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sigh...the drama has begun :(

Posted by on Jul. 28, 2014 at 8:51 PM
  • 18 Replies

Quick backstory is that DH I recently moved out of state for my job (I am breadwinner) and SS10 and SD14 came to live with us while SD13 was going to stay with BM for the school year. Anyway, SD12 came to visit us for a short time this summer and then went back to BM because SD's BFF had come from TX (where she moved last year) to visit her grandma and friends for the summer. SD and her BFF have the exact same birthday so they wanted to celebrate together, which is understandable. Up until now SD was basking in the freedom of summer and being with friends that she was a happy camper and basicallly ignored the drama that was happening between her BM and her husband, SD's SF. But we found out today that yesterday SF lost his temper over something minor and started chocking one of their dogs, so BFF who was in the room, yelled at him to stop, and SF responded, "shut up B**ch, or I'll choke you too!". So then either SD overheard or BFF told her and they basically ran away from the house and went to stay with BFF's grandma. Later SD sent a nasty text to SF that was saying she would not go home until he was gone for good. Then SD told BM that if she didn't divorce him then she would go live with her Dad. Anyway, when BM called DH originally to explain the situation she was saying that her marriage was over and they talked about whether SD13 should come live with us. BM also mentioned that SD13 agreed to go with her to southern ca, where BM parents lives, if she does leave her husband. Anyway, a few hours later BM called DH back and said she is not ready to give up on her marriage yet but that SD might change her mind about coming back with her so she didnt want to make any decisions yet. So that is what we are left with right now. We have no idea what to do, should DH intervene or just let this play out? BM has kind of a co-dependent relationship with SD13 and SD feels the need to protect her and be there for her, so I think if SD chose or was forced to move here she would feel guilty and probably a little angry and take out her frustrations on us (she has done similar things in the past). For background, she lived with DH and I for the past 6 years, this would be the first year living with BM. She used to idolize her mom a lot and had some anger towards DH because BM was not in her life other than for summer and holidays. Now, she sees that her BM has troubles (she is bipolar) but she has a lot of sympathy for her and wants to be her savior in a sense. Anyway, I dont what is the best solution, nor does DH, we are just kinda of standing by right now. 

by on Jul. 28, 2014 at 8:51 PM
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Replies (1-10):
chasinrainbows
by Gold Member on Jul. 28, 2014 at 10:05 PM
2 moms liked this
SF sounds dangerous. My kid wouldn't be living there.
rocknmom85
by Silver Member on Jul. 28, 2014 at 10:36 PM
We're not sure what to think at this point about weather SF is a danger, there hasn't been any incident with the kids that we know of but BM told us today that SF has hit her in the past. SF claims he will be going to anger management but he already has tried that in the past. DH does not want his kids around SF but he just doesn't know what to do because the kids have to at least visit their mom, and he can't make BM divorce SF. Anyway, it's all happened so fast so we are still processing everything.

Quoting chasinrainbows: SF sounds dangerous. My kid wouldn't be living there.
TheEms
by Member on Jul. 28, 2014 at 11:08 PM
I would intervene. Maybe get BFFs parents to write a declaration to the court. Sounds like a dangerous situation
stepdiva
by Silver Member on Jul. 29, 2014 at 12:09 AM
Well is it just me or is choking a dog a display of dangerous behavior? Please I am interested in knowing this answer.

Quoting rocknmom85: We're not sure what to think at this point about weather SF is a danger, there hasn't been any incident with the kids that we know of but BM told us today that SF has hit her in the past. SF claims he will be going to anger management but he already has tried that in the past. DH does not want his kids around SF but he just doesn't know what to do because the kids have to at least visit their mom, and he can't make BM divorce SF. Anyway, it's all happened so fast so we are still processing everything.

Quoting chasinrainbows: SF sounds dangerous. My kid wouldn't be living there.
chasinrainbows
by Gold Member on Jul. 29, 2014 at 12:18 AM
He choked a dog and threatened a child but y'all aren't "sure" if he is dangerous or not???

Quoting rocknmom85: We're not sure what to think at this point about weather SF is a danger, there hasn't been any incident with the kids that we know of but BM told us today that SF has hit her in the past. SF claims he will be going to anger management but he already has tried that in the past. DH does not want his kids around SF but he just doesn't know what to do because the kids have to at least visit their mom, and he can't make BM divorce SF. Anyway, it's all happened so fast so we are still processing everything.

Quoting chasinrainbows: SF sounds dangerous. My kid wouldn't be living there.
chasinrainbows
by Gold Member on Jul. 29, 2014 at 12:21 AM
I was wondering if I read it that way or not. Choking a dog and threatening a child but they aren't sure if he is a danger or not? WTF?!?

Quoting stepdiva: Well is it just me or is choking a dog a display of dangerous behavior? Please I am interested in knowing this answer.

Quoting rocknmom85: We're not sure what to think at this point about weather SF is a danger, there hasn't been any incident with the kids that we know of but BM told us today that SF has hit her in the past. SF claims he will be going to anger management but he already has tried that in the past. DH does not want his kids around SF but he just doesn't know what to do because the kids have to at least visit their mom, and he can't make BM divorce SF. Anyway, it's all happened so fast so we are still processing everything.

Quoting chasinrainbows: SF sounds dangerous. My kid wouldn't be living there.
stepdiva
by Silver Member on Jul. 29, 2014 at 12:28 AM
1 mom liked this
Right? Wtf. This sounds like a huge fucking cop out to me, as in, yeah we kinda enjoy the drama but let's not by any means commit to seeing to it that the kid(s) are safe. Let's jockey this back and forth until the shock and awe is over.
This is one of those posts that the more I think about it, the more disgusted I am. Lol

Quoting chasinrainbows: I was wondering if I read it that way or not. Choking a dog and threatening a child but they aren't sure if he is a danger or not? WTF?!?
Quoting stepdiva: Well is it just me or is choking a dog a display of dangerous behavior? Please I am interested in knowing this answer.
Quoting rocknmom85: We're not sure what to think at this point about weather SF is a danger, there hasn't been any incident with the kids that we know of but BM told us today that SF has hit her in the past. SF claims he will be going to anger management but he already has tried that in the past. DH does not want his kids around SF but he just doesn't know what to do because the kids have to at least visit their mom, and he can't make BM divorce SF. Anyway, it's all happened so fast so we are still processing everything.
Quoting chasinrainbows: SF sounds dangerous. My kid wouldn't be living there.
rocknmom85
by Silver Member on Jul. 29, 2014 at 1:04 AM
Relax. SD is safe right now at her friends grandparents. We are not trying to cop out of anything we just have to approach this the right way because DH can't just demand BM send SD here immediately. His behavior was completely not acceptable and everyone acknowledges that fact, but we don't know what to do at this juncture. We're not idiots, so don't act like were risking SD life by not immediately swooping her up. Sure, BM has her issues, but neither of us think she would risk endangering her child.

Quoting stepdiva: Right? Wtf. This sounds like a huge fucking cop out to me, as in, yeah we kinda enjoy the drama but let's not by any means commit to seeing to it that the kid(s) are safe. Let's jockey this back and forth until the shock and awe is over.
This is one of those posts that the more I think about it, the more disgusted I am. Lol

Quoting chasinrainbows: I was wondering if I read it that way or not. Choking a dog and threatening a child but they aren't sure if he is a danger or not? WTF?!?
Quoting stepdiva: Well is it just me or is choking a dog a display of dangerous behavior? Please I am interested in knowing this answer.
Quoting rocknmom85: We're not sure what to think at this point about weather SF is a danger, there hasn't been any incident with the kids that we know of but BM told us today that SF has hit her in the past. SF claims he will be going to anger management but he already has tried that in the past. DH does not want his kids around SF but he just doesn't know what to do because the kids have to at least visit their mom, and he can't make BM divorce SF. Anyway, it's all happened so fast so we are still processing everything.
Quoting chasinrainbows: SF sounds dangerous. My kid wouldn't be living there.
momof2ex1
by Ruby Member on Jul. 29, 2014 at 1:31 AM
There are other ways to visit mom. She has to make a choice at this point. Her children and their safety or her fucking crazy husband who could snap at any moment.

The decision would be easy for me.

My ex could not take our dd around his gf at the time because the gf (now sm.. Obviously he didn't make the same choice you and I would make) because she injured my child and was arrested on felony child endangerment. He did not lose his rights but because he lived in her home, he had to take visits away from the home. For a while he would take her camping when the weather was nice. Or they would spend the night with friends. Or he would just see her a few nights a week for a few hours. Then he decided that it was too hard to find places to go to visit with dd so he decided he didn't have to follow the protective order and took her home. Next day - I filed an emergency ex parte and he was ordered to supervised visits until the case was settled and SM had satisfied the courts orders for anger management and therapy. The judge could not believe that he chose to stay with someone who physically harmed his child. She was floored. It was deemed that he was not capable of protecting our child from danger because he wasn't able to separate his obligation as a parent from his need to be with a woman.

If BM can not decide that her child's safety is more important that her relationship with her husband - then she should not be the custodial parent for that child. Your husband also has an obligation to protect his child.

I would say - if I were BM and this were my husband, my husband would be moving out until we could figure it out. My child would be coming home. If for whatever reason I'm not able to put my child's safety above my desire to fix my marriage then my child is better off with her other parent. And that would be over my dead body.


Quoting rocknmom85: We're not sure what to think at this point about weather SF is a danger, there hasn't been any incident with the kids that we know of but BM told us today that SF has hit her in the past. SF claims he will be going to anger management but he already has tried that in the past. DH does not want his kids around SF but he just doesn't know what to do because the kids have to at least visit their mom, and he can't make BM divorce SF. Anyway, it's all happened so fast so we are still processing everything.

Quoting chasinrainbows: SF sounds dangerous. My kid wouldn't be living there.
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whatIknownow
by Emerald Member on Jul. 29, 2014 at 6:51 AM

It sounds to me like BM is stuck in an abusive situation and can't break free. I hope she gets herself together and gets out of there. I know plenty of good, smart women who simply can't break free from an abusive relationship for one reason or another, and it is very sad.

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