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punish all the kids? *updated in OP*

Posted by on Jul. 2, 2014 at 8:07 PM
  • 19 Replies

So, i've noticed a trend at my house...

Seems when something goes "wrong" and no one fesses up my Husband will just blame all the kids and punish them all.
Sounds logical, but I can't articulate much better than that, so let me explain....

The last time Skids were here we had the kids go outside and play with the hose/squirtguns etc. Our back door is crap and doesn't close all the way, plus its really heavy. SS10 seems to struggle the most and usually I help him close it. NBD.

However last time they left the door open just enough that my cat could have gotten out. My cat is chipped and all that but she was a stray (maybe, the humane society was told that but I doubt it.) so I worry that she would run off on a wild kitty adventure and I wouldn't see her again...right?

SO, I get upset and I'm looking all over for my cat (who was upstairs under the boys dresser...where I asked them to look... :/ ) and my son denies leaving the door open, then SD says she didn't notice and wasn't paying attention and she's sorry, SS starts crying and is upset that I'm upset.

So....my husband bans all three of the kids from using the backdoor period...

I'm starting to feel like all the kids have to be in trouble or just MY kiddo, kwim? Like it's ok to blame mine, but when it's his its a group thing and they all get punished...

maybe I'm over thinking? 

Update:

So I think I am overthinking a lot of whats going on.
The example I gave wasn't explained well. I have THE worst pregnancy brain, and sometimes think I shouldn't talk. Aside from that, it is upsetting to me that:

1. a lot of the crap that goes on only happens when Skids are here...i'm thinking because there are more kids and they feed off eachother and get together to do stuff.

2. my kiddo is a terrible liar, really terrible, i can tell right away, yet he gets grilled the worst because of my dh opinion that he looks "suspicious" when he says certain things...

3. Dh kids lie way more often than typical. DH believes it a lot and BM believes it all the time...

I'm really having a hard time shaking the feeling that theres some guilt going on with dh and that it's easier for him to just punish all the kids, or the boys together than single one kid out and make them feel bad...?

In the example I gave above I dont believe my son left the door open. He is here all the time, so there is a consistency the other kids dont get. He never leaves the back door open...DH kids...they dont have consistency. They have pets that get out of the house, lost, die etc...BM just replaces them.
I also dont think SD would have left the door open.
I think it was SS, and so instead of asking my DH just snapped at the lot of them and made the back door off limits...which is no skin off his nose, but irritating to me, especially when I give permission for them to use it now and they argue with me that "dad said..." ugh. 

by on Jul. 2, 2014 at 8:07 PM
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Replies (1-10):
Annawest
by on Jul. 2, 2014 at 8:18 PM
1 mom liked this

I do punish both boys when they won't fess up and it is something big.  Sometimes, I think the peer pressure the offending one feels from the one that didn't do it, makes them think twice before lying about the situation again.  I've also sent them upstairs and told them, "One of you is lying, so when you decide to tell the truth both of you can come down."  Usually, after sitting alone in their room for 15 minutes or so, the truth comes out.

ZennMomma
by Bronze Member on Jul. 2, 2014 at 8:21 PM

I do it too, theres certainly times all of them did the crime lol

I'm just starting to feel like it's overly done..?

Quoting Annawest:

I do punish both boys when they won't fess up and it is something big.  Sometimes, I think the peer pressure the offending one feels from the one that didn't do it, makes them think twice before lying about the situation again.  I've also sent them upstairs and told them, "One of you is lying, so when you decide to tell the truth both of you can come down."  Usually, after sitting alone in their room for 15 minutes or so, the truth comes out.


andie646c
by Silver Member on Jul. 2, 2014 at 8:26 PM

I guess I don't get it. When SK's aren't there, isn't there only one child to blame and thus punish for things? Then when they are all there they are all punished because you can't figure out which one did it?

It's the same either way, all kids currently in the house are punished for whatever happened. Just so happens your son is alone to be the only kid in the house a lot of times.

Annawest
by on Jul. 2, 2014 at 8:26 PM
1 mom liked this

I would be angry if it was always all the kids getting in trouble with SO, instead of figuring out which one did the bad deed.   Honestly, I would talk to DH and let him know.  You don't want the other kids to start resenting each other for always getting each other in trouble.

Quoting ZennMomma:

I do it too, theres certainly times all of them did the crime lol

I'm just starting to feel like it's overly done..?

Quoting Annawest:

I do punish both boys when they won't fess up and it is something big.  Sometimes, I think the peer pressure the offending one feels from the one that didn't do it, makes them think twice before lying about the situation again.  I've also sent them upstairs and told them, "One of you is lying, so when you decide to tell the truth both of you can come down."  Usually, after sitting alone in their room for 15 minutes or so, the truth comes out.


tiafez
by Silver Member on Jul. 2, 2014 at 9:12 PM
1 mom liked this

sounds like he gets angry and just goes overboard. I can understand that, I used to punish both of mine when neither fessed up but banning everyone from using the back door... I once almost banned my kids from using the tv remote for the rest of their lives becuase one of them lost it one too many times. I laugh now but was so frustrated then. Maybe you could suggest cool off periods before DH punisheds, mainly for his sake. Kids have a way of making us so nutty we ban or make huge punishments because we're frustrated. 

Tigress22304
by Ruby Member on Jul. 2, 2014 at 10:47 PM
1 mom liked this

I get your frustration....at BM's house when major shit happens (like missing money/jewelry)she will punish all 8 kids that live in her house...whether they were involved or not.

Sounds like DH is just going overboard with the punishing.

Birdseed
by Platinum Member on Jul. 3, 2014 at 12:30 AM
2 moms liked this

You have a special situation.  A bad door and a pet.  Everyond DOES need to pay attention.  I am with your DH.  I think everyone needs to pay attention.  Do you want a dead cat run over because the kids are "just being kids" ha ha ha???  No.  They need to pay the frick attention to what is going on .  Close the damned door.

I don't htink your DH is wrong.  Everyone needs to step up an be aware.


Silent_Sea
by Gold Member on Jul. 3, 2014 at 12:54 AM

 Hmm.  So, let me get more clarity here.   You think that your DH isn't afraid of discipline your son individually; but when it involves his kids then he disciplines the group even if it is clear it is not your son? 

 

momof2ex1
by Ruby Member on Jul. 3, 2014 at 2:06 AM
If they don't want to be punished then they should speak up and say who did it.

It shouldn't be a double standard though - your kid vs his. Not in the scenario you gave.
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Tinkerbellmama
by Platinum Member on Jul. 3, 2014 at 2:56 AM
We've done that once, but the intention was to get the guilty party to fess up.

We went a little overboard with punishments and said that EVERYONE would have those punishments until the guilty party fessed up.

Not 10 minutes later SD walked up to DH and asked if her, DH, and I could talk in private and she fessed up.

But, its not used as a typical punishment.
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