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a random question

Posted by on Jun. 25, 2014 at 4:53 PM
  • 13 Replies
My step daughters just called knowing there father is at work and asked me to come get them they were begging me. There mom is also at work, I called her to ask what was going on and she said that she had grounded them for sneaking out and lying about it when they were confronted. The girls are 11 and 9. We were going to get them Thursday and go camping should we call off the camping trip since they will still be grounded at there moms
by on Jun. 25, 2014 at 4:53 PM
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Replies (1-10):
jules2boys
by Gold Member on Jun. 25, 2014 at 5:00 PM

That's between your DH and BM.  In my situation, punishments in one home don't normally carry over to the other, but BF sees the boys so little, it doesn't make sense for him to continue them on his limited time (his choice) and I find most of the things the boys get (used to anyway, doesn't happen so much now) into trouble for there to be silly, so I wouldn't continue them in my home.  That said, neither of my boys have been caught sneaking out and lying about it, most of their 'issues' are attitude, tone of voice, disrespect, and occasionally lying about homework or something, NOT leaving the house.  IF either did that, I'd discuss it with BF and let him decide if he wanted to continue with the punishment or not. 

That aside, perhaps 11 and 9yos aren't ready to be left home, alone, for the length of time they are if they're sneaking out too. 

FreedomTruth
by Bronze Member on Jun. 25, 2014 at 5:04 PM
1 mom liked this

The girls might find the camping trip to be a grounding. No electronics, no friends, etc. I always loved camping, but many of my female friends hated it until they were older teenagers.

However if an 11 and 9 year old are sneaking out and lying about it, no matters whose house they are at, it needs to be dealt with by both parents. I think DH and BM need to sit down, agree to a course, sit the girls down and tell them how their life will suck for a while.

Koreysmomma
by New Member on Jun. 25, 2014 at 5:11 PM
It was there idea of camping my parents gave us there 5th wheel when they got a new one the girls love it but I feel like im allowing them to get away with bad behavior

Quoting FreedomTruth:

The girls might find the camping trip to be a grounding. No electronics, no friends, etc. I always loved camping, but many of my female friends hated it until they were older teenagers.


However if an 11 and 9 year old are sneaking out and lying about it, no matters whose house they are at, it needs to be dealt with by both parents. I think DH and BM need to sit down, agree to a course, sit the girls down and tell them how their life will suck for a while.

grits71
by on Jun. 25, 2014 at 5:12 PM
1 mom liked this

That would be DH's decision but why didn't DH know about it already?  BM in my case only lets DH know if SD is grounded hoping it interferes with our plans.  She doesn't get a say though on whether or not skids are grounded from her house to ours.  Maybe if she worked with DH better he would reciprocrate.  What is their relationship like?

mistyann00
by Member on Jun. 25, 2014 at 5:17 PM

I believe that is something between father and mom. I would stay out of that one. Let them be the bad guys haha. I would just support whomever you choose to support! They are not getting what they want so they got in trouble for it, how else they suppose to learn from making the wrong mistakes.

oldproatthis
by Silver Member on Jun. 25, 2014 at 5:19 PM
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They kind of dragged your house into it when they tried to manipulate you for escape from BMs punishment. Honestly as a SM, DH would let me handle this directly as the SKs contacted SM directly. They tried to manipulate YOU. I would look at it this way...

1. They tried to undermine BM by not being honest with you.

2. The committed a lie of omission with you.

so...I think YOU have the right to decide what to do with them since they dragged you into it.

This would be a SM boundary for me...to teach them not to EVER think they can go behind EITHER parent's back to get out of a parental punishment using ME.

I would not be harsh per se...that's really up to dad...

It was brilliant of you to check with mom before you got them...I have a totally hostile situation with BM but I still would have risked the war and contacted BM before I ever picked the kids up to see what they were trying to manipulate...my kids play the homes as much as they can.

I would come up with a brief but point making appropriate SM handed down punishment to get my point across...don't try to bullshit SM again...and make it come from you with DH backing so they know...it's you, you don't appreciate their efforts at manipulation...and you're standing your own ground...the key is be gentle...not over the top...

What is the kids "currency"? Use that...with SD14 I've taken away her iphone for 48 hours...not over the top...she was pissy, but totally forgivable punishment...enough for her to be irritated enough that the bullshit that got her punished isn't worth it again, and that was my goal...but short enough she won't hold that punishment against me forever...

Koreysmomma
by New Member on Jun. 25, 2014 at 6:01 PM
We are all good friends its kinda weird

Quoting grits71:

That would be DH's decision but why didn't DH know about it already?  BM in my case only lets DH know if SD is grounded hoping it interferes with our plans.  She doesn't get a say though on whether or not skids are grounded from her house to ours.  Maybe if she worked with DH better he would reciprocrate.  What is their relationship like?

Birdseed
by Platinum Member on Jun. 25, 2014 at 7:49 PM

Personally, I think it's between the parents as far as the camping trip.

In our home(s), punishments sometimes followed and sometimes did not.  It really depended on the situation.  BM in our sitch often had rather exteme punishments that could drag on for months for minor infractions.  Being 50/50, it just wasn't something DH enforced.  Like "didn't call to check in after school with Mom"=grounded for the whole summer from the Wii, all bday parties and family gatherings.  ????

So.  Were I in your shoes (and I have been) I'd just pull the kids aside and say "Hey...here's the deal.  Your parents and I are on the same page.  We talk.  So don't try that again.  I'm disappointed that you'd try to put me in that position."

pdxmum
by Platinum Member on Jun. 25, 2014 at 7:59 PM

If they were my kids and tried to pull that with DH, they would be grounded because they tried to manipulate DH.  No, I would not take them on vacation after they pulled that stunt.  Has nothing to do with the sneaking out.  The calls to DH are enough.

And I would definitely be talking to BF and I would be angry that he didn't let me know they had snuck out to begin with.


Seychelles1409
by Silver Member on Jun. 25, 2014 at 9:55 PM

No, go ahead with your plans.   They can continue their punishment with their mother when they return home.   The punishment is for something they did at BM's house, not yours.    That being said, I wouldn't get in the middle of it by talking with BM about it.  Period.

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