Living with someone else's family is not fun at all
I always struggle when his kids are over because it basically means I'm going to feel invisible and worthless the entire time they're here. It's fine in small doses, but after a while it just gets old, constantly being the outsider. I just want a real family, the kind where the kids talk to both adults and I'm not always feeling like I need to hide out so DH can be with his family. I'm so sick of always having to be so careful to not spend too much time with DH when they're here, to not get too close to him.
And I just had surgery two months ago to remove endometriosis, so I'd really been hoping my life long battle with infertility may have a light at the end of the tunnel. It's what's made things more bearable - the idea that I might be able to have a family with DH too, and not just spend the rest of my life living with his family, always being on the outside looking in.
But I'm losing hope on that idea, and it makes me panic. The thought of a life where I can never be a mom is bad enough, but to have to live with someone who IS a dad - not getting to share that with him - I can't even imagine how horrible that will be.
I just got home from Costco where some guy was selling puppies that we can't afford, but I was telling DH I would love to have one just so I could have something in this house that would be excited to see me, want to play etc. Something just to make me feel less outnumbered all the time. That led to a talk about the kids always ignoring me (DH thinks it's not a sign of them not liking me, but I can't think of any other reason, honestly). Then it just escalated into a full blown fight, like the worst we've ever had.
Sorry this is all over the place, I'm upset and my heart is still racing. I just needed to get this out.