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dealing with emotions

Posted by on Jun. 24, 2014 at 1:49 PM
  • 17 Replies
On the way home from picking up my boyfriend's daughters. The 10 year was giving me a little attitude when I asked about her day. I became quieton the way home to avoid conflict. The 10 year and her 7 year old sister talked just fine but then starting fighting. While I was driving the 10 year threw a shoe up front. I was quiet as the 10 year old retrieved it. They started back up again and threw another shoe. This time in a mother voice I said " if you throw one more shoe, you Will be in big effing trouble. They were silent all the way home. The 10 year old went to her room and started bawling. I asked if we could talk.. a lititle reluctant at first but she came around. I asked what was wrong.. she cried and said she missed her mom * her mom took off to California a month ago* I asked if me being upset Tiggered this and started crying.I explained to her that it's not safe to throw shoes while I'm driving and she wouldn't do that when her father is driving. Has anyone dealt with situations like this?
by on Jun. 24, 2014 at 1:49 PM
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Replies (1-10):
faerie75
by Platinum Member on Jun. 24, 2014 at 1:55 PM

 i would have checked her at the first shoe. but yes if she was emotional i would go talk to her after as well.

ss6 doesnt listen for shit either. i just basically expect SO to take care of him. if i have to care for him, i get on his level and nicely tell him what i expect. its rare that i have to care for him long so its not much of an issue.

pdxmum
by Platinum Member on Jun. 24, 2014 at 2:06 PM
1 mom liked this

I don't know, maybe it is just me, but my "mother voice" does not include telling them they will be in fucking trouble.  Or even effing trouble.  My DDs would also probably run to their room and cry if I spoke to them that way.

Be that as it may.  How long have you known these girls?

packermom4ever
by Still The Queen on Jun. 24, 2014 at 2:09 PM

"Mother voice"? 

Effing? 

And yes, I deal with that a lot with my kids, my girl child in particular. She doesn't throw things, but she has had meltdowns that ended with her calming down and explaining things the best she can. 

A parent leaving is hard. Let dad deal with this for now.

oldproatthis
by Silver Member on Jun. 24, 2014 at 2:13 PM

I have to agree with both faerie and pdx...would have done things a bit differently...It sounds like you let things go too far to where everyone was "emotional". The kids got too out of control and so did you. I would have, like faerie "checked it at the first shoe" and like pdx, not cussed...

When the first shoe came flying I would have pulled over on the side of the road, retrieved it, handed it back to the child, and in a mother tone with control, calmly said "This misbehavior is going to stop right now. One more stunt and you will be riding the rest of the way silently sitting on your hands, understood?" I would have made sure both of them nodded understanding and then would have said "This is your last warning, do not make me pull over again." And then we all would have moved on.

jules2boys
by Gold Member on Jun. 24, 2014 at 2:22 PM

Why wasn't the 10yo in a seatbelt, preventing her from reaching the thrown shoe in the front of the car? 

You could let the girls know that for every negative thing they say to each other, they have to come up with 5 positives to say.  For my boys, this stopped many arguments.  They either would stop arguing and behave or they'd stop talking, but either way, *I* didn't have to listen to them. :) 

faerie75
by Platinum Member on Jun. 24, 2014 at 2:26 PM

 its a safety issue, ya know?

and i dont curse to the skids but i sure did tell ds16 yesterday (when he called me at work to complain there was no hot suace for his burrito) "dont call me about this shit at work!" lol

Quoting oldproatthis:

I have to agree with both faerie and pdx...would have done things a bit differently...It sounds like you let things go too far to where everyone was "emotional". The kids got too out of control and so did you. I would have, like faerie "checked it at the first shoe" and like pdx, not cussed...

When the first shoe came flying I would have pulled over on the side of the road, retrieved it, handed it back to the child, and in a mother tone with control, calmly said "This misbehavior is going to stop right now. One more stunt and you will be riding the rest of the way silently sitting on your hands, understood?" I would have made sure both of them nodded understanding and then would have said "This is your last warning, do not make me pull over again." And then we all would have moved on.

 

 
        
         

bestefforts
by Member on Jun. 24, 2014 at 3:12 PM

I second an earlier question: How long have you known these girls?

It sounds like the 10 year old is struggling. How long have her parents been divorced. When did you come into the picture? What is the custody/visitation arrangement? Even in the best situations, it can take kids a long time to adjust to the new normal. So I recommend being really sensitive to her emotions. At the same time, reckless and unsafe behavior is never acceptable. I would make that crystal clear - the first time, every time. I believe in calm, consistent, attentive parenting - even as an SM. That means that what I need to do in the parental role comes first when skids are with me. If I am doing something, but see or hear a situation with them that needs my attention, I stop what I am doing and deal with it.

My mother always used the words, "We don't <insert whatever action you wish>."...We don't act like that. We don't use those words....

I would have spoken up when the bickering first started and told them in a serious, but calm, voice that if we cannot speak kindly to one another, we will drive in silence. If they continued and escalated, I would have stopped the car and reiterated.

I'm also pretty good at being creative in the moment. For example, I always have general plans for SD's visit. So I would have the ability to say something like, "I was hoping you would be ready to go skating this afternoon. But I can see you are in a bad mood and need to spend some time alone in your room." Never fails! She straightens right up and we get on with the day.

I also use this when she is difficult at the end of an activity. She used to get upset and behave inappropriately. For example, I would tell her she has 10 minutes left in the pool before we go. She would beg for more. I said no. She would work herself into crying to DH or trying to swim to the middle and challenge us to get her out. For the crying, I would just look at DH and say, "It's too bad swimming makes her so sad. I guess we don't need to come to the pool anymore." Funny enough, the tears would stop. As for trying to swim to the middle, I did use the "mom voice"..."You will not like the results if I have to come get you." I'm a pretty serious person, so she never pushed it further. DH and I would not have spanked her. But her spirit would have been crushed a little by our disappointment. She is really sensitive, so it's easy to use that a little.

Basically, figure out what makes these kids tick. It may sound bad to recommend using this against them, but I say use what you've got! Of course, you should also use it to build your relationship with them and build them up, as well. They say all is fair in love & war...I add child-rearing to that too :)

Back to your question...Make sure you don't confuse being sensitive to their emotional needs with allowing bad behavior. Separate them. Going to talk to her after you got home was great. But make sure you are very clear about her behavior in the car being unacceptable and will never be tolerated. At the same time, give her ideas on healthier ways to deal with the hurt she is feeling. It is ok to cry. It is ok to talk to you and DH about missing her mother. Get her a journal where she can express those feelings. If things are really bad, maybe you and DH could consider a visit to a counselor. That is all healthy. Picking fights...not so much.

Good luck.

wise.toes
by Silver Member on Jun. 24, 2014 at 3:29 PM

wait. how did she retrieve her shoe from the front if you were driving?

why wasn't the behavior stopped when it started?'

and YOU started crying when you were trying to conversate with her? good grief. 

owl0210
by Bronze Member on Jun. 24, 2014 at 3:41 PM
I would've lost my shit if a shoe was thrown while I was driving and would've nipped it in the bud rigt then and there. I also would've let her dad handle it when I got home.
KnowItAll
by Silver Member on Jun. 24, 2014 at 4:05 PM
Going from zero to effing was harsh.
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