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Let's take this one step further...

Posted by on Jul. 5, 2014 at 10:53 AM
  • 16 Replies

Thank you all for your encouraging posts about my dilemma with my step-sons girlfriend.  I need to not worry so much about it, I guess.

But, let me ask you about another issue with the bio-mom.  Here's some background:

I met my hubby about a year after his wife kicked him to the curb for the neighbors husband.  We got married a year later, that was 9 years ago.  All our children were teenagers (ranging from 14-18) when we met, my boys are the oldest.  Bio-mom is very territorial and has made it very difficult for us to have decent relationships with their kids.  We actually had a huge custody battle of his youngest (the only girl) when she was 16.  It was very ugly, she has not spoken to her father in over 4 years and threatened a restraining order because he sent her a get well card.

So, here's what's really bugging me.  My granddaughter is a year old, lives local and is regularly at the library where hubby's ex works.  The ex gushes over my granddaughter and my sons girlfriend, but we're almost positive she doesn't realize who they are - girlfriend has a different last name and my granddaughter doesn't have a library card yet.  Sometimes I would just love to go to the library with them just to show her how much of a hypocrite she is, but then she'd most likely start being rude to them when they visited, and I have no reason to be that spiteful.  One day the ex will realize who it is, but I want to hold that day off as long as possible.

My step-son doesn't consider either of my grandchildren his neice or nephew because they think only blood counts.  His girlfriend on the other hand thinks everyone is family regardless (that's one reason why I like her so much!) and will eventually have a pic of one of the kids that the ex will see.  When that happens, I'm sure my granddaughter and my sons girlfriend will get the cold shoulder.

So, why do people act like this?  I just don't understand.  I mean, it would be totally different if I was the reason the marriage broke up - I mean I could kinda understand that.  Or even if he had left her for whatever reason.  I wasn't raised like that and it makes no sense to me.

by on Jul. 5, 2014 at 10:53 AM
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Replies (1-10):
whatIknownow
by Emerald Member on Jul. 5, 2014 at 11:01 AM
1 mom liked this

Your grandchildren really aren't your stepson's neice or nephew. Some people consider steps to be neice and nephew (for example, my brother considers my stepchildren to be neice and nephew, and they call him Uncle Tom, etc.).  But, some people don't, and that's ok too.

Your stepsons were teenagers when you came along, and I take it they never developed a close relationship or a sibling relationship with your children, who were also teenagers. I don't see them doing anything wrong. It seems you want to dictate to them how they should feel.

reinydawn
by Member on Jul. 5, 2014 at 11:14 AM
1 mom liked this

Nah, I just don't understand it because I'm the type that doesn't put limits on family.  Bio-mom's family told my hubby's step-mother that she wasn't really a grandmother because their real grandmother died.  This was on the day my step-son was born.  They were raised to think that only blood relatives are real relatives.  In today's blended-family lifestyle, I just don't understand that.  I know it happens, I just don't get it.  And I'm sure they probably don't get that I feel they have neices/nephews.  We're different, probably always will be, I can accept that.  But I still don't understand it.

Quoting whatIknownow:

Your grandchildren really aren't your stepson's neice or nephew. Some people consider steps to be neice and nephew (for example, my brother considers my stepchildren to be neice and nephew, and they call him Uncle Tom, etc.).  But, some people don't, and that's ok too.

Your stepsons were teenagers when you came along, and I take it they never developed a close relationship or a sibling relationship with your children, who were also teenagers. I don't see them doing anything wrong. It seems you want to dictate to them how they should feel.


leegirl_jm
by Ruby Member on Jul. 5, 2014 at 11:21 AM
1 mom liked this
As you said people are different, your SS's girlfriend has a different type of experience and personality than your stepkids so she is more embracing and open in who is family for her, neither is wrong, just different.
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whatIknownow
by Emerald Member on Jul. 5, 2014 at 11:22 AM
1 mom liked this

How do you know your stepson "puts limits on family?" It sounds like he just never developed those feelings for your kids. Relationships have to form on their own. And when stepfamilies form when the kids are teenagers, often those relatioships just don't develope. There is nothing you can do if the kids just don't view each other as family members. They were too old when the stepfamily formed. You can't expect these kids to automatically develope feelings just because their parents got married. Their parents marriage has nothing to do with them.

Quoting reinydawn:

Nah, I just don't understand it because I'm the type that doesn't put limits on family.  Bio-mom's family told my hubby's step-mother that she wasn't really a grandmother because their real grandmother died.  This was on the day my step-son was born.  They were raised to think that only blood relatives are real relatives.  In today's blended-family lifestyle, I just don't understand that.  I know it happens, I just don't get it.  And I'm sure they probably don't get that I feel they have neices/nephews.  We're different, probably always will be, I can accept that.  But I still don't understand it.

Quoting whatIknownow:

Your grandchildren really aren't your stepson's neice or nephew. Some people consider steps to be neice and nephew (for example, my brother considers my stepchildren to be neice and nephew, and they call him Uncle Tom, etc.).  But, some people don't, and that's ok too.

Your stepsons were teenagers when you came along, and I take it they never developed a close relationship or a sibling relationship with your children, who were also teenagers. I don't see them doing anything wrong. It seems you want to dictate to them how they should feel.



pdxmum
by Ruby Member on Jul. 5, 2014 at 1:16 PM
2 moms liked this

My stepsiblings came into my life in my 20s.  There is no way their kids are my nieces and nephews.  It might be easier for a new girlfriend to think that way because to her everyone is new.

BM is renting too much space in your brain.  Live your life, enjoy your kids and whatever relationships you have with skids and move on.  You do realize you are kind of stuck.  Move on.

WickedPissah
by Cup Cakes on Jul. 5, 2014 at 1:57 PM
I'm confused about the library thing.
How is Bm a hypocrite?
Boobear110
by Audra on Jul. 5, 2014 at 8:55 PM
1 mom liked this

I have 2 step siblings. We were not raised to be close. We were adults by the time my Dad and SM married. I don't consider my step siblings kids my nieces and nephews . I don't see them enough to consider them that. 


reinydawn
by Member on Jul. 20, 2014 at 5:20 PM

He was taught from a very early age from his biological grandparents that step-families don't count.  Even though my mother-in-law is the only grandparent he ever knew (since birth) on my husbands side, I never saw him treat her like a "real" grandparent, but only as his grandfathers wife.  I just think it's very disheartening that some people don't accept blended families.

Quoting whatIknownow:

How do you know your stepson "puts limits on family?" It sounds like he just never developed those feelings for your kids. Relationships have to form on their own. And when stepfamilies form when the kids are teenagers, often those relatioships just don't develope. There is nothing you can do if the kids just don't view each other as family members. They were too old when the stepfamily formed. You can't expect these kids to automatically develope feelings just because their parents got married. Their parents marriage has nothing to do with them.

Quoting reinydawn:

Nah, I just don't understand it because I'm the type that doesn't put limits on family.  Bio-mom's family told my hubby's step-mother that she wasn't really a grandmother because their real grandmother died.  This was on the day my step-son was born.  They were raised to think that only blood relatives are real relatives.  In today's blended-family lifestyle, I just don't understand that.  I know it happens, I just don't get it.  And I'm sure they probably don't get that I feel they have neices/nephews.  We're different, probably always will be, I can accept that.  But I still don't understand it.

Quoting whatIknownow:

Your grandchildren really aren't your stepson's neice or nephew. Some people consider steps to be neice and nephew (for example, my brother considers my stepchildren to be neice and nephew, and they call him Uncle Tom, etc.).  But, some people don't, and that's ok too.

Your stepsons were teenagers when you came along, and I take it they never developed a close relationship or a sibling relationship with your children, who were also teenagers. I don't see them doing anything wrong. It seems you want to dictate to them how they should feel.




AmericanDream
by Gold Member on Jul. 20, 2014 at 5:28 PM

I'm confused about why BM cheating is relevant.

Quoting WickedPissah: I'm confused about the library thing. How is Bm a hypocrite?


reinydawn
by Member on Jul. 20, 2014 at 5:29 PM

My family has always embraced new family members - born into, married into, adopted or what have you.  We're just a big happy family and like getting bigger. So it's just not in my nature to exclude family members that aren't blood related.  I don't mean we have to like each other and get along, but we've always acknowledged everyone.  Normally it doesn't bother me, but ever now and then I wonder why some people do the things they do.

Quoting pdxmum:

My stepsiblings came into my life in my 20s.  There is no way their kids are my nieces and nephews.  It might be easier for a new girlfriend to think that way because to her everyone is new.

BM is renting too much space in your brain.  Live your life, enjoy your kids and whatever relationships you have with skids and move on.  You do realize you are kind of stuck.  Move on.


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