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Why ?!?!?!?

Posted by on Jul. 18, 2014 at 5:42 PM
  • 14 Replies
I haven't posted in quite a while. There has been so much happen. The highlight of it all was BM leaving the state for a while and not disclosing her whereabouts. She will do that from time to time. She's really only consistent for a year at a time. Just long enough so we can't file abandonment and she probably does it on purpose. But when she comes back in the picture she raises hell of some kind. Completely disrupting our life's and SD who is now 10 and is completely aware of her mothers inconsistencies now.
So , the thing that is bothering me is not BM. I know her by now. I've tried being friends and that didn't work. But my issue is with myself. Why do I let her get to me ?! I suffer from anxiety and depression and am getting it under control and then along comes BM Her latest crap is that she needs to meet with DH to discuss things and has to do it in person. Cannot text. Cannot do a phone call. Very dramatic. She's so inconsistent and unpredictable. We can't even guess what it's about. It's regarding sd is all she will say. And I'm letting this eat me up Why?????

Please share some insight with me. I feel so stupid. I feel weak. I need some stepmother wisdom!!!!!
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by on Jul. 18, 2014 at 5:42 PM
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by on Jul. 18, 2014 at 5:46 PM
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I'm a BM, not a SM.  But, I've been where you're at.  It used to eat me up thinking about what she was thinking/saying/doing/planning.  It took a LOT of practice for "I don't care" to come naturally.

I'd think in your position, you're apt to feel more vulnerable than I even did because she's BM and you're "only" SM.  Don't let even a whisper of that thought get in your head.  YOU are there all of the time and she's gallivanting around like Little Ms. No Responsibility.

Breathe through it, keep loving on your SD and talk to your DH every time you feel like the panic is going to set in.  The only way to stop it is to talk about it and get the negativity out.

by Member on Jul. 18, 2014 at 5:59 PM
Thank you. I know I get myself worked up because you just never know what this woman will do or say. She makes up her own reality and it's been a very bumpy ride. Im really trying to disengage and that's so hard when I do so much with sd. I am trying to just focus on my own two and sd when she's with us,which is always.
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by Gold Member on Jul. 18, 2014 at 6:01 PM
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What keeps me sane? One simple thought...why am I here to start with...because I love my DH and wanted to be his wife...not because I wanted his kids. I love them, care well for them, want the best for them. The responsibility for what happens to them and how they turn out...on DH and B
by Silver Member on Jul. 18, 2014 at 6:05 PM
It's a lack of control thing. Just accept it and get some hobbies or something.
by on Jul. 18, 2014 at 6:08 PM
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Even if there is something afoot, worry will not prevent it happening. So don't worry :)

Cross the bridges when you get there and make sure you have built in wiggle room and flexibility to react if need be.

Then let go.
by Platinum Member on Jul. 18, 2014 at 6:14 PM
I'm both a BM and a SM. I'd take it with a grain of salt. She may have given birth to Your SK but your the one acting like the mom. You can't control what she says or wants to talk about. You can only control your reaction to it. Maybe she's trying to upset you maybe she's not, who knows. I'm sure your DH will let you know all about it after the talk. Don't let it impact your relationship with him or SK. Good luck
by Gold Member on Jul. 18, 2014 at 7:07 PM
I completely understand. I've thought a lot about this in our sitch and my conclusion: Life has natural bumps and lumps... Everyone gets this. In our home we work together as a unit. However tgere is someone standing on the outside fighting like HELL to get on the inside and cause problems. (I'm sad fir BM because it's a reflection of her inner daemons). Nonetheless it's a constant threat and naturally we protect the things we love and find value in. In these situations, we try to do everything possible to protect ourselves and our loved ones. Feeling vulnerable and trying to brace for the next impact feels horrible and scary. Most people struggle with everyday stuff and yet as a step parent, the threat of upheaval in our lives is so big it is suffocating.

I say in our case, it's the biological parent and ex wife of my husband. But it's the same no matter whom the threat is from. (Family, neighbors, ect.). Dealing with people who are trying or who wish harm on us, our happiness, our loved ones is the single most difficult thing of my life. It's overwhelming.

I'm not sure how to deal with it yet. I'm not doing well in how I've tried before. If u figure out how to live under constant drama... Please share with me too.
by Ruby Member on Jul. 18, 2014 at 7:36 PM
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Some people are just over dramatic. Compartmentalize. Tell yourself that you are not going to think about this for 15 minutes. Then 30 then an hour. Then you get to a point where you don't have to tell yourself. You forget.

You have anxiety - which I used to struggle with also. I've overcome it. I think i am still anxious but I am in complete control of my anxiety and my impulsive thoughts.

What can she do? She can't hurt you. She's consistently inconsistent. Her inconsistent behavior may contribute to your anxiety of not knowing what to expect. Realize that you know exactly what to expect! You've been down this road with her before. You know it's never a huge deal. It's just her being dramatic. So it's probably that SD has dirty socks or that SD has brown eyes.

Get yourself to a point where you know that it is probably nothing. She is wanting some attention. You are giving it to her. Indirectly. Don't give her what she wants. Shut your brain down. Do yoga. Get a hobby. Go spend time with HER child. But stop thinking about what drama she is going to bring. She's bringing it regardless of you being worried.
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by on Jul. 18, 2014 at 7:43 PM
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So, let the two of them meet in person. It is probably best that they meet in person. Find something else to do during that time.

by on Jul. 19, 2014 at 1:08 AM
This is what is is for me. It was hard to admit it, or see it at first, but I have had to just really remind myself that I honestly don't give two fucks about bm and therefore there is no room for her in my head. If I start thinking of the most recent shit she's pulled, I just immediately think of something else.

It's also nice being on here and talking about things, I can vent and get my opinions off my chest and feel better, therefor don't need to think about it any more.

Quoting Panda113: It's a lack of control thing. Just accept it and get some hobbies or something.
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