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Hello to my fellow wicked ones, I am searching for your wisdom....

Posted by on Jul. 18, 2014 at 2:14 PM
  • 21 Replies

I have been a wicked stepmother for a little over 4 years now and while experiencing the ups and downs I have experienced the frustration inherent to the situation, it didn't occur to me until now that perhaps this would be a good place to look for support. So here is my first great frustration, I'm hoping  you can share some of your own experiences... My husband recentlly visited his son, during the visit his son asked why his father had cheated on his mother, thus causing their divorce. (While the aforementioned cheating did occur, it was most definately a 2 way infidelity street a detail conveniently left out when my predecessor began her little story time session). She then went on to tell the child that his father had been dishonoroably discharged from military service, I know this to be untrue based on my faith in my husband coupled with my ability to read the discharge paperwork myself.. The point here is this, what purpose have these lies served? How do we combat these lies without doing more damage to the kids? And what lies have been told about your husband by his ex and how did you deal?

by on Jul. 18, 2014 at 2:14 PM
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by Ruby Member on Jul. 18, 2014 at 2:32 PM

 well. in my OWN BM sitch, my ex would tell the kids we were divorced because *I* cheated. he forgot about how he cheated several times, was mean to me, couldnt hold a job and was abusive. i took the high road and told them "that isnt true, and dont worry about it, it is grown folks business, we both love you, idky dad is saying these things" for years i said that when it would come up. when they were 12 and 8, i got sick of it and told them that i left their dad because he hit me amongst other reasons (i didnt give the reasons) and that i didnt want to discuss it any more because it didnt matter. i didnt want to tell them that truth but was sick of him painting me as the bad guy so long.

by Ruby Member on Jul. 18, 2014 at 3:16 PM
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Not sure how much wickedness you'll find here - but welcome! Hope you're able to find what you're looking for.

I'm a BM and I've combated lies for years. I think originally I was just floored and shocked and mostly hurt. My first gut impulse reaction was to lash out however, I remained calm. Tabled the convo for later and later just never came. Over the years, I've gotten better at quick responses. I never point out - hey dads a liar - let me right his wrong. I simply say that often times during divorce, people are hurting and remember things differently. That isn't how I remember it. Dad and I are just better a part. Listing all of the positives in our lives since the divorce. Whether it's a new house, other people in our lives, the new baby, or new step sister etc.

I've found that as my child gets older, she figures things out on her own without me having to point the finger at anyone for any lies.

Maybe over the years dad can show his medals and talk about what he did during the military. Why he decided to get out. Or had to get out. He could even talk about any benefits he may receive as a honorably discharged service member. The wonderful things he has received or does receive. Whichever. Shining a light on the good things.

I don't think that cheating is a child's business but it could help to say some thing like - yes there was some infidelity. While I regret it - it had nothing to do with you or how much I love you. He doesn't have to point out moms wrong doings. He can take responsibility for his own part in the divorce and be done with it.

Mom is wrong for even discussing the divorce and dads faults. Especially without pointing out her own. But there's nothing you can do. It's not even worth confronting mom at this point. They both know what happened and she gets to live with the choice she has made to lie to her kid. Because lies always come back. It may take years but they do tend to come out at some point or another.
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by Ruby Member on Jul. 18, 2014 at 3:16 PM

SD13 has asked us why "I" ruined her parents marriage blah blah-she came to me-I refused to say anything because I didn't want BM drama.

She went to her father-he had told her a few times it wasn't true/but it wasn't SD's business to know either.

Finally DH did tell SD the truth along with BM's sister that when BM was pregnant with DH's son (my ss7) she got caught fucking another man (DH found drawings SD made of mommy and "Uncle J" in bed together-along with suspicious cell phone activity and missing money)

Basically dh and the aunt told sd-BM couldn't keep her legs shut and DH refused to allow her to stay in the home. Like-he kicked her out that very night-she was only allowed to take her purse/her daughter and her car keys-she wasn't allowed to take anything else.

Why did she say all of this!? To make herself look good. Did it work?! no because now the kids know their mom slept around.

There was nothing we could do so we just dropped it and moved on.

by on Jul. 18, 2014 at 3:19 PM
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you have nothing to combat. 

He cheated, not a lie. You don't know that mom didn't tell him she did, too. He could just be going to each parent and asking questions.

by on Jul. 18, 2014 at 3:41 PM
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She didn't tell him a lie. You guys cheated, you yourself admitted it. Maybe she chose not to tell the whole truth, but I guess that's where it comes back to you guys on going down to her level yet again.
by Platinum Member on Jul. 18, 2014 at 3:55 PM

What has your DH said to his DS when he was asked those questions?

by Platinum Member on Jul. 18, 2014 at 5:11 PM
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that's one discussion I'd refuse to have with a child. As a SM and as a BM, adult biz is adult biz and I'd stop the story with an "adults talk isn't for you kiddo" end of story. 

and I've not met a SM here that I would call 'wicked' nor have I met an evil BM here. WE're just a bunch of ladies trying to make our lives run as smmothly as we can!

by on Jul. 18, 2014 at 5:26 PM
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How old is his son?  Are we talking about an 8 year old or an 18 year old?

Right up until the very last moment that I possibly could, I would say, "The 'why' doesn't matter, honey.  All that matters is that Mommy and Daddy don't fight anymore and everyone love you and your brother.  The rest is ancient history and not worth dredging up."  And leave it at that.

I'm a BM and had to do this with ODS when he put 2 and 2 together and came up with 4, on his own.  It felt a little like I was lying to him but, honest to goodness, kids do NOT need to know this stuff!

Stay on the high road and do everything in your power to NOT live up to the "wicked' title and SS will win, in the end.

by Platinum Member on Jul. 18, 2014 at 5:32 PM
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I would leave the reply to that up to your DH. I would direct the child to his dad. I do not think BM was in the right doing that, but you can't control her actions. BF can either take the high road and look out for his child's best interests or he can get vindictive and hurt the kid like BM is doing. Neither of them should do it.
by Ruby Member on Jul. 18, 2014 at 5:53 PM

I would leave the handling to DH. I would correct lies directly concerning me if the child and I were having the conversation but not any lies that are about DH and/or BM.

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