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Insulting or good idea? Veteran SMs, get in here!

Posted by on Jul. 19, 2014 at 10:47 PM
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I've been drinking wine after a stressful day, so I'm sorry if this sounds abrasive.

Dh and bm are high conflict. Well, bm is high conflict. Dh is one of the most laid back guys I've ever met, to the point where it annoys me occasionally.
Well, our new idea to keep the peace once kindergarten starts (and to reduce to 983738 times bm feels the need to call Dh during her visits) is that a notebook goes back and forth between visits. That way anything that happens that is out of the norm can be written down. The plan is to include a brief couple sentences about what ss did during his time, anything coming up with school or sports, requests for a change of weekend or something, stuff like that.

We're wanting to eliminate the verbal conversation between Dh and bm as much as possible, because she's so much less confrontational when it's written !

Is it insulting to ask that she only write in the notebook if it's not something that needs handled at that very minute?
by on Jul. 19, 2014 at 10:47 PM
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by Bronze Member on Jul. 19, 2014 at 11:22 PM
Do you think she will be able to understand what needs immediate attention and what isnt an not a veteran by any means but bm can be hostile more than not and calls excessively about things not even related to her dd(last time it was a drunken phone call where she called df a name suggesting hes gay and told him im a sado masichist..literally just nonsense but at least we got a laugh outta that one) even though df has told her many times not to. He usually ignores her calls unless theyre at her scheduled time for phone calls. Id throw it out there but idk she may just say ill call about whatever i want.
by Bronze Member on Jul. 19, 2014 at 11:30 PM

I think it is a great idea. I don't understand why you want to dictate what she is allowed to put in the book? Can't she just do the same as you are? Like what ss did while he was with her, if something is worth remarking on, any questions or changes to the schedule...things that you plan on putting in the notebook. I would leave out the restrictions and just explain the purpose of the notebook to her once. I think it is a step in the right direction. Good idea!

by on Jul. 19, 2014 at 11:32 PM
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My SO and HC BM have a communication notebook. BM was using exchanges to interrogate SO.

He uses it correctly. Takes a photo of ever page to keep on hard drive in case notebook "goes missing".

BM's entries are.. Hmm, not all that informative. *shrugs*

But she no longer talks to him at exchanges because she knows he cuts her off and says " it's in the book".
by Platinum Member on Jul. 19, 2014 at 11:38 PM
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I think it's a great idea and documentation if needed later. It's a way to keep peace and communication open. I'd also take pics like the other person suggested. Maybe if BM is normally verbally hostile this will prevent her because she is smart enough to not write anything hostile down.
by Platinum Member on Jul. 20, 2014 at 12:53 AM

I wouldn't go notbook... it will get lost.  Email or text might work.

by on Jul. 20, 2014 at 1:05 AM
I posted about this but yes, poofed it because it turned into an inquisition as to why it was necessary. I did find a free website that is amazingly organized for a communication log. It is and it is FREE. Check it out, it may fit your needs.
by on Jul. 20, 2014 at 1:13 AM

totally unnecessary.

communicate with the teacher, skip the mom entirely.

seems texting would be more appropriate for things requiring conversation.

by Platinum Member on Jul. 20, 2014 at 1:21 AM

We tried to do emails every Sunday (from DH) and emails at the end of every visit (from BM). This doesn't happen. DH sends emails each and every Sunday, however BM ignores them and never replies.

Things like this only work when BOTH parents participate. 

by Gold Member on Jul. 20, 2014 at 3:45 AM

Does BM keep it to strictly child related issues?  What do you think the real reason she calls all the time is?  Is she insecure as a parent?  Does she think she has to call to report and that is filling her obligation? 

Has DH talked to her about this issue?  Can she text and DH reply when convenient? 

Haven't read all the replies, so I apologize if this is duplicate questions...

by Gold Member on Jul. 20, 2014 at 9:36 AM
DH and BM went through a similar situation. High conflict, BM used SD as an excuse to "force" DH to pay her attention (talking about things entirely unrelated to SD). DH being so low conflict he was unsure of how to not get stuck talking with BM for an hour about her life.

DH ended up requesting all non-emergent issues be discussed by email or text. A notebook would have been harder to enact, harder for BM to accept, easier for her to ignore with excuses like she doesn't have the notebook with her at the moment/can't find it/etc. If BM can pick up the phone to call she can pick up the phone to text or email.

It worked well. At first all communication was through text/email. Now, a few years later, they are starting to have normal verbal convos about SD and the understanding that text/email will be resumed as kept everyone on track.
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