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I live in a war zone

Posted by on Jul. 24, 2014 at 8:53 PM
  • 397 Replies
And its making me and my df crazy.

The first few days, my kids and my sks got along just fine. The boys played together (ds12 ss10). The little girls played together (sd 8 dd6) and my oldest dd14 basically hung out with me. They treated sharing rooms like a slumber party and everyone seemed to enjoy eachother.

But now that my kids have been here a few weeks, all Hell has broken loose. Ds and ss have decided they dont like eachother and fight about everything. Ss is very rude and disrespectful towards me pretty frequently, especially when I try to enforce rules he doesnt like or try to get him to do his share of the housework (yes, already wrote a post about that). Hes also really mean to my dd6. My 2 older kids are super protective of me and their baby sister so whenever he acts out towards me or treats her badly they swoop in to defend and it always winds up in a giant fight peppered with lots of shut ups and youre an idiots. Ive tried repeatedly to tell them they need to let me handle things but they just cant seem to step back. I try to nip things in the bud right away but it always seems to explode into a mess because he will not listen to me and he insists on disrespecting me. My df had told me to backhand him when he mouths off since nothing else seems to be working buy I cant do that.

Sd and dd6 dont get along either. Dd6 wants sd to play with her all the time but sd refuses, saying "I dont like little kids" and " shes annoying". The more sd yells at her to go away the more dd bugs her and then resorts to annoying her on purpose just because she wants her attention. Sd also will never take no for an answer and begs and begs incessantly whenever I tell her no to something. Usually food because the kid would literally eat everything in the house in one day if you let her. Dd is now copying her and refusing to take no for an answer and calling anyone and everyone "annoying". Sd is also very jealous of my dd14. Dd14 is pretty much always with me. She helps me with everything and is the only one of the kids old enough to hang out with my best friend and I when we are having grown up time and to not have a bedtime. Sd resents the close relationship I have with her and is always trying to insert herself between us.

Now Im not saying my kids are perfect. Dd14 is bossy and lazy. Ds12 is rambunctious and mouthy himself and doesnt listen that well either and dd6 is spoiled and can be very whiny. Im just a lot more comfortable disciplining them and know how to handle them better.

None of the kids are near as bad when df is home.

I love my df. We have an amazing relationship. He is a loving and affectionate and attentive man. But the chaos lately is killing us. We are stressed all the time. family time isnt fun anymore. We have resorted to separating the kids all the time and rotating who is hanging out with us when...it makes my df and I very sad that it has to be this way.

Eta: I just has it out with ss. His dad talked to him on the.phone about his behavior tonight and grounded him from his tablet and he got pissed, threw my phone across the room and stomped off to his room and slammed the door. He was in his room screaming like a crazy person and throwing things so I went down and told him the way he was acting was unacceptable and told him it was bedtime. He has left his room and snuck out to the den to watch tv 4 times since. The last time I had to physically haul him up off the floor and drag him to his room. I told him if he did it again I was going to spank his butt like thw 3 yr old he is acting like and he threatened to call the cops and report me for child abuse. I am so mad I am literally shaking right now.

Eta 2: I cant argue about this any longer. Im not moving out. Im not sending my kids back to their mom. My df will not cheat on me (hes.cheated once. In his life. With me) and ffs telling me my 14dd will get pregnant, my 12 yr old will do drugs and implying my 6 yr old baby will commit suicide is way too much. I came here for help, realistic, doable advice. And I got bashed to shreds and told to move out. Um yeah. Cuz, practically, I can raise 3 kkds on 10$/hr (yeah right) and emotionally, Im going to give up the only real happiness Ive ever known because things are tough right now (again, yeah right). Im done with this. Think what you want. Judge away.
by on Jul. 24, 2014 at 8:53 PM
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Replies (1-10):
pdxmum
by Ruby Member on Jul. 24, 2014 at 8:57 PM
11 moms liked this

Well, that shit will happen when you move so quickly bringing significant others in and out of kid's lives.  When there is a new sweetie every couple of months, kids react.  When you kick kids out of rooms to make room for the woman who slept with daddy while married to mommy and bring the kid along who resulted from the affair, you have got to expect conflict.  Add in financial insecurity and life will not be a bed of roses.

why are you surprised?

tiafez
by Silver Member on Jul. 24, 2014 at 9:03 PM

you need to look into a larger space for all of these kids. I know you and your boyfriend wanted to be together but you moved in too fast and all the kids are suffering.. counselling, a larger living space, and a lot pf prayers are my only advice. Remember adults made the decisions but the kids will be the ones suffering. put yourselves in each of their shoes. 

Bubbles2014
by on Jul. 24, 2014 at 9:04 PM
5 moms liked this
And how was that helpful?

OP is well aware of her circumstances. She is asking for help. Circumstances are what they are.

Condescension and negativity are not helping her.

Quoting pdxmum:

Well, that shit will happen when you move so quickly bringing significant others in and out of kid's lives.  When there is a new sweetie every couple of months, kids react.  When you kick kids out of rooms to make room for the woman who slept with daddy while married to mommy and bring the kid along who resulted from the affair, you have got to expect conflict.  Add in financial insecurity and life will not be a bed of roses.

why are you surprised?

Posted on CafeMom Mobile
Joie35
by Bronze Member on Jul. 24, 2014 at 9:06 PM
Larger living space isnt an option for a long time if ever. He owns this home but only bought it last year. Theres no way we could afford.to sell and move. Especially since sks are only here for the summer. We have looked into building an addition but we cant afford to do that either right now.

Quoting tiafez:

you need to look into a larger space for all of these kids. I know you and your boyfriend wanted to be together but you moved in too fast and all the kids are suffering.. counselling, a larger living space, and a lot pf prayers are my only advice. Remember adults made the decisions but the kids will be the ones suffering. put yourselves in each of their shoes. 

Joie35
by Bronze Member on Jul. 24, 2014 at 9:08 PM
Thank you. I am aware we moved very quickly and that its rough on the kids. Im trying to figure out a way to make it less so. Undoing the situation isnt an option. Moving isnt an option. I need realistic advice. I know there are a lot of experienced sms on here that might have some ideas.

Quoting Bubbles2014: And how was that helpful?

OP is well aware of her circumstances. She is asking for help. Circumstances are what they are.

Condescension and negativity are not helping her.

Quoting pdxmum:

Well, that shit will happen when you move so quickly bringing significant others in and out of kid's lives.  When there is a new sweetie every couple of months, kids react.  When you kick kids out of rooms to make room for the woman who slept with daddy while married to mommy and bring the kid along who resulted from the affair, you have got to expect conflict.  Add in financial insecurity and life will not be a bed of roses.

why are you surprised?

buttercup627
by Bronze Member on Jul. 24, 2014 at 9:58 PM
This sounds like a resource issue. There are too many children amd not enough space or individual time. Are they with you all day everyday?
Joie35
by Bronze Member on Jul. 24, 2014 at 10:02 PM
No. Both df and I work full time. Hes on swing shift so sometimes he works at night, sometimes during the day. I work days. When we are on the same shift, my dd14 babysits.

My kids will be living with us full time. Sks come for the summer.

Quoting buttercup627: This sounds like a resource issue. There are too many children amd not enough space or individual time. Are they with you all day everyday?
ramita
by Silver Member on Jul. 24, 2014 at 10:11 PM
1 mom liked this
Sounds like he major problem is your SS not listening. Most of the rest is really fairly normal for even 'normal' families. If I were you I would sent down with your SS, just you and him, and point blank ask him why he's behaving this way. Get him to open up, it sounds like there is an underlying issue here. Good luck!!
Joie35
by Bronze Member on Jul. 24, 2014 at 10:18 PM
Ive tried talking to him. Mostly he just refuses to say anything if hes in a bad mood or pretends everything is wonderful if hes in a good mood.

He has adhd and anger issues and is supposed to take medication twice a day but I just found out hes been lying about taking his pills for the last several weeks and only taking them when someone has watched him do it. When school was in he took them religiously every morning without needing to be reminded and then the nurse at school gave him his second one.

Quoting ramita: Sounds like he major problem is your SS not listening. Most of the rest is really fairly normal for even 'normal' families. If I were you I would sent down with your SS, just you and him, and point blank ask him why he's behaving this way. Get him to open up, it sounds like there is an underlying issue here. Good luck!!
pdxmum
by Ruby Member on Jul. 24, 2014 at 10:19 PM
1 mom liked this
I find it very helpful. Especially for a woman who seems blind to the impact of her choices on her children.

And how were you helpful?

I believe there is space and need for blind support and raw truth. Feel free to offer what you feel is best.

Quoting Bubbles2014: And how was that helpful?

OP is well aware of her circumstances. She is asking for help. Circumstances are what they are.

Condescension and negativity are not helping her.

Quoting pdxmum:

Well, that shit will happen when you move so quickly bringing significant others in and out of kid's lives.  When there is a new sweetie every couple of months, kids react.  When you kick kids out of rooms to make room for the woman who slept with daddy while married to mommy and bring the kid along who resulted from the affair, you have got to expect conflict.  Add in financial insecurity and life will not be a bed of roses.

why are you surprised?

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