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Living with someone else's family is not fun at all

Posted by on Jul. 6, 2014 at 4:19 PM
  • 102 Replies
DH and I just had a huge fight. :(

I always struggle when his kids are over because it basically means I'm going to feel invisible and worthless the entire time they're here. It's fine in small doses, but after a while it just gets old, constantly being the outsider. I just want a real family, the kind where the kids talk to both adults and I'm not always feeling like I need to hide out so DH can be with his family. I'm so sick of always having to be so careful to not spend too much time with DH when they're here, to not get too close to him.

And I just had surgery two months ago to remove endometriosis, so I'd really been hoping my life long battle with infertility may have a light at the end of the tunnel. It's what's made things more bearable - the idea that I might be able to have a family with DH too, and not just spend the rest of my life living with his family, always being on the outside looking in.

But I'm losing hope on that idea, and it makes me panic. The thought of a life where I can never be a mom is bad enough, but to have to live with someone who IS a dad - not getting to share that with him - I can't even imagine how horrible that will be.

I just got home from Costco where some guy was selling puppies that we can't afford, but I was telling DH I would love to have one just so I could have something in this house that would be excited to see me, want to play etc. Something just to make me feel less outnumbered all the time. That led to a talk about the kids always ignoring me (DH thinks it's not a sign of them not liking me, but I can't think of any other reason, honestly). Then it just escalated into a full blown fight, like the worst we've ever had.

Sorry this is all over the place, I'm upset and my heart is still racing. I just needed to get this out.
by on Jul. 6, 2014 at 4:19 PM
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Replies (1-10):
momof2ex1
by Ruby Member on Jul. 6, 2014 at 4:24 PM
1 mom liked this
I am soo sorry ((big hugs))

I have no real advice for you because I can't imagine what it is like to be in your shoes. My husband and my kids have meshed pretty well and even when we've had bumps, my daughter has not always been the perfect stepchild to him, we seem to make it through to the other side. Stories like yours is why I joined this group. To see my husbands perspective - I would never want him to feel the way you do.

What does your dr say about your fertility troubles? If you're not able - is adoption even a consideration for you?
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annabl1970
by Gold Member on Jul. 6, 2014 at 4:25 PM
4 moms liked this
I am sorry you felt that way
I hope you will be able to have the child of your own very soon
I think you shyly get used to the fact that SKs are not considering family
And it's fine
Why do you need to be a family to someone who doesn't think about as such?
Do not act invisible
Don't play into that game
It's your house it's your life
And you and your H is a family remember that:)
Posted on CafeMom Mobile
runinpinkshoes
by Silver Member on Jul. 6, 2014 at 4:32 PM
Thanks. It's ok if you don't have advice, it was more of a vent anyway, so I just appreciate your empathetic response. :)

My dr said to pursue IVF if I don't get pregnant naturally in 3 months (from the date of the surgery). So we have an appt in August. We're going that route first, 1) because it actually is cheaper than adoption and 2) because I'm just not sure how I feel about adopting a child that's not biologically related to either of us when DH already knows what it's like to have biological kids. Like he won't love ours the same.

The IVF thing is stressful in itself - the cost, the numerous appts that I don't have time for due to my busy work schedule. But that's another gripe, I'll stop now since I'm already being a total Debbie downer as it is.

Quoting momof2ex1: I am soo sorry ((big hugs))



I have no real advice for you because I can't imagine what it is like to be in your shoes. My husband and my kids have meshed pretty well and even when we've had bumps, my daughter has not always been the perfect stepchild to him, we seem to make it through to the other side. Stories like yours is why I joined this group. To see my husbands perspective - I would never want him to feel the way you do.



What does your dr say about your fertility troubles? If you're not able - is adoption even a consideration for you?
runinpinkshoes
by Silver Member on Jul. 6, 2014 at 4:36 PM
I've disengaged a great deal - done the whole "Ok I don't care anymore what they think, I'm going to stop trying so hard" thing - but I know it makes DH happy when he feels like I'm fitting in with his kids. It causes tension and, sometimes, a fight when I'm backing off and not engaging them.

Quoting annabl1970: I am sorry you felt that way
I hope you will be able to have the child of your own very soon
I think you shyly get used to the fact that SKs are not considering family
And it's fine
Why do you need to be a family to someone who doesn't think about as such?
Do not act invisible
Don't play into that game
It's your house it's your life
And you and your H is a family remember that:)
Leigh84
by Silver Member on Jul. 6, 2014 at 4:38 PM
1 mom liked this
I'm sorry for what you're going through. DH and I tried for almost a year and a 1/2 to ttc. I started to wonder if I could even have kids. I hope one day you can have your own kids. A friend of mine had endometriosis and she was able to go on and have a kid.
momof2ex1
by Ruby Member on Jul. 6, 2014 at 4:52 PM
2 moms liked this
Oh honey I'm sorry. That's what we are here for!

I am completely clueless about IVF so I can't imagine all that it entails.
I can understand your concern about adoption. I worry that my dh adopting my son won't always be enough for him but men are definitely different than women in that aspect. We women were made to have children. But if this gives you any hope at all - my friend was raised by her aunt who never had bio children. Of course raising someone else's children without the children actually being yours is very different. And for someone who wants a child of their own so badly - it's different. Then after raising my friend all the way to adulthood - she was given the opportunity of raising someone else's child (an infant who had been abandoned - CPS contacted next of ken - happened to be my friends aunt) she said she couldn't do it again. It was too heart breaking and lots of struggles. She would only do it if she could legally adopt. The parents were never going to get their daughter back. So my friend's aunt adopted her at I believe age 3. The girl is 18 now. The love she has for that girl is so strong. Even though I know the story - I often forget ..she is adopted. Don't give up on that as an option. Adoption is beautiful - giving a child the life they would have never had. I know that biology is important. It is for me and I've worried that biology would keep my dh at a distance. But it hasn't. Just don't give up hope. I know you're just down today. Tomorrow is a new day.


Quoting runinpinkshoes: Thanks. It's ok if you don't have advice, it was more of a vent anyway, so I just appreciate your empathetic response. :)

My dr said to pursue IVF if I don't get pregnant naturally in 3 months (from the date of the surgery). So we have an appt in August. We're going that route first, 1) because it actually is cheaper than adoption and 2) because I'm just not sure how I feel about adopting a child that's not biologically related to either of us when DH already knows what it's like to have biological kids. Like he won't love ours the same.

The IVF thing is stressful in itself - the cost, the numerous appts that I don't have time for due to my busy work schedule. But that's another gripe, I'll stop now since I'm already being a total Debbie downer as it is.

Quoting momof2ex1: I am soo sorry ((big hugs))

I have no real advice for you because I can't imagine what it is like to be in your shoes. My husband and my kids have meshed pretty well and even when we've had bumps, my daughter has not always been the perfect stepchild to him, we seem to make it through to the other side. Stories like yours is why I joined this group. To see my husbands perspective - I would never want him to feel the way you do.

What does your dr say about your fertility troubles? If you're not able - is adoption even a consideration for you?
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momof2ex1
by Ruby Member on Jul. 6, 2014 at 4:54 PM
When you do get to that point - get in to some of those adoption forums. Read around and get some advice from moms who have adopted.
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annabl1970
by Gold Member on Jul. 6, 2014 at 5:09 PM
You should think more about what makes YOU happy
And if in order to feel happy you have to disengage from SKs - do it!
He wants you to fitting in with his kids, it's his job ( not yours) to try his best to make his kids accept you.

Quoting runinpinkshoes: I've disengaged a great deal - done the whole "Ok I don't care anymore what they think, I'm going to stop trying so hard" thing - but I know it makes DH happy when he feels like I'm fitting in with his kids. It causes tension and, sometimes, a fight when I'm backing off and not engaging them.

Quoting annabl1970: I am sorry you felt that way
I hope you will be able to have the child of your own very soon
I think you shyly get used to the fact that SKs are not considering family
And it's fine
Why do you need to be a family to someone who doesn't think about as such?
Do not act invisible
Don't play into that game
It's your house it's your life
And you and your H is a family remember that:)
Posted on CafeMom Mobile
pdxmum
by Platinum Member on Jul. 6, 2014 at 5:19 PM
2 moms liked this
DD20 is an IVF baby. Can't imagine going through that and also being a SM.

Get a puppy. Seriously. Why not? Go to the humane society.

About a year before I divorced, I got a puppy. Same reason. Unhappy and wanted unconditional love. It was perfect. However, I discovered I was not a dog person. A dear friend of mine adopted her 4 years later. I also had DH at that point.

Everything you are feeling is valid but remember, feelings are not facts. Sit with them for a bit and then figure out a plan.
cdrainey3
by Cher on Jul. 6, 2014 at 5:41 PM
1 mom liked this
I'm sorry to hear about your infertility. I had issues with being pregnant. I could get pregnant all I want, but would lose them. Infertility is a different kind of loss, but I think I can sympathize with it. It's really rough. Add the issues with your dh and talk about even harder. How old are you skids? Have you tried just being the cool aunt figure? If I want to connect with my ss, if he's being quiet or ignoring me, I just find a cool game that I know he loves, or I ask him if he wants to go to the gas station with me and I buy him a drink and candy. Basically I buy his love. LOL. It works. I know he doesn't hate me, he just doesn't know how to act and when I take the lead he follows very quickly.

I feel worried for you, when you said you can't spend too much time with your dh. Can you explain that a little better? Is that your dh making you feel that way when his kids are around or the kids or you just being cautious? What's with you not being able to get close to him? My dh and I smack each others butts, we kiss, hug and just whatever we want around our kids, ss included. Of course we aren't gross or being in appropriate but I feel like that's how children learn to love and be in happy relationships. It's a good thing to see people, especially parents love each other physically and emotionally.
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