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Helping everyone adjust eta update (vent) from this evening

Posted by on Jul. 13, 2014 at 7:05 PM
  • 224 Replies
Im not technically a sm yet but I will be soon and my 3 kids (dd 14, ds 12 and dd 6) and I recently moved in with my fiance and he has his 2 kids (ds 10 and dd 8) all summer. 5 kids who do not really know eachother stuffed into a smallish 4 bedroom house is a lot. The 2 younger girls share a room. The 2 boys share a room and my oldest girl has a room to herself.

We are going through some major adjustment issues,which I get is probably very natural. My fiances 8 yr old daughter is constantly annoying everyone in a bid for constant attention. My 6 yr old dd has been very moody and bratty in general (usually a very sweet natured girl). My fiances 10 yr old ds who has adhd and anger issues has been acting out a ton and refusing to listen to me. The only ones who seem relatively unphased are my older 2, though they fight like cats and dogs but then they always have.

Im getting overwhelmed by all the chaos and fighting.i work full time days at a very demanding manufacturing job. My fiance works 60+ hrs a week. We are hurting for money because i just started working there a week ago and havent gotten a check yet so we have all been living off of his income. We are all very stressed and exhausted and its becoming too much for any of us.

What can I do to help make this transition easier on everyone?

ETA: im literally in tears tonight. It was a rough one. After dinner (which ny sks complained incessantly about) , my oldest daughter and I got up to start cleaning up and I asked the other kids to scrape their plates in the trash and bring them to me. My kids and my ss10 (surprisingly) did as they were asked without complaint. My sd8 just sat there and looked at me. I repeated my request. She said "I dont have to do that. It isnt my job". I said "In my house, we all clear our own plates. It makes doing the dishes much quicker." She smirked at me and said, " Well, good thing this isnt YOUR hoise its my daddys house" which started a huge fight between her and my 2 older kids who are very protective of me.

Finally, I got them all quieted down and under control. Sent sd to her room and finished cleaning up with the help of the other kids.

I played cards with them all afterwards and tried to engage. My sd even came out to join and we all tried to act like nothing had happened.

After the game, my oldest.pulled.me into my room for some one on one time to.discuss some issues shes been having with the boys while shes babysitting. My sd continually burst into my room.demanding my dd come into the living room with her now over and over and when I told her we would both be out in just a minute and my dd14 said "cant I spend 5 minutes alone with my mom?" she stomped her foot and snapped "You 2 dont NEED to be alone. You shouldnt have secrets from the rest of us!" Which started another big argument which ended in both girls storming off to their rooms, my dd6 crying because my sd slammed the bedroom door they share in her face and the boys angry because the noise was interrupting a tv show they were watching together nicely...for once.

I know its all.petty crap but I had a.rough day at work, Ive barely seen my fiance in a week because this week was our.opposite shifts week (hes on swing shift) and Im exhausted and stressed and emotionally completely drained. It doesnt help that my period is takung its sweet ass time thus month and I have horrible pms.

Ok. So i just realized my eta is.mostly just a long winded vent. Sorry for that but I needed to get it out.
by on Jul. 13, 2014 at 7:05 PM
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Replies (1-10):
cdrainey3
by Cher on Jul. 13, 2014 at 7:17 PM
Are there other parents involved? His kids bm, your kids bf?
Joie35
by Bronze Member on Jul. 13, 2014 at 7:21 PM
His kids bm lives several states away. He has his kids all summer and then every other major holiday. My kids dad also lives in another state and will he seeing them every summer and also every other major holiday. They lived with him for a while up until last weekend.

Quoting cdrainey3: Are there other parents involved? His kids bm, your kids bf?
cdrainey3
by Cher on Jul. 13, 2014 at 7:31 PM
I would just make sure your dh and you get lots of date nights. At least once a week. Also try separating the kids from each other here and there. Is there a family member or a camp type thing that could take the younger ones for 2-3 days each week? I think you're worried about it being a mixed family, but honestly, my kids are like this and they have been with each other from day one. I understand that blending kids can be hard. Just remember its only for the summer. Summer is always hectic, but it's over before we know it.
whatIknownow
by Ruby Member on Jul. 13, 2014 at 7:38 PM
1 mom liked this

You have moved your kids into a house with roommates. They now have to share their space with roommates. How would you react if this happened to you? What would make it easier for you, if you were suddenly moved into a shared space with roommates?

I think if it were me, I would have kept my own kids in one room, to start with (unless they asked to be bunked up with the boyfriend's kids).

I feel the best way for two families to blend is to start out as "two families under one roof" and let everyone get to know each other, before trying to assume a one-family dynamic.


Joie35
by Bronze Member on Jul. 13, 2014 at 7:42 PM
We try but Im not sure where we can find the time :( my fiance works swing shift and I work first shift so when hes working nights we literally see eachother for an hr when I get off before he has to leave.

After this summer, the kids wont see much of eachother because they will be on opposite visitation schedules. So it wont be so crowded and overwhelming.

I think the hardest part is learning to deal with my soon to be step kids. I notice I have a lot more patience with my own kids issues. It isnt fair but its true. While I care about his kids I find myself getting very frustrated and annoyed with them a lot. His son is so defiant and rude and his daughter is so incredibly attention hungry...I find myself hiding in my room with my own kids a lot when Im home without my fiance. I know it isnt right but its true. They just ride my last nerve a lot.

Quoting cdrainey3: I would just make sure your dh and you get lots of date nights. At least once a week. Also try separating the kids from each other here and there. Is there a family member or a camp type thing that could take the younger ones for 2-3 days each week? I think you're worried about it being a mixed family, but honestly, my kids are like this and they have been with each other from day one. I understand that blending kids can be hard. Just remember its only for the summer. Summer is always hectic, but it's over before we know it.
BMisSHITE
by on Jul. 13, 2014 at 7:43 PM
1 mom liked this

Your best bet is to move out. Seriously, what a mess. 

Joie35
by Bronze Member on Jul. 13, 2014 at 7:45 PM
Hi kids already had separate rooms and we only had one other room available. Theres no way my 14 yr old daughter would have been ok sharing a room with her 12 yr old brother and and 6 yr old sister. And my fiance wasnt ok with his kids sharing a room as they are of the opposite sex.

Quoting whatIknownow:

You have moved your kids into a house with roommates. They now have to share their space with roommates. How would you react if this happened to you? What would make it easier for you, if you were suddenly moved into a shared space with roommates?

I think if it were me, I would have kept my own kids in one room, to start with (unless they asked to be bunked up with the boyfriend's kids).

whatIknownow
by Ruby Member on Jul. 13, 2014 at 7:46 PM

so you moved total strangers into each of his kids' rooms? That seems worse than having his two kids double up and free up a room.

Maybe then, you could have found a differenet place to live together after you got married?

Quoting Joie35: Hi kids already had separate rooms and we only had one other room available. Theres no way my 14 yr old daughter would have been ok sharing a room with her 12 yr old brother and and 6 yr old sister. And my fiance wasnt ok with his kids sharing a room as they are of the opposite sex.
Quoting whatIknownow:

You have moved your kids into a house with roommates. They now have to share their space with roommates. How would you react if this happened to you? What would make it easier for you, if you were suddenly moved into a shared space with roommates?

I think if it were me, I would have kept my own kids in one room, to start with (unless they asked to be bunked up with the boyfriend's kids).



Joie35
by Bronze Member on Jul. 13, 2014 at 7:47 PM
No, Im not moving out. I love my fiance and want to spend my life with him. We are building a life together. I knew their would be challenges and Im willing to deal with them but its a brand new experience and its overwhelming.

Quoting BMisSHITE:

Your best bet is to move out. Seriously, what a mess. 

Joie35
by Bronze Member on Jul. 13, 2014 at 7:47 PM
No, Im not moving out. I love my fiance and want to spend my life with him. We are building a life together. I knew their would be challenges and Im willing to deal with them but its a brand new experience and its overwhelming.

Quoting BMisSHITE:

Your best bet is to move out. Seriously, what a mess. 

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