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Handling family portraits without my Dhs kids....how to tactfully deal? ETA

Posted by on Jun. 25, 2014 at 2:11 AM
  • 80 Replies
So Im sure some people know my story with my DHs kids. This weekend for our wedding anniversary my sister set up family pics for us. My DHs kids are not apart of mine and dh and our kids lives. Dh sees them about 6-7 times a year now. Dh sent the family pics of me dh and our 4 kids. She ended up showing them to his Mom and she in turn showed them to DHs kids. This was a last minute suprise for us. Now DHs kids are not speaking to DH because of this. I suggested that they take pics where they are and we can photoshop them in. They told DH fuck you go to hell. My dh is heartbroken and doesnt know how to deal with this. Any advice?
ETA
So some people on here dont know the story, I didnt realize there would be so much confusion. DHs oldest child now 18 soon to be 19 lived with us when we were newly married. He ended up stealing my newborns identity and racking up 16,000 bucks worth of porn charges in his name. Once that came out and he wasnt willing to make the situation right I asked him to leave our home. The week prior to him leaving he physically assualted my then ds7 at the time. I pressed charges and he now has a record as an adult. His daughter just turned 18 and she ended up stealing hundreds of dollars from me, my brother and stepdad. So they are not welcome in my home. I DO NOT hate his kids but they are not legally allowed near my kids because of the assualt. Well the daughter is but she doesnt want to be because I pressed charges on her brother. They live 12 hours away so dh goes down there as often as he can to visit. I have no feelings good or bad towards them, I purely see them as his kids. I havent seen or spoke to them in years. Andfor the record dh and their mother both supported my decision to press charges and make him own what he did. My post was asking for advice for my DH not his kids. It doesnt bother me or cause me any less sleep at night because of how they feel. I solely wanted some advice on how to talk to dh about it OR should I say nothing at all. If youre going to be rude then dont bother replying because I wont respond. Thanks
by on Jun. 25, 2014 at 2:11 AM
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Replies (1-10):
Tinkerbellmama
by Platinum Member on Jun. 25, 2014 at 2:28 AM
1 mom liked this
I don't know.

Personally, I wouldn't dream of doing family portraits without a member of our family.

Having a new wife and new kids doesn't negate the fact that your DH has other kids. Your DH has 1 family, him, his wife, and ALL of his kids.
AirForceWife13
by Bronze Member on Jun. 25, 2014 at 2:53 AM
My dh has more than one family. Us and them.

Quoting Tinkerbellmama: I don't know.

Personally, I wouldn't dream of doing family portraits without a member of our family.

Having a new wife and new kids doesn't negate the fact that your DH has other kids. Your DH has 1 family, him, his wife, and ALL of his kids.
Tinkerbellmama
by Platinum Member on Jun. 25, 2014 at 2:56 AM
4 moms liked this
And that right there is exactly 100% your problem.

And you wonder why they tell him to go to hell?

Quoting AirForceWife13: My dh has more than one family. Us and them.

Quoting Tinkerbellmama: I don't know.

Personally, I wouldn't dream of doing family portraits without a member of our family.

Having a new wife and new kids doesn't negate the fact that your DH has other kids. Your DH has 1 family, him, his wife, and ALL of his kids.
AirForceWife13
by Bronze Member on Jun. 25, 2014 at 3:02 AM
No I dont wonder. But they dont live with him. They are over 12 hours away so they couldnt be here.

Quoting Tinkerbellmama: And that right there is exactly 100% your problem.

And you wonder why they tell him to go to hell?

Quoting AirForceWife13: My dh has more than one family. Us and them.

Quoting Tinkerbellmama: I don't know.

Personally, I wouldn't dream of doing family portraits without a member of our family.

Having a new wife and new kids doesn't negate the fact that your DH has other kids. Your DH has 1 family, him, his wife, and ALL of his kids.
XXanonymousXX
by Bronze Member on Jun. 25, 2014 at 7:04 AM
3 moms liked this
I think before taking the portraits you should have invited the skids to be in the photos. Even if you knew they wouldn't be able to as they were so far away. That way they would be less likely to feel purposefully excluded.

At this point I doubt there much you can do. They feel excluded, because they were excluded. Regardless of the reason.

If I'm understanding correctly DH's mom showed the pics to the skids? That's who I'd be upset with right now. What was the point of doing that, besides stirring the pot. And it wasn't her place, if DH wanted to send them copies he would have.
AirForceWife13
by Bronze Member on Jun. 25, 2014 at 8:29 AM
Well long story short Dhs kids are not allowed to be around my kids. And yes it was DHs Mom who showed em to them. We didnt know she was going to do that. And I wouldnt want them in our family pics, but I didnt want to hurt their feelings. Theres nothing I can do, but I was just wondering if there was anything my DH could say to soften the blow. They are his kids and I know he doesnt want them to feel the way they are and treating him this way. We literally were suprised at the photo shoot. My sister just asked us to go to the park.

Quoting XXanonymousXX: I think before taking the portraits you should have invited the skids to be in the photos. Even if you knew they wouldn't be able to as they were so far away. That way they would be less likely to feel purposefully excluded.

At this point I doubt there much you can do. They feel excluded, because they were excluded. Regardless of the reason.

If I'm understanding correctly DH's mom showed the pics to the skids? That's who I'd be upset with right now. What was the point of doing that, besides stirring the pot. And it wasn't her place, if DH wanted to send them copies he would have.
leegirl_jm
by Platinum Member on Jun. 25, 2014 at 8:36 AM

I thought DH and his children were estranged so why is this making him heartbroken? I would be pissed if my husband like that I don't like emotional people especially men, why take family portraits without them if their reaction matter so much. My SS13 has never been in our family pictures, we send them to close family members on both sides and SS sees them at MIL and our home and there is no issue because DH has a good relationship with SS and the reasons are understood. 

What is done is done so either he feels he did something wrong and needs to apologize or put things in perspective and shrug it off. He needs to decide once and for all if he still wants a relationship with those children and act from there, repair or forget it.

WickedPissah
by Gold Member on Jun. 25, 2014 at 8:38 AM
Why aren't dh kids allowed around yours?

Quoting AirForceWife13: Well long story short Dhs kids are not allowed to be around my kids. And yes it was DHs Mom who showed em to them. We didnt know she was going to do that. And I wouldnt want them in our family pics, but I didnt want to hurt their feelings. Theres nothing I can do, but I was just wondering if there was anything my DH could say to soften the blow. They are his kids and I know he doesnt want them to feel the way they are and treating him this way. We literally were suprised at the photo shoot. My sister just asked us to go to the park.
Quoting XXanonymousXX: I think before taking the portraits you should have invited the skids to be in the photos. Even if you knew they wouldn't be able to as they were so far away. That way they would be less likely to feel purposefully excluded.



At this point I doubt there much you can do. They feel excluded, because they were excluded. Regardless of the reason.



If I'm understanding correctly DH's mom showed the pics to the skids? That's who I'd be upset with right now. What was the point of doing that, besides stirring the pot. And it wasn't her place, if DH wanted to send them copies he would have.
tiafez
by Silver Member on Jun. 25, 2014 at 8:40 AM

I don't know your whole story so please don't get angry with me.


You don't want your husband's kids near your kids and you don't want them in the photos anyway? but he does? 

liquidtinkerbel
by Member on Jun. 25, 2014 at 8:43 AM

 My DH kinda went through a similar situation. We wanted to do a family photo and asked BM if she wanted copies of the ones with just DH and kids. When she found out that I was included in the family pictures, she said she didn't want her son in the pictures with me. It was fine for him to be in the ones with Dh and kids but not the ones with all of us. So, we did it that way. Now SS is wondering why he isn't in the family ones, just in the one picture. We did them in two separate sessions. We did a lot more poses for the family pictures because I have a lot of family to send them to. DH has a small family so there was less of the ones with just DH and kids.  We just tell him that he's  not in the family one because his mom said no, maybe next year. While talking to my MIL about it, she said that BM was hoping that by saying no, we would never get any pictures done as a family. How lame!

chopped headTeam Zombie! (former sn elrikandisis)

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