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What Could DH Do?

Posted by on Jul. 21, 2014 at 1:37 PM
  • 41 Replies

The situation looks like this:

There was a situation at BM's this weekend, the cops were called and SS11 came back home from his visit because the cops would not allow him to stay at his mothers. Dh isn't sure how to consequence SS11 because BM made really bad parenting decisions that lead to SS11 acting the way he did. Of course SS11 shouldn't have done ANYTHING that he did, but BM ALSO shouldn't have done what she did. 

(Basically, SS11 is an easily angered child, BM wouldn't allow him time to cool off from an aggravating situation)

DH knows he is not getting the full story from anyone, he also knows that BM will punish SS11 for his behavior, so he (dh) doesn't want to "over punish" his son for a situation that seems like it was equally BM's fault, as it was SS11.

(For those that think this is a bit vague, it is, intentionally, because I don't know if BM is on CM and I don't need some stupid online drama with her)

I usually have some kind of opinion, or suggestion to input, but I'm at a bit of a loss here, I don't really know what can be done, other then what DH is doing, which is, telling his son that how he behaved wasn't okay. The fact that he (dh) had to be called away from his (our) weekend plans to deal with this, isn't okay either, so SS11 is grounded. 

I'll give some more details if people ask, but like I said, I'm not being super specific, because I really don't want to deal with the drama  :-) IF she's on here, I have no idea one way or the other, haha! :-)

Ideas? 

by on Jul. 21, 2014 at 1:37 PM
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Replies (1-10):
momof2ex1
by Ruby Member on Jul. 21, 2014 at 1:41 PM
What is he grounded from? I like to ground my daughter from something specific. She's never had bad enough behavior that her life is just at a stand still for a period of time. It's usually her most precious currency. Like her phone or friends or the game system. Sometimes tv but she doesn't care much about tv so that doesn't always matter.
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lovelymomma87
by Bronze Member on Jul. 21, 2014 at 1:48 PM

Everything basically. He has things in his room to occupy himself, books, this HUGE puzzle his great-uncle just gave him, I think his brother allows him to use his MP3 player. He cannot hang out with friends, or have any electronic, or watch T.V. We will be going to the local pool today, but DH explained to SS11 that it's not any kind of reward for him, nor is it an indication that he's not in trouble, it's actually kind of a necessity due to being so hot today. 

Quoting momof2ex1: What is he grounded from? I like to ground my daughter from something specific. She's never had bad enough behavior that her life is just at a stand still for a period of time. It's usually her most precious currency. Like her phone or friends or the game system. Sometimes tv but she doesn't care much about tv so that doesn't always matter.


tiafez
by Silver Member on Jul. 21, 2014 at 1:49 PM

seperate the issues.


SS can still learn to control himself and know what is proper behavior without over punishing him. DH can deal with SS's misbehavior in a calm manner, addressing it without yelling or anger. 

Tinkerbellmama
by Platinum Member on Jul. 21, 2014 at 1:53 PM

How much information was your DH able to get from the cops?

I mean... I have an 11 year old son, and that's a REALLY hard age. He gets aggravated and frustrated really easily. But, really, with only part of the information, it's hard to make a suggestion. Something so severe the cops had to be called? I'd be grounding DS from everything, expect maybe doing som research about self control and proper behavior.

lovelymomma87
by Bronze Member on Jul. 21, 2014 at 1:55 PM

What I meant by "over punishing" is that he doesn't want to give a strict consequence, and then BM does the same or twice as bad. If that makes sense?

DH has handled SS11 in the very manner you described in the last sentence, he's actually been VERY calm and the situation is one that it would be understandable if he wasn't quite so calm.

Quoting tiafez:

seperate the issues.


SS can still learn to control himself and know what is proper behavior without over punishing him. DH can deal with SS's misbehavior in a calm manner, addressing it without yelling or anger. 


momager2two
by Member on Jul. 21, 2014 at 1:58 PM
To start with, it sounds like he needs to learn some skills so he doesnt get so mad so quickly. He also needs some coping skills when he is mad. Its hard to say what is a good punishment because we dont know what the cops were called for. But it was obviously pretty bad if he wasnt allowed to stay there. Next, i would be having a serious talk with mom about wth happened and why it escalated so badly.
GlockMom
by Platinum Member on Jul. 21, 2014 at 2:01 PM

What did he do?  Did he assault his mother?  Why was he removed from her home? 

lovelymomma87
by Bronze Member on Jul. 21, 2014 at 2:01 PM

DH didn't get much info from the cops, he's waiting for the report.

In a nutshell:

BM offered SS11 dinner, he wasn't hungry so he turned it down. Sometime later, he was hungry so he went to get some food. BM got angry by that because SS11 didn't ask, AND because she had already offered food and it was denied. SS11 got mad, tried to go take time alone, BM wouldn't allow it, she kept talking at him, telling him he would be grounded from "this, that and the other". SS11 got angrier and angrier, ended up outside, and was throwing things around, 1 item being an axe. 

BM called DH and told him she was going to call the cops, he said he'd be right there, wait for him, but BM called anyways.

I just gave it all away, haha, so if she's here, she'll probably recognize this, hahaha! (kinda losing my give a sh**)

Quoting Tinkerbellmama:

How much information was your DH able to get from the cops?

I mean... I have an 11 year old son, and that's a REALLY hard age. He gets aggravated and frustrated really easily. But, really, with only part of the information, it's hard to make a suggestion. Something so severe the cops had to be called? I'd be grounding DS from everything, expect maybe doing som research about self control and proper behavior.


hershey6
by Bronze Member on Jul. 21, 2014 at 2:01 PM
1 mom liked this
We had similar issues with DH's oldest son (now 17) because he and BM are so similar that when they start an argument it escalates quickly and neither one of them is able to step away to cool down.
DH would punish his son some, but mostly tried to have discussions with him about his anger and behavior and why it was unacceptable and some ways that he could deal with it better in the future.
The situation is improving in some ways, although SS does see a counselor and is still working on being able to take a step back when he feels he is being attacked.
bottomline
by Silver Member on Jul. 21, 2014 at 2:03 PM

 Without knowing how bm punished SS or what was actually done by SS, it's hard to make any type of a suggestion.  Situations vary and therefore, so do the consequences.  If SS has an anger issue, work on that first.  He needs to control his anger or that will guide his behavior, as he is already showing signs of.

Does he have a hobby or an outlet to express himself, without the anger I mean?  I know the pre-teen years can be frustrating but he has got to learn to control his temper. Is he acting out any where else besides home? 

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