved" role of SM's often. It is more often than not due to different posters having different opinions, so maybe it's more of a disagreement than a double standard.

SM's are expected to not get overly involved in parenting their skids, lest they be overstepping their boundaries. To not get too involved with their skids emotionally because a SP is temporary, highlighted by the fact that the divorce rate of second marriages is so high. To not consider themselves as a form of parent in the skids life, as they aren't biologically connected (and BM is still alive - see various posts regarding the root definition of SP).

Yet SM's also seem to be expected to enforce BM's rules in their home, to provide the same level of care they would their own children, provide financially (or atleast not have any input in the ways shared finances with DH are spent with regard to skids), not treat their skids differently than their own children, etc, etc.

I'm not sure that I understand why it would be acceptable to diminish the role a SM plays in the lives of her skids but at the same time remind her of her great power to do damage. Why it is that SM is reminded that she is not a parent, yet is vilified for prioritizing her bonding time with her own baby over her skids. Why SM's are expected to respect and encourage BM's role in the skids life when BM doesn't seem to be expected to respect or encourage SM's role.

I think BM's, and their respective relationships with their children, are often times treated with kid gloves. And rightfully so, as they are such an important part of a child's life (understatement). But I think respect needs to be paid to SM's in return, as they can have a profound impact on a child's life as well.

You (and by extension, your kids) get what you give.

by on Jun. 20, 2014 at 10:16 PM
Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Replies (1-10):
faerie75
by Platinum Member on Jun. 20, 2014 at 10:36 PM
7 moms liked this
Eh. Some here cannot see the other side. I was a BM only forever. I might add I was a CRAZY BM for a few years. Now I am a SM.

I am embarrassed of some of the things I did as BM. It was early on. I was young. Time went by and I got over it. Hell I got over t before BD and he was in a relationship that resulted in a child AND another marriage by then.

I ended up with a father and I had to endure a BM do some things not too much different than i did. Cray. And thankfully after some time passed, she got over it and became civil. She has her own issues, sure.

I dot entertain the double standards too much.
momof2ex1
by Ruby Member on Jun. 20, 2014 at 10:58 PM
3 moms liked this
There are lots of members here and lots of non members that post their opinions. You would need to pick a poster and follow all of their comments to decide if it's a double standard or not. You can't take two different posts and decide that there is a double standard. Posters in post A may not have even posted in post B. So it's not necessarily a double standard or a contradiction, it's two posts with different opinions.

Regarding the post your speaking of - I don't care about SM. I don't expect SM to do anything. What my concern is is the parent of both children. The dad. If dad is fine with sending his kid away for a week then that's dads choice. I only post as from the perspective of the bio parent. If my husband insisted my daughter leave the week after our child was born so we can 'bond as a family' - I personally would have issues. Both children are mine and I want them with me. I realize that my daughter is not my husbands but he has to consider that MY family consists of both of my children and never does my family exclude my oldest from another marriage. That's my stance.
Posted on CafeMom Mobile
codysara
by Bronze Member on Jun. 20, 2014 at 11:00 PM
5 moms liked this
I think I just fell in love with you!!! Awesome post.
WickedPissah
by Gold Member on Jun. 20, 2014 at 11:09 PM
There is no one size fits all.

Ds was never his sm focus, to her ds was in the way. I don't think she ever tried to parent him and if she did I never knew about it.

I was sm focus and occasionally I still am.
leegirl_jm
by Ruby Member on Jun. 20, 2014 at 11:09 PM
1 mom liked this

I see the double standard but I understand it because usually it is just judgement on a a situation they aren't in. It is interesting to see people comparing upset at SM sending SS off to his cousin when the BM didn't have her own child with her, SM is having her child, very different from the stepchild, just as mom is very different from stepmom.

Also if NCPs are the lesser parent because they are NCP with less time then that explains why NCP's custodial children appear to be their priority over their non-custodial children because they spend more time with them. You get what you put in.


XXanonymousXX
by Bronze Member on Jun. 20, 2014 at 11:27 PM
4 moms liked this
I totally, 100% agree with your point of view as a BP.

DH never expected me to take SD on as my own. But he made sure I understood from the start that no matter what came down the line for us she would be his family and his priority. He gave me clear boundaries and also supports my relationship with SD as far as her and I want to take it (within reason ofcourse).

Because of he took responsibility for his child, and supported me as a SM, I can easily consider her a member of my family and a priority in my life. She will never come second to anything in my eyes, mainly because DH has empowered me as a SM through his actions.

Quoting momof2ex1: There are lots of members here and lots of non members that post their opinions. You would need to pick a poster and follow all of their comments to decide if it's a double standard or not. You can't take two different posts and decide that there is a double standard. Posters in post A may not have even posted in post B. So it's not necessarily a double standard or a contradiction, it's two posts with different opinions.

Regarding the post your speaking of - I don't care about SM. I don't expect SM to do anything. What my concern is is the parent of both children. The dad. If dad is fine with sending his kid away for a week then that's dads choice. I only post as from the perspective of the bio parent. If my husband insisted my daughter leave the week after our child was born so we can 'bond as a family' - I personally would have issues. Both children are mine and I want them with me. I realize that my daughter is not my husbands but he has to consider that MY family consists of both of my children and never does my family exclude my oldest from another marriage. That's my stance.
momof2ex1
by Ruby Member on Jun. 20, 2014 at 11:42 PM
1 mom liked this
Ironic ...

Quoting leegirl_jm:

I see the double standard but I understand it because usually it is just judgement on a a situation they aren't in. It is interesting to see people comparing upset at SM sending SS off to his cousin when the BM didn't have her own child with her, SM is having her child, very different from the stepchild, just as mom is very different from stepmom.

Also if NCPs are the lesser parent because they are NCP with less time then that explains why NCP's custodial children appear to be their priority over their non-custodial children because they spend more time with them. You get what you put in.

Posted on CafeMom Mobile
cdrainey3
by Cher on Jun. 21, 2014 at 12:51 AM
2 moms liked this
I don't think there's a double standard. I think there's a fine line. You don't overstep and it's important for sm to know her place. There's also expectations of sm being kind and loving. I don't think anyone's ever told a sm she's crazy because she did something nice for her skid. It's definitely hard to just love from the kindness of your heart and not expect to suddenly have rights to the child. However, it's also expected to not kick the child out of his own home. You did marry a man with children. Something's just are. Like being one big family.

I don't think there was anything wrong with the sm thinking ss will have an enjoyable time at his cousins and she can have time with her dh and baby, kind of a win win. However, she sounds more like she wants him gone so she can pretend she has a happy little family of 3. Both times I had my babies we always still had ss over. Bm even offered to keep him, but my thinking was, if I'm not sending my own son away, then we will have ss too, because he's our kid as well. He is part of MY family. I might not have any rights to him, but he's my family and will be treated as such. I'm not saying I didn't have time to myself with my dh and new baby. I did and I think every mom deserves that, but to think I suddenly have this "new" family is messed up. She has a new family member, but not a new family.
packermom4ever
by Still The Queen on Jun. 21, 2014 at 1:10 AM

I have no double standard. I don't expect SM to do much of anything. She can keep her money and I don't expect her to enforce anything of mine. That is why I just teach my kids what I expect and don't give a rat's butt if SM likes it or not.

I think if a SM wants my respect she gets to respect the fact the kids only have two parents, that her opinion will be asked if it is wanted, and that her first priority is her husband, not my children. She gets to respect the fact that I will parent without her. She gets to respect the fact that the kids are raised the way I want them raised and there are rules and standards in place for my kids.

If she can do that she will get the respect she feels she deserves as someone who may or may not have a profound impact.

leegirl_jm
by Ruby Member on Jun. 21, 2014 at 1:16 AM

I am  a mother, so I can judge BM and I never overstep with BM's child at all since I wouldn't want anyone to overstep with mine. I also appreciate people get what they give, when BM crosses a line with SM, it causes issues in the same way when SM crosses BM's line.

Quoting momof2ex1: Ironic ...
Quoting leegirl_jm:

I see the double standard but I understand it because usually it is just judgement on a a situation they aren't in. It is interesting to see people comparing upset at SM sending SS off to his cousin when the BM didn't have her own child with her, SM is having her child, very different from the stepchild, just as mom is very different from stepmom.

Also if NCPs are the lesser parent because they are NCP with less time then that explains why NCP's custodial children appear to be their priority over their non-custodial children because they spend more time with them. You get what you put in.



Career Woman, Wife and Mother of Two Children, a Girl and a Boy.

Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)